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Am I developing standards?


ja123

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I met a man and we were in the moment and decided to just "go for it". He hasn't contacted me and it's the day-after.

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I know he will contact me again, but the fact that he didn't follow-up quickly to say he had a nice time has ruined it for me.

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I'm not expecting anything major off the bat if I just met somebody, but I do expect some common courtesy, manners, and a bit of savoir de vivre.

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What are your thoughts?

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And guys, what are your reasons for not contacting a gal the next day even though you had planned to meet again? Do you expect that she'll just come running back to you whenever you do contact her again? And would you be surprised if she doesn't and just sends you packing?

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charlietheginger

Trying to read a guys mind is like trying to read a women's mind it ain't happening...

 

myself even if it was just sex I'm a gentleman I would least call text or something

to show a little emotional support so you don't goto bed the next few days feeling like a

used piece of meat....

 

this is what really gets me pissed. off is guys showing no respect

hit it and quit it when in fact if they treated her like a woman

they could probably have a steady FWB situation

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Thanks, Charlie.

 

 

You know this is it: he's blown his chance at having a few extra meets and maybe doing something wild together.

 

 

He completely conducted himself like a gentleman beforehand and now has pulled a 180.

 

 

I don't get how he could be so interested and said how hard it is to find an open-minded woman but yet one who is so sweet, only to act so immature afterwards. I guess he was "acting" like a gentleman before, but has shown his true colours and not actually be one.

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I'm assuming "going for it" meant having sex. I'm still very surprised many women haven't figured it out that once a guy has sex with them their genuine interest in them drops. Not saying that all he wanted was sex, but guys will charm and sweet talk to get in the pants and sadly women fall for it all the time. (excuse this post if you didn't have sex with him)

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I did have sex with him c57.

 

 

But isn't it a double standard somewhere on his end, if it's ok for him (the man) to have sex on the first date but not ok for the woman to do that?

 

 

Anyhow, I don't know for sure that he's judging me at this point. But perhaps he is and that's why he hasn't followed-up to say "hi" because I'm just some "ho" now.

 

 

All I really know are his actions (or lack of!) afterwards, and how I will react in consequence: this guy's ass is so dumped!

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If he is truly the type of guy to immediately lose interest after sex, at least you found out he's not worth your time as quickly as possible.

 

As a man I'd at least send a flirty text the next day, because I know after a crazy night like that, I wouldn't want feel her left hanging.

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I did have sex with him c57.

 

 

But isn't it a double standard somewhere on his end, if it's ok for him (the man) to have sex on the first date but not ok for the woman to do that?

 

 

Anyhow, I don't know for sure that he's judging me at this point. But perhaps he is and that's why he hasn't followed-up to say "hi" because I'm just some "ho" now.

 

 

All I really know are his actions (or lack of!) afterwards, and how I will react in consequence: this guy's ass is so dumped!

 

Double standards are everywhere. Though, I feel bad for today's women. They can behave just like a man sexually, but men don't face the same consequences as women do. Thus you have the rapid growth of single mothers and broken homes not because it's the woman or the man's fault, but the society that encourages and allows this type of behavior to be acceptable.

 

Again, I don't blame the man or woman, I blame the poisoned relation between them that our western culture promotes.

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Thanks for your responses, guys.

 

 

Yeah, Elliotte, if I were a guy I'd reach out to say "hi", just to offer a bit of support. Particularly, if I wanted to see her again.

 

 

c57, I hear you about society today.

 

 

Now folks, our next date is set for Thursday, so what in the heck should I do.

 

 

My mind was made up (dump his sorry ass), but now I spoke with a platonic male friend (whom I've known for years), and he says not to be so quick to judge the guy.

 

 

As for back story, this guy is recently out of a relationship (5 years) and has been divorced for 6. He looked at me at one point in bed and ask my name, the n he said my name, but added that he couldn't believe that he was in bed with me, because I'm the first woman that he's been with in so many years.

 

 

My friend said that he hasn't always reached out to a woman right after because he's frightened of the consequences: like the woman might have ideas about being in a relationship. And seeing as he has anxiety about relationships, this is why; not anything to do with the woman.

 

 

He told me this guy sounds afraid, and that I'm judging him prematurely.

 

 

Anyhow, TBH, I'm not really looking for a relationship. But this guy hasn't acted the way I would if I were a guy, even if it was just for sex.

 

 

In addition, though I love my platonic male friend dearly, I know he has broken some hearts because although he says he wants a relationship, he just can't seem to do it. Heck, can I even anymore? I don't know.

 

 

Thoughts?

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Few men today respect and have empathy for women. Its not the cool thing to do anymore. I raised my standards in the level of respect I must receive and it weeds out most men in their 20's. Im not even stuck up...I expect mutual respect and empathy and most men fail to deliver. Most men nowadays see women as a means to their end, not humans with thoughts, feelings and desires like themselves.

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I am religious about at least breakfast the next day. And I used to do that just out of respect, even if I didn't like her or she was horrid in bed.

 

That's saying something....

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I am religious about at least breakfast the next day. And I used to do that just out of respect, even if I didn't like her or she was horrid in bed.

 

That's saying something....

 

 

 

The thing is is that I couldn't sleep... I don't know why, I'm not used to spending the night in the same bed with a guy ... it's been a while that I've been single.

 

 

So, I got dressed and kissed him and said I was leaving, and he said, "What you're not even staying for breakfast?!" I said no, I was awake and he was still sleepy, so I would just kleave and start my day. It was pretty early for a weekend, like 8:30.

 

 

Do you think he was offended?

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The thing is is that I couldn't sleep... I don't know why, I'm not used to spending the night in the same bed with a guy ... it's been a while that I've been single.

 

 

So, I got dressed and kissed him and said I was leaving, and he said, "What you're not even staying for breakfast?!" I said no, I was awake and he was still sleepy, so I would just kleave and start my day. It was pretty early for a weekend, like 8:30.

 

 

Do you think he was offended?

 

Yes. 100%.

 

I recently had something similiar happen. I was fairly taken aback when she wanted to leave so early in the morning. I took offense, silly me, and realized later that week when we talked that she had enjoyed her time..it was nothing personal, she just had prior engagements that I didn't know about.

 

However, in that context, had I been that man? ESPECIALLY when I had planned to take you out for breakfast. Yeah, I would've been fairly turned off. However, one would think this gentleman would have approached you if that bothered him. However......us men aren't always good at talking things out. So...catch 22 I guess. My suggestion would be to ask and let him know it was nothing personal.

Edited by tlegend
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Few men today respect and have empathy for women. Its not the cool thing to do anymore. I raised my standards in the level of respect I must receive and it weeds out most men in their 20's. Im not even stuck up...I expect mutual respect and empathy and most men fail to deliver. Most men nowadays see women as a means to their end, not humans with thoughts, feelings and desires like themselves.

 

 

 

You mention empathy. That's interesting, that's just what I feel he is lacking.

 

 

Honestly, if I were a guy I would've reached out.

 

 

There was something else that turned me off about him (other than his not reaching out), he boasted about his professional accomplishments. I know that he he's accomplished and successful, but it was a turn off that he me that he's on a number of board of directors (including one that is responsible for a half billion dollars in business), and that he knows very influential people. What does he think that I'm just going to kiss his butt or something? Quite frankly, it was very sad I thought, as I just wanted to be with him for him. It was very weird that he would say all that.

 

 

Plus, I resisted the temptation of bragging about some of my so-called conquests: I already bought the t-shirt, dude, in that department. I've been out with a corporate take-over lawyer who makes waaay more then our highest paid public officials and cuts deals at the Circus in New York. I've been chauffeured to whatever fancy restaurant in a Rolls with a food critic when the mayor of whatever city couldn't attend (ok, I was an extra body, but hey?). I've been out with how many PhD"s now? Hunh, let me see ... yeah .. and some of them from Ivy League and prestigious professors now.

 

 

I'm mentioning this folks because some of these people are very good, kind people, but not all of them. Some of them are full of ego and have their heads up their arses. This is a real turn off for me.

 

 

I'm from a humble background, and even though I might look a certain way, and now with some education can speak a certain way: I'm still a country girl.

 

 

I really can't stand BS.

 

 

I've had plenty of talks with those who are considered "marginal" by society, and quite frankly am fully aware that they can be intelligent and have something to say, too.

 

 

Not all, of course, a free-spirit and a free-mind doesn't necessarily belong to one economic bracket or the other.

 

 

But I guess that's what I like free-spirits and free-minds from any walk of life. I can't stand BS, and I'm thinking that this guy is really a snob (and an insecure one at that!)

 

 

One friend I have is a research scientist and professor, he is a part of the establishment and uses it to fund his research, but in his soul he is anti-establishment. He really doesn't take himself seriously, but is passionate about his work and the good that it can do for others. This is a cool dude, in my books.

 

 

With this guy ... So, he hosted the Dali-Lama's right-hand man in his home with one of the best city's chefs cooking. WTF? Why would he be telling me all this sh*t?

 

 

So, he went to Argentina recently to buy art. Wtf?

 

 

Yeah, I told him about the 19th century oil that I put in auction. Did he care to even ask the artists' name? All he wanted to do was spew on about all the important people he knows and things that he's bought. Does he even know or care about art, apart from trying to impress someone?

 

 

WTF?

 

 

When I told him about my humble beginnings he actually (and I mean literally!!) got another hard-on!!! Wtf? Is he somehow turned on because he thinks I'm trash?

 

 

Thoughts?

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Run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(10 characters)

 

 

Seriously, I stopped reading once he started telling you about all the important people he knows.

 

A line from a song.....different genre and ...career choice, but same point nonetheless.

 

"Real gangsta ass niggas don't flex nuts....cuz real gangsta ass niggas know they got em."

 

Yeah I know, but its the thought that counts.

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Yes. 100%.

 

I recently had something similiar happen. I was fairly taken aback when she wanted to leave so early in the morning. I took offense, silly me, and realized later that week when we talked that she had enjoyed her time..it was nothing personal, she just had prior engagements that I didn't know about.

 

However, in that context, had I been that man? ESPECIALLY when I had planned to take you out for breakfast. Yeah, I would've been fairly turned off. However, one would think this gentleman would have approached you if that bothered him. However......us men aren't always good at talking things out. So...catch 22 I guess. My suggestion would be to ask and let him know it was nothing personal.

 

 

 

This was in the back of my mind: that I might have offended him.

 

 

In addition, to what I mentioned above (about his bragging) maybe underneath it all, he's just really an insecure guy.

 

 

Thoughts?

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This was in the back of my mind: that I might have offended him.

 

 

In addition, to what I mentioned above (about his bragging) maybe underneath it all, he's just really an insecure guy.

 

 

Thoughts?

 

I replied a bit above.

 

With the inclusion of your last post, I sincerely feel as if this guy has issues with his insecurity to the point that it has affected his day to day life. He feels as if he has to compare himself with people around him, and that he is judged by what kind of person he is, but what kind of people he tries to live vicariously through (name dropping, needed to be validated by successful people, etc).

 

Knowing all of that, and knowing that you aren't that invested into the relationship, is this something you want to deal with in the future, because its very obviously a part of his personality now.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have even had to ask.

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Yeah, tlegend, you're right about the real ganstas.

 

 

This guy and I have seriously different values.

 

 

I feel bad for someone like that, but he's so into that rigid giving off "appearances" that I think he'll hold on to that for dear life.

 

 

I mean, I really couldn't believe it.

 

 

Now that I thinking about it, I kind of feel sad for him. He is so trapped.

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You mention empathy. That's interesting, that's just what I feel he is lacking.

 

 

Honestly, if I were a guy I would've reached out.

 

 

There was something else that turned me off about him (other than his not reaching out), he boasted about his professional accomplishments. I know that he he's accomplished and successful, but it was a turn off that he me that he's on a number of board of directors (including one that is responsible for a half billion dollars in business), and that he knows very influential people. What does he think that I'm just going to kiss his butt or something?

 

 

 

Yeah this describes a lot of men I meet today. Arrogant and lacking in empathy. Narcissism is pretty rampant in my generation (Im 26). Its sad because it really reduces my dating pool significantly.

 

At least he showed it early on. Ive dated several dorky seemingly "sweet" guys who you would never think would show these traits...these traits came out, just took longer. I wish they had shown it right away.

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I'm sorry to hear that you're running into mostly arrogant people.

 

I'd hate to split this along the lines of the sexes, though. I know some women who can be pretty heartless and nasty.

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The guys who have responded to this post said they would've reached out the day after. I think that's heartening news. So don't despair, gabgab.

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If we don't believe and have faith in people (not to say be naïve) we'll end up pushing the good ones away, too.

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It sure sucks to run into someone who doesn't feel the same, or believe there can be courtesy even for casual, but such is life.

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It stings a bit for me, this situation, TBH. But, at least I'm not really invested.

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What is worse is just the confusion over it. I'm learning faster now in life to extricate myself faster from such confusing situations.

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Few men today respect and have empathy for women. Its not the cool thing to do anymore. I raised my standards in the level of respect I must receive and it weeds out most men in their 20's. Im not even stuck up...I expect mutual respect and empathy and most men fail to deliver. Most men nowadays see women as a means to their end, not humans with thoughts, feelings and desires like themselves.

 

Yeah, it's too bad men don't respect women anymore. Men had tons more respect in the old days. You know....when women weren't allowed to vote or own property?

 

Our modern attitudes toward women suck.

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Yeah, it's too bad men don't respect women anymore. Men had tons more respect in the old days. You know....when women weren't allowed to vote or own property?

 

Our modern attitudes toward women suck.

 

Women got the right to vote and own property started by women. You think men got together to discuss issues and started saying "oh wait, women should vote too"??

 

Also not the kind of RESPECT I was referring to. In dating, few men nowadays show respect towards women. Its rare to find a man in a LTR or marriage who isn't disrespectful towards his gf/wife. Most men are selfish, lacking in empathy, shallow, see women as expendable sex objects more than human beings, expect more than they give from women because they still hold onto chauvinistic ideas (men have ruled the earth for most of history and only lately has it begun to shift, and most men aren't thrilled about that) People nowadays just have crappy values.

Edited by gabgab
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Women got the right to vote and own property started by women. You think men got together to discuss issues and started saying "oh wait, women should vote too"??.

 

That's exactly my point. Disrespect from men toward women has been around since the dawn of time.

 

The dating attitudes of men toward women and women toward men hasn't changed in my lifetime. The biggest difference today is that women have much more financial independence, and are perfectly capable of having a totally independent life. But the way men use women (and vice versa)....sorry, it hasn't changed in forever. It was like that when I was a kid, it was like that when I was a young adult, and it's like that now. I think women are far less inclined to out up with it, in general, due to having greater financial independence.

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That's exactly my point. Disrespect from men toward women has been around since the dawn of time.

 

The dating attitudes of men toward women and women toward men hasn't changed in my lifetime. The biggest difference today is that women have much more financial independence, and are perfectly capable of having a totally independent life. But the way men use women (and vice versa)....sorry, it hasn't changed in forever. It was like that when I was a kid, it was like that when I was a young adult, and it's like that now. I think women are far less inclined to out up with it, in general, due to having greater financial independence.

 

 

Yep, which is why very few men in this world interest me dating wise. Why should I tie myself down to a disrespectful ass?

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  • 1 month later...
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This is an update

 

 

Here's what happened in brief:

 

 

At the beginning of December I allowed myself to be seduced. haha The guy seemed sweet yet dirty like me. We also alluded to future things we could do together. He was educated and we really hit it off during our night out.

 

 

So, I never would have expected that he would be an insecure snob. Anyhow, what really did it in for me was that he didn't contact me again.

 

 

Yes, I left before breakfast because I couldn't sleep, nor had I expected to stay the night and be caught the next day without a clean change of clothes and fresh make-up. But, I gave him 2 big kisses and he said he'd contact me, but he never did.

 

 

Lo and behold, he now writes (almost 2 months later!) asking how I am and if I remembered him and would I like to "get-together". Wtf?

 

 

I wrote back saying that I was surprised to hear from him seeing as he didn't contact me soon after. I also put it down to figuring that he didn't enjoy my company. I made a bit of small talk and just wished him the best. (I thought I'd take the higher ground, be courteous, but indicate that I've moved on.)

 

 

He writes back saying that he had isolated himself since December and has devoted a lot of time to his children. He also said that he thought I wasn't interested either, as I had left "abruptly" that morning. But, he has not met anyone else, and wonders if I might want to see him.

 

 

Well, I've been sitting on this a couple of days ...

 

 

What would you do? Would you write?

 

 

P.S. I'm pretty p*ssed, actually. Why would I even think of giving this dude a second chance ... all I want to write is that he's a jerk. Heck, even if we weren't any kind of match, he could've given me a follow-up seeing as he said he'd contact me, even if it's to say he had a nice time, but we're not a match.

 

 

What is he thinking? That I'm going to come running? The gall of this guy? Wtf?

 

 

Would you even write back at this point?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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CrystalCastles

My thought would be that he thinks you're a booty call and wants to "get some", so he came up with some sob story in the hopes you'd come running back.

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