Petey80 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Dear Loveshackers, I'm currently with a single mother with 2 girls aged 3 & 7, she is 31 and I'm 33. We don't live together due to expenses/cash flow and have been together 2.5 years. It's getting closer to the time where we are getting things sorted to move in together. She's just got a bigger house and is settled in nicely. But the problem is me. As it's becoming a reality that I will be moving in with her and the 2 kids [that aren't mine] soon, it's freaking me out and I'm having second thoughts about whether or not I can do the ready made family thing and bring up and pay for kids that aren't mine. Don't get me wrong, I love them all to bits, but I'm having second thoughts about whether I'm the guy that can step up and be a step dad and be part of the family where inevitably she will be boss. It's coming up to Christmas and we went shopping at the weekend to buy gifts for the kids. She asked me to save some money up [£200] to contribute and I did. The thing is, my heart just wasn't in it whilst we were shopping. I just felt like I was the trolley pusher whilst she did her thing and got nice gifts for the girls. And yesterday I looked after the girls whilst she was at work, but we didn't play games or anything, I just let them sit on the laptop all afternoon and I watched TV. Originally I thought I could do this, but being a step dad with all the responsibility of children that aren't mine...... I just don't think I can be that guy. Any advice or opinion is welcome, especially from anyone that has dated a single mother before... Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Petey, I've mostly dated women with kids. I have two young ones of my own. I am currently seriously dating a woman with two young kiddos of her own. When I started dating, I was well aware of what I was getting into if and when I dated a woman with children. It was easier for me b/c I have children of my own. You didn't seriously consider all of this for the 2.5 years you had been dating? Wow. You need to serious think about this now, today and let your gf know. There's a lot riding on this move and she isn't aware of any of your doubts b/c you haven't been upfront or considerate of something so important. Perhaps you should not move in together. You need to take some time to think about this before you invest more time and the gf and kids become even more emotionally attached. This is unfortunate. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petey80 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 You didn't seriously consider all of this for the 2.5 years you had been dating? Wow. You need to serious think about this now, today and let your gf know. There's a lot riding on this move and she isn't aware of any of your doubts b/c you haven't been upfront or considerate of something so important. Perhaps you should not move in together. You need to take some time to think about this before you invest more time and the gf and kids become even more emotionally attached. This is unfortunate. Good luck. Thanks for the reply. I have always thought about what I was getting myself in for, ready made family etc. I really thought I would be okay with it all, but like I say, as the reality of it is coming closer I'm having second thoughts on whether or not I'm up for the role. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Thanks for the reply. I have always thought about what I was getting myself in for, ready made family etc. I really thought I would be okay with it all, but like I say, as the reality of it is coming closer I'm having second thoughts on whether or not I'm up for the role. tis better to be honest than carry it till you cant carry it anymore.......its a shame.....i wish you well.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petey80 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 And im happy that you are concern about this. Makes me think that you are a responsible men. And i understand your concern because i think she should have get to know you much longer and little by little introduce you with the kids. And from day one keep having conversation with you to see how you think about all of that and being with some one with kids.etc. And if you are not feeling it its good to address it right away. Just put everything on the table. So you can get the real deal from her and know where you are in this relationship and if you have to break up. (which i think is the best. since the kids will not go away.). It will not get better then this. So if you see that its not something for you. leave. And if she is a good mom, she can only respect you for that. Because not many men are mature as you to admit it and not just jump in a single moms life. And even i respect you for that! Thanks for your reply too. I am concerned about this, very. I'm not in a relationship with just the mom, I'm with the 2 girls as well, that's why it's such a hard decision to make..... It doesn't only affect me and her, it affects the 2 little ones as well. Like I said I love the mom and the girls, but I don't think that's enough to take on such a huge responsibility. I know I should have realised this before now, 2.5 years is a long time, but again, I thought I was okay with it all. But realising what my life is going to be like being a step-father is making me think twice about it all....... Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Have the talk now. No time to waste. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Well im surprise how she as a mother let you around her kids already and just like that. She should be more protective as a mother. Noting personal! And im happy that you are concern about this. Makes me think that you are a responsible men. And i understand your concern because i think she should have get to know you much longer and little by little introduce you with the kid at! 2.5 years? How irresponsible!! (I am being sarcastic. Op is ridiculously irresponsible to just be seriously thinking about it now but he can't change it so tell her right away and think very hard about it I'd be disgusted if I were her though. After all that time and discussion... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petey80 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 Op is ridiculously irresponsible to just be seriously thinking about it now but he can't change it so tell her right away and think very hard about it I'd be disgusted if I were her though. After all that time and discussion... I've always took the situation seriously, from day one I was sure I could do it all. But like I've said, with the reality of the situation coming up, I'm having second thoughts if I'm the man for the job. I honestly feel terrible that I'm feeling this way. Me and the girlfriend are adults and we'll get over it in time, but the kids will be the ones most effected. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Does she get child support? Ate your incomes close to similiar w/o factoring child support. Future children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petey80 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 Does she get child support? Ate your incomes close to similiar w/o factoring child support. Future children? She get's child tax credits from the government. Nothing from the children's father though, that is another ongoing issue she has. ATE? Did you mean Aren't? If so, she only work part-time 16 hours a week in a pub, whereas I work full-time. So if I was to move in, I'd pay more towards everything than she would. We have talked about another child. She's up for it, but not overly bothered if she doesn't have another one as she has 2 already. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Can you speak more to her lack of child support? Is one biological father or two the fact? Apparently you are not in the US? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petey80 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 Can you speak more to her lack of child support? Is one biological father or two the fact? Apparently you are not in the US? Sorry not sure what you mean about the child support?? She gets a little money from the government for each child. With regards to looking after the kids if she can't [child support] it's usually her mother that helps. Or me if it's a weekend when we usually spend out time together. No, I'm from the UK. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Trust your gut. Sou ds like a huge financial burden. I have no idea how a cohabitation would affect her govt funds nor her moms willingness to contribute. You're in over your head is my guess. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Any advice or opinion is welcome, especially from anyone that has dated a single mother before... All my LTR's were with single mothers and I dated plenty of them, being unmarried until my early 40's. Here are my tips from nearly two decades of experience: 1. Don't move in with her until you're married. 2. Provide gifts to children because you *want* to, not because of being asked. 3. If you feel like you're being groomed as a worker bee, leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 You could jeopardize her benefits if you moved in. Don't move in. She may try to trap you via pregnancy so always wear a condom or get a vasectomy. Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 It sounds like sticker shock. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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