laylay305 Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 so i'm currently online dating. there are a few guys i'm talking to at the moment. one of them keeps trying to make plans the day of, and i'm typically busy and have other plans, so i turn him down. i've told him i want to hang out with him but i need more notice. so we finally made plans to grab drinks tonight. we were texting throughout the day, and he told me that he got the job he's been interviewing for, and then said everyone wants to go out with him to celebrate. i told him, "i had a feeling that was coming" in response to the latter. he told me he had the idea of going to the place we planned on going to celebrate, but he'd save it for me. i told him "sounds good"...he asked how work was going and i gave a standard response and that was it. i'm not sure if i'm being too critical, as my last relationship basically ended over the issue of my boyfriend being unreliable and undependable, or if i'm justified in thinking this dude's a flake, and it's possibly time to cut him from the list of contenders. any insight is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 I would give him one free pass. If it's true he got a job, that's a pretty big deal. At least he's saving the place he was going to take you; points for that. As for making plans the day of, that drives me nuts. Should you end up dating him, and he up keeps pulling that, you'll need to seriously talk. Maybe he's still trainable, you never know! Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 I don't think you are being too hard on him at all. In the beginning people put their best foot forward. If he's trying for last minute hook-ups now & thinks its OK to cancel your plans at the last minute, what's he going to be like when the "honeymoon" phase is over? If he can't make you a priority now, what's the point of giving him a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laylay305 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 thanks guys. he actually suggested meeting up again tonight and then decided he wasn't really up for meeting for drinks. i basically told him to be honest, i don't think we're compatible when it comes to planning and he asked if i liked too much notice, which i explained that i would prefer that to this. and how canceling plans twice in a row gives me the impression he's not interested. he asked how this counts as ditching on plans, as he thought of it as more just talking it through and deciding not to go to a noisy, crowded bar, then told me if he's given me a bad vibe, he doesn't wanna waste my time. i told him it's fine, and it's probably just his style of making plans, but it's a priority to me to be with someone who's serious about finding time to see me. he responded with "well, i won't bug ya then" i told him i didn't mean to be harsh, i just dont think our planning styles are compatible and he said "haha, not harsh at all, we probably don't live close enough given your work schedule, probably be tough, so no worries" and i just responded with "yeah, all valid points." and that was the end of the conversation. then i checked facebook and he had unfriended me. i did online dating once. it was terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Uwaae Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Seems like that guy dodged a bullet Link to post Share on other sites
Author laylay305 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 why do you say that? Link to post Share on other sites
Shosh Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Hi Lay, I think you did the right thing. A guy not being willing to make plans in advance and canceling last minute, but thinking it's no big deal, annoys me to no end. I've dated a few guys like this and it never changed. I think it is a sign that they are not interested in a serious relationship, but just want to casually date (you and others). If you are willing to multi-date, keep him in your rotation, but don't waste any thoughts or energy on him. If not, don't date a guy like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Spontaneity is great when you're in a relationship - I love unexpected dates. But when you've not even met someone yet.... I've spoken to a few guys like this. They don't seem to understand that we're on "first impression" territory. Because of my job, I look like a wreck at the end of the day. There is NO WAY I can be ready in an hour, or even if they ask in the morning... I'd have to shift things around to get out on time to get home and make myself look presentable. If it's a couple of days in advance, we can discuss to meet on a day where I don't have much going on, where he is also free. Most of the time, "day of" requests are impossible for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I don't think you are being too hard on him at all. In the beginning people put their best foot forward. If he's trying for last minute hook-ups now & thinks its OK to cancel your plans at the last minute, what's he going to be like when the "honeymoon" phase is over? If he can't make you a priority now, what's the point of giving him a chance? Ironically, the last sentence could refer to the OP as well. Its a matter of perspective, personal preference, and compatibility. Personally, I am not fond of making plans days ahead and prefer spontaneity--in all aspects, not just dating. I mean, if I make plans for next week, I have no way of knowing what may arise between now and then or how I may be feeling on that day. Even if its something I'm excited about at the time the plan is made, sometimes, by the day it is scheduled, it has become more of an obligation. Interestingly, most of my friends are the same way, and it's likely that similarlity is a component of why we are friends. That is not to say that I don't ever make plans ahead of time or that every spur-of-the-moment invitation is accepted. Bottom line is that dating & socializing is about compatibility and the issue of spontaneity vs planning is no different than whether someone is a day person or night person or other such personality traits. Discovering those differences early-on is a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laylay305 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 Hah, thanks for the input, guys. I agree with what you've all said. I work until 7, and then have to come home, let the dog out, etc, and I need advanced notice when planning dates so I can accommodate for all of this. I enjoy spontaneity at times, but that's usually reserved for after the initial stages of dating. To me, him not being able to plan something or stick with what he says means that: 1. he's not reliable, and 2. he's not vested enough in meeting me to actually set aside time at least a day in advance to accommodate for my schedule. I think there are some girls who are totally up for spontaneous dates all the time, and that's probably who he's more suited for. Me, well, I'd rather be with someone who takes the time to plan something in advance in respect to both of our schedules. I think it's just a matter of personal preference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts