Dating vs. Exclusive vs. Relationship?

[alcott]

I met this guy online about 4-5 months ago. Since then, we've hung out every single week and talked pretty frequently. We started sleeping together about a month in.

I had been going on dates with other guys in that time since we never had the talk and I didn't want to assume exclusivity. A few weeks ago we ended up going to a huge family event of his. I met a lot of his friends and family. He introduced us as dating.

I was kind of surprised and confused by this so afterwards I asked if we could clarify what we're doing. He said he sees us as dating, which to him means exclusivity, meeting each other's family and friends and seeing each other frequently. However he doesn't want to label it a relationship as he says he feel comfortable with that label yet.

I don't mind the label too much but after talking about it with a girlfriend she says I'm being hoodwinked. She says this is his way of staying single as a technicality and he's just using me as a ****-buddy and is stringing me along while he can still date other girls on the down low.

 

Now I feel more confused than ever. Does him wanting to avoid the relationship label mean he doesn't really like me? Am I just a friends with benefits? Should I maybe continue going on dates and keeping options open?

[Philosoraptor]

Ok, so you're exclusive which means you're not seeing other people. But he's not ready to call you his girlfriend, which could be for a lot of reasons.

 

He said being exclusive, so you need to verify that he is not seeing other people. If not, then just be patient and have an exclusive relationship. If he is still seeing other people then you need to decide where you want to go from here.

[alcott]

Ok, so you're exclusive which means you're not seeing other people. But he's not ready to call you his girlfriend, which could be for a lot of reasons.

 

He said being exclusive, so you need to verify that he is not seeing other people. If not, then just be patient and have an exclusive relationship. If he is still seeing other people then you need to decide where you want to go from here.

 

Well when we were talking I said I saw a relationship as "exclusive like not going on dates with other people." And he agreed, he just said that's what he saw as dating. My friend just thinks it's a lie to keep me on the hook while he secretly dates around.

[Philosoraptor]

Well he could say he was in a relationship with you and lie just as well.... so your friend has no point. He says he is exclusive, so you need to decide whether or not that is good enough for you and whether you feel you can trust him.

 

He's not ready for the relationship label, but ready to be exclusive. Your call here.

[alcott]

Well he could say he was in a relationship with you and lie just as well.... so your friend has no point. He says he is exclusive, so you need to decide whether or not that is good enough for you and whether you feel you can trust him.

 

He's not ready for the relationship label, but ready to be exclusive. Your call here.

 

Well does him not wanting the label mean he doesn't like me? Am I just getting strung along or hoodwinked here? The label actually doesn't mean much to me, so long as he's exclusive.... but if the truth is he just doesn't dig me enough or just wants friends with benefits than I should probably bounce right?

[Philosoraptor]

You're putting too much into one word, when your focus should be on the fact that he has told you he is interested in getting to know you, and you alone right now. Whether that develops into a long term commitment no one knows, but he's said he wants to be exclusive with you.

[mammasita]

If you trust him and trust that he is being exclusive then don't listen to your friend.

 

I'm seeing someone - we are exclusive but we haven't labeled it a relationship yet because we are still getting to know eachother. I don't see a problem with that.

 

For me a "relationship" is a step up from exclusive dating. In other words, when you are in a relationship you've both agreed that you like what you've gotten to know about eachother and you each want the other in your life. You're mutually working towards something for the longer term together: be it moving in, getting engaged, marriage.......

[soccerrprp]

First of all, relationships come in all sizes and shapes. You are in a relationship even if you are not exclusive. The term "relationship" is much more general and sounds silly to me to suggest that you are not in a "relationship" just b/c you are not exclusive. The most import term her is EXCLUSIVE. Who cares whether he calls that a relationship or not. If he wants exclusivity, then he should be behaving in accordance to that pronouncement.

 

Ultimately, it's actions, not words or labels. Your friend could be right, but his actions are the key.

[Assasda]

Why do you put so much stock into what your friend thinks.

Seems like you have issues with labels more than the guy, maybe because you want to see other guys, and if you do you should tell him that

[alcott]

Why do you put so much stock into what your friend thinks.

Seems like you have issues with labels more than the guy, maybe because you want to see other guys, and if you do you should tell him that

 

I don't want to see other guys, but if he isn't into me or he's seeing other girls then I don't want to be the fool. Ideally I'd like him to want to be in a relationship with me and to be into me as much as I am into him. If he isn't into me that much, okay, that sucks but that's how it is, but then it's really unfair for me to not keep my options open as well.

 

Essentially I want things fair. I want both of us to be exclusive and both of us to be equally into each other.

[todreaminblue]

if you are sleeping with him, he hasnt asked you to be in a serious relationship you are a friends with benefits....

[oldshirt]

First off your friend is full of $h!t. She falls into one of two camps. she's either been rode hard and hung up wet by every sailor that's come into port and she's one step away from being a total man-hating dyke with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in her wife beater t-shirt. Or she's a nerdy little librarian who's never been on a real date because her preacher daddy has her convinced that every guy out there is some kind of sex fiend and she's been hiding in her basement for years.

 

Either way I don't think she should be your go-to person for relationship advice.

 

Anywho, I agree with the others, you are putting way too much emphasis on verbage, words and labels.

 

Actions speak a million times louder than words. How does he treat you as a person and how does he treat your "relationship" (my word.)

 

Does he treat you and your 'relationship' with dignity and respect? Does he treat you as if you are someone and something important in his life?

Does he give you any indication that he is "using" you in any way shape or form???? Does he treat you in any way that may imply that he is somehow manipulating you or trying to tell you one thing to sooth you and soften you up but then doing something completely different??

 

How does he treat other people? Does he use, manipulate or screw them over?

 

 

Remember men aren't as verbal as women and they aren't as in touch with their feelings and concerns and anxieties as women and they aren't able to verbalize their feelings and define their relationship terms and labels like women do.

 

If he is treating you well and treating your 'relationship' with dignity and value and his actions are indicating that you are going in a direction and at a speed that you are comfortable with, then he could call it Pooopsierattlekins for all it matters.

Edited October 31, 2013 by oldshirt

[alcott]

You can treat a **** buddy or a friends with benefits with respect and value too. It doesn't mean you care about them or want to date them.

 

He's a very nice person. I haven't interacted a ton with his friends but with my friends he's always nice and helpful. He is respectful towards me but also kind of distant, never discusses feelings. I think he likes me well enough as a person but I really can't tell if he's into me in a romantic way.

[oldshirt]

...And along with that, I need to also ask, has he given any indication that he is seeing any other girls or cheating whether it is on the down-low or out in broad daylight???????

 

Has he given any indication that he wants to be seeing other women but wants to keep you exclusive to him??

 

Any indication that he is BSing you in any way????

[alcott]

Well one indication is I only see him once or twice a week and I don't have a good idea about what he's doing the other nights. He's also on his phone a lot, not when we're out on dates but if I get up to get some water or something. He hasnt said anything about wanting to date other women no but would any guy be stupid enough to do so?

 

I guess the biggest indication is just that he doesnt seem to dig me enough to commit and is giving kind of a BS reason for it.

[oldshirt]

At this point perhaps I should give you MY definition of "dating" and my definition is based on how it all shakes out in the real world.

 

"dating" is doing things together and spending time together in a variety of activities in order to get to know the other person and ultimately determine if that person is "the one" that you want to marry and raise a family with.

 

In it's purest form it is an interview and tryout process for both people. If after a certain period of time and stages of the interview/tryout process the answer turns out to be no for whatever reason, the process stops and both parties go on about their business. No party is obligated to anything and either party can end the interview and walk away with no penalty.

 

Some people will interview and tryout one person at a time. they may also ask that they be the only one interviewed at that time as well. That is fair, they can ask. If both parties agree to it, then it can be a ground rule of continuing the interview. this can also be an important step of the interview process because if one person breaks that agreement, then the other has good reason to discontinue the interview process.

 

If the other party does not agree to the exclusivity clause (which is totally their right) then the other party can ether choose to continue the interview process without it or they can choose to discontinue the process.

 

So what is important in this case is not so much what words or labels are used but how does he conduct himself during this interview process (actions over words)

 

Since he brought up the word 'exclusive', the main thing is is he himself behaving in an exclusive manner??????? Is he only interviewing you or is he saying one thing and doing something else??????????????

 

If he is congruent in his words and his actions, then things are ok here.

 

You have the right to agree to or disagree to being exclusive. that is your call. You are only obligated to honest about whichever you chose to do.

 

What's more important than the word or the verbage here is how is he behaving and how is he conducting himself.

 

Saying one thing and doing the other is crappy and slimy regardless what word you use to label the relationship. If you agree to exclusivity and then bang someone else, that is cheating whether you are dating, "in a relationship", boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, married or simply exclusive FWBs.

 

Labeling a relationship with the word dating or relationship or hobbeldyhoodnicks doesn't give someone more license to lie, deceive or manipulate or cheat, any more than any other word.

[oldshirt]

Saying one thing and doing the other is crappy and slimy regardless what word you use to label the relationship. If you agree to exclusivity and then bang someone else, that is cheating whether you are dating, "in a relationship", boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, married or simply exclusive FWBs.

 

Labeling a relationship with the word dating or relationship or hobbeldyhoodnicks doesn't give someone more license to lie, deceive or manipulate or cheat, any more than any other word.

 

 

I have a condition that prevents me from saying anything concisely. These two paragraphs are the point I was trying to make.

[happydate]

I met this guy online about 4-5 months ago. Since then, we've hung out every single week and talked pretty frequently. We started sleeping together about a month in.

I had been going on dates with other guys in that time since we never had the talk and I didn't want to assume exclusivity. A few weeks ago we ended up going to a huge family event of his. I met a lot of his friends and family. He introduced us as dating.

I was kind of surprised and confused by this so afterwards I asked if we could clarify what we're doing. He said he sees us as dating, which to him means exclusivity, meeting each other's family and friends and seeing each other frequently. However he doesn't want to label it a relationship as he says he feel comfortable with that label yet.

I don't mind the label too much but after talking about it with a girlfriend she says I'm being hoodwinked. She says this is his way of staying single as a technicality and he's just using me as a ****-buddy and is stringing me along while he can still date other girls on the down low.

 

Now I feel more confused than ever. Does him wanting to avoid the relationship label mean he doesn't really like me? Am I just a friends with benefits? Should I maybe continue going on dates and keeping options open?

 

Do not be paranoid..

 

I don't think he is treating you like a **** buddy at all. If he is, he would have a talk at the beginning of the relationship with you that he wants a FWB, so he's clear to sleep with other women or dump you when he finds the right girl. You didn't have a talk with him at all, but had slept with him which is consistent with an OPEN relationship. Him introducing you to the family is a good sign and he is probably open to exclusivity now. Now why would he introduce you to his family if he is seeing or sleeping with someone else? And why would I want to introduce you to my family is I treat you like a **** buddy? I would be assumed with my aunt and uncles or parents ask me about when I'm going to marry the "girl" -- which is you? Wouldn't I keep you from them in the dark if this guy treats you like a **** buddy. Again, your friends are just paranoid.

 

Here's the deal and me as a man, I had been in his shoes.. It's a safety play..

 

You are in an OPEN relationship on the verge of going exclusivity. He may have some hangups with his family in regards to the type of women he dates and he wants to see if they are receptive to you. While they may be "NICE" to you on the outset, they may not accept you when they have the talk with him. So he's keeping the option open. Also, you may be the kind of girl he is looking for, but does not provide the "WOW" factor that he wants to lock in with you. While the sex may be great, he is looking what you can offer to him on the table other than sex. He may have realized this later on, but perhaps a little in deciding whether he wants to lock in with you. Could be an insecurity issue with past girl friends.

 

I used to have a girlfriend who dragged me for a few months in an open relationship after we had sex past my 3 months probation thingy she had set up. Anyhow as it turned out, she is white and I'm not and she kept insisting that we are only exclusive when her parents approve of me. Sadly, her parents did not; no eye contact, no talk etc when I met them... I felt segregated. Suffice to say, I realized why she had left the relationship open. She knew this would happen and closed it within a week with no emotions. Again, her insecurity in herself.

 

I call these people dating their parents or relatives as they are too concerned about what others think of their actions rather than what they want. You are also the same here; too concerned about what your friends think. You are not dating your friends! You are dating him and I suspect that's probably what got you guys together? Like attracts like you know.

[Phantom888]

This topic has been repeated many times, and frankly I am disappointed that men and women have to have "the talk" in order to establish exclusivity. If you are sleeping with the guy for 4 months, he should be allowed to assume exclusivity. You don't need the talk. Actions speak louder than words. If you are not dating, then don't sleep together. If you are with him and also sleeping with other guys, you are really cheating openly without the technicalities.

 

If you want to date many people, then make sure he knows about it. Every person deserves the right to decide if he/she wants to be in a open-sex relationship. If you are hiding the facts from him, then that is too bad. I am not judgmental here. I just believe people should have the right to decide given all the facts.

[alcott]

This topic has been repeated many times, and frankly I am disappointed that men and women have to have "the talk" in order to establish exclusivity. If you are sleeping with the guy for 4 months, he should be allowed to assume exclusivity. You don't need the talk. Actions speak louder than words. If you are not dating, then don't sleep together. If you are with him and also sleeping with other guys, you are really cheating openly without the technicalities.

 

If you want to date many people, then make sure he knows about it. Every person deserves the right to decide if he/she wants to be in a open-sex relationship. If you are hiding the facts from him, then that is too bad. I am not judgmental here. I just believe people should have the right to decide given all the facts.

 

Well I think he's the one who wants to sleep around. Assuming exclusivity is a really bad idea since there are all sorts of relationships out there now... **** buddy friends with benefits open monogamish the list goes on. Just because a guy sleeps with you does not mean he cares about you or is exclusive with you. Assuming so is really setting yourself up for trouble.

 

Especially since in my case even after agreeing with exclusivity Im not sure it means anything.

[alcott]

Do not be paranoid..

 

I don't think he is treating you like a **** buddy at all. If he is, he would have a talk at the beginning of the relationship with you that he wants a FWB, so he's clear to sleep with other women or dump you when he finds the right girl. You didn't have a talk with him at all, but had slept with him which is consistent with an OPEN relationship. Him introducing you to the family is a good sign and he is probably open to exclusivity now. Now why would he introduce you to his family if he is seeing or sleeping with someone else? And why would I want to introduce you to my family is I treat you like a **** buddy? I would be assumed with my aunt and uncles or parents ask me about when I'm going to marry the "girl" -- which is you? Wouldn't I keep you from them in the dark if this guy treats you like a **** buddy. Again, your friends are just paranoid.

 

Here's the deal and me as a man, I had been in his shoes.. It's a safety play..

 

You are in an OPEN relationship on the verge of going exclusivity. He may have some hangups with his family in regards to the type of women he dates and he wants to see if they are receptive to you. While they may be "NICE" to you on the outset, they may not accept you when they have the talk with him. So he's keeping the option open. Also, you may be the kind of girl he is looking for, but does not provide the "WOW" factor that he wants to lock in with you. While the sex may be great, he is looking what you can offer to him on the table other than sex. He may have realized this later on, but perhaps a little in deciding whether he wants to lock in with you. Could be an insecurity issue with past girl friends.

 

I dont get it. You just told me not to be paranoid but that he totally views us as open (so sleeping with other people) and isn't wowed by me or that into me. Um why should I not be kinda paranoid then?

[Yookie]

Bottom line is that after 4 or 5 months he says he's not sure if he is comfortable being in a relationship with YOU. So for now he is calling it "exclusive"... until what?... he meets someone he wants a relationship with???

 

Girl please...

 

What do YOU want? If you want a relationship you need to date men who are looking for the same. I agree with your girlfriend mostly because of what you said above:

 

He is respectful towards me but also kind of distant, never discusses feelings. I think he likes me well enough as a person but I really can't tell if he's into me in a romantic way.

 

He's not integrating you into his life and keeping you at a distance. You're not even sure how he feels about you romantically? Even if he's not the type of guy that verbalizes his feelings, you will KNOW when someone is really into you. Trust your instincts.