newguy21 Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Ok so i have been seeing this girl for about a month now and things are going well. We talk and go out often and sometimes she stays at my house, but the problem is she still has almost constant contact with her ex-boyfriend. They talk often and she usually calls him, i have not really said a whole lot about it as i dont want to seem jealous or overpossesive but it does bother me. She even calls him at times for certain things she needs help with almost like if they were still together and ask him to do her favors or vice versa. They even tell each other "i love you", what should i do? I like her a lot, but i am worried, could this be a potential bad thing for them to still talk, like maybe they will get back together and i will be left. They hang out and are even going on a trip. Am i being used? She broke up with him so obviously she did not want him anymore so why does she still talk to him tell him she loves him and agrees to go do things with him? Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Oh no! Not you again. Man, you just don't get it, do you. They even tell each other "i love you", what should i do? Four step program. 1.) Get some self respect. 2.) Call her. 3.) tell her it's over. 4.) Find a better girlfriend. i am worried, could this be a potential bad thing for them to still talk, like maybe they will get back together and i will be left. yes, this will happen. They hang out and are even going on a trip. Am i being used? YES. Maybe you're being used to make her real boyfriend jealous. why does she still talk to him tell him she loves him and agrees to go do things with him? Because she still loves him and wants to do things with him. And probably get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I would not be comfortable with that much interaction. Have you tried speaking to her? Tell her how you feel, perhaps she is not aware of how uncomfortable you are with this. I am not suggesting she completely ends the frienship, but it is ok once in a while email/phone call, that much interaction is weird. On the other hand, when you are used to someone is hard to break the connection. That person is the one you always went for support, advice, the person who you always relay on making you feel better. I can understand why she keeps in touch, and frankly, unless she has to do so, I doubt she will stop. Usually people stop talking to exs when one of the new ex partners put a stop to it. There was a link previously about someone who's ex called to ask to stop and then the person was upset and hurt. There are also many posts about ex making life difficult. I do not know what is the perfect solution. Maybe somewhere in between. Please talk to her. Perhaps she will understand and you guys can reach an understanding. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy21 Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 HoldOn, hey i am sorry to be a pest but you have to understand its been a while since i have even been intrested in anyone, my last break up was very hard on me and it took me a very long time to find someone again worth a damn, even though i have dated, you can only find certain people you really click with, so for me its hard to understand how she is doign this and at the same time this is a first for me to deal with. I dont want to just walk away and have to start again. I am confused and i am looking for advice and help, not critizicism, so sorry for bothering you with this question......i just want help on how to deal with it, without...Dude you dont get it, get rid of her, move on........well for some of us its not that easy...... Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Originally posted by newguy21 Ok so i have been seeing this girl for about a month now and things are going well. We talk and go out often and sometimes she stays at my house, but the problem is she still has almost constant contact with her ex-boyfriend. They talk often and she usually calls him, i have not really said a whole lot about it as i dont want to seem jealous or overpossesive but it does bother me. She even calls him at times for certain things she needs help with almost like if they were still together and ask him to do her favors or vice versa. They even tell each other "i love you", what should i do? I like her a lot, but i am worried, could this be a potential bad thing for them to still talk, like maybe they will get back together and i will be left. They hang out and are even going on a trip. Am i being used? She broke up with him so obviously she did not want him anymore so why does she still talk to him tell him she loves him and agrees to go do things with him? Ok. Even though she dumped him, it was probably on good terms if they're so friendly. She's obviously not over him. How long after they broke up did she start seeing you? The "I love you" thing is disturbing, but how about some context? When and under what circumstances have you heard/seen this? The fact that they're taking a trip together is even more alarming. That just seems off to me... Exes taking trips together usually result in...um...banging. You may just be a rebound, mate... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I was just kidding around with you, man. Not about my advice, but just my tone. Sorry if I offended. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Dude you dont get it, get rid of her, move on........well for some of us its not that easy...... I never said it was easy, but you've got to move on. She is not really in a relationship with you because her heart is with her ex. It's not easy, but necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I wouldn't say you're being used. It gives the impression that she has this nefarious plan to keep you around until she gets back with her boyfriend. She may just not realize what she really feels and to me it appears as though she's still in love with her ex-boyfriend even though they have broken up. There may be a possibility that the two of them will get back together since they're on such close terms. I would have to say it might be best for you to step back from the relationship. You can still do things with her and date but I wouldn't invest too much of your emotion, yet. It is possible and acceptable to maintain a relationship with an ex-boyfriend. Many of us have done it and we have moved on to successful relationships. I love my ex-boyfriend and will always consider him a great friend but I'm not going to go on a vacation with him when I have a boyfriend at home. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I don't think a month is a very long time to have been together. How much time in the last four weeks have you actually spent together? And is there already some agreement between the two of you that this is a serious, monogamous "relationship"? Have you sat down and discussed how each of you feel about the other dating and/or seeing other people? So…you've gone on a few dates with this gal and now you're interested in turning it into something more serious. If you haven't already, NOW might be a good time to sit down with her and sort it all out. Ask her what she is looking for in terms of a relationship…and what her boundaries and expectations are. What are her deal-breakers? ASK her how she feels about the two of you, and whether she is open to both of you seeing other people, or is she looking for something more exclusive and long-term. Don't be afraid to step up and tell her what YOU are looking for. Explain that while you are extremely fond of her; and want to see your relationship progress to the next level; that you are not the kind of guy who can handle being in a relationship with someone who is still so connected to their past lover. That while you admire her ability to maintain friendships, you're not the kind of guy who can swallow hearing his girlfriend tell another man (an ex boyfriend) that "she loves him." Explain that "love" is not a term you believe in tossing around lightly, and you want to be with someone who feels the same. Tell her that YOU want to be the guy she comes to when she needs someone, and when in a serious relationship you just don't have it in your heart to share a girlfriend with another man. Don't tell your girlfriend directly that she has to choose between you and her ex boyfriend. Wait and see if she is willing to make that compromise on her own. If she cares enough about you, she will. If not, then you have every right to make your OWN choice whether to accept this relationship on her terms or to quietly exit and find someone else who is more compatible for you. Remember…don't play those dirty double standards. If she can see other people, than so can you! Believe me, if the shoe were on the other foot and you had the same kind of relationship going with an ex girlfriend, she would not be near as patient and understanding about it as you have been so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy21 Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 So here is the deal, i talked to her about it and she is not seeing anyone else, so we are kinda just seeing each other exclusively. I asked her about her ex and she says she is not "in love with him" but that she does love him because he is a good person who helped her out a lot and was and is always there for her like no one else. I told her in time i could be the same and she said she knew that could happen but that i should trust her because nothing is going on with her ex except a frienship. I also asked about the trip she is taking with him and she says not to worry, its a trip he askes her to go on and she agreed and they are only going as friends. I basically told her i was not too comfortable with this and it would bother me, but she says she is not going to cancel it with him and that right now in her life she likes me but she is confused as to what she really wants but she does know she would like to continue to see me ans see where it goes from here. I dont know guys, it seems to me maybe she still has feelings for him but she maybe trying to get away from them, yet this trip that they take might prove fatal for me if they re-connect. I know the right thing to do is to break it off and tell her to call me when she knows what she wants but as i said before she is the first girl in a long time that i truly like hanging out with and i have not tried to force myself to like her like others. I have dated even right before her but nothing like when we started going out together we just get along very well, so it would suck to let her go even though its only been a month but in that month we have hung out almost everyday so i would say 75% of our time has been together....AHHHHHH, i know what i need to do but i am scared and confused Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 You know...I'm going to go out on a limb here and say....keep her, if you like her that much. She sounds like she's being honest with you. The trip thing seems weird though, but that's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Ok, Let's try to put this in perspective. BTW, I'm a girl, not a dude. When she is talking about her ex she says: I asked her about her ex and she says she is not "in love with him" but that she does love him because he is a good person who helped her out a lot and was and is always there for her like no one else. When you asked her about her trip with the ex, she says: I basically told her i was not too comfortable with this and it would bother me, but she says she is not going to cancel it When she is talking about you she says: that right now in her life she likes me but she is confused as to what she really wants but she does know she would like to continue to see me ans see where it goes from here. What do you think? I know it's hard, but you are accepting being the second best. IMHO, if your genders were switched, people would be MUCH harder on your S.O. If a guy were treating his gf like this, people on this site would be ripping him a new one. But since you're a guy your expected to act all patient and let her walk all over you??? You seem like a nice guy, I am just trying to tell you that your girl friend is WRONG. Her relationship with her ex is inappropriate and you shouldn't stand for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Triguluous Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Yeah you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT THAT DUDE OUT, she can't talk to him if he an't around can she? don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Triguluous Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 forget it, NEXT'm both out....or find someone to do it for you so you wont get into trouble. hehehe girls I am just j/k Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy21 Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 I agree her being honest with me is important but what if she is not being truthful i mean i have been lied to before by a girl so maybe this is why i am worried. She could just be playing me and telling me what i want to hear, but you know what, i am just going to let time do its thing. I am not going to give her too much just in case she pulls away but i am going to continue to see her and try to figure out her actions and as far as her ex, if he has that sort of game to be able to talk his ex into going on a trip with him then i need to step mine up. Except i can't afford a trip...damn....why cant ex's just be done with , why do some people insist on keeping contact with an ex....this would be so much easier if they just let go completly. Do you guys think maybe she is comparing me to him.....he is older than me...no big deal, but he is in college and makes hell of money from what i hear at his job, and me i am trying to go to school but i do work although i am not banking too much cash, what can i do to get out in front of this guy..... Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Ok.. so you want to "compete" for her? Why bother? You've known/dated her a month. You're taking this relationship too seriously while she obviously isn't. Perhaps date her on occasion and nothing serious to see what it leads to. I don't know why you'd want to be exclusive with her. She still sounds like she's dating him. I say move on. The "game" is rigged. You'll be a loser or at least 2nd string if you "win" her. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I'm glad you took the initiative to speak up for yourself and get the answers you need. You'd be surprised at how many people are afraid to communicate their feelings and would rather swallow their discomfort and pride than confront an issue and risk rocking the boat. Believe me, if you learn how to do this more often you'll soon figure out how to weed through people's BS sooner and save yourself a whole lot of time and trouble in the long run. It'll cut out all the paranoia, guess work, and mixed signals as well as minimizing your chances of getting blind-sided by unrealistic expectations. So it seems you are more into this girl than she is into you. Not unusual. Many relationships start out a little one-sided. At least she was somewhat honest about her intentions and where she stood. But regardless of the fuzzy terminology she uses to distinguish between "friend" and "boyfriend"…Or between "loving someone" and "being in love with someone"…she is still DATING this other guy even if they aren't having sex (yet). So, realistically you are not "exclusive" no matter how hard you wish it were so. I agree with Fritz. If you still want to continue "dating" her as well, that's all fine and good so long as you don't fool yourself into believing it's anything more. According to this girl's logic, there is really nothing that distinguishes your relationship from the one she still has going with this other guy. For now, you are really nothing more than just another guy "friend," as well. However, if I were you, I wouldn't waste too much of my time and money trying to win this girl. It's like betting on a lame horse. And I certainly wouldn't agree to any kind of "exclusivity" while she gets to enjoy the perks of seeing other guys. I'd get out there too, and make a few more female "friends" of my own…continue to date and explore my own options in the event that someone with less ex-boyfriend baggage comes along. After all, why should you be the only one tied down? Oh…and also make sure you start using a condom. I don't care how insulted she gets. After all, you don't know what she's been up to, or what she'll end up doing with this other guy. If you're gonna be sharing that girl with someone else (and all HIS partners, too), make d*mn sure that's ALL the three of you are going to be swapping. You wouldn't want to be left with any lasting memories that would effect the rest of your life and make getting involved in any future relationships difficult and uncomfortable. Have fun! Enjoy it for what it is...but don't let this girl mess with your head! Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy21 Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 Well for starters her and i have not slept together yet, although if we do i always wear a condom even in long term relationships i have always been one to wear a condom. Even my ex she was on birth control but i still used a condom, cause you never know, but anyways, she has told me they have not slept together and even before they broke up they had not slept together for about a month and i believe her cause that is something we talked about, and she is not the type to give it up easily. She said sex is something that is special and emotional to her and she does not do that whith just anyone. Also like i said i guess what confuses me is she is only dating me but i guess you are right because in some sort of weird way her and her ex do still have a relationship of sorts even though it is not physical, they are still in a relationship. So if i date someone else and she is not then its like i am doing wrong you know. You guys think maybe they are just really good friends and thats it and i am making this too big of a deal when in reality it could be nothing. I dont know, i am going to go away for the weekend and think about things and when i get back its either i will continue to see her or i wont. I have to make my mind up before it goes any further, i will either continue to see her and have to deal with the ex or cut it off all together....thank you guys sooo much for your help i really appreciate it and if you got any other tips i will be more than happy to read them.... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Newguy, It's not that I am trying to sound harsh, I am just trying to wake you up because I think you are living in denial. BTW, How old are you? some sort of weird way her and her ex do still have a relationship of sorts even though it is not physical, they are still in a relationship. Hello! Yes, they have a relationship. You guys think maybe they are just really good friends and thats it and i am making this too big of a deal when in reality it could be nothing. Please explain the difference between her relationship with you and her relationship with her ex. Her relationship with her ex seems MORE serious than her relationship with you because she tells him "I love you" and she is going on a trip with him. She is not having sex with either of you. She hangs out with him and she hangs out with you. PLEASE explain how you think that you are exclusively dating when you obviously are NOT. This girl certainly has a way with words if she has convinced you that you are exclusively dating her or even that she is your girlfriend. There is more evidence here that she is actually dating BOTH of you. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will. I think she is walking all over you and you're sitting there saying "Oh, I hope I don't seem jealous or controlling. That would be really bad. So please, honey, do what you want. Just don't leave me!" Link to post Share on other sites
Believer69 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Going away with an EX is just weird, unless you are hoping to work things out, see if they have "changed" etc. I don't think that you keeping your options open would be doing "wrong", because that is obviously what she is doing. I think you need to tell her that her spending so much time, whether it in person or on the phone, with her Ex is NOT being exclusive in your relationship. As long as she continues such a close relationship with him you shouldn't feel as though you are exclusive, and that means that you have the option of making "good friends" yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy21 Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 HoldOn i am 21, i know your right i am in denial because i really like this girl but you know its hard to take advice and actually do it. I mean i am looking at it now from your view if i was helping someone with this i would say the same but its hard to actually take steps you know. I guess because she stays at my house sometimes, we kiss, go to movies, hang out with friends and stuff i feel we are together more so than she is with her ex. Although they talk often and even hang out at times i am with her more than she is with him but still i really dont see them ever stopping contact. As she has said "he is someone who i will always be friends with until the end" and before this though she has never had contact with any ex's. She sure did not talk to any ex boyfriends when she was with him and has never stayed friends really with any ex's until this guy and it just so happened that it has to be with me. When i ask her why they talk, she says she really cant explain it but she knows they will always be friends and talk and its something she has never previously done before. Its odd she says because this is new to her. I dont know why me? Yes they do have a relationship, i see that and yes there is that possability they will get back together when they go on their trip, but damn...its hard to do what you know has to be done when you really dont want to.... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 As she has said "he is someone who i will always be friends with until the end" she knows they will always be friends and talk Well, she is not going to stop. So you have to decide whether you want to share her forever. OR you could find someone new who will appreciate your love and attention. its hard to do what you know has to be done when you really dont want to.... Well. I am sorry to say this, but the decision is already out of your hands. Your gf has DECIDED to continue her relationship with her ex. She has DECIDED to go on a trip with him. And tell him she LOVES HIM. The only decision you have to make is to LET GO. Believe me, you will feel so relieved! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Check out this thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=263838#post263838 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy21 Posted July 17, 2004 Author Share Posted July 17, 2004 You know what that post was absolutely right. I need someone who gives to me what i give to them. Its obvious that the girl i am seeing now will never stop talking to her ex and it could always haunt me if i stay with her and i dont want that. She obviously has feelings for him even if they are just friends now and there is no physical affection but one never know there could be, so the hell with it i am going out of town. I wont call her and when i get back i am going to tell her that i cant deal with this. I dont want to be with her while she is still talking to her ex the way she does. Its going to suck cause i like her but i do deserve better, and if she wants to keep him in her life then i dont want to be a part of this 3 wheel circle, so i am out. Why invest more time into her when its obvious she is not really giving me the same, i bet if i talked to my ex she would be all over me about it. So thank you guys and ladies for all your advice i am going to do what has to be done. I am going to be positive, think positive and the best will come out of this and i will let you guys know how it goes...... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Yay! Stay strong. If things get sticky, you be the mature one. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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