humanitee Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Okay, so here's my story. I met my boyfriend about a year ago about 4 months after he broke up with his ex who he was with for 5 years and who was cheating on him. It was tough on him and so we decided to take things slowly. I know there were times when he was depressed about it even when he told me that he was over her. I trusted him and continued the relationship with him. About two months ago he was acting weird and he told me he was having trouble at work and once again I believed him. Then a few weeks after that I found out that his ex was engaged to be married to the guy who she cheated on him with. I said nothing and he seemed okay after a while. Then last week out of the blue he proposed to me. He said he loves me and wants to get married to me. I was shocked because it was so out of the blue and we never discussed marriage. I didn't give him an answer b/c the more I thought about it the more I thought that he was only proposing to me because his ex is now engaged. He doesn't know that I know about the ex's engagement-- but I know that he knows because he's still close to her family. I was wondering If anyone thinks i'm overreacting. I do love him and maybe i'm just drawing conclusions that he proposed to me b/c of his ex's engagement. But the rational side of me thinks he's not over his ex even though he tells me he is. I don't know how to answer him. My friends are split some say I should run and others think i should say yes. Link to post Share on other sites
dlyall Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 To find out exactly what is going on in his head is to talk to him. Asking us will not help you find that answer. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 The fact you had to come here to make a thread asking strangers, "Should I Marry Him?" Should tell you: No. You should not marry him. These are the alarm bells you should be listening to. Not only that: 1. He gets with you a mere 4 months after the end of a 5 year relationship in which HE was cheated on. So he's obviously harboring hurt and bad feelings. 2. He's obviously withdrawn and "off" after hearing of his ex's engagement to the guy she cheated with. 3. He proposes to you after learning about his ex. I'm willing to bet proposing to you was a knee-jerk reaction having NOTHING to do with actually being so in love and actually wanting to marry you, but a move he hopes will get back to his ex, and "hurt her." I wouldn't marry this guy at all. Marriage isn't about playing games and getting back at ex partners. Marriage is real life. Marriage is serious. And you're gonna have a real bad time when the party's over and reality sets in and a divorce possibly happens. Not only would I not marry this guy, but I would keep him at a bit of a distance now. He's clearly not over the ex, and he has a lot of stuff to get through before he's capable of being in an emotionally healthy relationship. Instead of actually getting over his ex, he jumped in a relationship with you. He's masking his hurt and it's only going to come back to bite him in the a.ss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blotter Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 4 months out of a 5 year relationship seems way too soon. That dude never dealt with his garbage from that relationship before hopping into one with you. I'd be wary if I were you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Look, I actually doubt how head over heals in love you are with this dude. ... When two people are just so in love, when the guy proposes the girl normally cries she is so emotional; that happens when you both love each other immensely and it grows more and more every day. The fact you are asking strangers about it is telling. A girl who is SO in love and SO sure that love is reciprocated, would say yes, no questions asked. A proposal should be heartfelt and emotional. If there is any doubt, it is not one of "those" relationships, where both people are oh so madly in love... I would re consider the relationship to me honest. Personally, I think it is ideal to find a guy where you both get to know each other, and over time, say a year or so, you BOTH feel very secure and deeply in love, with NO fear of exes of the past.. You don't have that carefree, in love feeling with this guy; you wonder about his ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I vote no - by the clear evidence that you TWO don't communicate with EACH OTHER. Poor communication is disaster for any marriage. You two never discussed marriage! He isn't willing to TELL you exactly how HE feels - and here YOU ARE guessing about what he feels about her - you - and his motives for proposing. I vote HELL NO! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Unfortunately, based on what you've shared, you should NOT say YES. It seems clear to me that based on the fact that his ex is now engaged/getting married and the two of you have never spoken of marriage in the past leads me to believe that this was not a well-thought out proposal. I think you suspect this as well. For now, I would say NO. The next few weeks, months (post his ex's marriage) will tell you a lot about whether he's even healthy enough to be in a relationship with you LT. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 The fact that your initial instinct was to say no should be reason enough for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 not yet, and I agree you need to talk with him - I ask too - do you specially want each others' children? you're in for the long haul... Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 1) You were his rebound. 2) Yes - 100% he is asking you to get married only because his ex is getting married. He is still hurting from her and needs therapy. My advice: tell him to see a therapist and break up with him. He is using you as a crutch. If his ex ever called him up and gave him a hint of them reuniting, he would drop you fast - think about that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 dont do it. If he even winces or reacts to his ex's engagement, that means he's not over her yet. You do not want to marry a man who is not over his ex. No way!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 If you like him there is no need to rush off and get married. Tell him you will give him a 'maybe' but you want to wait another six months or a year (or whatever) to get used to the idea. You could get engaged but postpone the wedding "until we save enough money for a big wedding," or "I want to go to Italy for my honeymoon" or "until we save enough for a down payment on a house." Easy to stall. If he wants it to happen sooner ask, "What's the rush?" You need to see how he reacts once she gets married. It may give him closure or may drive him over the cliff. He may withdraw the proposal. Anything could happen. I wouldn't dump him though. All he is guilty of is having a broken heart. Hearing about the engagement opened an old wound. Similar happened to me. I thought I was over my ex until I heard he got married. I was very hurt but got over it eventually. It didn't really affect any relationships since I wasn't seriously involved at the time. People can learn a lesson here: he was with this woman for five years. Most people would be married before then if it were real love. Clearly his ex wasn't feeling it. Never wait more than two years, then cut your losses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emva07 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 when my mom found out my dad got remarried she quickly started dating my stepdad (he had been courting her for months but she was not interested)....a few months later they were married. It has been 20 years. My mom recently told me that she married him when she found out my dad had re-married, not only because of the hurt but also because as an ex you want the other person to see you are happy too. She says that sure, she grew to be fond of my stepdad, but she never loved him like she loved my dad. I don't know about you but I would hate to be someone's lifelong rebound. Like others have said, you know what's going on, don't ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 My best friend stayed with her " rebound". Then again, she had checked out of her relationship well before it ended... Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 People can learn a lesson here: he was with this woman for five years. Most people would be married before then if it were real love. Clearly his ex wasn't feeling it. Never wait more than two years, then cut your losses. YES! People - read this and memorize it! Anything more than 2 years of dating with no hint of marriage on the horizon, you're a stepping stone or a security blanket. You should know right away within a year of dating if you want to be with the person for life or not. Any excuse from your partner means they're not really in love but like to have you around. Big difference between love and liking someone. Link to post Share on other sites
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