- been dumped via text!? Such pain

[Searching771]

Any advice would be greatly appreciated - I have posted here before and you were all wonderful.

 

I started seeing a guy who is 11 years older, owns his own company, has a 15 year old son and initially made me feel like a million dollars.

 

2 months in and I got some very serious red flags - he is funny, insanely intelligent but openly admitted that he often worries that he could be sociopathic as he has enjoyed manipulating people in the past.

 

He also told me that he is selfish, and I can totally see this. It is all about him and his wants and needs but he makes me feel so good and alive when I am with him.

 

He never asks me how I am, whether I have had a good day. The other week I got annoyed, and was scared after hearing about his manipulation, and text him back in quite a snappy way saying "You never ask me how I am , you never ask my opinion on where we want to go, it is always on your terms" Then he called me and I did mention the fact that when we had sex there was no thought of me, all about him (not a good move on my part!)

 

I realise that is dating suicide, but I was just so annoyed - I am ALWAYS asking how he is, it was really getting to me. But then he has been kind, pays for dinner, acts like a gentleman - so confusing!

 

I told him about my past and a recent health problem - there was no offer for support - nothing , just back to him.

 

So after the text,I apologised, he said it was fine, but then let me down 4 times in a row , saying he wants to see me again but needs time to think. The 5th time he let me down when I was supposed to be seeing him, I said I wasnt happy about it, life is too short and he has just finished with me via text!! This is a 40 year old guy!

 

He has had a difficult childhood and so did I, we shared a lot and I can understand why he is the way he is. He might not understand what it means to be loved and love back - but how painful!

 

I truly believe he is a good guy, but has not had the love he deserves which is why he is the way he is.

 

Another red flag was that he told me his relationship with his ex was coming to an end and he didnt want them to keep getting back together again after splitting up , so he cheated on her (on purpose - ie - went out to do it) and then told her , so it would hurt her so much she wouldnt want him back. When challenged, he said he did it for revenge as well because of something she did to him 5 years ago that hurt him.

 

I know this is classic signs of narcissism, and he has really got under my skin. We shared so much and now I have simply been cut out completely. I know my snappy complaining text was not a good move, but I was scared - was I too being manipulated!?

 

Professionally, I also wanted to keep him 'on my side' as we may cross paths again in the future..... we also got on so well so it would have been nice to stay friends.

 

I am so upset. I wrote out a letter last night and thought about whether I should send it to him, explaining the reasons why I got snappy and angry via text, and that I did think really highly of him...... I want some closure, but I dont think I am going to get it am I?

 

Please help people! I am so shocked and upset by it all....

 

I guess they say rejection is God's protection dont they....a good way to look at it. x

[Philosoraptor]

I've read both of your threads now. He was straight up with you and told you what a selfish loser he is.

 

You need to cut ties with him fully. You're right, he's a 40 year old manipulative loser and your life will be much better once you move past this. Find someone who is actually mature and capible of being in a healthy relationship

[PinkCarnations]

You're nagging at him too much. Please do not write a letter. If anything, just keep your distance and work on yourself.

[soccerrprp]

Searching771,

 

I must agree with some others here. You need to step back for a moment and re-read what you've posted and ask yourself why you're even considering or hinting on having a relationship with this guy? You claim he's a gentleman, but his actions show otherwise...and, in fact, show that he is selfish and inconsiderate.

 

I simply don't understand why or how you ladies, especially, manage to cover-up all of the negatives about a person with the crumbs of positive that are at best inconsistent and the exception. Move on.

[truth_seeker]

Go cold on him and meet new people. Don't be surprised that once he feels you're gone, he will suddenly contact you. Your response: I met someone else and am very happy. Take care.

[Searching771]

It is just so clever, how he does it - and I like to believe that he is a good soul under all the defenses and pain.

 

He has since been in touch and siad its his defence machanism that causes him to be this way because he was stalked previously, and this is his way of defending himself.

 

This guy is a mind boggler isnt he.... I have been played, and need to get my confidence back... I am dealing with a master of deceipt here I think.

 

Anyone else been through similar?x

[ExpatInItaly]

It is just so clever, how he does it - and I like to believe that he is a good soul under all the defenses and pain.

 

He has since been in touch and siad its his defence machanism that causes him to be this way because he was stalked previously, and this is his way of defending himself.

 

This guy is a mind boggler isnt he.... I have been played, and need to get my confidence back... I am dealing with a master of deceipt here I think.

 

Anyone else been through similar?x

 

Do you really trust that he's telling the truth about that?

 

Anyway, yes..I have experienced something very similar. Such people can and will impulsively cut you out of their lives. Then they will try to drag you back later - not because they miss YOU, per se. They miss the validation and praise they get from you. They miss feeling important and adored. Thus begins the gaslighting and manipulation. I've been there, I understand how painful and frustrating it is. I finally realized that my ex didn't really care how his actions impacted me or how I was doing - he cared about me feeding his ego. Eventually, I just cut off the supply. Without professional help and a consistent long-term effort to manage this behaviour, IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. They are indeed master manipulators.

 

Give yourself some time to breathe and stay away from this man. He is not well.

 

P.S. OP, please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

Edited September 27, 2013 by ExpatInItaly

[nescafe1982]

Yeah, get away from this guy immediately. And stay away.

 

In the interim, you have some soul-searching to do. What about your personality brings selfish, narcissistic men into you life? Do you have any emotional patterns that contribute to you getting enmeshed in unhealthy relationships?

 

Take some time to work on you. You mentioned you've had some difficulties growing up and had a tough family life. Have you seen someone to discuss this? No shame in that game; everyone needs a little emotional "tune-up" once in a while, and if you were indeed tangled up with a narcissist/sociopathic type, you might just want to talk to a counselor to help you get back to a healthy path in your relationships.

 

Good luck! And drop this guy like a bad habit. Seriously.

 

 

edit to add: yes, I have been in a relationship like this one. I also have a narcissistic parent and have seen first-hand how relationships with these types are just a black-hole of pain, manipulation, and crazy-making. For me, it did take professional intervention, which i would recommend to ANYONE who has been part of a pattern like the one you describe.

 

Women who get into these types of relationships also tend to be "caretakers." Are you a caretaker? Do you find yourself coming to your friends' rescue? Does your attachment style with romantic partners consist of you "saving" your partner from himself? If so, talk to someone about this.... it (more than anything else) will attract men like the one you described into your life.

Edited September 27, 2013 by nescafe1982

[Searching771]

What lovely, kind people you are for giving me such great advice.

 

This is such a typical pattern for me and you're really helping me to see this. I guess male figures have always been absent in my life. I was adopted as a baby, will never know my real father, grew up with an alcoholic adoptive Dad and, despite having been to university and done pretty ok considering all the trauma I experienced as I child, I struggle with self esteem and quite clearly have some problems in the relationship areas.

 

Ah, the curse of a dysfunctional childhood.

 

I seem to be a magnet for outsiders, creative souls with deep seated emotional pain, thinking I can save them, like my Dad.

 

Yes, I did go to therapy and can you believe- I managed to somehow draw a very damaged and crazed counsellor into my life!! I had to go to a hearing last month, it was so bad...again, a man - mind games, the lot. Not sure what it is with me- very bad luck.

 

So here I am, in this horrid pattern again.

 

There are decent men out there, aren't there? Who can give support emotionally and not abuse? The dating pool is scary (I'm 29) and most men I have met through dating sites just have nothing to say, or they are after one thing.

 

And for some reason, I have this innate ability to draw people to me who will simply just end up abusing me. Sometimes you only realise when its too late, as well. May have to hand them a narcissist test on date number one!

 

He's really destroyed my confidence...I literally feel drained- those push/pull, mind games... you're right - he is an ill man. It's time to heal and find some strength in myself.....

[nescafe1982]

I'm so sorry to hear that something this bad happened with your counselor, OP. That really is a case of terrible luck and it makes me sad to hear that you (as someone who openly admits having a trouble past re: interrelationships) found that one awful counselor out there when you went out to seek help.

 

Seriously, that is really, very awful dumb luck.

 

There are professionals out there who are more... professional. I hope your terrible experience doesn't put you off you commitment to healing with a qualified therapist.

 

Your story sounds remarkably similar to my own (I'm 30 and was not adopted, but otherwise the patterns you describe are very similar). What I can say from my own experience is that my own tendencies towards codependency led me away from healthy and available men. Something was truly wrong with my "picker." I don't know how this happened, either, but somehow I must've been wearing the word "doormat" or "caretaker" on my forehead, because for many years those were the guys who approached me (and they will find one every time).

 

The good news is you sound like you are open to taking some time "off" from dating to explore your attachment style and relationship patterns; that's a huge step. That, and stepping away from an unhealthy man once you identify red flags. That's huge too and will take you miles away from repeating this pattern.

 

I'm not an expert on mental health or attachment issues, but when I was falling out of a bad relationship I read a lot about codependency and discovered some ways that I'd contributed to unhealthy patterns, and in the worst case scenario, a case where I'd opened myself up to abuse. I learned to practice self-love (okay.. I'm still learning, and it's been 4-5 years) and took a year off from dating until I felt more reasonably confident about what *I* offered to a relationship with a man (rather than on the companionship I felt I "needed").

 

Anyway, I hesitate to give too much more advice based on my own story, but I commend you on making some important first steps towards healing. Keep it up and for gosh-sake, if a man tells you he "might be a sociopath," believe him and run for the hills!

[writergal]

It is just so clever, how he does it - and I like to believe that he is a good soul under all the defenses and pain.

 

He has since been in touch and siad its his defence machanism that causes him to be this way because he was stalked previously, and this is his way of defending himself.

 

This guy is a mind boggler isnt he.... I have been played, and need to get my confidence back... I am dealing with a master of deceipt here I think.

 

Anyone else been through similar?x

 

I can relate to you being so easily manipulated. Narcissists are great con artists when it comes to wooing women.

 

As other posters have pointed out, this guy told you he was a manipulator and told you he had low self esteem etc. etc. etc. Um, that would have been a good time for you to say, "Buh-bye!"

 

I have dated my fair share of narcissists when my self-esteem was in the pits, so I only have myself to blame (b/c I chose to date the bozos). And they were exactly and I mean EXACTLY like this loser you've described. You see, all narcissists share the same personality traits, pull the same moves, and once they know your weaknesses they go full-speed ahead into "crazy-making" mode where they confuse you so much that you begin to doubt yourself. Once you reach that "self-doubt" level then you've been had my friend. Completely. And then, THEN it's time to exit that toxic relationship stage left.

 

Stop analyzing your behavior with the whole text debacle. The bigger issue here is you're still in a bit of denial about your role in this because you're still more concerned about what he thinks of you, than what you think of him and how he's let you down in so many ways.

 

My last narcissist boyfriend encounter was back in 08-09 and I posted about it here. Several threads actually resulted from my denial to want to see how Mr. recently-divorced-and-really-narcisstic was being a HUGE douche-bag to me. And the posters who responded to my threads pointed this out to me but I was in the classical denial stage, as I see that you are and I empathize with you.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is recognize how your low self esteem may trigger your attraction to such lower-than-scum-narcissists like this guy, who prey on women like Dracula and vant to suck your blood aka life essence, leaving only a shell of a woman behind (cue the

.. Like Scarlett O'Hara did, you will overcome this douche, for tomorow...is...another...day as LoveShack is your witness. And please don't go chase your Rhett Butler b/c he's a real douche). Edited September 27, 2013 by writergal

[Searching771]

Wow - what a couple of weeks....I've been feeling so low since he tossed me aside but HAVE NOT CONTACTED HIM!

 

Thanks for all your help and advice - he was wearing me down so much after just a couple of months... I was getting caught in the trap, as you say - but I am free.

 

I'm taking on board what everyone has said and refusing to be a lifelong victim of my upbringing....its giong to be a long journey, but hopefully my knight in shining armour is at the end of it.

 

Love to all

[stillafool]

Glad to hear. Remember when people tell you who and what they are believe them. I don't think this guy is over his ex anyway. Glad you are moving on.

[giblesp]

"Then he called me and I did mention the fact that when we had sex there was no thought of me, all about him (not a good move on my part!)"

 

A very good move. If a man is making love to you for his own pleasure and not yours, that reflects not only his attitude towards you, but the fear he has for life.

 

You deserve better.

[Eleanore]

Oh, my goodness! I can SO relate to what you experienced - something very similar happened to me about a year ago!

 

My guy was also around 40 (I was 27 at the time) and we met at a ballroom dance competition. He totally charmed me and made me feel like a million dollars as well. We even ended up being partners - though we didn't win.

 

The glow faded about a month into the relationship. He also started issuing "disclaimers" such as "I don't usually have a lot of empathy for other people's feelings" - and "I usually see things in black and white."

 

After a time, things started to feel totally one-sided. He would call me up and rant about his day for 30 minutes or more, and never once ask how I was doing. In fact, once he called me when I was sick in bed with a horrible stomach bug, blathered on for 45 minutes about some problem he was having, then hung up. Later he texted me to ask why I'd sounded so "uninterested" in what he was saying. It was only then that I had the chance to tell him that I'd actually been sick as a dog when he called. :-/

 

The relationship ended when he threw a tantrum because I was hesitant to let him into my house when he showed up unannounced (I wasn't dressed, and things were a mess!). He said it was cold outside and he forgot to bring a jacket. Apparently that was my fault too!

 

Looking back, it all seems so silly. I wish I'd known then what I know now:

 

*People who are dismissive of others' feelings/concerns have a character issue. They're not saving up all their bad behavior for me (or for you, or for anyone) - it's who they are.

*Character issues are not likely to change and are the most serious of all "dealbreakers" when it comes to relationships.

*When somebody tells me who they are, I should believe them.

*I shouldn't be surprised when somebody who didn't care about me all along chooses a careless way of breaking up with me (it was a text message in my case too!).

 

I actually wrote about this guy on my blog a few days ago. You might find it interesting - the post is called "How I used the Character Test to come to terms with a breakup." The link to my blog is in my profile under "contact info" if you'd like to check it out.

 

Hope you're feeling better soon - I'll say a quick prayer for you right now. Take care!

[urdone]

Eesshhh, what a thread, very interesting and insightful comments I must say. And yes, many wise and enlightened (women) I note have hit the nail on the head for this particular personality type. I'm a guy, and believe the same personality type works the same for both male and females (bitter experience has taught me very well), I can just look at someone and see it "ooze" out of them, my anti-evil-bat-radar siren goes off. This to me is one of, if not the worst type of person there is, at first they're charming, witty, and by instinct know exactly the right thing to say and do to keep you on the hook, they actively seek out and choose their next "victim", then the mask falls off rapidly, they crawl inside your head, hijack your heart and by then its usually to late, I have seen a couple of very decent chicks reduced to screaming emotionally tortured burnt out wreaks due to this type of person, completely sucked dry of their personality.

 

On a slighty more upbeat note I think in recent times It seems people are waking up to and becoming educated on Borderline/narcissistic personalities, the stories are all the same, they're "textbook" and some read like horror stories. All I can say is I'm happy for anyone who dodges this bullet, there are far worse things in the world then being single.