Gay comment/Something has gone awry...

[infullcolor]

Hello lovebirds,

 

I have a strange situation and would appreciate outsider opinions. Let me begin.

 

I began seeing a man, and during our first date, I wasn't feeling him very much. He was very attractive, but seemed a wee bit too into himself and I also picked up slight gay vibes... He thoroughly enjoyed himself however, and told me he had a great time. After the date, he promptly texted me to see when we could meet again. A few days later he asked me out to dinner, and I agreed on the basis that people usually deserve 2 dates (assuming the first wasn't a complete wreck).

 

We go out again and I find myself warming up, enjoying his company. Again, he articulates how much fun he had and wants to see me again. I reciprocate. He reaches out and sets up another date. Things go on in a similar pattern a few times more.

 

And here the fun begins. On our last date, he told me gay men hit on him quite frequently. At this point, I am a bad combination of tipsy and tired, so I say, "to be honest, when I first met you I had a (very quickly) passing thought that you could be gay. But it was just a passing thought!"

 

Clearly, not a wise move. He laughed and didn't seem too upset by it, we talked a bit more, finished our date and planned to go out again... and he goes dark. I give it some time and text him to see if he wants to go out for drinks with no avail, he doesn't respond. I took the hint. Normally I'd bitch about the houdini act and get over it, but this case keeps lingering because I feel as if opening my big fat mouth caused the issue. Another possibility is that he only wanted sex, and when I more or less conveyed I wouldn't be putting out soon, he bailed. I would honestly consider this the most likely explanation, however the times we saw each other he didn't make a single move (also frustrating) and was extremely respectful. Sooo....Thoughts? Would this dude have disappeared regardless of my ridiculous comment?

Edited September 21, 2013 by infullcolor

[forgetmenot75]

Yeah, bad move for sure. Never EVER joke with their sexuality, specially if you don't know each other well.

This guy might have some issues with guys approaching to him, the last thing he wanted to hear is that you too think he's gay! Bad, bad move. I'm sorry for you

[soccerrprp]

LOL! Yeah, not a good move! What made you think he was (possibly) gay?

 

Anyway, I dated a woman that was convinced for the longest time that i may have been gay. Too polite, didn't make the moves that she was used to seeing from guys, I can crochet, sew, teach fashion design, clean-cut, etc. Anyway, it was hilarious....for me it wasn't a problem as I have sometimes been mistaken for being gay. In fact, I don't find it insulting unless, of course, it hinders my ability to date women. Also a little frustrating when a woman (only once) is or cannot be convinced otherwise in my case. (...the past)

 

I'm in a serious relationship with that same woman now! LOL! She definitely does not think I'm gay NOW!

 

Yeah, don't think this guy took the gay thing well....

[infullcolor]

Hahaha sigh.... I guessed I effed this one up, eh? He was pretty open about discussing people questioning his sexuality (even his dad asked him, ha!) so I guess I wrongly assessed his comfort level. I even told him I was wrong and didn't think that anymore, but I suppose once you hear something you can never unhear it. Haha. Hmmm, it was his mannerisms, the voice (ever so slightly), and probably my biases. I come from a region where men fit the very accepted, stereotypical heterosexual male construct so anything that deviates I'm unaccustomed to. Oh well, now I'm just pissed at myself for screwing things up with a good catch but I'll get over it I suppose. Do you think I should say anything? I think it's best to just let things die.

 

LOL well I'm glad your lady no longer thinks you are gay, definitely a good thing

[BradJacobs]

My guess is that it's the no sex timeline that you laid out.

 

Of course my response to you claiming I might be gay would be me wanting to give you first-hand proof of how wrong you were.

[forgetmenot75]

Let things die. There is no coming back after that.

[infullcolor]

Haha I think the difference in male/female thought is funny... All of my guy friends chalk it up to the sex thing, while my girlfriends assure me it was the gay comment. Ahh, c'es la vie.

[Tina747]

I also would not completely rule out that he might be struggling with the issue he might be gay or bi. How old is he? The fact that he brought it up and you were already thinking it is significant. You said you got a gay vibe? Are your instincts usually right? Straight men don't usually bring up gay subjects (of any kind) early on in dating (at least in my experience). It just isn't on their minds. He may have been testing you... gauging you for a reaction.

Edited September 21, 2013 by Tina747

[TheGuard13]

Also, teasingly calling a man gay is something some women do to express that they have no real romantic or sexual interest in him.

[soccerrprp]

Also, teasingly calling a man gay is something some women do to express that they have no real romantic or sexual interest in him.

 

I have to agree with this. She tried convincing herself that I was to make it easier to move on. (Tried to anyway...)

[infullcolor]

Also, teasingly calling a man gay is something some women do to express that they have no real romantic or sexual interest in him.

 

True, I can see how this would be used as a tactic to avoid more bluntly letting him know she's not interested. I did reach out to him a couple times after the incident (which I would thing would be indicative of my continued romantic interest in him) but he didn't respond. I guess this could be the hurt feelings coming through? who knows.

[infullcolor]

This had nothing to do with sex. You ridiculed the guy [showing disrespect the very least] and basically said you questioned his sexuality when you first saw him [that is not a compliment for sure] basically emasculating the guy. [There is a chance he was sensitive already and that gays hitting on him was a story in that content]. You said he laughed it off and didn't seem upset [did you expect him to cry and create flashy drama?] but that is more likely a sign of maturity [or him being polite]. Girls think commenting on their weight is a big faux pas, try challenging guy's masculinity... Same thing. [You just don't do either, regardless of how comfortable you think the other person is] The last thing a [heteresexual] guy needs to hear on a date is how the girl doesn't (or didn't) see him as a [heteresexual] man. Yikes. Manners people...

 

Hahaha oh man, I surely did not ridicule him... Earlier we had a discussion about how people needed to lighten up and not take things so personally, and this, amongst other things he said led me to believe it would be an ok thing to bring up (because believe it or not, some people can handle it. I personally couldn't care less if someone commented about my weight, however I do realize it's not something one should do). But trust me, I learned my lesson about keeping my mouth shut and now I have to pay for my mistake with the guilt that I hurt this dude's feelings AND lost a potential suitor. And lastly, though this isn't an excuse, I WAS slightly intoxicated and my filter was impaired-- I'm actually one of the most polite people I know

[Bigcitydreamer]

To me it sounds like he could be gay. Like an above poster said the fact that the thought crossed your mind, and he then randomly brings up the fact that he gets hit on by gay guys is really weird. You have to put 2 and 2 together. Coincidences do occur but this case seems less about coincidence.

 

Off topic but illustrates how signs do exist and can foreshadow things: around Xmas time my friend and my ex are tagged in a pic together just 2 of them. I really didn't think a whole lot. It was weird but I doubted it for various reasons. But then they both inboxed me on Christmas and I found that super weird. I thought maybe a weird coincidence? Then I found out that they were hooking up! I feel your situation is similar. I bet he was gay.

[MrCastle]

Maybe you didn't give him clues that you were ready to be physical.

 

This belief where if a guy isn't trying to rip your panties off on date one then there might be something wrong with him is overblown.

 

My sexuality has never been questioned, but I am very respectful the first few dates. Unless she's giving me cues to take it to the next level, I stay put.

 

So don't assume he's gay just because he didn't make a move. Maybe he's inexperienced, shy, respectful, or all three.

 

If he's saying gay guys hit on him, maybe he's sending out gay vibes, but a true gay person who is in denial would be trying really hard to come across as bring straight.

 

If he was really gay, he would be too ashamed to draw any attention to the fact that he gets hit on by gay guys and instead would try to brag about how much pussy he gets.

 

I bake, and I blast Lana Del Rey in my car and I'm a pussy terminator so there

[Bigcitydreamer]

Maybe you didn't give him clues that you were ready to be physical.

 

This belief where if a guy isn't trying to rip your panties off on date one then there might be something wrong with him is overblown.

 

My sexuality has never been questioned, but I am very respectful the first few dates. Unless she's giving me cues to take it to the next level, I stay put.

 

So don't assume he's gay just because he didn't make a move. Maybe he's inexperienced, shy, respectful, or all three.

 

If he's saying gay guys hit on him, maybe he's sending out gay vibes, but a true gay person who is in denial would be trying really hard to come across as bring straight.

 

If he was really gay, he would be too ashamed to draw any attention to the fact that he gets hit on by gay guys and instead would try to brag about how much pussy he gets.

 

I bake, and I blast Lana Del Rey in my car and I'm a pussy terminator so there

 

That's a good point too though, if someone was trying to hide that they were gay then they would probably not bring the term up. But maybe their subconscious is leaking through or something. Or maybe he has trouble concealing who he truly is.

 

How many dates were there? How physical did you guys get? Bringing up his sexuality isn't the smoothest tactic but I can't see that one incident making him change his mind about you that drastically?

[soccerrprp]

I remember my incident...after telling her what I did (crochet, teach fashion design, sew), I voluntarily mentioned that I was mistaken for being gay b/c of what I do, but also mentioned that the same happened when I was much younger (weird). I volunteered that information b/c I'm okay with it and very confident about my sexuality. I didn't think she'd over-thinking it, but she was worried for a bit there and wasn't sure if she should continue with our relationship.

 

I agree, if in denial, I don't think he'd volunteer such information, but in what context did he volunteer that information to you, OP?

[infullcolor]

I agree, if in denial, I don't think he'd volunteer such information, but in what context did he volunteer that information to you, OP?

 

I don't quite remember how it was brought up... I think he was saying he's rarely been hit on by women, but often by gay men. Something along those lines, and from there I became curious and probed.

 

I'm not super concerned about knowing if he's gay or not (for the record, I think he's straight, it was truly a passing judgement I was prob wrong about), I want to know why he went dark on me! Could it be:

 

A) He was hurt/offended/put off by the gay comment, enough to cut all communication without a "thanks but no thanks" type thing

 

B) He found someone else/simply wasn't that into me (which given his pursuit and follow through is strange, but I know men do it)

 

C) He was interested in sex, and courted me until I made it clear it would be a bit of time before that happened (but also, he made no advances reg. hugging, kissing etc. I had to!)

 

 

LOL in hindsight this is so stupid to analyze as I will never know and he will probably never reappear, but now it's curiosity

Edited September 22, 2013 by infullcolor

[MalachiX]

It's hard to say. On the one hand, it seems like a bit of an overreaction on his part but, on the other hand, such comments can sting even if you're 100% straight and not homophobic.

 

People sometimes assume I'm gay and, while I'm not offended or anything (since, of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay); I do get my feelings hurt a little when it's from a woman who I find attractive and would like to go out with. I don't get angry but it kinda knocks some of the wind out of pursuing her because the comment suggests that she doesn't see me as someone she'd ever end up with (I realize that's not how it's intended but that's how it can make a guy feel).

 

For future reference, I actually don't think there's anything wrong with telling a guy that you thought he was gay as long as it's clearly you're not still wondering and as long as you let him feel secure in pursuing you. Just last weekend I spent the night with someone and afterwards, she told me that she'd thought I was gay when we first met. Clearly it didn't bother me at that point since we'd managed to hook-up anyway so I knew that her belief was not an impedament.

 

Maybe, next time, you might tell a guy, "I actually thought you were gay when we first met. I'm glad you're not." Or anything like that to let him know that you're not writing him off.

[infullcolor]

Look, this is very simple. It is (A) and if you are interested in any movement, you should have a mature apology/remorse in hand [some of the things you said in here, that dosage is enough] and then hope for the best.

 

At the risk of seeming completely desperate/clingy/crazy, I went ahead and sent an apology of sorts, because I did feel a bit like an ass. Quite doubtful he'll ever be in touch after that, buuuut at least I have (a little bit of) closure.

[soccerrprp]

It's hard to say. On the one hand, it seems like a bit of an overreaction on his part but, on the other hand, such comments can sting even if you're 100% straight and not homophobic.

 

People sometimes assume I'm gay and, while I'm not offended or anything (since, of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay); I do get my feelings hurt a little when it's from a woman who I find attractive and would like to go out with. I don't get angry but it kinda knocks some of the wind out of pursuing her because the comment suggests that she doesn't see me as someone she'd ever end up with (I realize that's not how it's intended but that's how it can make a guy feel).

 

For future reference, I actually don't think there's anything wrong with telling a guy that you thought he was gay as long as it's clearly you're not still wondering and as long as you let him feel secure in pursuing you. Just last weekend I spent the night with someone and afterwards, she told me that she'd thought I was gay when we first met. Clearly it didn't bother me at that point since we'd managed to hook-up anyway so I knew that her belief was not an impedament.

 

Maybe, next time, you might tell a guy, "I actually thought you were gay when we first met. I'm glad you're not." Or anything like that to let him know that you're not writing him off.

 

MalachiX,

 

Here, here, my friend. I can relate. Lol! But, what is sucky is when after having sex, there's still doubt. Nothing to do with the quality of the sex, rather, the notion that even gay guys can sometimes go to the other side and then return to his/her norm sexual orientation and preference. THIS notion is, true, of course. I know men who were married, in a seemingly healthy heterosexual relationship, to later admit that they were gay. Quite ugly endings...

 

Sheesh.