Boyfriend invites his friends to dinners and whatnot?

[lemonlegs]

So, I realize this is a petty issue, so I'm sort of asking this to see if anyone else would feel the same.

 

Generally, I like to go out for dinner with just my boyfriend and I because I like the atmosphere and talking of just two people, and I don't have to socialize with a huge group of people if I simply go out to just eat a meal. If it's a planned event and whatnot, I do not mind at all. SO let me get this straight now - we do plenty of socializing and going out to eat, but if we plan a night to go grab a bite for no particular reason, I usually just enjoy the comfort of it being us two. So in the past, I will be under the impression us two will be going out for a quick bite, when I learn that my boyfriend has invited 4 or 5 of his friends. So what I thought was going to be a quiet, quick meal out turns into a social gathering. And yes, it irritated me.

 

Today is my birthday. His birthday is on Saturday. We have not gone out just for my birthday because this is my last week of classes and I am extremely busy with school work. So, we agreed to combine our birthdays and do the dinner thing, and drinks with friends after. I thought it'd be nice for us two to go out for a nice meal, then meet up with our friends after.

 

I suggest perhaps a lunch might be more convenient because I work until later in the evening, and he inadvertently informs me that he will 'check with everyone else.' Um, pardon? Once again, he has apparently invited all of his friends, which I am NOT okay with because I wanted it to be a birthday celebration with just US TWO because everything else we are doing for it will involve friends and family. Moreover, he failed to mention that he invited his friends... so of course, none of my friends have been invited at all and had this conversation not come up, I wouldn't have known until probably an hour before when he happens to mention that we're meeting up with a hoard of people. He seems to be a bit clueless thinking I have no reason to be upset. Frankly, I'm a little shocked and angry that he doesn't even want to have a dinner with just us... I personally thought it was a given seeing as we were meeting up with friends RIGHT AFTER....

 

would anyone else be a bit upset??

[KatZee]

That's really annoying.

 

I would flat out just be like, "I would prefer to have dinner just the two of us. We can meet up with everyone after we eat."

 

Discussion closed.

 

It seems he's allowed to just make decisions, so I don't get why you can't either. What's even more baffling and obnoxious is that this is YOUR birthday dinner, yet he doesn't even bother inviting YOUR friends.

 

I would somewhat get it if he planned a birthday dinner for you, but that's not even what happened.

[lemonlegs]

That's really annoying.

 

I would flat out just be like, "I would prefer to have dinner just the two of us. We can meet up with everyone after we eat."

 

Discussion closed.

 

It seems he's allowed to just make decisions, so I don't get why you can't either. What's even more baffling and obnoxious is that this is YOUR birthday dinner, yet he doesn't even bother inviting YOUR friends.

 

I would somewhat get it if he planned a birthday dinner for you, but that's not even what happened.

 

Yeah, when you put it like that, my blood began to boil a bit. I'm pretty pissed off. The worst is he doesn't even seem to acknowledge why it's annoying, and instead will think I'm just being an antisocial bitch... story of my life.

[Simon Phoenix]

Have you ever verbalized this to him? Past "I hate it when you invite your friends to dinner"?

[lemonlegs]

Have you ever verbalized this to him? Past "I hate it when you invite your friends to dinner"?

 

Of course. I told him before even getting angry that I would prefer to go out with just him. His response did not even lean towards a compromise. Instead he said something like "I like celebrating with my friends for my birthday." And then went on to say, "I wanted to take you out tonight." AKA "You had your chance for your birthday, so I'm doing what I want for mine."

[2sure]

If I felt like being entertaining with a group...I would send invitations.

 

Nothing that strong of course, but I once had a husband who explained it this way to me:

 

I make many decisions every day but only a few of them are personal choices.

Who I eat dinner with is one of those, and it's important to me.

 

I was exactly like your boyfriend, but I got it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Of course. I told him before even getting angry that I would prefer to go out with just him. His response did not even lean towards a compromise. Instead he said something like "I like celebrating with my friends for my birthday." And then went on to say, "I wanted to take you out tonight." AKA "You had your chance for your birthday, so I'm doing what I want for mine."

 

Well, it sounds like you got yourself a big issue. If he doesn't really have any sympathy toward your view here and isn't willing to compromise, you might not be compatible. Is this the main issue you have with him?

[RogerWallace111]

Could've caught me doing the same sh*t a few years back when I was probably 20-21. This can start to happen when the relationship gets to a comfortable, relatively taken-for-granted stage. It can be easy for one person to think "we see each other constantly, gotta get in the friend time when you can". Which makes some sense but also can lead to your alone time becoming limited to the more mundane stuff (being lazy in the evening after work, doing errands, lying in bed on the weekends). I found that to be the case in my last relationship. I had work, I had social time / "doin' my sh*t" time, and I had the "downtime" with her (which included day trips to the beach, movies, museums but always in a lazy sunday kind of way). My point being that our relationship became more just a part of the "given", day-to-day life routine than a part of the fun, interesting "spice" of life. It's gotta be part of both. Rambling and have lost my train of thought but I think it's all relevant...

 

Not that you should have to, but tread lightly in your confrontation of the issue- I speak from experience when I say guys (or girls I suppose) can get very defensive over these sorts of things and start to get resentful even though they're the ones with the tweaked perspective.

[Star Gazer]

Of course. I told him before even getting angry that I would prefer to go out with just him. His response did not even lean towards a compromise. Instead he said something like "I like celebrating with my friends for my birthday." And then went on to say, "I wanted to take you out tonight." AKA "You had your chance for your birthday, so I'm doing what I want for mine."

 

Is it not okay with you that he do what he wants to do for his birthday? This isn't the "quick, quiet meal" where you like to be just the two of you. It's a birthday celebration.

[veggirl]

If you are taking your man out for his bday then NO he should not be inviting others.

 

If HE is planning a group dinner then that's a different story.

 

My bf is also a life of the party type but the difference is I suggested once lets meet after work for happy hour....and he showed up with coworkers...when we got home I told him I wanted it to be just us and if I suggest something and don't tell him we should invite others then I mean it to be just us. And he agreed and understood.

 

I'm very confused as to why he invited his friends when you guys AGREED to do dinner together (joint bday) and THEN meet up with friends.

[veggirl]

Is it not okay with you that he do what he wants to do for his birthday? This isn't the "quick, quiet meal" where you like to be just the two of you. It's a birthday celebration.

 

 

It's a JOINT bday celebration and they agreed dinner and THEN meeting up with friends. Her bday was a couple days prior and not celebrated so they combined and agreed on dinner and then drinks with friends.

[Eddie Edirol]

If he keeps inviting friends when you go out without telling you, I think you need to have a talk with him as to why he doesnt want to have dinner alone with YOU. get that one out of the way first.

[lemonlegs]

If you are taking your man out for his bday then NO he should not be inviting others.

 

If HE is planning a group dinner then that's a different story.

 

My bf is also a life of the party type but the difference is I suggested once lets meet after work for happy hour....and he showed up with coworkers...when we got home I told him I wanted it to be just us and if I suggest something and don't tell him we should invite others then I mean it to be just us. And he agreed and understood.

 

I'm very confused as to why he invited his friends when you guys AGREED to do dinner together (joint bday) and THEN meet up with friends.

 

I finally spoke to him on the phone and he said it was a "misunderstanding." According to him when I said I would mention it to friends, he thought I meant to both the dinner AND the celebration afterwords. I truly don't see how he misconstrued that, considering our plans were pretty obvious. He said that he intended for our "alone" dinner to be tonight on my actual birthday up until I told him I didn't have time because of school.

 

So, like I said, he basically was under the belief that I missed my chance so he thought Friday could be the 'friend' dinner (apparently this is the norm for his friends, my friends only have huge birthday dinners if they're single... otherwise it's a go out for drinks type deal). I had initially claimed that I didn't care much about doing anything for my birthday (which I really don't), but I guess I just thought most couples just went out for a nice dinner together.