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Something doesn't feel quite right about this guy :(


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Old 26th July 2013, 3:35 PM   #1
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Something doesn't feel quite right about this guy :(

I feel like an idiot.

Ok so we met online (I'm 23; he's 24) . We have been on 5 dates so far. I've dated 5 guys, 2 long-term. He hasn't had a girlfriend before and is a virgin. The first 3 dates went well - it was all fine and I was on a high. However after that I've felt very uneasy around him. In-between dates he'd get very sexual with text messages, but I called him out on it telling him that I don't accept that from him. So he started taking more of a personal (not so sexual) interest in me and I felt better again because he was in more frequent contact with me and it felt like he cared more about me - he asked about my day etc.

The last date I stayed over with his parents and we watched movies. We did get intimate although we did not have full sex. He cooked me dinner. However I feel a distinct lack of emotional closeness now we have spent more time together - something I did not notice on our dates. It's not as if we don't talk about anything - but I don't feel a deeper connection. It's all superficial level connection. I started to share more about myself with him but he doesn't seem particularly keen to know more things about me so it makes me feel incredibly uneasy. Before we said goodbye today he was affectionate with me to a point but I found myself wanting more affection from him than he was giving me. My mood has been down over the past month or so - my friends have noticed that I've lost some my spark/happiness and it's all due to processing this.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know whether it's a case of me laying it all on the line to him how I feel or something else. My friend says I ought to tell him by text that I'm unsure about seeing him again, just to see if he's into me enough to fight against it or to ask me why. But that feels like game play. What should I do?
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Old 26th July 2013, 3:55 PM   #2
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Trust your feelings. If you feel like something is off then all you can do is trust it. Talk to him about what you said here, as his lack of experience could be the reason he is holding back some.

You're right, that is playing games. Explain to him what you need and if he wants to make it work, good. If not, then you know and can cut ties.
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Old 26th July 2013, 4:08 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Philosoraptor View Post
Explain to him what you need and if he wants to make it work, good. If not, then you know and can cut ties.
Yeah I'm scared. But you're right. I need to do that. And I see how presenting it in terms of my needs puts it on neutral ground but also puts across what I wish to convey. It is soo hard. I would get him on the phone to talk about this but he's difficult on the phone and seems to only want it to make plans, and not to chat or anything.
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Old 26th July 2013, 4:21 PM   #4
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Sometimes things just don't click. You cannot fake closeness and connection. Just tell him you don't feel like you are a good match. There is no point playing a game trying to evoke a reaction or emotion from him. It's not going to work.
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Old 26th July 2013, 8:01 PM   #5
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You can either carry on dating him and see if you feel any different in time (without mentioning anything to him to avoid awkwardness) or - you can be upfront with him about how you're feeling. Although if you've a pretty strong gut instinct, I'd go with that.
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Old 26th July 2013, 8:35 PM   #6
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Thanks. I could continue dating him and not raising how I feel but I know myself I could not do that because my emotions would be written all over my face - my discomfort would be obvious. I cannot date someone with feelings that haven't been articulated. It means you're not dating in a honest way, and really I should have raised my concerns with him earlier.

Well I raised the issue with him. I couldn't resist because I needed to get it off my chest that I felt uneasy around him. So I told him that I enjoy his company, feel physically attracted to him but that I don't feel a strong emotional connection or that he's really into me in a romantic way. He said he feels the same thing. He still wants to meet me for another date to see if one can build slowly. But I'm not so sure. I'm not convinced that one date is going to u-turn anything, it may put him in control of ending it, he might have only said that to buy time to think, and he might be sticking around to see if he can get sex out of me. If he's sticking around to see what he can get, and I have already told him that I won't have sex with him unless a connection develops, I doubt he has the patience to do that.

I could tell that he was buying time in general because at the end of the date, we did still kiss but he said "I'll call you or text you". He didn't try to set up another date like he had done during previous dates, and I felt like during our last date, I was the one initiating affection which made me feel super crappy.

There are other things that are suspect too. I did make a few mistakes along the way (well let's say I got carried away with infatuation and he might have done too). I told him on the second date that I'd only consider sleeping with a guy if he was a boyfriend. By that I didn't mean the title of boyfriend, I meant a real relationship that even going slow, would be starting to develop. But suddenly on date 3, he asks me to be his girlfriend. I think "hmm". I asked him a few days later if he feels like my boyfriend and he says "not fully yet" which struck me as at least an amber flag. Then to test him, before our last date, I told him that I feel like I like him enough to consider him a boyfriend. He said "Sure. I assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I told my sister that I have a girlfriend now". Now only 3 or 4 days later, I ask him directly for his thoughts, and he tells me that he's unsure about me. Why call me his girlfriend then? I think the answer is staring me in the face.

What do you guys think?
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Old 26th July 2013, 9:03 PM   #7
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It seems like you want someone more experience in dating than you...This guy clearly is not that's why you are uncomfortable. His lack of questions and meaningful communications means that he's pretty shy and insecure.
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Old 27th July 2013, 5:57 AM   #8
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It seems like you want someone more experience in dating than you...This guy clearly is not that's why you are uncomfortable. His lack of questions and meaningful communications means that he's pretty shy and insecure.
Yeah and that could cause problems down the line. Because whilst I don't mind doing some of lifting myself and bringing it out of him, I don't really feel that it'd be a good thing for me to have to do that all the time. On our dates, he was still trying to sell himself to me but it wasn't a lot of him asking me deeper things and knowing how to create something deeper so it's created this fundamental disconnect. He said something else funny. I tried to get him to confide more in me and he said something about "asking the right questions". That does sound shady but it could be that he isn't skilled in confiding in other people - he seems to feel a lot without bringing it to the surface, and it only comes up when I ask him directly. I feel like it might be better to date someone with more strength of character.
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Old 27th July 2013, 4:05 PM   #9
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hmmm,,,,, so you barelly know the dude but jet you are at his house,
and doing sexual stuff???????

from the first date you can already see what the person intentions are.
this guy showed you right away that his intentions are to hit your va ya ya.

but you did not leave you told him to stop he changed his words but i guess his intentions stayed the same , so once he got the change to do some of it like most guys that are there just to sleep with the girl, he lost interest in you.

thats why you as a woman should wait as long as possible to give yourself away to a guy especially sexually. because once that is involved alot can change, and a lot can go wrong.
men often loose interest in a girl after sex, especially if you where easy to get.

move on and learn from it.
Well I don't think I was that easy to get. I waited until the 5th date to get a little intimate with him but I do realise that I should have been a bit more consistent and followed through more with my words. And yeah he was playing me. I realise that now. I called him today and called it off myself so at least I pulled the trigger myself rather than let him play me more. He only started sexually escalating after the second date (which I suppose is still too soon) so it's not as obvious as you might think. Yeah I've learnt my lesson from it. I'm glad I did not let myself get more intimate with him.
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Old 27th July 2013, 4:11 PM   #10
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He might not be very good at sharing his own feelings unprompted. Or asking you to share your feelings. Part and parcel of being inexperienced.

He's probably a loser. Just cut him loose. No sense in sinking with him...
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Old 27th July 2013, 5:36 PM   #11
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Yeah I'm scared. But you're right. I need to do that. And I see how presenting it in terms of my needs puts it on neutral ground but also puts across what I wish to convey. It is soo hard. I would get him on the phone to talk about this but he's difficult on the phone and seems to only want it to make plans, and not to chat or anything.
It could simply be how he is, virgin or not. Some people are just like that.

I am technically a virgin (having never had traditional intercourse but having been involved in peripheral acts), and I don't think I'll really act any differently once I've had intercourse or anything close to intercourse with someone. It's just something nice that will happen when everything else is good, just another way to connect with someone else where we can both let loose and enjoy ourselves.

I would personally PREFER to wait a bit.. But not too long, IF we're already intent on dating each other, I don't really see the point of stamping dates on things. Best to let it flow naturally..

But if it's a mutual acquaintance/borderline friend which I'd like to take further, I wouldn't mind taking my time (several weeks to several months) with getting to know the person. At that point, I find it much easier to be more comfortable and direct and they usually respond well.
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Old 27th July 2013, 5:42 PM   #12
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That's what dating is - spending time with them and finding out if you're a good fit. You found out you weren't. Simple as that.
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Old 27th July 2013, 6:05 PM   #13
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It seems pretty plain. You are not into him and he is not into you. Not intuitively. You say you are physically attracted to him but not otherwise into him because, well he does not seem to be into you. It would appear that either he isn't in to you physically or psychologically. However, I suspect that he may be pushing the agenda because the experience is relatively novel for him. Has he had that many female partners prior to you?

Sometimes it can be tempting to just go with something to see where, if anywhere it might go, even if you realise that there is isn't that intrinsic attraction. However, in reality, it is just an exercise in spinning your wheels because you instinctively know that it isn't going anywhere, ever.

Personally, I would prefer to cut ties early rather than maybe give the impression that there might be something more substantial to it than there ever is likely to be. Less confusion, less angst, less distress.

However, in principle, I can't see why people can't be friends, even on an intimate basis if they both know that is what is happening, that is what they are happy with, for however long it might last. Friendship and relationships can take a myriad of different forms. I can't see why there have to be rules about it. All that matters is that the two people involved, communicate with one another and it quite clear to both what isn't happening as much as what is happening.

For you, however, in this case and with your moral rule set, it doesn't sound as if this has legs and frankly your intuition that something is not right is just your instinct telling you that what is evolving is not to your personal taste.
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Old 27th July 2013, 6:47 PM   #14
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If you feel something is off, it probably is; your intuitions are a tell-tale sign even though the clues are not that visible for you to see.

I wouldn't believe that he is a virgin especially with his tendency to be so direct with sex. My boyfriend was a virgin and it took us half a month and an addition week for us to become sexual, and that was after we became official and dating.

My guess is that he used the virgin card to get you to put down your walls and restrictions. But still, listen to your intuitions. Sometimes forcing a thing to work out when it's really not, is really just jumping head first into a bottomless lake.
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