Jump to content

Is his lying MY fault?! Feeling guilty.


shania_k

Recommended Posts

I am feeling really awful.

 

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 3 years and I love him with all my heart. He always treats me like a princess even when I'm having a rough time.

 

 

My past long term relationship was rocky. Lots of lying and dishonesty. We were young ( starting dating in highschool, I was 15) and probably should have ended things after high school, but we didn't and 5 years later we both ended up with lots of trust issues and It took me a long time to want to date again. 2 years later I met my current boyfriend and he changed my outlook on relationships. I'm 24 now.

 

While this relationship is healthier than my last, I feel like my trust issues resurface from time to time and it is extremely damaging. I have a hard time when my boyfriend goes out with the guys or out drinking ( mainly because this is when bad things and lies happened with my ex). As a result I have a hard time falling asleep until I know he's home or I have a bad habit of texting him quite a bit while he is out. He always reassures me of where he is and when he'll be home. I feel so guilty because I know he shouldn't have to tell me these things. He hasn't ever given me a reason not to trust him until recently. And I am feeling guilty because I know its partially my fault.

 

Twice now, he has either been out late with friends and told me he was "home and going to bed", or that he's "home from work and going to sleep". Both times I had that nagging feeling like I was being lied to. After 3 years I can kind of pick up on when slight behaviours are out of the ordinary. He usually wants to catch up on the day , but these 2 nights he wanted to go to sleep immediately and gave me the biggest sweetest "I love you's". The first time I went to bed and I still can't prove he lied. But I know he did. The second time, I had the same feeling and I trusted my gut and went by his house. He wasn't home. And I called him to let him know that I knew.

 

 

I wasn't angry. I was hurt. Upset. He told me he knows that I have a hard time falling asleep when he goes out, and that he didn't want me to wait up- text him a million times, or ask a bunch of questions. He was only at a friends place for a beer. He showed me the texts to prove so.

 

I explained that lying to me, isn't the right thing to do. And it's not fair to me. I'm so brutally honest with him. He felt so bad and also explained that he was simply avoiding conflict.

 

How am I supposed to let go of my fear of being lied to? Was he right to lie to me? Is it my fault? I know lying to someone you love is never OK. Regardless of hurting someones feelings I feel like he should have told me where he was going, and he could have talked to me about how I was making him feel. Should I be angry with him? He says he is happy with me and loves me more than anything. I cannot be lied to again, It will break my heart to leave him But i promised myself I wouldnt be treated that way again.

 

What do I do .

 

Feeling down.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Philosoraptor

He wasn't right to lie to you, but you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on him. You seem to have come into this relationship with a lot of baggage and you put it on him. If you never had a reason not to trust him, yet kept putting pressure on him, and that could affect his judgement. His lies aren't excuseable though.

 

You should talk to him about why you have been so untrusting and ask him about how he has been feeling. Many people are not comfortable opening about how they are feeling, so you may need to start the dialogue.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I know the lying wasnt right.

 

How to I make it clear that lying to me is not acceptable? Without sounding like im punishing him. I'm not angry at him, I'm a little saddened and disappointed but I do know that had I been relaxed and care free about him being out , that it wouldnt have happened. I need him to know that I will work on loosening up and not asking a million questions while he's out, But he's got to promise that it will never happen again. I feel like if he works with me on this, that I can finally banish my anxiety for good. But I need his help - not for him to become defensive.

Link to post
Share on other sites
hoping2heal

I agree with the above poster that lying is not okay for him to do, but you are putting way too much pressure on this guy. That doesn't mean it's your fault that he lied. It's his fault that he lied but he sounds backed into a corner and I can totally understand why. When he goes out he should by all accounts be able to have a fun and carefree time with his friends but your behavior does not allow for that. Instead he has to worry that you're sitting up worrying and contend with your many text messages.

 

Sounds like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place; needing very badly to go out and have his own free time and socialization that is completely separate from you, and trying to manage your reaction to it. I realize that these trust issues make it difficult but you are really making it hard for this guy and he may be tolerating it now but sooner or later it's going to wear him down. He'll become exhausted that in order to go out he has to endure the heavy emotional baggage you place on him. Not to mention, it's not showing any respect for his personal space or needs.

 

It may be the first urge to try and micro-manage someone but it doesn't work. This guy isn't your ex-boyfriend, he is an entirely new person. You can either decide to trust that he's with you faithfully and loves you or smother him right out of the relationship. Things won't continue smoothly on the course you're on though. The lying wasn't okay but it does sound like he was just at his wit's end and not lying because it's in character for him or he's up to no good. Time to give him some respect in this relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Texting someone constantly when they are trying to have a good time with their friends is a sure way to keep them on edge and ruin their evening. Especially if you're saying stuff like "When are you going to be home?" His lying isn't your fault, but you aren't really giving him a whole lot of incentive to tell you the truth.

 

My ex wife did the exact same thing that you are talking about here- during that marriage I don't think that I enjoyed a single night out with my friends and there weren't many of them. You sound very controlling and insecure. If he were posting this issue from his point of view, honestly I'd tell him to bail. Or at least to turn off his damn phone so he didn't have to deal with electronic nagging.

 

I don't know how you get over that- other than just do it. See a shrink if you think that it will help. The lies aren't your doing, but you have definite issues with trust and it sounds like you're smothering this poor guy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Philosoraptor
I know the lying wasnt right.

 

How to I make it clear that lying to me is not acceptable? Without sounding like im punishing him. I'm not angry at him, I'm a little saddened and disappointed but I do know that had I been relaxed and care free about him being out , that it wouldnt have happened. I need him to know that I will work on loosening up and not asking a million questions while he's out, But he's got to promise that it will never happen again. I feel like if he works with me on this, that I can finally banish my anxiety for good. But I need his help - not for him to become defensive.

Why don't you take the lead here? You seem overly focused on his lies and not focused on all the pressure you put on him for all the time before any of this happens.

 

Why not start by explaining to him why you put so much pressure on him and that you'll work on giving him the benefit of the doubt? Then ask him why he felt like he needed to lie. Follow that by setting up some sort of compromise. Like he tells you where he's going then lets you know once he's made it home?

Link to post
Share on other sites
He told me he knows that I have a hard time falling asleep when he goes out, and that he didn't want me to wait up- text him a million times, or ask a bunch of questions. He was only at a friends place for a beer. He showed me the texts to prove so.

Sounds like your bf realizes you have trust issues and are a bit jealous when he's out and you're not with him.

 

Though I don't advocate lying, I can see why he chose to do so.

 

Tell her I'm out having a beer with a buddy or home asleep? Which one doesn't blow my phone up because she can't stand it when I'm not paying attention to her?

Link to post
Share on other sites

"and I still can't prove he lied. But I know he did."

 

That's a big red flag from you. Take a moment to think about how paranoid that sounds. Heck, say it out loud and you'll be like whoah.

 

If he eventually did lie to you, it's because you pushed him to do it. I'm not saying that makes it ok to lie, but the pressure you put on him left him no alternative.

 

You just gotta learn to trust him. He doesn't seem like he would cheat on you. But evetually he'll be fed up of you checking on him all the time. It's hard for us guys to be put on the stand when you haven't done anything wrong. This could lead to an "I might as well do some crazy ****" attidute from him, or he'll just get sick of it and call it quits. Don't let that happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Get your issues in check. The man will only have so much patience with your paranoia before it drains the piss out of him and he leaves. One can only be understanding for so long. You're slowly killing the relationship.

 

With the pressure you place on him, he probably doesn't know how to best cope so he fibs to keep you stable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
serial muse
I know the lying wasnt right.

 

How to I make it clear that lying to me is not acceptable? Without sounding like im punishing him. I'm not angry at him, I'm a little saddened and disappointed but I do know that had I been relaxed and care free about him being out , that it wouldnt have happened. I need him to know that I will work on loosening up and not asking a million questions while he's out, But he's got to promise that it will never happen again. I feel like if he works with me on this, that I can finally banish my anxiety for good. But I need his help - not for him to become defensive.

 

I agree with Philosoraptor on all points....the lying isn't OK, but you are creating a pretty negative situation. I had some triggers from a past relationship too, in which I was cheated on, and it hasn't been easy dealing with that, so I really do understand where you're coming from. And having an understanding partner is really important and helpful. But you have to be willing to set boundaries for yourself, too.

 

I just want to highlight your own words to you here:

 

I need him to know that I will work on loosening up and not asking a million questions while he's out, But he's got to promise that it will never happen again.

 

In short, you're asking him to make a firm promise but you're not really willing to do the same. I understand that - you can't control a panic attack - but it's a bit unfair to expect perfection from him in that case. Understanding is going to work a lot better. That's why I also agree with Philosoraptor's point that maybe the way to approach this is to open a new dialogue that puts your willingness to review your behavior and make changes in the spotlight as much as your need for him to behave differently. Otherwise, it just isn't fair.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As a man, I would do everything possible to secure my woman's thoughts. If she has trust issues, I will help her unwind them. I would stop going to bars and hanging out late at night for the time being so that my woman can develop trust in me. I would take up harmless activities so that my woman knows I can behave well when she is not around. I would play sports with my buddies so it's both fun, and assuring to my woman. Once the trust is fully established, I would take her along with my buddies to show that we can go out, have fun, and no one is tempted to fool around. When she is ready, then I will go on my own with my buddies, and keep reassuring her that I'm just having fun with the dudes.

 

That's what I would do. This trust thing takes time. If he truly loves you and respects your thought processes, he should make an effort to secure your thoughts. Lying makes it so much worse...and now you have one more thing to worry about. *sigh*

Link to post
Share on other sites
Philosoraptor
As a man, I would do everything possible to secure my woman's thoughts. If she has trust issues, I will help her unwind them. I would stop going to bars and hanging out late at night for the time being so that my woman can develop trust in me. I would take up harmless activities so that my woman knows I can behave well when she is not around. I would play sports with my buddies so it's both fun, and assuring to my woman. Once the trust is fully established, I would take her along with my buddies to show that we can go out, have fun, and no one is tempted to fool around. When she is ready, then I will go on my own with my buddies, and keep reassuring her that I'm just having fun with the dudes.

 

That's what I would do. This trust thing takes time. If he truly loves you and respects your thought processes, he should make an effort to secure your thoughts. Lying makes it so much worse...and now you have one more thing to worry about. *sigh*

 

You can't change your life in order to appease someone. I'm all for gaining trust and working as a team, but there was no clean slate here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
hoping2heal

This trust thing takes time. If he truly loves you and respects your thought processes, he should make an effort to secure your thoughts. Lying makes it so much worse...and now you have one more thing to worry about. *sigh*

 

OP, Lying when someone has trust issues does make it worse but I think the fact that he resorted to lying demonstrates the cracks that are beginning to show in the foundation as a result of all that pressure, not necessarily because he's just a straight out liar.

 

You can only tense the wire so long before it breaks. Just because you have been cheated on is not an excuse to behave the way you have been with this man. If you want to keep this relationship happy and healthy then he needs to be allowed to have fun, to go out, and not have to constantly think of your issue and let's be clear it is your issue. Your boyfriend didn't cheat on you, this is your hangup from being cheated on. You smother the fire and eventually the flame goes out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

I have been in your boyfriend's shoes. I wasn't able to enjoy time alone with my friends because my now-ex was constantly fretting and checking in. It made me feel anxious, miserable and painted into a corner. It's extremely frustrating and controlling. Before you come down so hard on him, take a good long look at yourself. You ARE punishing him because you're projecting your own past problems on to him.

 

No, he shouldn't have lied to you. But I can understand where he's coming from.I felt I had to do it myself a couple times just avoid a nagging, needy, clingy disaster. It also eventually lead to the end of the relationship. How do you react when he's out and doesn't text back or call within a certain amount of time? Do you get stressed/panicked and take it out on him?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...