l2hvn Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 when a guy says he needs time for himself, does it mean that the relationship is over? or does he just need a break? Link to post Share on other sites
almostANangel Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 "Time by myself", if he is a shy, honest guy probably means he has strong feelings that he needs to sort out, but will return in a couple of weeks. If he is a more loud, outgoing guy, it probably means he wants time to play the field. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Time by myself means that the relationship is over. He did not want to hurt you, so he used that weak line. Link to post Share on other sites
Author l2hvn Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 he's a shy, honest, independent guy. i've been with him for more than 3mos and things have been going well until the last couple of weeks. im under a lot of stress (emotional, mental, and physical), and he's been preoccupied w/ his fishing. he's dedicated to that hobby. so we haven't been spending a lot of quality time together. i just feel so depressed right now. and i cry every night before i go to sleep. and i cry when i wake up. i need him now more than ever. but he can't even be there for me. i really have strong feelings for him and haven't liked anyone else for a very long time. we were supposed to meet up yesterday, planned a nice dinner. but he didn't even bother to call and tell me that he couldn't make it. i called him like 5x and he never returned any of my calls. so i called him at work today. i asked him what happened yesterday. he said he's "just been very busy (w/ fishing tournaments) " and i said, "you can't even call me for like 2mins and tell me you can't make it? you just disappeared and left me hanging." he was just quiet. and i said, "you don't even seem apologetic." that's when he said "i'm sorry." then he said, "i've been really busy. i have my own thing. you have your own thing." (you may recognize i've posted before about my dad having a cancer that i just found out last week).... then he said, "i just need time for myself." then he goes, "i don't know what you want." i don't exactly know what he means by that. he kept saying i "kept wanting more". im really confused. so i asked if we could talk about it tonite. he said he'll "try to give me a call." i doubt he will call. i am so sad right now because i feel like right when i need him the most for his support and encouragement, i feel like he's abandoning me. i feel neglected. he'd rather be preoccupied w/ fishing more than helping me, being there for me for moral support. but then i keep thinking, maybe he just really needs some time for himself to sort things through. he's a very independent guy, so im thinking the least thing he would want right now is to be aggravated by my whinings and complaints about my problems. afterall, i am not the only one who has problems. i've cried so much the past week or so. by my dad's cancer and by my bf's lack of attention to me. i feel so alone and neglected. sometimes i wish that i never existed on this earth. sometimes i wish that it was me who has cancer so my dad doesn't have to suffer. he's an honest, hardworking man. and i've been a selfish person. but being w/ my bf makes me happy. and he's not giving me that time right now.... and it really breaks my heart... i don't know how to feel other than being terribly sad and highly depressed.... i've lost about 4lbs within the last two weeks. i haven't been eating well. i can't eat. i don't have the appetite nor the energy. and i try to keep myself busy by going to the gym a lot.. but at the end of the day, i still keep thinking about him.. and how things used to be. and why all of a sudden, our relationship has come to a halt. what should i do? should i wait for him to call? or should i call him instead? this uncertainty is driving me insane. if he wants it to end, why can't he say it so? if that's what he wants, then that's what i'll give. but i'll need closure. now.. i can't wait another day or two. or a week or two... i can't.... it's already driving me insane and i can't go to sleep at night. i can't eat... all i do is cry..... if not because of my dad, it's because of him......... i don't deserve this. i've been a good gf. i tried to be... but he thinks i keep wanting more. i don't understand. i've never demanded anything more than just being w/ him..... i never told him to NOT do things. does he still want to be w/ me? or not???? help.... im so lost and confused....... Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 I do not think what type of a guy he is has any effect on what he said. Needing "time to be alone" is almost always an end to the relationship. If you are confused as to what he said, the only thing you can do is bluntly ask him his intentions. "Yes" or "No" questions work best. Be sure to get a full explanation that cannot be misinterpreted, and be sure that you understand him completely in his words. You will be confused until you talk with him and get the answers you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author l2hvn Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 thanks, faux.... that's what i think to. and that's why this kills me... i don't even know when i'll get a chance to talk to him..... i don't even know if he will ever call me.... it sounds like he's trying to avoid any confrontation.... i just needed to talk things through. i just needed to get some answers... how long should i wait before i call him if he doesn't call me soon? i really need a closure asap so i can move on w/ my life... i don't want to wait any longer....... Link to post Share on other sites
lovinlife2 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Be careful...you do need to know exactly what he wants. His request is a buy for time for something. Any good relationship is based upon trust and communication. He clearly is not doing so hot on the communication side...I can't support the man on that. It is healthy for him to have a hobby, and fishing is a good one, but a relationship is only a relationship where there is time shared. This is where I say take care of yourself. Not to play games, but if he is going to preoccupy himself with things that he enjoys, unfortunately that is not including time with you, then you need to focus on you. Do things that you enjoy doing. If he wont call or answer, then I'm sorry, he deserves his space and all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
almostANangel Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 It sounds to me like you are in a very emotionally weak point right now. I would be very careful putting all your faith into a relationship that is very young. If he is not there for you now, what if things get worse with your father? Do you think he will be more or less available for support? I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you are setting yourself up to self-destruct. A few years back, I was with a guy that was a lot younger than me. I also was going through a lot of changes and I was very emotionally weak. When the relationship went terribly wrong, I became suicidal and very self destructive (physically). It was one of the most difficult times of my life, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I am telling you this because we, too, were together for 3 months and I had put everything in my soul into the relationship and lost. Please be careful. You sound like you are putting more into this relationship than you can afford to lose (emotionally). Remember, also, you ALWAYS have support here. Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 That is one of the Top 10 lines used when breaking up with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 should i wait for him to call? or should i call him instead? I don't think you should do either. this uncertainty is driving me insane. I don't think there is any uncertainty here--I disagree with the other poster who said he is not communicating with you. He is speaking loud and clear: he stood you up and did not bother to call, then he said: "i've been really busy. i have my own thing. you have your own thing." then he said, "i just need time for myself." then he goes, "i don't know what you want." i don't exactly know what he means by that. he kept saying i "kept wanting more". im really confused. so i asked if we could talk about it tonite. he said he'll "try to give me a call." I don't know what you are still so confused about. If you want him to spell it out for you, then keep on bugging him, but I don't think this is necessary. You are dealing with the end of a three month relationship, a relationship which, based on his words above, seemed to be a lot of work for him. Three months is not a very long time. IMO, he doesn't owe you hours and hours on the phone hashing and rehashing things out. He sounds like he has tried to make you happy (in his own way), but he does not feel that is enough for you. Hence, he needs time alone. "Alone" means away from you. Hence, don't expect a call tonight. but i'll need closure. now.. i can't wait another day or two. or a week or two... i can't.... it's already driving me insane and i can't go to sleep at night. i can't eat... all i do is cry..... if not because of my dad, it's because of him......... I'm giving you closure right now--move on. Reread the above of what he has done and said. If you are still confused about what he wants, reread it again. i don't deserve this. i've been a good gf. In your view. i tried to be... but he thinks i keep wanting more. i don't understand. i've never demanded anything more than just being w/ him..... i never told him to NOT do things. Well, he didn't come up with this stuff out of the clear blue, did he? does he still want to be w/ me? or not???? Survey says...no. And P.S.... we were supposed to meet up yesterday, planned a nice dinner. but he didn't even bother to call and tell me that he couldn't make it. i called him like 5x and he never returned any of my calls. so i called him at work today. For future reference, never do this again. If you have a date with someone and they do not show up or call within a reasonable time, go out with your friends or by yourself and do something else. Do not incessantly call them to find out why they are not there--if they haven't called or come by, then obviously they don't care what you think of them. (5 calls in a night...a call the next day at work...this would drive anyone insane.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author l2hvn Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 i am so depressed. i want to stop from crying, but it just keeps on flowing. i miss him so much. and at the same time, i feel so depressed about my dad. some days, i wish to just die. to just disappear.... nobody cares..... nobody understands... Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I take it verbatim - I need time by myself and when and if I figure it out I'll call you - please don't call me. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Yup, I agree. "I need time alone" is the spineless person's way of breaking up. It's used by men and women alike. The real meaning is "I'm ripping your heart out and am going to step on it a few times for good measure. But it sure felt better to me to use this little piece of bulls**t to sugar-coat the news for you." Link to post Share on other sites
neptoon Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I don't know about the "time by myself" line but I know that if he can't be there for you at such a difficult time in your life, then he isn't even a good friend. It's easy to have people around when times are good but when times are bad, you see who your real friends are. A real friend would be there for you, not to mention a boyfriend. He's not a good partner...for you or for anyone, for that matter. He's unable to support and be a good friend. If he'll do this to you, it shows his lack of maturity. Out of curiosity, how were things before you found out your dad had cancer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author l2hvn Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 that's why it kills me to know that the person i deeply care about does not care as much as i thought he does. the thing is, i wrote him an email last thursday nite, telling him how i've been feeling and what i've been going through. i asked him for his patience and understanding. that i need him now more than ever.. that i just want him to be there for me. that i need his shoulder to lean on to. that's what a bf's supposed to do at times like this. that's what a friend's supposed to do. just being there... to listen... to give support.... he never replied back or called back. so i called that friday. he said he wasn't mad. we planned on getting together sunday nite for a nice dinner. he never called. never bothered. so i called him monday. and that's when we had that short "talk." we haven't talked since then. thing is, he did this to me before.. no contact for about 7-10 days. this was about early on in the relationship, about 4 weeks into it. we didn't talk. then we finally talked. he then told me that he was just confused and needed to think things through (it was about something that i said). he then told me that he wanted to be w/ me.... and now, this happened. again. the past few weeks, we hardly spend time together anymore. we used to spend a lot of weekends together. but ever since the fishing season started, that's what all he has been doing. the little time he had left, he would TRY to squeeze some w/ me. but oftentimes, he'd be too tired and just wanted to be alone. or stay home. i wasn't happy the past few weeks b/c we hardly spend quality time together anymore. but i was too scared to admit it. and too scared at the thought of not being w/ him anymore. i thought about breaking it off w/ him before this happened. but i didn't have the guts to do it because i have fallen so hard for him (he doesn't know about how i really feel about him). i was willing to be patient. i was even supportive about his dedication and commitment to his hobby. it breaks my heart to know that the person i love does not care about me. he can't even be a friend. i have stayed (and chose to be) single for a long period of time. i lost trust in guys. i lost faith in love. but when i met him, i was instantly smitten. he was so much different from the guys i've met before.. and sometimes, i kick myself for choosing to fall for him... i want to regret falling for him... but... it's all been done... Link to post Share on other sites
neptoon Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I hear ya, sister. I've been there and I know what you're feeling ... it's a feeling of complete and utter loneliness. I know because I was going out with this guy who cheated on me the night I was in the hospital while my father died of a stroke. My dad was in a hospital in another town because he had the stroke while he was out of town. We were going out for 4 years already at the time. I could've sworn up and down he cared about me. He said he could not be there and said he had to work. I later found out through someone else that he slept with this girl that night. He thought it was more important that he party up and get laid. I'm not saying that's the case with your dude ... I'm just saying that you're not alone in your experience of feeling alone. I eventually walked away with no regrets and I've never looked back -- I know with certainty that that man was garbage, as a friend and as a partner. The lesson I learned from it: to be strong and independent for myself. Be strong for yourself. I know it hurts like hell ... believe me, I know. Savor this hurt and remember it and learn from it. Never forget this moment because when a good guy comes along (and you might not think so now, but a good guy will), you appreciate him more. Use this moment and your hurt to build your life and skills to be independent. Know that regardless of what life throws at you, you are able to take it and you WILL walk with your head high because you are strong. Know that if you are with anyone, it's not because you "need" to be there because of any surrounding situations -- know that you are there because you CHOOSE to be. And never forget, with each dark moment we face in our lives, there is a priceless lesson to be learned from it that makes us stronger and better individuals. Hold your head high and don't give up on yourself. You are worth more than you believe yourself to be. And don't let this guy back in your life, regardless of how much he calls or pleads. Never forget what you've learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author l2hvn Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 thanks, neptoon, for all of your words of wisdom and support and encouragement. i don't even know you. but you definitely made me feel better. im glad to know im not the only one who's in this dilemma. i left some things in his place that i really need. i want them back. my plan is to call him and pick it up on wednesday (when i get back in town). that would've been day 10 of no contact... i don't have any hidden agendas. i don't want him back. not anymore... when it's over, it's over. i don't look back.... any advice?????? Link to post Share on other sites
lovinlife2 Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 just maintain your poise...the only person that is true to you is yourself...so do not let yourself down. I belive the same...never look back when going forward..you may miss a step again. Link to post Share on other sites
Tootrustingguy Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 As harsh as some of the advice sounds on this forum, it's right. Best thing you can do is pick yourself up and get on with your life. It's very difficult but it can be done...and it's done by many many people just like you in the same type of predicament. Try to focus on things that you can help...not the things you can not. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleMonkey Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 Word of advice hun.... "Don't make someone(anyone) a priority if they treat you like an option...." You can't let a breakup bring you down...I've been going thorugh this exact situation for the past month..and out of my selfishness over the breakup I've caused other problems that I didn't even notice because I was so caught up in my own hurt...We love but sometimes we just have to let people go..and I know thats easier said than done...but its the truth....A lot of guys have a major problem commiting to a girl or to anything for that matter..my bf broke up with me on the account that he can't handle a steady relationship right now...he told me that I need to think about how my life will be affected by our relationship in the long run...I have a problem understanding guys sometimes..its amazing how one day their completely in love with you and the next day their tired of you...All I have to say is that you should talk to him..understand his feelings...even if your not completely confortable with being that open with him...tell him you need to know what exactly he wants and why he wants it... ~Amber Link to post Share on other sites
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