ja123 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Hi everyone, This guy invited me to hang-out to attend an outdoor music festival. I thought it was just to be friends, but when he showed up in a tie and then took me to dinner (I thought we'd just stop for hotdogs) and insisted on paying, then I knew it was a date. He got a bit fresh with me, and I responded. It was nice to be kissed. Anyhow, we're supposed to see one another this weekend. But we've since talked on the phone several times and he always mentions money. For instance, the reason he quit smoking was because the price of cigarettes went up. Then, in general conversation about hobbies, he said that he stopped his firearm training because joining the shooting range would be too expensive. When I asked him if he'd ever been horseback riding, he said no but that it sounds expensive. (I told him it would be no more expensive than the meal he took me to the other night.) He also said he cut his internet and cable to reduce expenses. There are many more examples, but it comes up several times in every call. This is a man who's had the same job for over 10 years, and owns his car, and house (mortgage). I do not know his financial situation, but my general impression is that he is scared of "lacking" and this puts him in a negative relationship towards money. He definitely seems bearish. As for me, I'm much more bullish. Instead of looking at what I might lack and being fearful to desperately hang-on to it, I'm thinking of ways to increase my revenue (not just reduce expenses.) Anyhow, I've started to feel uncomfortable with this guy. I have never heard someone mention money as much as he. I'm writing to you, Love Shackers, because I'd like to get your feedback on what this could mean? In terms of his outlook/motivations, and also in terms of our compatibility. His kisses and touch make me melt, but I'm starting to think that we're not a match. Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 He's tight with a buck at worst, he's probably just a good saver. He will spend money on things that interest him. But if it's not necessary, he's not paying for it. Expect to find more and more men like this the older you get. I wouldn't not go out with him for it; he has what he has because he is this way! It's only a problem if dude wouldn't lend you a dime for a phone call 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 It's only a problem if dude wouldn't lend you a dime for a phone call HaHa I like that. Well, I'll have to see if he is generous enough with me to lend me a dime! So far, he paid for dinner, and I offered to pay my half. This weekend, I said that I would pay for dinner. Why do you say that more men are like this with age? (He's late 30s, and I'm early 40s) Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Sounds like he is uncomfortable with his financial situation and he puts a lot of emphasis on monetary security. I'd say that unless you can talk to him about this, long term potential may be damaged as he may be unable to attend certain outings due to his financial worries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Also, you say that he has what he has because he is this way (i.e. a saver), and, honestly, I respect that. However, what is the need to mention money so often to someone you are just getting to know? One can still save and not talk about it so incessantly. To me it seems that he's fearful: and fear can block abundance. I really wonder why he is so fixated on "lack". Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 HaHa I like that. Well, I'll have to see if he is generous enough with me to lend me a dime! So far, he paid for dinner, and I offered to pay my half. This weekend, I said that I would pay for dinner. Why do you say that more men are like this with age? (He's late 30s, and I'm early 40s) Often, it's a product of what they've been thru - the ex draining them or whatever. Just my experience. Others are just brought up that way. I'd MUCH rather a guy mention how he saves money than blabber on about how much he dropped at the country club, or what he spent on his Beemer, or whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Also, you say that he has what he has because he is this way (i.e. a saver), and, honestly, I respect that. However, what is the need to mention money so often to someone you are just getting to know? One can still save and not talk about it so incessantly. To me it seems that he's fearful: and fear can block abundance. I really wonder why he is so fixated on "lack". Hmmm, give it another date and see. People also fixate on things after they've been thru a bad dating wringer - maybe he went out with a golddigger or two? Anyway, maybe he'll let up when he realizes you're financially independent (if that's the case). Otherwise, constantly talking about money is just a bad personality defect, and a turnoff. Link to post Share on other sites
crude Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 HaHa I like that. Well, I'll have to see if he is generous enough with me to lend me a dime! So far, he paid for dinner, and I offered to pay my half. This weekend, I said that I would pay for dinner. That's always the right way to go as far as I'm concerned. It sounds to me like he's a boring conversationalist and he'll end up losing you over his endless woe is me money talk. Just tell him you get it, he's worried about money, you're not planning to drain him of what he has, and let's talk about more interesting things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Well put, crude! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Sounds like he is uncomfortable with his financial situation and he puts a lot of emphasis on monetary security. I'd say that unless you can talk to him about this, long term potential may be damaged as he may be unable to attend certain outings due to his financial worries. I do get the impression that his worries (his perspective on money) is creating his situation of "lack". Yes, he may not want to participate in different outings, and that's his right. I'm concerned more that his fear might seep into my life. I don't want that to happen. If you can see and taste abundance, you can have it. I don't think he understands the mind-shift one can make in order to bring abundance into one's life. I'm also feeling that, yes, I might become frustrated with him if this is his perspective as I find it so rigid and limiting. He on the other hand might find my approach and outlook to be frustrating, too. I honestly would like to give someone a chance to get to know him more before concluding that we're incompatible. But, I'm having these feelings already and we've only been on one date. Seriously, I have no idea why he would mention this so often. Yesterday on the phone, when we were considering restaurant, I asked him if he'd ever eaten Sushi. He said, no, then he said yeah actually once, but it was really expensive. He gave me the name of the restaurant, and I told him that it's very expensive there, but there are other places to eat sushi for a reasonable price. Then he said he is in no rush to try sushi again. I made a joke about a friend who hated sushi. Then I told him, I think I might drive you nuts. He said "why?". I said because "I might push your limits a bit." He said "how?" Well, with requests to go eat sushi, for instance. He said, "Well, we won't know until we find out.[if I'll drive him nuts]" Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Why do you say that more men are like this with age? (He's late 30s, and I'm early 40s) As men or ladies get older, they have a customary way of interacting with finances, money. Some are more tight-fisted and others less so. Also, as one gets older, there is a likelihood that past relationships and/or divorce has profoundly influenced the way in which money is viewed. I'm in my 40s and have virtually not debt, but a mortgage. I own a house near a golf course, car paid off, no CC debt, and save monthly and have a large emergency fund and retirement. Am I financially secure, but I also know to painfully () let go of the reigns at times. Taking my kids to ridiculously expensive Disney Land, for example. Just gotta bite the bullet. Disney has become less than family-friendly now days. That's another post topic. Anyway, his constant mentioning of finances to a clear sign of insecurity, imho. Paying for a dinner here and there for dates is not a biggy for him, but I suspect it will become a larger issue if you two become more serious. You need to get his view on money. And please, it is a talk you need to have before going much deeper into the relationship. Money concerns are one of the biggest reasons for failed relationships as we all know. I once dated a woman who told me on the second date that she had hundreds of thousands of dollars in school loans to pay-off. You can imagine my self-constrained shock! My first thought was, wtf? Within the profession she was in and as long as she was in it, I was wondering why it was that large....eesh. Believe it or not, IT was not a deal-breaker for me. Call me dumb. Have the talk. Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 This guy is boring me into a coma. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Well, I guess the truth is that he's started to drive me nuts. Already? So, soon? Not a good sign. That's always the right way to go as far as I'm concerned. It sounds to me like he's a boring conversationalist and he'll end up losing you over his endless woe is me money talk. Just tell him you get it, he's worried about money, you're not planning to drain him of what he has, and let's talk about more interesting things. Yes, this does make for boring conversation. I will actually use your phrase about "I get it ..." this Saturday, then wait to see his reaction and hear if he does have any more interesting preoccupations in life! Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Anyway, his constant mentioning of finances to a clear sign of insecurity, imho. Paying for a dinner here and there for dates is not a biggy for him, but I suspect it will become a larger issue if you two become more serious. You need to get his view on money. And please, it is a talk you need to have before going much deeper into the relationship. Money concerns are one of the biggest reasons for failed relationships as we all know. Have the talk. I will have the talk. I think his fear will win out in the long-term: that's just how he is. He's probably pretty set in his ways now being in his late 30s. I do not wish to live with that fear. Seems like it's over before it started. Oh well ... better sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Well, I guess the truth is that he's started to drive me nuts. Already? So, soon? Not a good sign. Yes, this does make for boring conversation. I will actually use your phrase about "I get it ..." this Saturday, then wait to see his reaction and hear if he does have any more interesting preoccupations in life! Thank you. This is irresponsible. If you see yourself having a LTR, this response is not adequate. If you find him boring or have serious misgivings then move on. Have a short, concerted, directed conversation about this to allow him to express his true feelings about money and give you a clearer idea of what to expect from him in the future. It can be 5-10 minutes, then, after satisfied, encourage conversation about more interesting topics. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 This guy is boring me into a coma. Really. The no sushi thing too! I dated a guy who made a very clear effort to let me know what he had, but in a backward manner. As in "I made a really stupid mistake four years ago, and lost 300K in a day in the stock market." It also became very clear that, while he would pay for really nice dates, if we were to get together long term, there would be no "ours". Now, I'm in the same boat as soccer, but just being told those expectations was, well, enough for me. OP, the sushi is on me, it's been too long. Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Why does this guy even bother existing? Seriously. "I'm not in any hurry to try sushi again". Really, guy? Why? Because you might have to drop $40? Yikes, that would be awful. Ja, for your next date, just rent a couple of metal detectors and take this lame to a park. Sounds like a dream date for him. Of course, whatever you do, don't mention that you spent any money on the metal detectors. His panties might twist, and then he's not going to be able to enjoy scrounging nickels out of the grass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I will have the talk. I think his fear will win out in the long-term: that's just how he is. He's probably pretty set in his ways now being in his late 30s. I do not wish to live with that fear. Seems like it's over before it started. Oh well ... better sooner than later. Yes. Yes. Remember that lady I told you about that had hundreds of thousands in debt? Well, she did live in fear of it. She didn't have retirement either. She had made some serious financial decisions over the years and it remained with her. Money is a real and perceived debilitating phantom in some lives. The more I think about how you describe this guy, I think it will be or is for him. I certainly do not want to have a relationship with someone who worries TOO much about money. Responsibly, yes, but not consumed by it. Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Also, you say that he has what he has because he is this way (i.e. a saver), and, honestly, I respect that. However, what is the need to mention money so often to someone you are just getting to know? One can still save and not talk about it so incessantly. To me it seems that he's fearful: and fear can block abundance. I really wonder why he is so fixated on "lack". It could be his way of airing out his dirty laundry early on the relationship... Kind of a test to see if you'll bail out early? His ex might have drained him financially or his financial situation have really taken a nose dive. But you should give the guy a break here if he is being honest with you early on! But yeah it can be boring and annoying to bring it up every time though. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 OP, some people just talk about money a lot. Chinese people talk about money all the time...and it's just a cultural thing (I'm Chinese). My woman and I talk about money often.... We would say, "wow this is way too expensive!" or "I would not pay this much for that". I always tell women early on that I'm broke. Seriously. My divorce costed me $500k, and I pay a ton of money for alimony and child support. Even though I make a decent 6-figure salary, I am left with very little money after all my expenses. I can still afford nice dinners and weekend trips, but I can't afford extravagant toys like I used to. Hench, there is always a conversation where she says, "I hope this dinner/trip doesn't break our wallet"...and I respond, "it's not like we do this every day....." I'm fortunate that I have a very money-conscious woman (unlike my ex-wife). We are definitely on the same page. So basically it's not such a bad thing for a guy to talk about money. As stated above, he is likely to be good at saving. I don't think you should write him off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 This is irresponsible. If you see yourself having a LTR, this response is not adequate. If you find him boring or have serious misgivings then move on. Have a short, concerted, directed conversation about this to allow him to express his true feelings about money and give you a clearer idea of what to expect from him in the future. It can be 5-10 minutes, then, after satisfied, encourage conversation about more interesting topics. Well, I'm not sure how it's irresponsible, but it is confrontational and won't help open, honest, and constructive communication. So, I do take your point. How would you suggest I begin the conversation? What type of questions could I ask? Or perhaps there's an analogy I could use, starting "Hey did you ever notice ... what do you think of that?" type of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
shexy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 My ex talked about MONEY all the time....after we talked about it, HIS issue was he grew up really poor and as an adult ended up making decent money, so he was VERY careful with it. I totally understood that....he just never wanted to be poor again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 Really. The no sushi thing too! I dated a guy who made a very clear effort to let me know what he had, but in a backward manner. As in "I made a really stupid mistake four years ago, and lost 300K in a day in the stock market." It also became very clear that, while he would pay for really nice dates, if we were to get together long term, there would be no "ours". Now, I'm in the same boat as soccer, but just being told those expectations was, well, enough for me. OP, the sushi is on me, it's been too long. It's so good that you were able to see that earlier on, and make the extrapolation of how it would translate long-term. I guess that's where I'm at now. I'll see him tomorrow ... the door isn't entirely closed, but it's not looking good. And, hey, you're definitely on for sushi!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 Why does this guy even bother existing? Seriously. "I'm not in any hurry to try sushi again". Really, guy? Why? Because you might have to drop $40? Yikes, that would be awful. Ja, for your next date, just rent a couple of metal detectors and take this lame to a park. Sounds like a dream date for him. Of course, whatever you do, don't mention that you spent any money on the metal detectors. His panties might twist, and then he's not going to be able to enjoy scrounging nickels out of the grass. hahahaha That would be the perfect date, eh? But oh wait, he might get his Dockers dirty! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 Don't forget, folks, even if it's not sushi, I'm paying for tomorrow. Last time when we went to eat, I asked do you have any preferences. He said Italian. So, Italian it was. Oh and I mentioned a great chai that I make. So he asked what I put in it. I started saying "ginger ..." He cut me off and said, "I don't like ginger." Hmmm I'm thinking that we're really incompatible in many areas. But darnit ... he can kiss gooood. Link to post Share on other sites
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