! Being with a man 19+ my age

[WeldedFlower]

We started seeing each other when I was 22 and he was 41. I just turned 27 and he is on the cusp of 46. We have been through a lot with one another, never monogomous but always there for each other through everything. We say I love you as friends and these past 6 months we have put in more work than being boyfriend and girlfriend would take to be together. I was scared of commitment due to my ex commiting suicide, and when we met he just got out of a 5 yr engagement (aside from the fact, duh, I was 22. No way in hell was anything real going to come then). I finally admitted I don't want anyone else and am in love with him, and he's finally admitting he thinks it could work and can't picture his life without me.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, it is a huge age gap. We are in very different parts of our lives, but we have said I love you (as friends) to one another for a long time now. I told him I want this month to not see him and to work on myself undistracted for myself and have a lot going on(we haven't seen one another save for once for 2 months now due to me beginning to put my foot down, not fully admitting I wanted a real relationship but saying no more seeing other people regularaly and for him to take as much time as he wants to think, that I don't want to force him into anything) and when we had the final talk of truth we agreed when we see each other we will go about this like "normal" people do. Dates, not friends with benefits, no funny business unless its real. We finally saw one another last week after the "big talk" and it's obvious he misses me and part of him really wants too, I've never seen him look at me that way and show so much restraint from grabbing me and (well you know). Advice on how not to mess this up please. I just wrote a long story explaining in detail but I thought instead I'd try starting with the point and elaborating if inquiries were made.

 

I've never wrote on a forum, and I am hoping to get some solid outsider advice.

 

Constructive criticism is welcome but I should have prerequsited this with the forums I have read on topics like this prior, well, people can say some poor things and clearly are reflecting judgementaly and one mindedly on their own bad experiences. Additionally, I welcome my fellow females advice but I very much am interested what similar aged men have to say.

 

This has never been a typical younger older relationship although we do have some cliches in our background. Thank you for your time.

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Thank you kindly,

Welded Flower

[Phantom888]

My question is, how come it took 5 years to develop into this? It's so murky and uncertain. I really can't imagine what you have in common to talk about, even as friends. He's old enough to be your father. Why not just call him your Godfather, and remain family instead of romantic partners? You know you will not be together in 10 years, when you finally figure things out and he is already an old dude. Im speaking from experience as a man, that I really can't really connect with a young woman in her mid-20s, and I'm 38. I really don't know how this attraction can happen. I just don't think it is real. IMHO.

[CptSaveAho]

You already messed it up

 

You broke up with him.... (I want to be alone for a month to work on myself and have seen him once in 2 months)....

 

You know its not going to work... You dont have the same feelings he has for you

 

Give him a clean break and stop using him because you cant be alone

[beach]

I have a friend who's husband is 25 years older than she is. They've been married more than 30 years.

 

They are one of the happiest couples I've ever met. They have 4 kids.

 

If it works for you - don't let others spoil it by telling you it's wrong.

[WeldedFlower]

My question is, how come it took 5 years to develop into this? It's so murky and uncertain. I really can't imagine what you have in common to talk about, even as friends. He's old enough to be your father. Why not just call him your Godfather, and remain family instead of romantic partners? You know you will not be together in 10 years, when you finally figure things out and he is already an old dude. Im speaking from experience as a man, that I really can't really connect with a young woman in her mid-20s, and I'm 38. I really don't know how this attraction can happen. I just don't think it is real. IMHO.

 

Thanks for responding first of all, and I understand your disbelief of their being genuine care, I appreciate the way it was put. We have a lot in common actually, despite being 27 I have ran a global magazine for many years(not Vogue but we still had a large readership). In addition to my family owns and soly operates 2 farms which I have been a workaholic on since the age of 12 and considered an owner of since age 18. Neither farms are a great success, they are both environmentally based and the demand isn't as I as I would like. Many 27 year old women have not had the experiences I have had surround me either, taking care of an ill mother, both my child hood best friend and ex boyfriend taking their own lives about 3 and 6 years ago. And whilst I do not think tragedy should bring someone close together, the fact is I view life a lot more seriously and with respect and greatfulness than most women my age. The majority of my friends are in either their early 30's or mid 40's as well, I don't like partying and getting **** faced etc.

 

He is a business owner that has spent 20 years creating and working it from ground up, and while he is successful which is nice, or having a house of his own on an island is nice. He hand built both his homes and so many other places, putting such design, sweat and care into them which I both admire and respect. Mutually I am an artistic person as well, but with plants, paint, sewing and well anything I can get my hands on too. From growing up on a farm I learned how to work on my own truck and machines at an early age and enjoy learning mechanics (I'm not a mechanic, but I have an interest and understanding better than most) so if he's working on a random project fixing a broken lawn mower, we're both interested.

 

Despite depicting a tomb boy as well I am not, most describe my look as bohemian or classy gypsy, and well yes, this all started because he was my exception to the rule (i used to stay within my age range for dating at least). He is gorgeous, and I don't mean to toot my own horn but I know my worth, I put a lot of work into my looks. So aside from genuine interest and likes, there is insane sexual chemistry even after 5 years.

 

Why after this long? Well firstly, even if I have been mature I've still grown up alot in these past 5 years. And I noticed he would randomly ask "how often till your 30 again?" Also I don't know if you know what it feels like to have someone you love removing themself from this world, but it leaves you weary of opening your heart up again. He had just got out of a 5 year engagement where his heart was insesively smashed as well. So as we have told eachother "I love you (as a friend)" for years and cuddle (to be honest it often feels like we're married the way it is). We both have not wanted to get hurt, in addition to both of us being highly logical people and knowing the difference in places in our lives could be a pickle figuring out down the road.

 

As I said it was an open relationship, and he is good looking, and while I have had my random flings, he went a bit buck wild this past year and I found out and got upset because I felt he should have been more honest about how many ladies he was having a good time with. I didn't speak to him for two months and told him I needed to think. I finally admitted I was in love with him and don't want to keep my options open anymore, and despite being such a proactive person I fell off my horse 2 years ago when I lost my best friend and had to start taking care of my mother, so I have had a lot to sort through. When I told him I expected a simple "I'm sorry then lets be friends" he said he had just been wanting me to get back to taking care of me and my dreams, and that he thinks this could work but we have to see how things go from starting from a normal step, like normal people. I know he is even more scared of commitment than I am as he put it "you have this beautiful innocent ability to still love despite your scars, and with so many more years of scars its harder for me. but thats also what makes me think there is a chance." I am getting ready to go back to school for environmental engineering and relaunch my web design company this month, as well as moving to a new place, so I have a lot on my plate and want to see him when I wont be overwhelmed. And he needs space to make an unpressured decision, so thats why we are giving it a small amount of more time.

 

I apologize for the length but I wanted to provide some more background.

[WeldedFlower]

I have a friend who's husband is 25 years older than she is. They've been married more than 30 years.

 

They are one of the happiest couples I've ever met. They have 4 kids.

 

If it works for you - don't let others spoil it by telling you it's wrong.

 

Thank you, I guess I was so surprised he reciprocated (with reservations) but as well so excited I just want advice on how to not mess this up when I see him? I think I am doing everything right, but I have been so happy since knowing there is a chance of this finally being possibly? real. It has been torture this past few years (although I'd never admit it to myself) not being able to actually be with him. And he is a playboy, a few different girls every few months for awhile now, (if you read my prior reply this all started when I realized how bad of a playboy he suddenly had been lately) I'm the only girl he's kept around, I do know when he is in a commited relationship he doesn't cheat and never has, or I wouldn't have bothered putting my heart on the line.

 

Also only seeing him for an hour in 2 months has been torture, despite the request for space, because he needs the time more then me to figure out if he wants the relationship, I just need it to get other things done undistracted and figured as well some time apart so we don't just throw the other one on the bed would be helpful. In 5 years we've never gone longer than 2 weeks without seeing one another. Oi, I'm rambling. We're supposed to take it like "normal people" from here (I'm assuming dates etc and take it slow like it was from the beginning), but its been so long since I have tried to take anything "normal" with someone that I'm not even sure what that is.

 

Plus, I am dying to slam him on the bed myself

[WeldedFlower]

You already messed it up

 

You broke up with him.... (I want to be alone for a month to work on myself and have seen him once in 2 months)....

 

You know its not going to work... You dont have the same feelings he has for you

 

Give him a clean break and stop using him because you cant be alone

 

Sorry, I didn't want to make the initial post long, but he also very much needs space to figure this out. He said is not 100% yet. And no, I've been with him for 5 yrs, I have a damned good idea its going to work if I don't mess things up (or thats how I feel)

 

Its been a long time since Ive felt this nervous..

[CptSaveAho]

Sorry, I didn't want to make the initial post long, but he also very much needs space to figure this out. He said is not 100% yet. And no, I've been with him for 5 yrs, I have a damned good idea its going to work if I don't mess things up (or thats how I feel)

 

Its been a long time since Ive felt this nervous..

 

I don't need space from people I know is going to work.

 

You can lie to yourself and everyone else on the forum but you can't bull**** a former bull****ter

 

He just agreed with you because you said it. Actions speak louder then words...you are just going through the motions ... comfortable with him etc etc but you don't share his feelings and you see that now and you never will. That's what you are afraid of messing up

 

You had your gigs experience dated a player and realize time isn't on your side...being alone for 2 months doesn't magically clean up your mess

Edited July 9, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[WeldedFlower]

I don't need space from people I know is going to work.

 

You can lie to yourself and everyone else on the forum but you can't bull**** a former bull****ter

 

He just agreed with you because you said it. Actions speak louder then words...you are just going through the motions ... comfortable with him etc etc but you don't share his feelings and you see that now and you never will. That's what you are afraid of messing up

 

Umm no? years ago I wanted to move things forward but he said he never wanted to be with anyone serious again. I have no reason to bs a forum as well. We both were arguing (for the first time ever these past few months) a lot because I was uncomfortable with how promoscuous he has been being. Why would I ask advice on a forum to lie? That just does't make sense...

 

He wants me to be back in school before we start anything as well. And he is the one that isn't 100% sure yet. He said I love you too when we were saying it as friends, but he didn't go so far to say it back when I said I was in love with him. But he did say he thinks this might work, and he has been having a hard time with missing me the past few months.

 

 

 

Never mind, I just saw your last edit and your someone with a chip on your shoulder. I hope life shows you more positive experiences hon and you get a better outlet then being nasty on forums. Best of luck to you!

Edited July 9, 2013 by WeldedFlower
Realized CptSavAho is just trying to get attention

[Phantom888]

I just don't think he is the relationship-type. He enjoyed being with different women at his age, instead of settling down. Also, his 5-year engagement should be a red flag. Who ever gets engaged for 5 years unless they don't really want to get married?! There are people who are life-long bachelors, and they do HORRIBLY in a monogamous relationship. They are just not built for it, and considering his advanced age over you, he can manipulate your heart any way he wants. Just be careful.

[WeldedFlower]

Phantom, I appreciate constructive criticism thank you. To correct myself, he was with her for 5 years, they had just got engaged the she went off the bend. Shes a very jealous person and actually got a different cell phone number to pretend and see if he'd meet up with an old gf. Among other things that he couldn't take. They were engaged for the last year of the relationship. But I do agree regardless I need to be careful.

 

But what I'd really like to know is how to go about starting things "normal" as he said. Its been a long time since I've gone about a relationship "normal".

[Phantom888]

 

But what I'd really like to know is how to go about starting things "normal" as he said. Its been a long time since I've gone about a relationship "normal".

 

I honestly don't think there is such thing as "normal" in any relationship. Just like there is no such thing as a "normal" person. You do what feels right in your heart. Given what you know, and your experiences in life, you can only hope that you make the right decisions. Best of luck to you.