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Having big problems with fiancee including trust/privacy issues!


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Old 14th June 2013, 9:48 AM   #1
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Unhappy Having big problems with fiancee including trust/privacy issues!

Generally I would like to think we (me [28 Male] and my fiancée [27 Female]) have a pretty good and happy relationship this past 5 years. We have our ups and down but I would like to think that is normal in any relationship, most of the time we're both happy.


Here's the background. I proposed to her last year on our fifth anniversary, and ever since we've been planning and preparing for our wedding which we scheduled at the end of this year which would take place at our Home country. Also I'm an IT / Techie guy who likes to modify/create his own stuff, this would be related later.


We're both foreign workers here in Europe. She quit her job so she could go back to our home country and prepare for our wedding there and to talk to her parents about our plans. She went back home last April, I can't go with her cause of my work I have limited amount of vacation time which I would like to use in our wedding and honeymoon.


We both talked to our respective parents, her parents didn't take it well because of religion. They would only accept a man of the same faith as they are or its better she didn't get married at all in her lifetime. She was told that if she continued with this she would get disowned, there were a couple of fights and a lot of shouting from her parents. We expected this already and have talked about it countless times. I know this is hard on her and I wish I was there to support and comfort her. She got her own place so she won't have to stay with her parents house. She took a job as well so she would have some income to pay for her expenses, I told her she doesn't have to work and offered to support her while she prepares our wedding but she won't accept any money from me until we get married.


We were handling it well for a month or so, initially she was having a hard time adjusting to her new place and to her new work. I told her she doesn't have to do any wedding related stuff until she is fully adjusted in her new environment. And I adjusted my time so I would be available when she's awake and when she needs to talk to me. In the last 3 - 4 weeks our communication started to be less frequent. Previously we would talk daily, she would tell me things about her day, her work, she would tell me in advance if she would go out with her old friends or her new friends from work, etc. But on the last 3 - 4 weeks, our talk become less and less, when she gets home she would just tell me she is tired and she would like to sleep and our talk would stop there, and when she went out with her new friends from work I would know about it a day or two later. She has more new guy friends from work than ladies. Generally I have no problem with it, as long as I know about it I am okay with it. Since she's new to her place she seldom cooks food, and would regularly eat out with her new work friends either some of the guys or with the ladies. This happens pretty regularly for breakfast before going to work and before going home.


On the last two weeks, she completely stops telling me about when she goes out with friends or not, if I don't ask her she would not tell me. I got this feeling that maybe there is something going on here now, why is she being distant and most of the time I could feel that its like a hassle for her to even talk to me. I asked her if there is something wrong, if there is something I could do to help. She just told me she is tired and stressed from work. We moved from talking daily to talking to certain days and time only.


One night it was our scheduled time to talk, but she was not online and not she's not answering my calls. I got worried maybe something happened on her way back home. She lives near her workplace its a 15mins brisk walk or a 30mins leisure walk. It's 3 hours past the time she's normally home and I still can't get hold of her. So I searched online if there is a way I could track her phone, I found out about "Find My iPhone" that same night. This is the first time I am using this app, but I regularly used iPhone GPS when I drive and its been accurate for me all the time. I know her Apple ID account and the password she's using.. Just to put it out there we have an open book policy where we know each other accounts username and password for everything we use online. I can honestly tell you I haven't open any of her accounts without her knowing before hand and the only time I opened it was because she asked me too to show me something, until that night that is. "Find my iPhone" app was able to locate her iPhone, it showed that her iPhone was in a bar far from here own place. From my experience with the iPhone GPS and first time using this app I readily believe this was accurate. I tried calling her a couple more times that night but there was no answer still. I gave up and tried to sleep but I couldn't, a couple of hours just laying in bed she called me saying that she went home was so tired and immediate fall sleep. I didn't tell her about me tracking her, but I checked again on the "Find my iPhone" app and its showing that her iPhone is in a different location but not in a bar this time, I asked her to take a picture for me showing her with some background of her room and she did and yes she is indeed at home even when the "Find my iPhone" is showing here in a different location. I think she suspected that I am tracking her but she didn't say anything.


2 days after the "Find my iPhone" incident she told me out of the blue that she is not sure anymore about marrying me and she don't know why. She told me this before she gets to work and since its nearly time for her work she had to cut it short. I didn't hear back from her for 4 days, she's not answering my calls, no reply on emails/sms/anything.


I was confused, afraid, and angry at the same time with some other negative emotions mixed in.. I keep asking her for an answer but no reply at all. At this time I was desperate to know what is happening, even if the answer is bad I would take it as long as there is an answer to why this is happening.. I opened and checked ALL her online accounts from Facebook, Gmail, YouTube, Twitter, Apple account (which contains her synced iPhone Address book) and even her Google Web Search history. I opened it to search for answers to why this is happening. I didn't find much really but there was a search on her Facebook about this certain guy, I remembered that she mentioned him as one of her new friends from work before. Why this stand out is she didn't add any of her new friends from her new work and she didn't do any search for them either except for this certain guy. After I got this guys name I checked her Apple account and there it was a contact profile of this guy on her address book, and her other new friends from work (aside from one lady that she hangouts with regularly) is not on her address book at all. That is all that I found out and a Google search on certain hotel rates near her work place.


After 4 days of no contact she called me and she told she's really sorry this is happening to us. She told me her parents have been calling her and laying a guilt trip on her to try to stop our plans. They change their tactics from using force to using guilt. She also told me she's not that excited anymore with the wedding and she don't know why. She's confuse but she's willing to work it out. I decided to not tell her what I found out about the guy and just bury it and forget about it. I decided to focus on our relationship and make it work. It was going well for 3 days we're like back to our normal self. I should have stopped looking at her facebook account at that time but at the back of my mind there is a small doubt. On the 3rd day I logged into her facebook account and I saw that she searched for this guy again. I confronted her about it and told her about the hotel searches too. She told me that she was only searching for the guys profile account to get some of their group pics from work, they recently had an office event and she was looking for pics this guy took. And as for the hotels, she was searching it for us. The condo we bought won't be ready on our wedding day, and the place she's staying out now doesn't allow another person to stay with her, and my own place is very far from her work, that is why she is checking if we could afford to just stay in a hotel until the condo is ready.


She is understandably angry that I invaded her privacy like that. That I even looked at her Google web search history, address book, and I even tracked her via GPS. She felt betrayed and that I violated her privacy. She's afraid of what I could do, she doesn't feel safe anymore. I told her I've only done it once this whole 5 years we're together and that is when she was not answering me for 4 days after saying something heartbreaking, I was confused as hell as well and I don't know what's happening between us at that time. I was mad, confused, and not thinking straight..


I know what I did is wrong, I tried apologizing to her for 4 days now but with no real progress. We're only talking via SMS now, she's not even answering her phone anymore and sometimes she's turning it off. The last time we talked in SMS (which was last night) she told she would accept my apology but she's not sure if we could go back to before. And she's scared of me, that I hacked her (She knows I am really good with computers, I could get password off encrypted files. Most of my work are done online I regularly do security checks on different type of servers so she knows I know how to bypass security. I'm not that good but I know enough. So this is fueling her paranoia of me. She already changed all her passwords btw.) She also called me a stalker I asked her if she would like to break of the engagement, she told me she's not sure yet. She can't see any type of future right now, she can't even see 1 week ahead of today.


I know I messed up big time. I don't want to lose her. What can I do to get her back? What can I do to fix this relationship? I don't know what to do anymore.. Can't even function well at work. Too stressed and exhausted for weeks now. Please help.


TL;DR Proposed to my 5 year GF, she accepts and went back home to our home country to prepare for our wedding, her parents does not agree of our union because of religion. I ****ed up big time by violating her privacy online due to lack of communication. Can't think straight anymore, need help on how I could possibly fix this.
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Old 14th June 2013, 10:09 AM   #2
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You sound obsessed. Honestly.

Take a deep breath and look at what you just did. Your initial complaint was that she stopped telling you 'in advance' that she was going out with friends, and instead told you a day or two after the fact. You saw this as a huge red flag, when in fact it is normal for most of us. You will find that most LDR couples actually do go out with friends without informing their partner beforehand, and it only comes up when they talk the next day or so.

It's just 'three hours past the time she usually gets home' and you started trying to track her phone. Think very carefully about your motives for this. It's unlikely to be safety, because even if you did suspect she was in trouble, you are in a different country, and no police will accept a 'missing' report of three hours.

IMO your fastidious and clingy behaviour was becoming a huge turn-off (I know it would be to me, and I'm usually the anxious one in a relationship ), hence her gradual distancing, and the final straw was her knowing what you did.

The first thing you need to do is to talk to a professional about this. I'm not even joking. It's not normal to do what you did. You need to get to the root issue of this and get help for it. I'm not saying she's completely in the right or even that I'm 100% sure she wasn't cheating - I'm not. But your overreacting is going to kill any potential chance you have at a R, with her or with anyone else.

When you have done that, take a good look at your R, at her, and try to figure out why you felt like you couldn't trust her. Perhaps there might have been a good reason that you skimmed over, or perhaps you just aren't compatible. Perhaps she's moved on for good already. Perhaps you'll both decide it's worth another shot. But this should be secondary to fixing your own issues IMO.
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Old 14th June 2013, 10:49 AM   #3
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Thank you Elswyth, I think your post is what I needed to hear.

Yes you are right I think I am getting obsessed here and that is never good, I know.. I'll immediately stop trying to get in touch with her, but before I do that I would send her a message that I'll be just here if she needs me and I'll be taking some time off to sort things out from my end. I've been planning to do this already but I'm afraid if I go with it and totally stopped trying to communicate with her that we'll just fizzle out and totally break up. I won't be able to say to myself that I've tried everything I could to save this R.

But as you've said I'm obsessed with this already. And that is true I need some time off to sort things out and get back to the normal me.
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Old 14th June 2013, 11:57 AM   #4
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Yes, you do. Do you have access to therapy there, or at least a very good friend who will tell you the truth as it is without sparing your feelings? That may help.

Good luck!
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Old 14th June 2013, 12:36 PM   #5
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I agree with the above post.

In the short term...just stop. Let her have some space to think about it. She needs to time to figure out if she can forgive you. She already accepted your apology so stop apologizing.

Just tell her you will give her some space and ask her to contact you when she wants to talk again.
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Old 14th June 2013, 1:07 PM   #6
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Unhappy

That's a quite a story you told there.

This is from the perspective of a guy who essentially did what you did (spying on a significant other), although I did it to a lesser extent and for mostly different reasons. Thanks to good, open communication, my girlfriend and I were able to move past the issue. However, that required both of us to admit that we had behaved poorly and to confess various things about ourselves.

You sound paranoid but I don't think it's entirely unwarranted. You say that your fiancee's parents are pissed about your impending marriage because of your diverging religious beliefs, and that they've employed various psychological tactics to try to convince her to not go through with it. She moves back to your home country, away from you, and after being subjected to more of the same from her parents, she communicates with you with diminishing frequency. Not only that, but over the past few weeks she has flat told you that she is having second thoughts about your marriage. (I highly doubt that her saying that is the result of you asking her to take a picture to confirm her whereabouts, especially since at that point there was no way for her to know that you were tracking the GPS on her phone). If you're as madly in love with a woman as you should be if you're engaged to her, I don't blame you one bit for being paranoid about losing her, regardless of whether its because of her apparently increasing indifference towards you or if she's actually cheating on you.

Of course, the tactics you employed to find out more about what's going on are another story altogether. Then again, you are thousands of miles away, justifiably concerned and paranoid about where your future with this woman is going, and you have full knowledge that people who are very close to her are actively trying to sabotage your marriage. It's understandable that you'd start basically start trying to keep track of her with whatever tools are at your disposal. Even if you have an open-door policy with your significant other when it comes to passwords, very rarely does any good come of actually using that information to spy on your significant other. The only good that comes of it is finding smoking gun evidence of her either cheating on you or doing really illegal stuff. In most every other instance, all it does is lead to more confusion.

As far as what you should do now that the sh** has hit the fan, I'm not 100% sure. Taking some time off from trying to talk to her, as you've already decided to do, is certainly a good idea. On the other hand, whether you need to seek professional help really depends on you. No one who posts here knows enough about you to make that recommendation, and unless you are similarly paranoid in all other aspects of life, there's no basis for anyone to suggest that what you're doing is pathological. Have you ever behaved this way in your relationship with your fiancee before? How about in past relationships? Did paranoid thoughts about your significant others' activities sabotage your past relationships? From what I've read, you've never secretly checked up on your fiancee prior to the past few months. If you think going to therapy might help you feel better, go right ahead, but don't take the suggestion that the way you're behaving is unjustified or wrong unless there's a persistent pattern of you behaving similarly in the past and in less justifiable circumstances.
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Old 14th June 2013, 1:13 PM   #7
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On the other hand, whether you need to seek professional help really depends on you. No one who posts here knows enough about you to make that recommendation
One does not need to be 100% certain that one is suffering from clinical paranoia to seek professional help. Determining whether or not it exists (and if it does, to what degree) IS the professional's job.
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Old 14th June 2013, 1:36 PM   #8
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Whether you are obsessed or not, I don't know and I don't care to know.

However, whichever way it is, the one thing I am convinced of it that a relationship always falls to the level of the lowest common denominator and it is your fiancé who holds all the cards as far as that is concerned for the moment. That means that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the status quo other than to unambiguously state where you stand in relation to the future prospects of your relationship and leave it up to her to decide what she is going to do next.

I think you need to exhibit prodigious quantities of patience and empathy and to to step well away from any instinct to fall into the "What about poor little old me" routine. If you have sinned in all this you now need to sit tight on it and suck it all up, other than apologising again if need be.

I think you may have to accept the fact that the relationship may well have been doomed from the moment she stepped back onto that plane to fly home. If nothing else, she was, even then, conflicted between doing what she wanted to do to be happy and keeping her parents happy, viz-a-viz the religious and cultural issues.

Are either of you truly religious yourselves? To be honest I would suspect that if you are, then the relationship might be a difficult one, longer-term for reasons which I won't elaborate on here.

Her instinct may be not to go against her parents for not just reasons of respect and tradition but also maybe because when it comes to the crunch, if you and her were to get married she might expect to want and need their support in the marriage with practical considerations such as child-rearing.

I don't know whether her parents are just being selfish or have genuine fears for both of you, it can be quite the challenge to not only be separated from family by geography but also culturally. Yet, despite that you are both living in a foreign part of the world living in a culture that is at face value foreign to you both. Do you envisage becoming a permanent part of the culture by adopting it to yourselves, without looking back on what you came from other than to regard it with whatever fondness but still as part of your past, not your future?

I can only suggest that your only hope, even before this issue over trusting you arose, was to be able to win her parents over, by proving how much she means to you and about how you both could face the challenge of adopting a different culture together and to bringing both your birthright cultures together. It is rare but not unheard of. Now you face the prospect of not only trying to win them over but her too, all over again. That is daunting, to put it mildly.

I think you would be entitled to point out that her behaviour, her evasion, did drive you to desperate, unwise decisions but without ultimately excusing yourself over it and to try to convince her that though it was a pretty horrendous error of judgement that you can and have learnt from it.

Whether that will make any serious difference I doubt because I think she is deep into a process of estrangement from you which your actions have accelerated. I think you may have to accept that, as the old saying goes, two people in love are not always destined to live together. It might be best to think of saying that exactly to her, that you know that she is estranged from you and that if she wants to go that she goes with your blessings albeit with great regret. If her feelings for you are stronger than everything else that has gone off or is going on, then she will come back to you. If not, then it is maybe best for it to wither rather than try to keep it falsely alive on either of your parts. It would be foolish for either of you, for both of you, to betray your true feelings.

PS. Whatever either of you do for now, call the wedding off NOW. Take it off the agenda, take the pressure off one another. Take the initiative on this.
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Last edited by pcplod; 14th June 2013 at 1:41 PM..
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Old 14th June 2013, 1:46 PM   #9
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One does not need to be 100% certain that one is suffering from clinical paranoia to seek professional help. Determining whether or not it exists (and if it does, to what degree) IS the professional's job.
Right. I'm saying no one here knows enough about him to suggest that therapy is what he needs, and that whether he decides to go for it should be informed by introspection, rather than at the urging of internet strangers whose only knowledge of him is one post about a very particular situation in life. All the aforementioned notwithstanding, I still said that he should seek it out if he thinks it will help him.
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