A little confused

[amerikajin]

There's this girl I work with and I've asked her to lunch on Thursday.

 

Here's the deal:

1) I'm not really sure if I want to get serious with anyone anytime soon. How do I play this situation?

 

2) Do I pay for the lunch? Would coffee have been better? Problem is finding time when we're both free.

[average guy]

Why did you ask her to lunch?

[sportsloving]

One date does not qualify you for wedding bells so relax. Have fun and see what happens. You may decide later on this is someone you really want to date or you both might lose interest. It is too soon to skip to the last page of the book.

 

About footing the bill. You should always be prepared to pay if you are the one who asked them out. I imagine that she will offer to pay her share and then it is up to you both how you want to handle it.

 

I do hope you both have a good time, a lot of laughs and great conversation!

[mysunshine]

I agree with sportsloving

 

It's just lunch. Take a deep breath, relax and just be you. There is a reason why she said 'YES". Try asking her what made her do so. Find out her intentions and express yours through casual conversation and then decide if you want a 2nd date. First dates are tough and you will both be jumbled up inside with butterflies and jitters, but once you have both laid your cards on the table, you will feel more comfortable.

 

If you look back 6 months from now and you are still dating her, then you will know that you were ready. Don't plan so much for the what if's, just live for the fun of the moment and enjoy her company.

 

The general 'rule" in dating, from a woman's perspective is... If you asked me out, you pay. But here is a little hint for you. If she offers to pay, she likes you and wants to show you that she is not superficial. If she INSISTS on paying, she is not really interested and does not want to feel that she owes you anything.

 

Have fun

[amerikajin]

But here is a little hint for you. If she offers to pay, she likes you and wants to show you that she is not superficial. If she INSISTS on paying, she is not really interested and does not want to feel that she owes you anything.

 

Thanks for the tip. I always kinda wondered about this one.

[moimeme]

If she INSISTS on paying, she is not really interested and does not want to feel that she owes you anything.

 

Amerikajin, there is no 'female rules book' read and followed by all women. Women may 'insist' on paying for any number of reasons so don't take what mysunshine said to be gospel.

[RackEmUp]

There IS a rule book, moimeme must not have gotten her copy. mysunshine was right. You ask, you pay. If you both have fun, maybe she'll ask YOU out.

[sportsloving]

I didn't get my copy of the rules either!

 

If I asked a guy out, I fully expected to pay for dinner (my idea, my pay). If he asked me out, I made sure I have enough money to cover my share (just in case). But as my mudder once said, the asker pays if the askee accepts.

 

I do have some guy friends who (no matter who asks whom) will insist on paying because they feel it is their responsiblity (we are nothing more than friends and it is never in a date context). I have offered to pay just because it feels fair but they will not allow me to pay for anything (when we play golf, I can't even buy my own water). So I think it depends on the people who are involved and their feelings towards the subject.

 

I do hope you have a great time and hope it all works out.

[amerikajin]

She canceled.

[Papillon]

If a woman INSISTS on paying, for any other reason than she is not interested and does not want to owe me anything, then she can shove it. It's a slap in the face to have one's chivalry spat on.

[amerikajin]

She sent me a text message at 11:30 to tell me she couldn't make it to lunch tomorrow because of a "problem with (her) apartment".

 

What a f_cked up lying cunt. She's so f_cking full of s*** her eyes are brown.

 

I don't want to hear anymore s*** from any b!tches on this forum about my dating two or three women at a time. That's exactly why. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, ya know?

 

Message to all you guys out there. Play the field. Screw a woman's feelings.

 

F_ck yes, I'm p!ssed. I have every right to be. If there's one thing I don't like, it's being played for a sucker.

[sportsloving]

Hey ~ calm down. The reason she gave you could very well be true (although it seems a bit rude to have done it text message and not by phone). You are pretty upset .. aren't you going to talk to her about maybe another time or something?

 

I don't have anything against a guy (or gal) dating two or three people at the same time. AS long as all the parties involved are well aware of the situation and thereby no feelings get hurt.

 

I am sorry she cancelled ... I wish you the best.

[Dean67]

Don't get too upset brother! So she flaked out...so what. Girls seem to do that a lot to their own best friends even. It'll piss you off but DON'T EXPRESS IT!!! Feel it, get over it, and move on man. If you're chill about it (I'm suspecting you might not have been) she might call you. Its happened. My girlfriend flaked out on me BIGTIME when we first met, now she's the best gf I've ever had.

 

The bottom line is that you're not really high on her priorities list right now...but so what? Why should you be? Understand that and understand that it will take time for you to move up on her list...If you guys are still talking in 6 months and she's still flaking out on you THEN you can get pissed.

 

To comment on all the diverse methods and expectations expressed in this thread: I imagine that there was a time when tradition governed this kind of thing and we all knew what was expected of us...ahhhh how refreshing would that be?

[amerikajin]

Okay, you're right - I should calm down. Trying. Sorry.

 

No, I know a cancel when I see one. She would have said let's meet some other time or something like that, but she didn't.

 

I didn't respond to her first message because I didn't think it was necessary. I "got the picture" then.

 

She then sent me another one about 30 minutes later, just to make sure I got her first message. I responded by saying 'No worries. See you on Friday' (at work).

 

My guess is that she either wanted to go out drinking tonight or go to bed feeling a little better about things (since we work together).

 

I know, I know...dating people at work is fraught with risks. It's just that over here work is about the only place where I can have a "normal" relationship.

[Dean67]

HA! Good play man! get as pissed as you want...as long as she doesn't know it.

[amerikajin]

I have a friend who's dating five women right now - and they all believe they're his girlfriend.

 

Right now, he's my idol.

[sportsloving]

So she is flaky, good thing to find out now rather than later when you have really invested time and energy

 

As the saying goes, there are plenty more fish in the sea. (Maybe someone restocked it with mermaids for you guys?).

 

Have another friend or interest you can call to take out? I have never dated anyone from a work place, always seemed like if it went sour that you would still be stuck seeing that person face to face every day. Are you in any groups or clubs that you can meet different people?

 

Anyways, good luck to you ~

[sportsloving]

Originally posted by amerikajin

I have a friend who's dating five women right now - and they all believe they're his girlfriend.

 

Right now, he's my idol.

 

LMAO. I always wondered how is it possible to keep things organized for more than one person? I really suck at remembering birthdays and anniversaries and stuff... so dating five women? Wow, I am impressed. Does he remember things about each of them or does he once in awhile and slip and mention something to the wrong girl ?

[amerikajin]

I probably could score someone on short notice, but I'll probably just chill out tomorrow. I've worked seven days straight so I could use a break anyway.

 

My feelings here are a bit exaggerated precisely because I'm trying to get it out of my system before I see her again, so take what I say here with a pound of salt.

[sportsloving]

Originally posted by amerikajin

I probably could score someone on short notice, but I'll probably just chill out tomorrow. I've worked seven days straight so I could use a break anyway.

 

Sounds like a good idea. Hope you have a good time, whatever you do.

 

My feelings here are a bit exaggerated precisely because I'm trying to get it out of my system before I see her again, so take what I say here with a pound of salt.

 

You have a right to let out steam, I still think it was rather rude to have sent a text message instead of calling. But then we know she is flaky so more the loss for her. How about a grain of salt? Much cheaper than a pound

 

Take care of yourself ...

[moimeme]

Well, this is unimpressive. You're furious because someone cancelled with you when you were iffy, at best, about going out with her in the first place. What's this about? You're allowed to have doubts but not her? Somehow you were entitled to her wanting to go out with you when you wrote here to say that you thought it wasn't a great idea?

 

If a woman INSISTS on paying, for any other reason than she is not interested and does not want to owe me anything, then she can shove it. It's a slap in the face to have one's chivalry spat on.

 

Equally unimpressive. Some women don't want to feel 'beholden' to anybody and would INSIST on paying for a first date whether it was a chivalrous man or her best friend. Later, when she knows him better, she may lighten up a bit. To get your knickers in a knot over that, in the year 2004, is a bit much, IMHO.

 

Me, I actually prefer to pay my own way, particularly the first time out. That way, if it turns out I don't like him, I won't feel as though I let him spend money on me for nothing. I feel it's unfair for a person to pay for a person he may never see again. So rather than him thinking '****, I bought X a meal and she never saw me again', he won't have hard feelings about things if they don't work out. If we do like each other, then he can take a turn next time.

 

I also think that if two adults are both working and earning roughly the same amount of money, then there's nothing whatsoever wrong with taking turns treating the other or each paying for his/her own meal. It's lovely that fellows want to be chivalrous in this regard, but I've often thought it unfair to them.

[amerikajin]

Well, this is unimpressive. You're furious because someone cancelled with you when you were iffy, at best, about going out with her in the first place. What's this about? You're allowed to have doubts but not her? Somehow you were entitled to her wanting to go out with you when you wrote here to say that you thought it wasn't a great idea?

 

I'm not upset because she had doubts or because she declined, I'm upset at the manner in which it was done. Come on, 11:30 the night before? Because of a "problem with (her) apartment"??? What's that?

 

She's allowed to have all the doubt or optimism she wants. But she should at least be respectful of other people. I could have made other plans. That was a very chumpish "You're obviously a sucker" kinda thing to do in my book.

[amerikajin]

Okay, here's an update.

 

I've hardly seen this chick at work all week. I saw her one time and she was on the phone (we work in a very large office). I know she saw me because I was talking with some other co-workers nearby. She got off the phone just before I left her vicinity, but I didn't say anything to her, nor did she say anything to me. In fact, I think we may have both pretended not to realize we were in each other's presence.

 

Honestly, I'm pretty much over it all (got a couple of other dates lined up already anyway). While she p!ssed me off for cancelling on me at the last frigging minute, I don't think she meant to be mean; she just didn't really want to do it in the first place and maybe wanted to find some easy way out of it. From what I can tell I think she's otherwise a decent person and I don't want to cause any real lasting rift between us. Does anyone else have a similar experience, and how would anyone suggest patching over this so that we can both just carry on? What do I say? What do I do?

[moimeme]

I dunno. My toilet has a nasty habit of running on - at 11 pm on a Sunday. I think if you're going to suspect her of lying to you you maybe should just forget that one. If she really wanted to jerk you around, she could just have stood you up. IMHO, if you're that quick to assume something negative about someone, there's not much point in getting to know that person.

[amerikajin]

I think if you're going to suspect her of lying to you you maybe should just forget that one. If she really wanted to jerk you around, she could just have stood you up. IMHO, if you're that quick to assume something negative about someone, there's not much point in getting to know that person.

 

I'm not quite following you, moimeme. I don't think she wanted to jerk me around for the hell of it; I think it was just a case of cold feet at the last minute (whatever her reasons may have been). Are you saying that I'm wrong to assume that she wasn't interested, and that she canceled because of that? Wouldn't someone at least half-interested do the other person the courtesy of suggesting a makeup some other time? If she had been a little more explicit and suggested an alternative plan at a later time, I wouldn't have reached this conclusion.