Breaking point, breaking down.

[mm4184]

Please bear with me as I really need a place to let out my frustrations and get unbiased advice. I've been waking up with anxiety recently and need to figure out how to change my state of mind in order to make myself better.

 

Been "dating" a guy about 5 months. He's handsome, charming, all that good stuff. Mind you, we've never spent a whole day together aside from when he came to my hometown with me for 3 days and met my friends and family (casually of course). He works at my hospital M-F 3-11 and also plays baseball (game every Sunday) and gets paid for it so his excuse is that he hardly ever has time to do things he has to do and also this month, he has to move out of his apartment so he's been hunting and that's why he hasn't had time to be around. When we're together, he says all the right things- his parents think I'm beautiful, he's taking it slow because he's been hurt in the past (girlfriends cheated on him and got pregnant by someone else, etc.) and he does not want to make the same mistakes so he's not entirely ready but he does want a relationship with me eventually. I make him feel comfortable and he said I have so many girlfriend qualities and that he can be himself around me not like with his ex where he had to change who he was (but he did because he loved her). I've given him the "out" and told him that if it's too difficult and he wants it casual, just let me know, but he won't take it.

 

The problem is I told him he does not make me feel like I'm a priority and just isn't around and I honestly feel that there is someone else, the "ex" might not be an ex. I developed a complex thinking he doesn't want to have sex with me because we hardly ever do and when we were on vacation we only had sex once! He says it's not always about sex and it's not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't feel the need to all the time because he's "been through his slut phase". He hardly texts or calls and most of the time I just see him when I'm at work. He's come over before his shift on my days off but maybe for 2 hours at a time. We've gone out to do things but he always brings his brother who is sleeping with my roommate. When I tell him I just don't feel like he's around and he's inconsistent, he tells me that he knows he has bad time management and that when he moves, we'll be able to hang out more.

 

So the thing with my intuition about another woman- I've only been to his place on my lunch break once and there were no girls clothes or shoes but there were traces of girl items like shampoo and purple figurines, but I know he used to live with her supposedly so it could be that. Said the shampoo was his brother's. Right. He doesn't hang out much on weekends which are his only days off. Sundays I understand because he has baseball. But Friday night after work and Saturday, any busy guy pursuing a woman would MAKE TIME when he has time or at least be calling to let me know he's thinking of me. He says he is pooped Friday nights and just wants to be in his own bed and own place and sleep. He won't sleep over here because he says he can't be comfortable with my roommates around and that my bed is too small for him :/ So then Saturday? He "runs errands". And then the fact that I don't hear from him much if I don't see him. There's so much more... Don't want to write a book. But then when we are together, it's all fine and dandy. He says he knows he needs to show me more and that after this move I can "sleep over" finally. We shall see.

 

I'm at a point where I feel the need to know if there is someone else because that's what I assume. Then I know I also have my insecurities and maybe guys in NY are really just that different and have a lot to do. But I feel that ANY GUY that wants to be with someone, would make sure no one else would take their place. Make them the center of attention. So I took my friends' advice and am trying to "distract" myself by keeping my options open. Went on a date from someone from OKC, that was a fail. I just don't know what to do and it's frustrating thinking I'm going to have to go out and re-do this with every new guy I meet? I know I gotta focus on myself and be happy with me first, but I just feel so helpless sometimes. Like it'll never happen. This is the FIRST time I'm letting someone in since my ex in 2009- I was hurt so every guy after him was just casual so I didn't have any emotional issues. Now when I finally open up, it's not working the way I want. People will tell me to drop it and move on, but the most I can do right now is just keep myself occupied and busy and give him the "time" he wants to "take things slow" and finish his move and then see I guess. I'm at a breaking point and I just don't even know what to do. I feel like I need to go back to therapy. Thanks for anyone who actually read through this vent...

[crederer]

There may or may not be someone else. But to me, from what's posted, it seems he's not completely over his ex. She seems to come up in conversation fairly often with you two, he has some emotional baggage from that relationship, and I don't think you are his main priority. These are all red flags if you're looking for a LTR.

[mm4184]

There may or may not be someone else. But to me, from what's posted, it seems he's not completely over his ex. She seems to come up in conversation fairly often with you two, he has some emotional baggage from that relationship, and I don't think you are his main priority. These are all red flags if you're looking for a LTR.

 

Thank you for your response. I know he's "damaged" and he's told me that's why he's taking it slow because he does not want to make the same mistakes from the past relationships. And I know I'm not a main priority (maybe right now?), but when I speak to him about all of this, he makes me feel like I should give it a chance. Mostly I want to say it's bullish excuses but again, what guy would keep a girl around that he's obviously not just trying to sleep with (since we hardly have sex) and someone who "nagged" about him not being around and being inconsistent etc. He even told me "any other guy would have left but I'm here because I want to be and I want this to work out in the end, you just have to let it flow." I know I can be demanding and I have high expectations, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes.. Just don't know for how long I can do it. Been having anxiety and I know it's my inner issues but he's not making it any easier for me. If I leave, I'll always have the "what if" in my head... So I'm stuck. Just don't know how to deal