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should I ask this one out? :))


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I seem to post a lot of threads, oh well... I'm going to cite another poster, who got me thinking about a guy I've been on a date with last Saturday. The OP who made me think said:

 

"I think thats the huge problem for us guys who arent smooth right away and may not make every right move or decision women seem to pick apart approach ton of voice mannerisms etc t odeath

 

Girls seem to overanalyze every move early on and if you make one mistake it can cost you your chance and is why some of the smoother guys who may not be great guys get women because they pass every social test in the begining."

 

So I've been on one date with a guy last Sat. He had a lisp (that's how you call it? ok, that's not attractive, I admit), and he seemed shy, not the typical outgoing guy. The conversation wasn't really smooth, he looked into his plate at times, seemed self conscious about eating. However, we have a lot of common interests: same movies, reading, activities (except I don't drink, he does and goes to these beer festivals etc.), he has a Ph.D. in Chemistry (I have two degrees in Chemistry as well), he is local. We mostly discussed movies, books etc. I think he liked me physically, because his eyes lit up when he saw me and kinda kept being lit up, but beyond that, I couldn't read him. So Monday he emailed:

 

"Hi Blu, It was nice to meet you on Saturday. Did you have a good weekend? Catch any movies? I thought of going to Iron Man 3 but I think I'll just wait til the crowds for it thin out. I was also considering The Place Beyond the Pines though I'm not sure if it will be in theaters this coming weekend."

 

I replied:

"It was also nice to meet you on Saturday, thank you again for lunch! This weekend it was my Easter. I'm Greek Orthodox. After meeting you, it was extremely busy with preparations and meeting people. No time for reading or movies, although I watched Hitch on amazon. I actually really want to see The Place Beyond the Pines. It is in theaters. I'll see when I can catch it. I'm at Panera now, before going to the office. I hope you have a good day and a good week and enjoying the summer"

 

After that nothing. My rule is that I never ask men out, because that doesn't lead anywhere, even if they said yes. Could it be that this one is afraid I'll reject him, or "he's just not that into me?". I don't really like him physically, but like the OP said, I'd like to get beyond the first date "lack of game" get to know him better, due to similar interests, maybe he'd open up more. He is local (important, I live in the middle of nowhere). Should I suggest we go to see one of those freaking movies, or just let it go? We both mentioned that we go to the movies by ourselves. I could just say to go as friends, or not mention "as what" we'd go, or just drop it.

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sillyanswer
My rule is that I never ask men out, because that doesn't lead anywhere, even if they said yes.

 

I'm missing the part where this guy would be different enough to break your rule.

 

He's local, and you share some interests, but you don't really like him physically? Generally I think that slavishly following rules in dating is foolish, but just this once I'm thinking you should re-read your rule and the reason for it (handily quoted above) and then stick to it.

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Shy or not, you should make him pursue you, not ask him out directly. Send him a flirtatious casual text. When the right girl comes along, he'll get over his shyness.

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I'm missing the part where this guy would be different enough to break your rule.

 

He's local, and you share some interests, but you don't really like him physically? Generally I think that slavishly following rules in dating is foolish, but just this once I'm thinking you should re-read your rule and the reason for it (handily quoted above) and then stick to it.

 

OK, sounds good, I'll do that :laugh: He was different because he seemed extremely shy/self conscious, then kinda tested with that email, said maybe he wants me to take the lead....meh whatever.

 

As a side note, if I were to go out only with men I like physically at first sight, I'd never get anywhere, I only like the very hot ones at first sight, duuh :laugh:, and they are out of my league and/or just want ONS :p. I didn't like my ex husband physically at the beginning. That's not really a deal breaker, unless I'm repulsed (which happened). But yes, this one seems good to stay on his little shelf :) Thanks!

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outsidethebox

You'd think it wouldn't take a PhD to take a hint at asking you out.

 

Oh wait, he's got a PhD...

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Shy or not, you should make him pursue you, not ask him out directly. Send him a flirtatious casual text. When the right girl comes along, he'll get over his shyness.

 

I think I'm not interested enough, I decided against making any move, sillyanswer helped :) So no text either . But in general it would be a good idea if I wanted to show interest and have a guy start the chase.

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outsidethebox
As a side note, if I were to go out only with men I like physically at first sight, I'd never get anywhere, I only like the very hot ones at first sight, duuh :laugh:

 

So women are just like men. hmmmm, I learn something new every day here.

 

Blu, what I'm wondering is, I take it he mustered up the cajones to ask you out once already, I am mystified at how after doing that one can become shyer and not be able to do it again. Unless they're overwhelmed by your presence and feel they're not in your league and it will never work out, that sort of thing.

 

Here's my guess as a similarly dazed and confused guy as him. And please don't laugh. He said he was going to wait for the movies to run awhile for the crowds to thin out, so he is waiting for the movies to run awhile.

 

Yes, we should get disability for this condition.

Edited by outsidethebox
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Ninjainpajamas

I think you did a good job, and that should be enough of the door open for him to walk through it and ask you out.

 

I think he was being polite, and you weren't just short, you left things open-ended as well as him, now it's up to him to make the move. I think you made it convenient for him to do that and overstepping beyond that would be taking too much initiative for this guy.

 

Plus he's already been on one date with you as it is, so he's got his feet wet, he just has to keep the ball rolling.

 

I come from the belief you should not pursue men, you should just make yourself available, but they should take that initiative.

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So women are just like men. hmmmm, I learn something new every day here.

 

Blu, what I'm wondering is, I take it he mustered up the cajones to ask you out once already, I am mystified at how after doing that one can become shyer and not be able to do it again. Unless they're overwhelmed by your presence and feel they're not in your league and it will never work out, that sort of thing.

 

Here's my guess as a similarly dazed and confused guy as him. And please don't laugh. He said he was going to wait for the movies to run awhile for the crowds to thin out, so he is waiting for the movies to run awhile.

 

Yes, we should get disability for this condition.

 

I'm not sure how men are, or how other women are. I personally take longer to physically like someone, unless they are some kind of movie star or something, and not even any hot movie star. For example, I don't like Johnny Depp, but I like Bradley Cooper bc he is my type (lighter colored, blue eyes). For me, physical attraction comes a bit later, with the personality and connection, if there is no deep rejection for that person.

 

I would prefer to believe that any man who doesn't like me is because he is so impressed that he fell on his butt. But here, I think he's not into me, and I'm not into him. Case closed. If he asked me out, I'd go though, just because I know it takes me some time to figure out if I like someone or not, not just one date. Sometime I know I DON'T like someone and can't stand the thought of meeting them again, not the case here, I'm just merely neutral.

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HoneyBadgerDontCare
I seem to post a lot of threads, oh well... I'm going to cite another poster, who got me thinking about a guy I've been on a date with last Saturday. The OP who made me think said:

 

"I think thats the huge problem for us guys who arent smooth right away and may not make every right move or decision women seem to pick apart approach ton of voice mannerisms etc t odeath

 

Girls seem to overanalyze every move early on and if you make one mistake it can cost you your chance and is why some of the smoother guys who may not be great guys get women because they pass every social test in the begining."

 

So I've been on one date with a guy last Sat. He had a lisp (that's how you call it? ok, that's not attractive, I admit), and he seemed shy, not the typical outgoing guy. The conversation wasn't really smooth, he looked into his plate at times, seemed self conscious about eating. However, we have a lot of common interests: same movies, reading, activities (except I don't drink, he does and goes to these beer festivals etc.), he has a Ph.D. in Chemistry (I have two degrees in Chemistry as well), he is local. We mostly discussed movies, books etc. I think he liked me physically, because his eyes lit up when he saw me and kinda kept being lit up, but beyond that, I couldn't read him. So Monday he emailed:

 

"Hi Blu, It was nice to meet you on Saturday. Did you have a good weekend? Catch any movies? I thought of going to Iron Man 3 but I think I'll just wait til the crowds for it thin out. I was also considering The Place Beyond the Pines though I'm not sure if it will be in theaters this coming weekend."

 

I replied:

"It was also nice to meet you on Saturday, thank you again for lunch! This weekend it was my Easter. I'm Greek Orthodox. After meeting you, it was extremely busy with preparations and meeting people. No time for reading or movies, although I watched Hitch on amazon. I actually really want to see The Place Beyond the Pines. It is in theaters. I'll see when I can catch it. I'm at Panera now, before going to the office. I hope you have a good day and a good week and enjoying the summer"

 

After that nothing. My rule is that I never ask men out, because that doesn't lead anywhere, even if they said yes. Could it be that this one is afraid I'll reject him, or "he's just not that into me?". I don't really like him physically, but like the OP said, I'd like to get beyond the first date "lack of game" get to know him better, due to similar interests, maybe he'd open up more. He is local (important, I live in the middle of nowhere). Should I suggest we go to see one of those freaking movies, or just let it go? We both mentioned that we go to the movies by ourselves. I could just say to go as friends, or not mention "as what" we'd go, or just drop it.

 

First, kudos to giving the guy a chance. I really admire your ability to not follow the crowd. You are one of the few female posters here that seems like a genuinely good person. I'm sure you'll be successful in dating. :)

 

With that said, I agree with the poster that said, in most situations, you should drop subtle hints that you're interested instead of asking him out outright.

 

But like you said, he's shy and socially awkward so he might not get those hints. He may very well think that you're not interested. A more socially aware guy and confident guy would take your message as a sign of interest. This guy may not have, but he showed interest by messaging you first.

 

In this case, I think you should go for it. However, if you do go for it, this may start a trend for the future.

 

It really depends on what you want: a nice guy with similar interests.....or a guy that is willing to pursue that may not be so nice or have similar interests. It's up to you.

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Men can overanalye too, especially me! Saying you're busy and hope you're enjoying summer wuould have me thinking you're not interested for some reason...

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The only man who pursued me very intensely in the past few months was an extremely hot, exactly my type (blonde/blue eyed, taller than 6ft), 10 yrs younger guy, who was clear that only wanted an ONS because he kept escalating into sexting all the time and/or bringing up my various hm..physical attributes, and kept wanting to see me "now, now, now", which I know what it means. This one was fun, and I was the one who fell on my butt when I met him LOL, he was using PUA, negging, push-pull, everything, I recognized everything, just had fun with it though for a little bit, about 2 wks and met him twice. I don't regret the experience, enjoyed it, mildly regret not going for the ONS.:laugh: Just because I never done one and was a chicken. Should I have done it? I will always wonder :p

 

The rest were just...meh about me, usually I got the second date though, just not the third (only once a third). So hot pursuit doesn't necessary mean the most "clean" intentions. But I'd love me some hot pursuit with the right intentions. Hard to come by. Not yet here. If not, I'd settle with mild pursuit and the right intentions. Gah...when? I guess when it's meant to be.

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First, kudos to giving the guy a chance. I really admire your ability to not follow the crowd. You are one of the few female posters here that seems like a genuinely good person. I'm sure you'll be successful in dating. :)

.

 

Thanks for saying that.

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outsidethebox

enjoy the summer future tense, I agree.

 

enjoying the summer present tense I disagree.

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Men can overanalye too, especially me! Saying you're busy and hope you're enjoying summer wuould have me thinking you're not interested for some reason...

 

You know that when I first thought about messaging him, reading that post about girls not giving a chance to awkward guys, one reason was that I thought about EXACTLY the fact that I said "enjoy the summer" and he might have interpreted it as "hasta la vista baby"??? funny you said that. Really funny! You're throwing me off here lol

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curlygirl40
Men can overanalye too, especially me! Saying you're busy and hope you're enjoying summer wuould have me thinking you're not interested for some reason...

 

This was exactly my thought.

 

Your e-mail back to him didn't ask him any questions, didn't even let him know you might wait until he asks you out to see the movie you both want to see, you just said 'I'll see when I can catch it'. You told him to enjoy the summer like you had no plans on seeing him, like, ever.

 

I agree with the not chasing thing and even a shy guy will ask a girl out if he really wants to go out with her, but I think you gave him NOTHING to go on with your e-mail reply. Yes, you replied. One might think ball is in his court.

 

But to me your e-mail seemed like a 'you don't have to go home but you can't stay here' type of message. Sorry buddy, nice knowing you kinda thing.

 

You said you were very busy, said you were going to catch that movie, and told him to buzz off.

 

So maybe don't ask him out but yet e-mail again just so he knows there might be some interest?

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Hm....I'll wait to see if anyone has other views on this now, and might consider a how are you message....

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Cutiepie1976

No, I wouldn't ask him out. I wouldn't pursue this any further. But that's me.

 

It wasn't the best email, but it didn't say, not interested. It was neutral, which given that you aren't attracted to him, should come as no surprise. We tell people how we really feel in lots of little ways even when we try to hide it.

 

Has this been your only communication with him since the date? How did the date end? Has he picked up the phone and called at any point?

 

My read: You're not interested. He's not that interested either. You're both ambivalent at best. That's a bad combination. Guys (shy or not) are very aggressive in their pursuit after a date, even if you give them nothing, if they really like you. They can't help themselves when they are very interested IME. Think Mr. ONS without all the innuendo about coming over for sex right now.

 

You can send this guy a flirty email or text if you like. That might net you a second date, but I'd be a little surprised if it goes much further than that.

 

There will be no confusion or struggle when there's a real connection. I'm not a fan of wasting time with Mr. Ambivalent, trying to finagle him into more dates. It still goes nowhere. Have you ever had it turn out differently when he didn't seem to care? There are opportunity costs associated with pursuing guys who are barely interested, the biggest of which is that it distracts you from finding someone who is a good fit and who is genuinely interested in you. You don't have to get everything "just right" when there is genuine interest.

 

Let us know how it turns out in a month.

Edited by Cutiepie1976
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No, I wouldn't ask him out. I wouldn't pursue this any further. But that's me.

 

It wasn't the best email, but it didn't say, not interested. It was neutral, which given that you aren't attracted to him, should come as no surprise. We tell people how we really feel in lots of little ways even when we try to hide it.

 

Has this been your only communication with him since the date? How did the date end? Has he picked up the phone and called at any point?

 

My read: You're not interested. He's not that interested either. You're both ambivalent at best. That's a bad combination. Guys (shy or not) are very aggressive in their pursuit after a date, even if you give them nothing, if they really like you. They can't help themselves when they are very interested IME. Think Mr. ONS without all the innuendo about coming over for sex right now.

 

You can send this guy a flirty email or text if you like. That might net you a second date, but I'd be a little surprised if it goes much further than that.

 

There will be no confusion or struggle when there's a real connection. I'm not a fan of wasting time with Mr. Ambivalent, trying to finagle him into more dates. It still goes nowhere. Have you ever had it turn out differently when he didn't seem to care? There are opportunity costs associated with pursuing guys who are barely interested, the biggest of which is that it distracts you from finding someone who is a good fit and who is genuinely interested in you. You don't have to get everything "just right" when there is genuine interest.

 

Let us know how it turns out in a month.

 

You have very valid points, that's how I usually think, yet, I sometimes can't stop myself from thinking that this kind of blind dating is too artificial and people need more than one meeting to know if they like each other or not. I know when I definitely DO NOT like someone. It is true that once I knew I did like someone from the first time :) But I also think with shy people there are additional challenges.

 

I heard somewhere of a couple who met and decided to meet a minimum of 3 times before they decide if they want to pursue something or not. I didn't have a lot of experience, my only relationship was from when I was 19 yo, but even then, my ex husband pursued me, but not day 1 he saw me, things developed over like 3 months when he really started pursuing. So I'm a bit conflicted.

 

indeed, with the young guy, I turned him down for a date, he was upset, but came back 24h later and was extremely persistent. On the date, I was neutral, I pulled away from the hug at the end, he kissed me, I didn't kiss him back, he still came strong after, day and night with now now now, "why did you go to Walmart and didn't invite me?":laugh: That was a funny one. Anyway, but this one was very very far from shy.

 

It indeed never worked out so far when I pushed a little to allow the man to start the chase.

 

This one subject did call before the first date, yes, that's how he asked me out first time. Now, after these comments, I emailed him a "how are you, what are the plans next week, did you get the chance to see any of those movies?". Oh well, you are right, don't think this one will go too far. But I can say that I did what I could and even if I go out with him one more time, so what? It's not like I'll spend a weekend away on him lol

 

The whole dating thing is quite complicated, the rules with the man having to pursue are pretty clear in my mind, yet, I can't stop and think that sometimes real life has more nuances. Maybe I'm wrong. So far I was wrong.

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OK, this is the response I got, my friends:

 

"Hi Blu, I'm doing well. Actually just finished with volunteer work for the food bank, I might even be in the background of a new 18 report tonight. The Pines movie is gone. I may try to catch a matinee of Iron Man and then an early dinner at The Black Sparrow if I get a bit of yard work done. Next week looks to be a normal week with work and a few trips to the gym."

 

OK, so I think I gave enough chances, there is nothing here, here's where it stops.

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OK, this is the response I got, my friends:

 

"Hi Blu, I'm doing well. Actually just finished with volunteer work for the food bank, I might even be in the background of a new 18 report tonight. The Pines movie is gone. I may try to catch a matinee of Iron Man and then an early dinner at The Black Sparrow if I get a bit of yard work done. Next week looks to be a normal week with work and a few trips to the gym."

 

OK, so I think I gave enough chances, there is nothing here, here's where it stops.

 

Ah well. Nothing lost there!

 

Unless that guy is reaaaaaaly shy and was very subtly hinting he's open by saying "next week looks be a normal week." But that'd be pretty lame if he is.

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Ah well. Nothing lost there!

 

Unless that guy is reaaaaaaly shy and was very subtly hinting he's open by saying "next week looks be a normal week." But that'd be pretty lame if he is.

 

Yeah, just forget him, no problem for me. I don't think he was hinting anything.

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I'm sorry but why would you have a stupid rule like not asking anyone out.

 

 

That sounds just downright lazy, and how do you expect your romantic life to go anywhere if you refuse to even breathe life into it?

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I think I hinted plenty that I would like to go out with him again. He is not biting.

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