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Struggling with lifestyle differences - give in or give up?


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Greetings!

 

My relationship is starting to fall apart so I'm hoping to get some insight on if it's me who should chill out or we are just not meant to be.

 

- Background

We're both around 30 and have been dating for one year and a half, moved in together about 3 months ago. She is my third longest relationship and I'm her longest; she has only been in one other serious relationship and that was 9 years ago. I do feel at times that she is just too used to being single and having things her way, not needing to compromise or take anybody's feelings into account. We are both very serious about our relationship and there is mutual desire to settle down and start a family. She is usually very affectionate and has been supportive during a difficult time in which I was between jobs, so brownie points there.

 

- The issues

Drinking / Staying out late:

She has something alcoholic (can of beer or glass of wine) pretty much every single day and when she goes out (at least once a week), she'll have 4~8 drinks. She is right at the limit or exceeds a bit most healthy drinking guidelines. She seems to be unable to go more than a week without going out to drink, its even more frequent if I am out of town, which does bother me. When we go out, 95% of time its to places she wants to go and to meet her friends. I've been trying to suggest outdoor activities during daytime, sports, arts, reading... I say I want us to have a more balanced life but eventually she just gets frustrated and claims she cannot do her "thing".

 

To be fair, she has only been really wasted once since we've been dating, but several times tipsy, especially when I'm not around. My concern is not her cheating on me, but rather her getting into trouble due to alcohol induced impairments (which did happen before we met) and her habit possibly evolving to alcoholism, as she seems to have increased her drinking after toning down the weed (more below). Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I picture people in serious relationship (regardless of male or female) as being more low key and home/family oriented, not drinking till late at a meat market...

 

Smoking:

I don't date smokers and I made it clear since day one. She told me she was a smoker for many years but quit a year before we met, however still smokes a cigarette once in a blue moon, which is ok for me. During the first year we dated, I can think of only 4 or 5 times she smoked, always one cigarette, and it was not a issue.

 

But in the past 6 months, after befriending a heavy smoker she'd smoke several cigarettes every time she went out. This smoker friend recently quit and my gf said she wouldn't smoke anymore too. About 10 days ago, she decides to start smoking again and buys a pack of cigarettes, to my total dismay. The next night, after another late night out with booze, weed and cigarettes, she announces she will quit smoking. Well, she still claims she did quit, but smoked twice since then (in her nights out) and shows no real desire to quit for good. Her reasoning is that she "quit smoking but will smoke whenever she feels like it, especially when drinking". And considering the frequency she drinks, I'm struggling to tell myself she is not a real smoker...

 

Marijuana:

For the time being this is not an big issue, but it was a major one before. Briefly after we started dating, she told me she was a casual user, but it turned out she was a major pothead, smoking everyday and multiple times a day during weekends. Though I don't do it, I don't consider weed a proper drug either, but it did gave her mood swings and also meant that many of our "dates" consisted of her getting high, staring lifeless at the TV or simply passing out, not exactly my idea of quality time. She'd be always lazy and constantly depressed.

 

Fast forward through several big arguments over the issue, she told me out of the blue that she would quit, which was an extremely pleasant surprise for me. I did say I couldn't be with her if she didn't tone it down, but never "forced" her to quit.

 

Things were going great for 2 months and I had to travel abroad for work. She later reveals that she smoked weed while I was gone, claiming she only said she would stop because she "felt under pressure" and didn't actually meant it. I explained that she should have talked to me before unilaterally voiding the agreement, as I expect agreements to be honored. But life goes on as she does indeed drastically reduce her weed intake and the mood swings are mostly gone. However, she seems simply incapable of saying no to weed and I wonder if she will be able to stop if needed (pregnancy, job with drug tests, etc).

 

- Where we stand

We are starting to fall out of love and I don't really know what else to do. We do have many points in common and usually get along well, but in the last few months our differences have been overshadowing everything else. She's overall a great person so I really want things to work out, but it takes two to tango and she seems to be unwilling to compromise any further. She has actually said twice recently: "I will do whatever I want to do and you just have to learn to accept it". Later she'll be sweet and say she does want us to work out, but I think deep inside that's what she really means as she will just keep doing things without much regards to what I think.

 

Its also becoming increasingly hard to discuss anything. She deals with issues by withdrawing/going out to drink/getting high and pretending things are fine the next day. But they are not. Sweeping the problems under the rug no longer works for me and I am sad to think that walking away is the best solution. I don't expect her to give up the things I listed above, at the same time I think she's overdoing it and a balance needs to be found for this to become a healthy relationship. Again, maybe I am just being too uptight about it.

 

Am I being "uptight" and "controlling" or is she not ready for a serious committed relationship?

 

Is it fair to think that trust has been compromised due to her not honoring her own commitments or I am taking things way too seriously? (She is otherwise very honest)

 

What would be a fair and respectful compromise for our differences?

 

Thanks

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I hate to say this, but your post reads as if you are dating my current GF 10 years from now. Really creepy...

 

I'm in an LDR with her right now though we spent a considerable amount of time together, you find my thread about her on my user page.

 

Like you I'm currently pondering whether to leave her or not, and if not now, what hard limit I should set for her. And I know I have to set one because we are having issues and I forgave her a dozen times but none of her promises - exactly as in your case - are ever fulfilled. Drug use, going out, laziness and brushing serious problems under the rug, the exact same issues.

 

I'm in the second half of my 20s, she's 21. We're official for a bit less than a year. Like your girl, mine very often seems to only care about her needs and her whims. What's most troubling: She claims to have nothing but love for me and never wants to hurt me (ever again). I've heard this phrase at least 5 times the last 3 months.

 

But she keeps doing things that are flat out disrespectful and hurtful (calling me names, not replying to messages while expecting me to be very responsive, missing appointments, etc). Whenever this happens, we fight, she agrees that she'd done wrong, apologizes and promises to change. And then it happens again.

 

I'm guessing like you, you've grown tired of getting your hopes up after reconciliation and mutual promises and then get disappointed again.

 

Like you I don't force her to quit any drug use for myself. But I obviously care about the fact that her use of marijuana damages her relationships (not only with me) and that her academic and professional performance is less than what she's capable of.

 

I like about my girl that she's more relaxed, goofy at times, more outgoing and probably warmer than I am. But at the same time, I see I'm making her unhappy because to her it looks like I'm all serious, cold and stubborn. Though I tried hard to make it clear to her that I don't police her, I don't force her to do anything. But when something happens that I find hurtful or disrespectful I have to tell her.

 

Right now, again like you, I worry that I'm falling out of love. And maybe she is too. As she is so young she may be telling me all the sweet stuff because she doesn't know yet, or bc she's unwilling to admit it to herself. And I'm hanging on to the RS because I hope things turn around. It sure does look bad and it sure as hell hurts a lot because she was my dream girl and we got really close. I also got kind of close to her family.

 

So I don't have much advice for you, but at least you know you're not the only one dealing with this kind of situation.

 

All the best, and let us know how it goes on.

 

umirano

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Yeah, I stand corrected.

 

I do have advice for you

 

After one of the more recent fights I told her I need her to do one thing for me: Follow through with your promises or don't make them in the first place.

 

That day she was in a very bad state, questioning her whole life basically. She asked me whether there are other things driving me away from her. I said it doesn't matter. All I want is this, the basics need to be fixed first. And I don't want to hear a single promise anymore unless if she knows she can fulfill it.

 

That reduces the disappointment for me (from all the unfulfilled promises) and it takes away the pressure from her having to reach unrealistic goals.

 

But this agreement is in place only for a bit more than a week, so I don't have any data on how successful it is. So far so good, but it's a very short period.

 

IHTH,

 

umirano

Edited by umirano
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Wow, she sounds like quite a prize! I think that would be too much for me in a partner. I would suggest to cut your losses, you are too different and things will not improve down the road.

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She sounds like some of my exes. Might be a good time to cut your losses, she's not on the same page.

 

If a girl hasn't cut some of the nonsense out of her life by her mid to late 20s, there's little chance I would have a serious relationshkip with her.

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Sorry to say that your expectations are not that extreme, and she is never going to meet them. The strongest evidence of that is her stating that she only agree to some things because she "felt pressured". These are deal breakers, and she's not even compromising.

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OP, sorry to say those are major issues that will get worst over time. You have to confront her about it! Perhaps if she goes out and drink/smoking pot, go out with her so that way she will feel uncomfortable around you look over her shoulders? This may prompt her to stop?

 

Unless you confront this early! It will be too late if you marry her and start having kids with her...Then your in a world of a mess!

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serial muse

I think that the fact that she is now digging in her heels ("this is me, accept it") highlights the basic issue: you guys simply aren't compatible long-term. I hesitate to call anyone the bad guy - my read on this is that no one's being controlling, or unfaithful, or an outright jerk. She shouldn't make promises she doesn't intend to keep, absolutely - but then, she's clearly unhappy with the thought of changing her lifestyle to accommodate you, and I don't think judging that lifestyle is going to make that happen or make anybody more likely to fall back in love.

 

You want what you want, and she wants what she wants, and it doesn't have to be that either you're uptight/controlling or she's not ready for a committed relationship - you just have different visions of what that ought to look like and what you'd each be comfortable with. Sometimes people just really aren't right for each other; it cuts down a lot on the blaming and animosity and recriminations and accusations, on both sides, if you just look at it that way.

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KraftDinner

You asked if you thought she wasn't ready to have a serious relationship, but that implies the belief that you think everyone progresses along the same linear path to maturity and that she'll grow out of it.

 

Not so. I believe you are describing a person with a totally different lifestyle. Not a good one IMHO, but many live like this and are okay with it.

 

You need more of a homebody to keep you happy. She would probably like a more social guy.

 

It's a compatability thing.

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salparadise

Yea, she's not meeting your criteria for a life partner, both with regard to the substance use/abuse and on being good for her word. Here's my take on it... people fall into two main groups, those who have integrity as an essential component of their core being, and those who do not but understand that it's a societal expectation and do a fair job of wearing a veneer of integrity most of the time. Actuality there's a third group, sociopaths, but we're not talking about that. Those who wear the veneer end up being in a squeeze a lot of the time and are often masterful at making excuses, blameshifting, and finding ways to justify reneging on obligations. This is not something a person can change just through intention. It's a character trait that is established in earlier developmental periods.

 

It can also be viewed from the perspective of Kohlberg's stages of moral development- which basically says that the most evolved people do what's right simply because it's right, whereas less developed people do what's right either to avoid consequences or for social acceptance.

 

The school of hard knocks and some reading in the social sciences has taught me to evaluate this characteristic immediately upon meeting a potential dating partner, and to make it the absolute #1 deal breaker.

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Your girlfriend may have bad habits but so do you -- dating her. This relationship has run its course. Sounds like you are afraid of change and to be alone. But if you are with her you won't be able to meet anyone better.

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FitChick, while I agree with you on not being able to meet someone new I think it's all right to give someone a last chance. In the OP's case though the girl is already older, which makes me less hopeful for her to change. And in my case the girl is pretty young, but I'm not sure whether that should really make me any more hopeful...

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desperategirl

Hi, sorry to hear your dilemma. Been there, it sucks.

 

The one thing that really rings alarm bells for me is that she won't discuss things. You can't have a relationship with someone who can't, or won't talk.

 

Just my two cents though.

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Hi, sorry to hear your dilemma. Been there, it sucks.

 

The one thing that really rings alarm bells for me is that she won't discuss things. You can't have a relationship with someone who can't, or won't talk.

 

Just my two cents though.

If you notice, every time they talk about things, it's his way. After awhile, why talk about things if there's only one path to living?

 

She sounds like a sensation seeker, probably someone who lacks discipline in other aspects of her life. Sensation makes her happy.

 

You on the other hand, are all about discipline.

 

I'd say this relationship is headed for far worse times if you continue. There's plenty room for more resentment building when people try to change each other's core personalities, to fit their own concept of how people should behave.

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Thanks for everybody who replied! I agree with many of the points that have been raised.

Deep inside I did feel parting our ways was the best solution, but I still wanted to have unbiased opinions as to whether I was being too picky and demanding, because some of her comments make me feel like a caveman who drags his woman by the hair... Seems I'm not the only one who feels that her lifestyle is not conducive to settling down/having a family.

 

mtber75: when go out, it's pretty much always to do things she wants. She might tone down while I'm there, but its back to full power when I'm gone. I don't want her to hide things from me, if she wants to do it, I'd rather her do it with me there.

 

It's over now. She's been back in her hometown in the past 2 weeks visiting her family and I just today found out she's been been meeting a male friend to get "blazed" together, when she led me to believe they were just hanging out for coffee and dinner. I believe in working out things, but I agree its time to cut my losses. I feel I am no longer able to fully trust her anymore so I don't see the point of continuing this.

 

Umirano: good luck with your girlfriend. Hopefully your ending will be different from mine.

 

Learn and move on...

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Standard-Fare

Hauer, have you officially broken things off with her? (Is this trip she's taking a post-breakup thing?)

 

I do think drinking/drug issues can be relationship dealbreakers. It's not a question of whether her lifestyle is "wrong," it's that it doesn't work for you. And it forces you into the role of uptight/controlling nag, and that's no good. I had to end a previous relationship because I was forced into that role and it made me feel terrible about myself.

 

As someone else also mentioned, your ages are relevant here. If she was 21, this could be something she'd grow out of. At 30, it's more of an engrained lifestyle and she would have to make conscious decisions and changes herself to get herself out of it. Some people just live like that for their entire lives.

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