Boyfriend always cancels our plans, I feel lonely

[Notthisagain34]

Hey, so I'm a 23 year old female and my boyfriend is a 26 year old male. We have been going out a month, he is a really sweet guy and I've fallen hard for him. I'm falling in love with him, he has a lot of goals in life and is a wonderful person. He has surprised me my taking me out to events that I wanted to go to, and taking me out to eat many times. But there is one part of our relationship that signals a trouble sign to me...

 

We rarely see each other, and he sends few messages/texts when we don't see each other. He canceled our day together today, since he is sick (understandable). I went home early last night since he said he needed time to himself (understandable), after we saw each other for a day (which was the first time since last Sunday). He's canceled 5 or 6 other times throughout our first month together, while I haven't canceled once (and have made the initiative on most of our plans). I feel like if I don't make the initative, we would see each other once a week and he would only send a few messages throughout the week to check up on me. I feel like I'm putting more into this than he is, and I'm worried because he is leaving for 2 months over the summer for an internship, so I've really wanted to spend time with him during the "honeymoon" period. I wouldn't be as worried if it weren't for that looming over our heads, since I know it's only been a month.

 

Are my insecurities justified? I admit, I have a lot of issues and a lot of them stem from being lonely throughout my life, so it makes the situation much more unbearable when I can't see him for 5 or 6 days, and he isn't the type to send "good morning" texts just to check up on me.

 

He is a wonderful person and I don't think he's doing it on purpose, I know he has issues as well. I know he's an introvert and he has a lot of work to do in his life. But I'd rather spend 3-5 days a week with him (even if it's juts for a couple of hours each day), and keep in contact regularly throughout the week than see each other once or twice a week and do something more extravagant (he has bought tickets to events for me which is really nice but I don't care so much about that, I just want to spend time with him). I don't think I can stay in a relationship if this is how it's going to be, we see each other once a week, I have to push the initiative to talk/see him, and he cancels half our plans...

Edited April 15, 2013 by Notthisagain34

[TKizz]

Well, from the way you wrote this I can definitely tell that you're falling hard for him, as you said. =) But maybe too hard? You sound extremely emotionally invested in this considering that you've only been dating for a month, and it sounds like he might not know how invested you are or isn't quite as invested as you.

 

I know you want to spend time together, but maybe you should slow it down? The fact that you're the one who usually initiates plans also makes you look kind of needy and extremely available, which might scare him off a little too. What if you were unavailable or busy? Plus if you actually were, it might take your mind off of it and you wouldn't be keeping tabs on how long it's been since you last saw each other...=D It'll make you happier and he'll probably see that and want to be a part of your life a little bit more.

 

Have you talked with him about the level of seriousness that the relationship is on, or are you more assuming that he feels the exact same way about you as you do for him?

[Notthisagain34]

Well, from the way you wrote this I can definitely tell that you're falling hard for him, as you said. =) But maybe too hard? You sound extremely emotionally invested in this considering that you've only been dating for a month, and it sounds like he might not know how invested you are or isn't quite as invested as you.

 

I know you want to spend time together, but maybe you should slow it down? The fact that you're the one who usually initiates plans also makes you look kind of needy and extremely available, which might scare him off a little too. What if you were unavailable or busy? Plus if you actually were, it might take your mind off of it and you wouldn't be keeping tabs on how long it's been since you last saw each other...=D It'll make you happier and he'll probably see that and want to be a part of your life a little bit more.

 

Have you talked with him about the level of seriousness that the relationship is on, or are you more assuming that he feels the exact same way about you as you do for him?

 

Yeah, I was afraid of that. I admit this is my first relationship and I'm very broken mentally. I admit I can come off as needy and I have already told him I love him, so I haven't said anything to him about how I feel yet (the feeling lonely part). Especially since I know he is only canceling plans due to him being tired, needing to get work done, one time he just forgot, etc.

[Treasa]

he is a really sweet guy and I've fallen hard for him. I'm falling in love with him, he has a lot of goals in life and is a wonderful person.

 

You can't already know all this. Some of my worst boyfriends seemed like the best things ever in the beginning. You've hardly spent any time with this guy.

 

I think you'd be better served spending time single and working on fixing your insecurity issues. You'll be in a much better place to know what's acceptable and what isn't. And being cancelled on that many times is not acceptable. If that's what he's doing during the honeymoon phase, things are not going to end well.

[Notthisagain34]

You can't already know all this. Some of my worst boyfriends seemed like the best things ever in the beginning. You've hardly spent any time with this guy.

 

I think you'd be better served spending time single and working on fixing your insecurity issues. You'll be in a much better place to know what's acceptable and what isn't. And being cancelled on that many times is not acceptable. If that's what he's doing during the honeymoon phase, things are not going to end well.

 

To be honest, only one of the times he cancelled was a bull**** reason (he fell asleep and never texted me to let me know he wouldn't be coming, that freaked me out that night). The other times were all times when he had work to do for school (I know this is legit), and today when he was sick (he was starting to cough yesterday). I know he means well, but I guess it's still hurtful.

[clia]

It's been a month; you need to chill out.

 

I'm confused by your post, though. First you say he's taken you out to eat many times, then in the next breath you say you rarely see each other.

 

Define "rarely." How many times have you seen him in the 30 days you've been dating?

 

What I'm trying to get at is whether your expectations reasonable. You mention wanting to see him 3-5 times a week. Three times might be reasonable at this point; five might not -- particularly at this stage in the relationship for an introvert. I'm an introvert and I don't have a problem going a day or two without talking to my boyfriend. I like my alone time. Maybe he is the same way? Maybe he needs some time to adjust to being in a relationship? To me, five days a week seems like a lot for a month into the relationship.

 

Now, his cancelling on you 5-6 times is something else entirely. Did he have good (like, really good, as in great) reason to cancel? That's what should concern you. If you are the one making the majority of the effort, he may not be that into you. You may be best served by pulling back. With an introvert, any pressure by you to spend more time together can be really off putting and only end up pushing him away. It may be that you just aren't compatible. You may need to be with someone who wants to see you more.

[TKizz]

Yeah, I was afraid of that. I admit this is my first relationship and I'm very broken mentally. I admit I can come off as needy and I have already told him I love him, so I haven't said anything to him about how I feel yet (the feeling lonely part). Especially since I know he is only canceling plans due to him being tired, needing to get work done, one time he just forgot, etc.

 

Your first relationship? Hmm, I thought all this sounded familiar...xD You sound like I did in MY first relationship!

 

I met this guy online, and we REALLY hit it off. He said 'I love you' after the first day, which...scared me...but I said it back because I was 16 and I didn't want to hurt his feelings because I really liked him. Well, that made it really easy for me to fall hard for him because he'd already said it, so I became...well, kind of obsessed. Things were great for the first 2 months, and then the same thing started happening where he'd cancel plans and have excuses like 'not enough gas money' or 'not enough time,' etc. I forgave them blindly because I had no reason to believe I was coming on too strong or anything like that.

 

ANYWHO, he wanted to take "a break," which meant breaking up but that he didn't have the balls to do so. I pined over him and was heartbroken...my obsession became just pathetic and sad. But lo and behold, when I'd moved on, guess who all of a sudden was in love with me and made a huge mistake?

 

Just sayin', don't give all of yourself to this man so soon, and talk with him...not about feeling lonely, because he probably can't understand that and it will drive him away further, but just about where you BOTH stand and maybe that you'd like to hang out a little more frequently from time to time?

[Notthisagain34]

It's been a month; you need to chill out.

 

I'm confused by your post, though. First you say he's taken you out to eat many times, then in the next breath you say you rarely see each other.

 

Define "rarely." How many times have you seen him in the 30 days you've been dating?

 

What I'm trying to get at is whether your expectations reasonable. You mention wanting to see him 3-5 times a week. Three times might be reasonable at this point; five might not -- particularly at this stage in the relationship for an introvert. I'm an introvert and I don't have a problem going a day or two without talking to my boyfriend. I like my alone time. Maybe he is the same way? Maybe he needs some time to adjust to being in a relationship? To me, five days a week seems like a lot for a month into the relationship.

 

Now, his cancelling on you 5-6 times is something else entirely. Did he have good (like, really good, as in great) reason to cancel? That's what should concern you. If you are the one making the majority of the effort, he may not be that into you. You may be best served by pulling back. With an introvert, any pressure by you to spend more time together can be really off putting and only end up pushing him away. It may be that you just aren't compatible. You may need to be with someone who wants to see you more.

 

When he sees me, he tends to try to take me out to eat a lot, he kind of splurges on me. He always wants to pay for me.

 

I understand that 5 may be a lot, which is why I haven't said anything. I'm trying to work out my feelings too, and know that I have a bad tendency to feel needy and so I don't act out on my feelings. But then they build up so I posted here.

 

I'm afraid of that being the case. I never make him feel bad for canceling plans or not wanting to hang out, it's just that I'd like to know I can see him a few times a week at least (especially seeing I won't be able to see him for 2 months starting in late May).

[Notthisagain34]

Your first relationship? Hmm, I thought all this sounded familiar...xD You sound like I did in MY first relationship!

 

I met this guy online, and we REALLY hit it off. He said 'I love you' after the first day, which...scared me...but I said it back because I was 16 and I didn't want to hurt his feelings because I really liked him. Well, that made it really easy for me to fall hard for him because he'd already said it, so I became...well, kind of obsessed. Things were great for the first 2 months, and then the same thing started happening where he'd cancel plans and have excuses like 'not enough gas money' or 'not enough time,' etc. I forgave them blindly because I had no reason to believe I was coming on too strong or anything like that.

 

ANYWHO, he wanted to take "a break," which meant breaking up but that he didn't have the balls to do so. I pined over him and was heartbroken...my obsession became just pathetic and sad. But lo and behold, when I'd moved on, guess who all of a sudden was in love with me and made a huge mistake?

 

Just sayin', don't give all of yourself to this man so soon, and talk with him...not about feeling lonely, because he probably can't understand that and it will drive him away further, but just about where you BOTH stand and maybe that you'd like to hang out a little more frequently from time to time?

 

I like your post, thank you. I know I'm probably making "rookie" mistakes, so I appreciate your prospective into the situation.

[FitChick]

Have you had sex already?

[KatZee]

I would move cautiously in this relationship.

 

I get you think you feel strongly, but this isn't love. You barely know him enough to know if you could love him. Love means knowing the good along with the bad, and choosing to work through the problems regardless. Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice.

 

What you feel now is lust and infatuation.

 

Also, you've been dating a mere month, and have only seen him once a week. So that's what? 4 times? He's also bailing on you for no real reason, and not even having the decency to inform you.

 

These are the actions of a guy who's "just not that into you." He's putting in the bare minimum. A guy who's really into you, is going to go above and beyond and he's going to really show you through action, that he's into you and wants to be with you.

 

I'm not seeing any of that here.

 

Back off. Stop texting and calling him. Stop asking him to hang out. Just completely fall back and let him pursue you. Let him wonder why you're not falling all over yourself to see him or anything.

[Notthisagain34]

Have you had sex already?

 

A few times, though I feel like I have to instigate any make out/sex sessions.

[Notthisagain34]

I would move cautiously in this relationship.

 

I get you think you feel strongly, but this isn't love. You barely know him enough to know if you could love him. Love means knowing the good along with the bad, and choosing to work through the problems regardless. Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice.

 

What you feel now is lust and infatuation.

 

Also, you've been dating a mere month, and have only seen him once a week. So that's what? 4 times? He's also bailing on you for no real reason, and not even having the decency to inform you.

 

These are the actions of a guy who's "just not that into you." He's putting in the bare minimum. A guy who's really into you, is going to go above and beyond and he's going to really show you through action, that he's into you and wants to be with you.

 

I'm not seeing any of that here.

 

Back off. Stop texting and calling him. Stop asking him to hang out. Just completely fall back and let him pursue you. Let him wonder why you're not falling all over yourself to see him or anything.

 

We had one week were we saw each other 3 or 4 times, and another week were we saw each other twice. So maybe 8 or 9 times total, I'm not sure. But We often can only see each other for a limited time, so I try to see him several times a week, due to our busy schedules.

 

I don't text/call him all the time, maybe a couple of times a day on average, more like a "how's your day" going thing.

 

Yeah, I'm probably going to back off and let him pursue me more. I'm just tired of making plans and having them sacked for whatever reason, it's too exhausting for me when I have so many issues in my personal life that have nothing to do with him. If I get the feeling that he isn't trying to hang out/see each other much, I'll have a serious talk after a few weeks, and if things still didn't change then I'd probably break up with him before he leaves in late May (unfortunately )

[Brunettie]

This is kind of a tricky situation..

You don't want to appear needy and clingy, but you want to see him often (which is understandable, due to him about to leave for 2 months).

 

I definitely think you should talk to him about it in a non threatening way.

Let him know that it's important that you spend time together now, because in a few weeks, he's going to be gone for 2 months and you won't see him.

 

It might have to do with him being shy.. but I don't know..

At one month, you should still be in the honeymoon period, as you stated.

Things should be new and exciting and you shouldn't be able to get enough of each other, want to talk to each other as much as possible, see each other as much as possible, etc.

 

Has it always been like it is now? Or was there a time when you both couldn't get enough of each other, he sent the sweet texts, wanted to see you a lot. I know you said you initiate most of the plans.

 

You also said you initiate most of the makeout/sex sessions.. Does that bother you that it's normally you initiating? Maybe let him know that you feel like you're the on always initiating everything and he's hardly initiating anything. Let him know how you feel.

The most important things in a relationship are trust and communication. Those go hand in hand. You can't communicate effectively with him if you don't trust him with your feelings and emotions, and you can't trust him with those things unless there is open communication.

[rocketman122]

I think you may be choking him. slow down. youre very needy but its understandable as its your first relationship. I myself dont have an issue with needy women, but other men might. do some activities, get a hobby, hang out more with your friends.

[Notthisagain34]

This is kind of a tricky situation..

You don't want to appear needy and clingy, but you want to see him often (which is understandable, due to him about to leave for 2 months).

 

Yes I would be less worried about seeing him more often if he wasn't leaving for those 2 months.

 

I definitely think you should talk to him about it in a non threatening way.

Let him know that it's important that you spend time together now, because in a few weeks, he's going to be gone for 2 months and you won't see him.

 

I will try to do that.

 

It might have to do with him being shy.. but I don't know..

At one month, you should still be in the honeymoon period, as you stated.

Things should be new and exciting and you shouldn't be able to get enough of each other, want to talk to each other as much as possible, see each other as much as possible, etc.

 

Has it always been like it is now? Or was there a time when you both couldn't get enough of each other, he sent the sweet texts, wanted to see you a lot. I know you said you initiate most of the plans.

 

He asked me out unexpectedly, I said yes after being a little unsure at first. After asking me out though, I've done most of the initiating with regards to sweet talk, hanging out, and making out. However, he usually plans for us to do something on a Saturday or Sunday (going to an event in the major city near us, for example).

 

You also said you initiate most of the makeout/sex sessions.. Does that bother you that it's normally you initiating? Maybe let him know that you feel like you're the on always initiating everything and he's hardly initiating anything. Let him know how you feel.

 

It doesn't bother me too much, but it does bother me a little. I think he's very shy.

[Notthisagain34]

I think you may be choking him. slow down. youre very needy but its understandable as its your first relationship. I myself dont have an issue with needy women, but other men might. do some activities, get a hobby, hang out more with your friends.

 

I'm afraid of that too, but I won't be able to see him for two months starting in late May, so I want to see him a lot right now.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Poor guy. You need to relax and give the guy some space, OP.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, it's hard when it's your first relationship and you generally feel lonely.

The best thing to do is what others have suggested - give him some breathing room and let him chase you a bit. If you don't, you may find yourself single again soon.

 

If he's truly an introvert and usually likes alone time, give some to him. Just don't make excuses for him if he generally blows you off; that signals a lack of interest, not introversion.