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Divorced boyfriend still looking...why?


juliecain

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I have been living with my boyfriend about 6 months since his divorce became final. He is not a player and came from a marriage with an adultress wife. I recently discovered some computer dating activity and confronted him. He denied it but I kept on with my proof while he kept denying. Finally, he didn't know why he did it except to feel somewhat needed and have excitement. Has closed it down and I can't find anymore unusual activity. Will it just take time before he's back on it. Could it just have been the divorce and feelings of past rejection haunting him? I never want to lose him and I want to trust him but still have the doubts.

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He's just using you as a rebound to get away from his adulterous ex-wife.

 

 

However there is the possibility that he was the one who cheated on his wife, yes?

 

 

Either way, obviously he can't be trusted if his eyes are already wondering around for his next conquest. If he does this now, how will it be like in the future? A future full of secret affairs kept from you and all of a sudden you end up like one of those stupid wives whose husbands cheated on them behind their back for years?

 

 

Do you want to wake up 25 years later only to find out he's been cheating the whole time?

 

 

 

You have to stand up for your own boundaries. You must place standards. He crossed the line of no return.

 

 

 

-

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So, he was using an OLD account?

 

My first thought was, lile the other poster said, maybe he was the one who cheated on his ex-wife.

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Caryopteris

He may not have taken enough time off from serious relationships after his marriage ended. You shouldn't go from one long-term right into another if you can help it. He should take a year or two and just see what's out there.

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I avoid men who are separated or newly divorced. They need two or three years to get their head screwed on straight. They need play time. However, some men are very needy and will go straight into another relationship during this time and when they feel ready to move forward, will dump you because you saw them at their worst and they don't want to be reminded of a bad time in their lives.

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SilverInkheart99

I feel bad for you. I went through this once! It was so awful! Get counseling as soon as you can if you need it! It took me years to get over the hurt.

 

This might help you... One of my guy friends told me what he went through... He cheated on his wife during his entire marriage, got divorced, met a girl right after that but never felt in-love with her, broke up with her, met someone else, and he finally figured out why he didn't love that rebound girl. He said he just was dealing with so many feelings and couldn't sort them out. He says now when he looks back he was in love with her but at the time there were too many emotions.

 

Sometimes things have to end in their current state to be figured out later on. He might be using you unintentionally. He could have been the one cheating in his marriage. I would try and find out somehow because then you will have proof he is lying to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this!

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Cutiepie1976

Unfortunately, if someone wants to play the field, you can't stop him. He's simply hiding it from you to avoid the "headache" of you flogging a dead horse. He's newly divorced, and he wants to date around. Period. Lecturing him and quizzing him ad nauseum won't change that. Accept it. If you can't, then break up.

 

As others have pointed out, you're in a rebound relationship. Most people have a deep void when their marriage falls apart, and some fill it reflexively. With time, as they work through a mixture of emotions and come to terms with what happened, they no longer need you because the void is largely gone. Their needs change, and along with that, what they want, and who they seek.

 

Date those who are separated or whose divorces have been recently finalized at your own peril. Ditto for being the first post-divorce relationship. You simply help him regain his confidence and transition back to dating and singledom.

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I avoid men who are separated or newly divorced. They need two or three years to get their head screwed on straight. They need play time. However, some men are very needy and will go straight into another relationship during this time and when they feel ready to move forward, will dump you because you saw them at their worst and they don't want to be reminded of a bad time in their lives.

 

FitChick really nailed what I was thinking. I was divorced post an appalling amount of infidelity. For you religious folk she made Hosea's wife look like a saint. The blow to confidence post infidelity is pretty harsh on a man's ego. Online dating (at least for me) was a huge ego boost. However I jumped into a relationship with the first girl who gave me any attention. It ended in disaster and decided I really needed some time to get myself back.

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I am not the first girl...there have been several but I am the first long term. The others he said were just an escape and forget kind of thing. He had no intimacy with them.

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ChessPieceFace

Yet another thread being responded to by telepaths. Amazing how they can so assuredly read people's minds.

 

My SUSPICION is that like some have said, maybe he got into a relationship again too soon and really wants to play the field. Who knows, I'm not like that so I don't understand it very well.

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Ruby Slippers

I've never dated a divorced guy, but one of the most valuable things I've learned on this forum is that it's pretty much never a good idea to date anyone whose divorce went through less than 2 years ago. If you do, you'll most likely be dealing with the fallout from the divorce that takes a long time to resolve - 2 years minimum.

 

If I do consider dating a divorced guy in the future, I won't bother unless his divorce has long passed and he's over it.

 

So now you know he's nowhere near recovered from the divorce AND he's a liar. I don't see a happy future for you with this guy.

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Is he in the D.C. area? Because one of the men I'd been going out with disabled his profile two days ago. My intuition told me he was either had a gf or was primarily looking for a physical hookup, because he'd disappear for days at a time and would only communicate via text/email.

 

I finally called him out on the fact it seemed like all he ever wanted to do was go out for dinner/drinks and go back to his place, and that's not what I'm looking for.

 

He attributed several of his "disappearances" to an ongoing cold - that lasted over a month. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first — I mean, everyone gets sick, it's understandable — but when he kept bringing it up and he'd never coughed ONCE, combined with all the other excuses, it seemed fishy.

 

Anyway, this guy was divorced, too. Claimed to have been separated for 2 years and divorced for 1.5, after which he had a series of flings with "anyone who was not his ex-wife." I have a feeling this guy wasn't done playing the field, and it sounds like your guy isn't, either.

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