The inexperienced guy: how to deal with it

[ThaWholigan]

I first came to this forum to help fellow inexperienced guys - not necessarily on getting girls which I offer tidbits that I personally learn every now and then, but to better deal with their inexperience and lack of dating without driving themselves up the wall!

 

But just to open up the discussion to a central thread, and to offer my own advice as to how to deal with inexperience (yes, I am still relatively inexperienced despite losing the virginity).

 

I took the focus away from girls and placed it upon myself. I decided to rediscover what I loved about the rest of my life. That included focusing more on my making music. I was very lucky that, having been a self-taught pianist since an infant, I had an outlet for my sexual energy sitting under my nose for a long time. Quite recently I have been getting lots of maths/science books and all sorts of educational stuff as I try to gather as much resources as possible to focus my life towards my goals. This was how I did it.

 

I made this thread almost exactly a year ago:

 

OK

 

As most posters know, my dating life is nonexistent and pretty much has been that way all my life. However, I am still pretty happy with my lot . Call it youth (23) or plain delusion, but I do not feel I have much to be disappointed about in life, and perhaps much of my failings have been down to myself, and I own that. Anyway I digress......

 

The purpose of this thread is to just provide an insight into my plan of what I have been doing and also what I'm looking to do that takes my mind off of how badly not dating or not getting laid may be affecting my life. I'm doing this to provide suggestions for anyone else who may need to help cultivate a positive mindset towards life and dating.

 

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What I Do Now:

 

 

1) Chilling with my friends when I can these days. I am fortunate that during my school, college, uni years and many other functions I've been involved in, I have built up a fairly wide social circle. So I tend to talk to them and have fun about a lot of things. I have been a little busy lately so I have cooled in the social activities front, but I have my friends there that I can call upon. I never used to like going out to parties until I got older, now I love it, and I love going with my friends, or on my own as I can build up a new network of friends that way.

 

Also to add to that, I am socializing with new people way more naturally now. I have for a while been very adept at making people feel at ease and, dare I say, I have developed something of a charisma that I didn't foresee myself building, which is heartening.

 

2) Business planning. As finding work is problematic, I figure it would be better for me to go the self-employed route. This has taken up a lot of my time recently, and something I'm becoming very passionate about. I love the idea of starting and creating things from scratch, so the idea of starting a business appeals to me, and I feel I may start more than one at some point.

 

3) Working on my music is extremely therapeutic. It's where I channel most of my energy from my experiences, thoughts and emotions. Whether I'm playing it on the piano or I'm writing it. My poems always reflect part of my psyche, no matter how far removed from my default state of being and I feel it's one of the more healthy ways of dealing with it. Creative expression is good for you IMO. Writing, playing music, acting even, any kind of artistic expression of some sort.

 

What I'm Looking Forward To Doing:

 

1) Improving my physique and athleticism is becoming a central part of my future plans. I'm already aware of how physically capable I could become and much of my focus recently has been putting a plan in place for ensuring I have the time to do this. I'm extremely excited by this because despite the sedentary nature of the last few years of my life, whenever I have been physically active, it has greatly improved my mood in general and I feel much more upbeat. So improving body language, working out, getting fitter and more flexible, learning a martial art and taking up a sport. Just as creative expression is important for working off some of your energy, physical expression is also excellent I understand.

 

2) Learn new hobbies and skills. This also ties in with socializing as going to seminars and classes is a good way of killing two birds with one stone. I want to be able to draw, sing, act, learn more about science and technology and all sorts of other interests. In fact, I think I have too many interests if I'm honest. I'll be sure to take it one at a time.

 

21 days to success. Anyone know about this rule? Where if you do something everyday for 21 days it becomes a habit?? Think this is something I want to implement into my life too.

 

3) Travel. This may surprise some people but, I'm so broke that I've never been on holiday . The only time I've been out of England is for 6 hours I went to France on a one day school trip to Boulogne-sur-la-mere. I think traveling would be great for me, especially being a musician. One of my dreams is to go on a world tour .

 

4) Date more. Obviously. But I figure that the busier and more fruitful my life is, the better my dating life will actually be. My life will hopefully get more fulfilling and I will hopefully become happier and therefore it will be easier for me to cultivate more attractive attributes, ergo I will find is easier to find dates. This is not of complete central importance simply because I'm not doing all of the above simply to have a better dating life, I'm doing it for a better life, period. And a better dating life will probably come as a result of having a better life.

 

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So this is my plan for what I'm doing in the future that I feel negates my lack of a dating life. Anyone else feel free to contribute. Anyone is also free to use what I'm doing as a guideline, it would please me greatly

 

This was my blueprint, and this was what I focused on. It may be different from you - you may still be in education going towards a career of sorts, and you could draw more focus towards that and your career. Finding your passions and what you love. Now in order to improve in terms of dating directly, here was a number of things I did:

 

- Talk to women more frequently, of all kinds. This is still a little difficult for me, but I try. The last girl I dated was just like this, so there is encouragement.

 

- Be bolder with the women I talked to. Say slightly more risque things. Don't supplicate to their opinions to garner favor. Use different words etc. Some stuff I got from PUA (not routines ), other stuff I improvised. The perks of being an actor's son . Take improv classes.

 

- Be slightly more image conscious. Not to turn into a all-out metrosexual, but be aware of how you present yourself. Your outward projection is still important to a degree - but I'm sure I don't need to tell you guys that. You should look at what style and how you put yourself together works for you. I always go smart-casual myself so I'm not outrageous by any means.

 

- Don't take things so seriously. Nuff said.

 

- Have a balanced view on women. Balanced. I love women so much, but I'm not ignorant of some of the bullsh*t that quite a few individual women get up to . Just treat it on a case-by-case basis as opposed to "THESE BITCHES ARE ALL SHALLOW" or whatever it is. Stay balanced.

 

 

That's all I have for now, I'm going back to this composing malarkey - I made a bet with someone that I couldn't make a beat/write a song every day for an entire month, so must get going . Add whatever you want to add on to this, or discuss whatever.

 

I want to close with a question - ladies. Some of you intimated that you don't want to "train" an inexperienced man or you simply would rather someone who is experienced. You also further eschew the cheat method of paying for sex too . Some of you also don't seem to have a very high opinion of PUA. So - and I'm sure I've asked this question and had it answered many-a-time, but again - what are your thoughts on the inexperienced man and what he has to do to go forth?

 

On with the fun .....

[fortyninethousand322]

It's weird, when I googled "the inexperienced guy", this blog came up.

 

Minus some details with which I cannot relate, this guy sounds almost like me. Like parallel me from another universe or something. Seems like he's still struggling too. Perhaps I should contact him and ask him if he's my long lost twin...

[MrCastle]

Good thread as always, Who.

 

I have to stress the image part, big time. Who people think you are is as important as who you really are.

 

You can be anyone you want to be in this world. I don't totally agree that our personalities are formed from an early age and that's it. Some stuff, sure, but there is a lot you can change.

 

I wanted to be James Dean. So I became him.

 

This did not include lying or cheating of any kind. I just started dressing like him, being smoother in my speech/manurisms, and overall just a cooler version of myself.

 

I'm an aspiring actor, among other things, so taking on that role was a fun challenge, and after a year or so of faking this persona, it has become me.

 

Now, you don't have to do all that if you don't want to, but I'm just stressing the point that you can be whoever you want to be in this world. You do not have to settle for a supporting role in your own life. You can play the lead.

 

All of that kind of brings me to my next point--I've always had a love of the arts. Tried my hand at music, and as much as I love it, I realize I just don't have the skills needed to be a great musician. I have great ideas in my head but I just can't bring them to life. Oh well. I have writing/screenwriting, acting, and photography to fall back on.

 

The more involved I got in my passions, the more women seemed to be drawn to me. They realized I was not your regular guy. I was (am) creative, passionate, and have things that occupy my time. I'm not living for the sole purpose of getting laid. They recognize that.

 

What also helped me was being bold. Saying no to a woman. Not coming around like a puppy everytime she called my name. Being sexual/saying more risque stuff, as you mentioned. Taking chances, being daring.

 

Another thing that helped is not caring about what you can't change. Before coming on here, and some other forums I've joined in the past, I had no idea how much of an emphasis a considerable amount of women place on things as petty as height and whatnot. I wasn't sure how true it was, since I've seen short men have success in real life, as well as myself, so I thought it was best not to think about it.

 

You can choose what you want to believe. We all live in our own realities. Things like science and math are not open to opinion, but most everything else is. In my reality, height plays no part in attraction, or race, or muscles, or penis size, or any other physical perceived shortcomings one believes they have.

 

I'm sure if I believed those things, I would just sulk at home about it, and not be out doing what I do.

 

Another part of this not caring business--I don't care about success or lack of success any more. Vagina doesn't rule my life. If a girl wants to hook up with me, cool, and I will certainly give her an experience she won't soon forget, but if she doesn't dig me, her loss and I move on. I don't dwell. I don't stick around in the friend zone hoping for a shot. Life is too short to worry about sex and sex alone.

 

I have preoccupied myself with things that will be beneficial to my life in the long run.

[Bengal Tiger]

Very good topic.

 

I'd add don't tell her about your inexperience as it can be a turn off and not a very romantic date conversation. Wait until you have built a relationship.

 

I was a late bloomer and my first gf didn't believe she was my first. She suspected I was a player, when I was quite the opposite.

 

Everyone has insecurities about something. Guys often tie our self worth to dating women. While many guys tend to obsess over this stuff and overanalyze and psyche ourselves out, most women don't care nearly as much as we think. It's much less logical and more emotional with them. If she likes you, she likes you. No need to overcomplicate things. Women are pretty cool when you get to know them.

[ThaWholigan]

Very good topic.

 

I'd add don't tell her about your inexperience as it can be a turn off and not a very romantic date conversation. Wait until you have built a relationship.

 

I was a late bloomer and my first gf didn't believe she was my first. She suspected I was a player, when I was quite the opposite.

 

Everyone has insecurities about something. Guys often tie our self worth to dating women. While many guys tend to obsess over this stuff and overanalyze and psyche ourselves out, most women don't care nearly as much as we think. It's much less logical and more emotional with them. If she likes you, she likes you. No need to overcomplicate things. Women are pretty cool when you get to know them.

I agree with your addition - although I would discourage outright lying about your experience.

 

If anything, I say embrace your inexperience - treat it as though it is no big deal and it won't be in the end. The less big deal I made it, the easy it was to eventually lose it.

[mesmerized]

Well I think the most important thing, which I definitely saw in you, is to not be obsessed about being inexperienced or to not make this obsession public. If you see your inexperience as some big failure we are going to see it the same way and lose respect for you. Same is true with the opposite...show that there is a looot to you other than your inexperience with women and given the chance with a woman you like, you can be awesome at that too.

[Necris]

Well I think the most important thing, which I definitely saw in you, is to not be obsessed about being inexperienced or to not make this obsession public.

 

I don't really know anyone who is inexperienced that tells people in public how terrible they are at dating, this is very basic stuff of what not to do.

[mesmerized]

I don't really know anyone who is inexperienced that tells people in public how terrible they are at dating, this is very basic stuff of what not to do.

 

Youd be surprised. Trust me, we women find it out so easily. The other night this guy messaged me on a dating site, I responded. He wasn't very attractive, im sure he didnt have a lot of success there. He told me im very pretty and asked me right away if he is good enough for me...bam I already know he is insecure. He keep talking and even though he didnt mention his inexperience I could just tell from the stuff he was saying. You dont have to shout the words out loud, the way you behave usually gives you away specially insecurity.

[fortyninethousand322]

Youd be surprised. Trust me, we women find it out so easily. The other night this guy messaged me on a dating site, I responded. He wasn't very attractive, im sure he didnt have a lot of success there. He told me im very pretty and asked me right away if he is good enough for me...bam I already know he is insecure. He keep talking and even though he didnt mention his inexperience I could just tell from the stuff he was saying. You dont have to shout the words out loud, the way you behave usually gives you away specially insecurity.

 

Good gracious, who says this to people?

 

I'm as insecure as they come but I'd never say that to someone unless they were the closest of close friends. Just curious, but what type of things did he say that gave him away?

[Eternal Sunshine]

There is certain type of social awkwardness that is a sure fire way that guy is inexperienced. It's a certain type of desperation. Playing hard to get doesn't work as I can easily tell that's what they are doing and it's even more of a turn off.

 

Some types of social awkwardness like for example, Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory are different....where you can tell the guy is lost in his own world and women are not his focus. That can be very attractive to me.

[fortyninethousand322]

There is certain type of social awkwardness that is a sure fire way that guy is inexperienced. It's a certain type of desperation. Playing hard to get doesn't work as I can easily tell that's what they are doing and it's even more of a turn off.

 

Some types of social awkwardness like for example, Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory are different....where you can tell the guy is lost in his own world and women are not his focus. That can be very attractive to me.

 

Well obviously. You can only play hard to get if you are actually hard to get.

 

The second part is definitely true. There's "cute" social awkwardness that women can go for, but then there's the "creepy" kind that makes them run away.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well obviously. You can only play hard to get if you are actually hard to get.

 

The second part is definitely true. There's "cute" social awkwardness that women can go for, but then there's the "creepy" kind that makes them run away.

 

Exactly

[SJC2008]

I want to close with a question - ladies. Some of you intimated that you don't want to "train" an inexperienced man or you simply would rather someone who is experienced. You also further eschew the cheat method of paying for sex too . Some of you also don't seem to have a very high opinion of PUA. So - and I'm sure I've asked this question and had it answered many-a-time, but again - what are your thoughts on the inexperienced man and what he has to do to go forth?

 

Unless your kness klatter like Ickabod Crane they aren't gonna know anything. I slept with the last woman on our last date. We were somewhere where sex wouldn't be expected and I wasn't even gonna TRY to have sex with her. We started making out and after a while she started breathing really heavy, that was my cue and the rest was history. I wonder if she knows that was only the second time I had sex in my life? There's no way!

[MrCastle]

Unless your kness klatter like Ickabod Crane they aren't gonna know anything. I slept with the last woman on our last date. We were somewhere where sex wouldn't be expected and I wasn't even gonna TRY to have sex with her. We started making out and after a while she started breathing really heavy, that was my cue and the rest was history. I wonder if she knows that was only the second time I had sex in my life? There's no way!

 

Agreed. I was a monster from day one. No way they can tell. There are guys who have had multiple partners at an early age and still suck.

 

Experience does not equal good in bed.

 

I was born to slay

[ThaWholigan]

Agreed. I was a monster from day one. No way they can tell. There are guys who have had multiple partners at an early age and still suck.

 

Experience does not equal good in bed.

 

I was born to slay

 

I agree with this

 

Girls talk, so they tend to spill about the others voluntarily. Turns out, a high number count doesn't equal good in bed .

Edited March 2, 2013 by ThaWholigan

[JuneJulySeptember]

Interestingly enough, guys who don't get many girls are sometimes better at sex.

 

They can last longer in a lot of cases.

 

I jerked off like a wild boar for so many years and got the art of mastrurbation down to a science.

 

So, it's better than real sex for me.

 

I can get a woman off as many times as she wants before I do. Getting a woman off is easy. I'm talking 3 to 4 times.

 

Far cry from the studs who have been getting regular p@ssy since they were kids are super sensitive to the feeling of vagina.

[bac]

Agreed. I was a monster from day one. No way they can tell. There are guys who have had multiple partners at an early age and still suck.

 

Experience does not equal good in bed.

 

I was born to slay

 

That is true. If a man is capable to enjoy sex for himself, he is great from day one. I had a virgin who was a super star from day one. I had guys in 40s-50s who had multiple partners all their life and believed that they were very skilled at sex. In fact, some of them were much worse at sex than the virgin.

 

You do not need any experience for sex. But, experience is needed for a R. Social and communication skills with girls are complex and it is important to learn.

[ThaWholigan]

You can choose what you want to believe. We all live in our own realities. Things like science and math are not open to opinion, but most everything else is. In my reality, height plays no part in attraction, or race, or muscles, or penis size, or any other physical perceived shortcomings one believes they have.

 

I'm sure if I believed those things, I would just sulk at home about it, and not be out doing what I do.

 

I wanted to bump this thread in light of the same things being said - people yet again taking this sh*t way too seriously.

 

Read part of MrCastles post above there and marinade on it.

[SJC2008]

That is true. If a man is capable to enjoy sex for himself, he is great from day one. I had a virgin who was a super star from day one. I had guys in 40s-50s who had multiple partners all their life and believed that they were very skilled at sex. In fact, some of them were much worse at sex than the virgin.

 

You do not need any experience for sex. But, experience is needed for a R. Social and communication skills with girls are complex and it is important to learn.

 

This is malarkey! Going by this I have no communication skills since I've never had an R. How do I handle problems in life? How do I communicate with people? I've dated women who have had YEARS of relationship exp and were passive agressive/controlling and wouldn' know what communication was if they went to therapy.

[ThaWholigan]

This is malarkey! Going by this I have no communication skills since I've never had an R. How do I handle problems in life? How do I communicate with people? I've dated women who have had YEARS of relationship exp and were passive agressive/controlling and wouldn' know what communication was if they went to therapy.

You're right to a small extent, but there's a level of communication I feel that guys sometimes miss when it comes to girls. I know because I have lacked it and still struggle to hang . Getting there........

[Ruby Slippers]

what are your thoughts on the inexperienced man and what he has to do to go forth?

Given what I've read from you here, I imagine you're already doing this - but my advice is:

 

1. Be honest about who you are and why your experience level is low.

 

2. Be confident in new things you're doing with a woman (sexually, emotionally, etc.), but don't worry about making mistakes - just own them when they happen, discuss with dignity and sincerity, and move on.

[SJC2008]

You're right to a small extent, but there's a level of communication I feel that guys sometimes miss when it comes to girls. I know because I have lacked it and still struggle to hang . Getting there........

 

It's more than a small extent, don't be so naive with all due respect. I may be inexperienced in relationships and I don't know if my sample size in dating is skewed becuase it comes mostly from OLD, but most women I've dated who were in relationships were very passive agressive, and passive agressive people don't communicate. I'm not saying all women are passive agressive but mostly the ones I've met. Also, most relationsips end after the honeymoon phase is over, which lasts 2 months to 2 years. There are a few reasons for this. One being that some people are in love with the in love feeling and when it's gone they're off to experience it again. Another reason is that when the HM phase is over, people start to see the other for who they really are and realize they ignored lots of red phases. When the HM phase is over it's time for the relationship skills and emotional maturity of the parties involved to kick in and keep the relationship going (if they're compatible and want to stay in the relationship). The glue in a relationship is trust and emotional intimacy, and neither will happen without communication. Would you be surprised if I told you that most relationships lack initimacy and communication? Well it's the truth, and it's also the truth that only about 10% of couples dicuss their problems and don't argue them.

[SJC2008]

we live in a society where a huge premium is placed on experience. if someone, man or woman, stated for example that they are virgin at 36 or their longest relationship was just a few months at 40 they'd be shoved aside before they could open their mouth to explain. your second point i mostly concur with.

 

There are two reasons for this: 1) If you don't fit into sociteys bell curve you're an ogre. 2) They think you'll leave them once you are experienced and don't want to be a stepping stone.

[ThaWholigan]

That half a year later bump