ifonlyenough Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I'm very in love with my boyfriend of just 4 months but there are a few red flags that I don't think I can get over. We've probably moved fast and have spent almost every day together since we met. At first, he would make comments about other women's "hotness" and body parts in front of me... even pictures of my friends. I made it clear that I thought this was rude and disrespectful and he eventually stopped. I am his first girlfriend ever. (He is 26 and I am 29) Then he would make little comments about my weight and things like "how I could make my butt bigger". Keep in mind I am 5'5" and 118 and he is the one overweight at 6'3" and 248. Then, it comes out that he basically has a porn addiction and masterbates sometimes up to 5 times a day. After porn/sex addiction destroyed my first marriage, I have no tolerance for this, and I told him that up front. When stuff started popping up everywhere about nasty sites, he finally admitted it, but claimed he didn't recall me telling him. Then he starts bawling to me, saying he "doesn't want to loose me... and he will never do it again..blah blah blah.." So, I explain to him how much it destroyed me before. My ex husband constantly rejected me and put me down for porn. Then he brings it up himself to tell me he hasn't been doing it anymore, and wont do it to hurt me.. I knew saying he would never do it again was a promise he couldn't keep, but hoped he would at least take steps. I knew his nit picking of me was part of his disillusionment of what a real women looks like. After he made a comment about my weight in a recent picture, I got upset, and finally said, "I don't meet your standards do I?" and he say's "Well, no woman really does."... Uhhh... OKay!! So he reluctantly begins to basically describe a porn star to me in great detail... "long hair, tan skin, toned body, nice butt (about this big he says), boobs this size. height 5'2"-5'5", defined abs.... and on... I was like "Really? No wonder you've been single".. and he just shrugged. I then was like, "Why the heck are you with me then if I don't meet your standards? He went on "I love you and I don't care about that anymore... blah blah"... Well then, why did you just tell me this and why do you keep tearing me down... The irony is that I'm actually pretty thin. Then I ask him about the porn, and he say's he has "glanced at it a few times." but that was it and he "only wanted to see if it would do anything for him, and it didn't really." I then asked him what a "few" meant to him and he said "somewhere around 5".. Uhh.. Ok... Then I tell him what a bunch of bs that he just told me.. "oh you just glanced at it?" "Give me a break" "Just own it". Then he tries a different approach by saying he did it because of me and how I made him feel... What? Now it was my fault... But couldn't tell me what it was that I did... I expected it not to be over, but why not just own it and be honest? I just couldn't handle it anymore. He never had even had more than a one night stand before me. I'm really scared of making a mistake and ending up with the wrong person again, and all I want in the world is to be loved and accepted for who I am. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough or in competition or clearly compared with random objectified women online. Is it time to move on? All of this combined with the fact that he is a super huge mama's boy... (He even told me how she bawled to him when he told her he was seeing someone..omg).. I would rather break ties as soon as possible then be with someone who I'm never going to be enough for... Any advice is great. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 This guy is a complete idiot when it comes to women. Inexperience is a factor, but his problems go beyond that. It sounds like he's totally deluded about women because of his porn use. I would absolutely move on. I'm sure you can do better than this. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
zanzi Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 It sounds like he puts you down because he knows you are way, way to good for him, and he is afraid you will realize it and find someone better then him. Which is pathetic. And the being rude, commenting on other women in front of you, is also pretty awful. Im not saying I'm an expert on maturity at my age, but he doesn't sound very mature or well rounded, or kind or anything really. A giant man baby who expects you to look after him while he jerks off onto a computer screen. Sorry if that was harsh but that my honest opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ltjg45 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Yes, it is time to move on. Rude, no respect for you, grading you against a porn star, overweight, complete lack of maturity, watching porn despite you told him how much that bothers you. Pitiful. He disgusts me. No wonder he's single for this long. He needs to stay that way. I really do hope no women ended up grading me to that sorry sack of crap whenever I get into my 1st relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I am not sure why you are still with him. What kind of redeeming factors could compensate for that? Is he about to discover the cure for cancer? No way. No way at all. ((Are you used to/drawn to men putting you down after your ex? How long have you been divorced? Did you go to any counseling? You don't have to answer any of these but I just find it weird you'd be drawn to a guy like this.)) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Plenty of women are out there like he describes...he just cant get them. I mean, no offense, but from what you said about how he looks, he seems to have lucked out getting you. He should be lucky to have a woman like you. I find it odd that he is still going to porn when he already has a fit attractive woman to have sex with. Plus he lacks respect and tact. Move on OP. Find a man who appreciates you. At least this guy didnt lie to you and lead you on for years like some guys do when they settle for a woman less than what they really wanted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 So you pick on him by telling him not to watch porn, that he comments on other women, that he's overweight and that he's a mama's boy. He in turn picks on your body and weight. Have the two of you ever discussed not picking on each other and that respect isn't built by picking on each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Leave him to his fantasy women and his mommy and go find yourself a real man. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Oh wow! Are you dating my ex? OMG! I have been in exact same situation. My ex was also obsessed with a certain porn star and was constantly telling me how I am not really his type and that I meet his "bare minimum" in looks department. I never asked so I was stunned He would do stuff like make a sign with his thumb and little finger and measure my waist to see if I fit his criteria. He didn't like my hair color and asked me to dye my hair differently (which I refused to do). He also said that no woman he has ever met met his physical standards, apart from that porn star. He himself was far from my physical ideal (not in shape, large nose, pasty white etc) but I never said a thing because it was too cruel, even after he criticized me. At the same time, he gave a lot of other mixed signals. He told me he is deeply in love with me all the time, he escalated commitment (we moved in at about 3-4 months), he spoke about marriage and kids, he was always available and wanting to spend every second with me. So it didn't really compute that he wasn't into my looks but in all other aspects he seemed really into me (he was even physically all over me!) so WTF. When we fought, he was also much more emotional that I was.... I put it down to not being a smooth talker and not good with women. When I told him it hurt me he just said "I am just saying what I think, other men would lie to you". Eventually, his criticisms escalated to other aspects of our lives. He was always nitpicking at me, my words, my behaviors, my voice, my clothes, even my nail polish! Towards the end, it got to me so much that I started emotionally shutting down and pulling away from him. If I could do it all over again, I would leave much earlier.....so all I can tell you is: RUN! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I told him it hurt me he just said "I am just saying what I think, other men would lie to you".! Can we send out a memo to all women that any guy who says this (other guys think this, I'm just honest) should be ditched immediately. It's not TRUE. (It's only what other asholes think) It's not NECESSARY. (There is an appropriate way to bring up even sensitive issues, like weight, or whatever, which this isn't really -- and this isn't that way.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ifonlyenough Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Yes, he does send me mixed signals. He is usually very affectionate. Helps me out around my house/ect. Tells me he "wants to take care of me". Talked about marriage, kids, the future... I connect with him in almost every way I haven't with other people... But, I guess I am just not enough.... He is a little chubby around the waste (he is built like a football player with huge arms..) but I like big men and I'm not superficial about looks and it doesn't matter to me.. So, I've never said a word to him.. It just offends me that HE would make comments about ME looking chubby in this picture or whatever.. What sucks most, is that I am new in town, and don't really have a soul other than him... As of now, I told him I needed my time apart, and he said he loved me and would give me all the time I needed and that he didn't want to loose me.... But, I just don't want to waste time getting caught up in another toxic relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 No offense, but why would anyone choose to stay with someone who treats you with such disregard and continually undermines your self-worth? Seriously? He goes on about how hot your friends are, how you don't measure up to his favorite porn stars, how you don't meet his physical standards, etc. Good gawd! He would have been lost in the depth of the skid marks I left as I sprinted for the hills! He is toxic! I suspect you don't really love him. Rather you may be irresistibly drawn to a certain type of dysfunctional interaction in your romantic relationships and confuse that for genuine love. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I stopped reading once you said he has a porn addiction. I don't pretend to know all the answers to everything, but everything that you have said about him says to me that he's very critical of you and likes to put you down to make himself feel better about himself. He will not change this. Move on ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Yes, he does send me mixed signals. He is usually very affectionate. Helps me out around my house/ect. Tells me he "wants to take care of me". Talked about marriage, kids, the future... I connect with him in almost every way I haven't with other people... But, I guess I am just not enough.... He is a little chubby around the waste (he is built like a football player with huge arms..) but I like big men and I'm not superficial about looks and it doesn't matter to me.. So, I've never said a word to him.. It just offends me that HE would make comments about ME looking chubby in this picture or whatever.. What sucks most, is that I am new in town, and don't really have a soul other than him... As of now, I told him I needed my time apart, and he said he loved me and would give me all the time I needed and that he didn't want to loose me.... But, I just don't want to waste time getting caught up in another toxic relationship... Join a sports league, volunteer, look for meetup groups in your area that focus on some of your interests... There are other (better) ways to build a social circle. He will be a destructive influence in your life if you continue with him Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ifonlyenough Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 He has actually been really good to me in other ways and we have A TON in common... Whenever he say's this crap, he always tries to take it back and tells me he is just "bleeding ignorance"... to wrap me back in. When I have asked him why he never had a girlfriend before, an obsession over a girl that was involved with another guy came up and that he waited for her only for her to end up getting married.., and he even mentioned that he was almost desperate for a girlfriend.. Did the desperation end on me? I don't know.. I've been separated for over 2.5 years and divorced for almost 1 year. He is the first guy I have really dated (I wanted to do it the "right way" and wait..) I did go to counseling to restore my beaten self esteem and took divorce healing classes... I know I'm not chubby and there is nothing wrong with ME now, that's why I'm trying to assess the situation now, before it goes South like my previous... Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Does this guy have any redeeming qualities? Because he sounds like a massive dick. Link to post Share on other sites
mesmerized Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Does this guy have any redeeming qualities? Because he sounds like a massive dick. That could very well be his redeeimg quality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 True, but many guys with a porn addiction have issues when dealing with a real woman in the bedroom rather than their firm hand and a computer screen of porn. Caveat emptor! Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 It sounds like he puts you down because he knows you are way, way to good for him, and he is afraid you will realize it and find someone better then him. Which is pathetic. And the being rude, commenting on other women in front of you, is also pretty awful. Im not saying I'm an expert on maturity at my age, but he doesn't sound very mature or well rounded, or kind or anything really. A giant man baby who expects you to look after him while he jerks off onto a computer screen. Sorry if that was harsh but that my honest opinion. I'm wondering if its along these lines. For a guy who has lucked out he is not handling it at all well. Hey, at least he's not clingy and sycophantic like a lot of women here say a guy without any experience will be. I think he has been living in a bit of bubble world when it comes to women that's been inflated due to porn. He's a bit tackless / clueless when it comes to women's feelings but that is partly (not fully) explained by his relationship inexperience. I think you have been very understanding and shown good tolerance for his inexperience/behavor in explaining what you expect (without going wild) and allowing him to grow into a relationship and in allowing him to wean off the porn. (it wont be an easy thing if he's been avid watcher for years) You have spelled it out to him, so he knows what's expected, and if he really wants to actually keep a real live attractive women, he needs to do his best to get with the program. Your outline of the recent conversation you had over his porn/expectations was not all that reassuring though (chopped & changed tack). My feeling is the nitpicking wont really go away unless the porn does. I also feel he needs a wake up call like you leaving for a bit or laying it on the line and saying you will leave if x.y.z happens again. To be honest when you say.."I'm really scared of making a mistake and ending up with the wrong person again"...I think you will have a safer bet with another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 This is after four months?? This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, when you can't keep your hands off of each other. Not that I would find his words or actions acceptable at any point in a relationship, but jeez...four months!! He is still supposed to be making you feel like you're the bee's knees (and vice versa)! Re-read your post. Do you really need to ask whether this is the "one?" He criticizes your (totally healthy) weight, and goes into detail about his fantasy girl and how much you aren't her?? I can't even imagine how I would react if I were in your shoes and my boyfriend said things like that to me. It's so ridiculous that I might even laugh before throwing him ass-first out of my life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I'm very in love with my boyfriend of just 4 months but there are a few red flags that I don't think I can get over. We've probably moved fast and have spent almost every day together since we met. At first, he would make comments about other women's "hotness" and body parts in front of me... even pictures of my friends. I made it clear that I thought this was rude and disrespectful and he eventually stopped. I am his first girlfriend ever. (He is 26 and I am 29) Then he would make little comments about my weight and things like "how I could make my butt bigger". Keep in mind I am 5'5" and 118 and he is the one overweight at 6'3" and 248. Then, it comes out that he basically has a porn addiction and masterbates sometimes up to 5 times a day. After porn/sex addiction destroyed my first marriage, I have no tolerance for this, and I told him that up front. When stuff started popping up everywhere about nasty sites, he finally admitted it, but claimed he didn't recall me telling him. Then he starts bawling to me, saying he "doesn't want to loose me... and he will never do it again..blah blah blah.." So, I explain to him how much it destroyed me before. My ex husband constantly rejected me and put me down for porn. Then he brings it up himself to tell me he hasn't been doing it anymore, and wont do it to hurt me.. I knew saying he would never do it again was a promise he couldn't keep, but hoped he would at least take steps. I knew his nit picking of me was part of his disillusionment of what a real women looks like. After he made a comment about my weight in a recent picture, I got upset, and finally said, "I don't meet your standards do I?" and he say's "Well, no woman really does."... Uhhh... OKay!! So he reluctantly begins to basically describe a porn star to me in great detail... "long hair, tan skin, toned body, nice butt (about this big he says), boobs this size. height 5'2"-5'5", defined abs.... and on... I was like "Really? No wonder you've been single".. and he just shrugged. I then was like, "Why the heck are you with me then if I don't meet your standards? He went on "I love you and I don't care about that anymore... blah blah"... Well then, why did you just tell me this and why do you keep tearing me down... The irony is that I'm actually pretty thin. Then I ask him about the porn, and he say's he has "glanced at it a few times." but that was it and he "only wanted to see if it would do anything for him, and it didn't really." I then asked him what a "few" meant to him and he said "somewhere around 5".. Uhh.. Ok... Then I tell him what a bunch of bs that he just told me.. "oh you just glanced at it?" "Give me a break" "Just own it". Then he tries a different approach by saying he did it because of me and how I made him feel... What? Now it was my fault... But couldn't tell me what it was that I did... I expected it not to be over, but why not just own it and be honest? I just couldn't handle it anymore. He never had even had more than a one night stand before me. I'm really scared of making a mistake and ending up with the wrong person again, and all I want in the world is to be loved and accepted for who I am. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough or in competition or clearly compared with random objectified women online. Is it time to move on? All of this combined with the fact that he is a super huge mama's boy... (He even told me how she bawled to him when he told her he was seeing someone..omg).. I would rather break ties as soon as possible then be with someone who I'm never going to be enough for... Any advice is great. All I can say what a ****ing Ass-hole! Link to post Share on other sites
zanzi Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 scared of settling with the wrong person or just scared of the loneliness of being alone? Because he is very much the wrong person for you, or anybody with self respect. He is rude, immature, and just...no. You are probably a babe, and he is a stupid douche. I see this situation sometimes and it baffles me how the girl will defend this guy who is just... well, a bit of a **** stain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I think that you don't even realize the toll it will take on your self-esteem if you stay. I got progressively more and more insecure and I caught myself thinking "Yep, he is right. I am ugly :(" That's crazy! After the relationship ended, I found myself seeking external validation from many men. I needed them to want me because it was a proof that I am not "ugly". Only now a year later I feel like I am regaining some balance. Trust me, you don't want to go trough that, regardless of his positive qualities. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RachR Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I put it down to not being a smooth talker and not good with women. When I told him it hurt me he just said "I am just saying what I think, other men would lie to you". Ewww this reminds me of my ex who would say, "I'm just being honest. Would you rather I lied about it? Tell me, why is that better than telling the truth?" And then I wouldn't have an answer because my self esteem was pretty sh*t so I couldn't come up with something. RUN! What she said! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Ewww this reminds me of my ex who would say, "I'm just being honest. Would you rather I lied about it? Same When we started dating, we talked about what qualities we like in a partner. I told him how honesty is very important to me. He used the fact to twist my words into "telling it like it is" about what he thought I looked. He would just say "Didn't you tell me that you want an honest guy?" Funny thing is, I later discovered that he was actually being pretty dishonest about many much more important things. Link to post Share on other sites
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