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Not really a part of his life.......


gobain

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Hello Everyone.

I have been dating a guy since last August and I'm now at my wits end. I don't get into serious relationships easily - then came this guy. I love him very much but I think I'm being played a bit.

 

Anyway, I wrote him a letter and would like any opinions anyone would like to give on it. I was planning on giving it to him tonight (Thursday) 'cause I was able to rope him into a rare week-night get together. I think its self explanatory but if you have any questions, by all means ask them.

 

Letter is as follows:

 

I’ve already told you, and I’m sure you noticed on your own, that I’m not so very good at “the relationship talk” that pretty much every other woman I know simply lives for. It’s just not something I’ve ever been comfortable with. Maybe it’s that I just don’t like the idea of asking for something that someone isn’t ready to give. Or maybe its just fear – I don’t really know. I’ve reached a point where I have to address some things with you and don’t know any other way to do it besides this.

 

When you mentioned the call you had to make Thursday night, you didn’t say that you wouldn’t be coming over. All you said was that you had to make a call. Then the next thing I know, you’re telling me to call you after the game on Saturday. I’m pretty used to the vague speak at this point, but that was a little excessive. Why would I assume that making a phone call meant you couldn’t come over? It’s a phone call.

 

And even when I called you back – quite obviously upset – you didn’t even bother to say that you would, or I could, call you tomorrow. I’m not even important enough to warrant a phone call because I might intrude on your actual life. I don’t even get to know what it is your doing.

 

So I was upset last Thursday night. I probably should have talked to you about it on Saturday, but I was having such a great day and hadn’t seen you in a couple of weeks, so I just didn’t want to go there and ruin what was pretty much a perfect day. I was hoping that I’d get to see you during the week and get to talk to you about what’s going on with me. You don’t have the school schedule – its vacation – so I figured I had a good chance of seeing you. Apparently you had better things to do. As always. So I guess my first question is why would you even bother seeing me Saturday night? Why bother stringing me along if you don’t really have any interest in seeing me.

 

You told me when we first started dating that you didn’t really go for the whole “constant reassurance” thing. That the fact that you spend your time should be telling enough. But here’s where I have trouble, because it would seem that you don’t really want to spend time with me that much. I know that you’re busy during the week, but we only live ten minutes from each other and I’m lucky – lucky! – to see you once a week.

 

I’m bothered, too, that it seems that you don’t want me to interact with your family or your friends. I met Matt once – on our second date – but I have never met any of your other friends. You commented once that (Friend's) girlfriend had met three girls in a row that you said you had just dated for a bit – that’s why she thinks you’re a player. Yet we’ve been seeing each other since August, with the exception of that one stretch, and I’ve never met any of your friends that actually live around here.

 

I asked you once if your parents didn’t like me or something and you said that that wasn’t the case. I was supposed to accept that it was because of (ex-girlfriend)that you didn’t invite me around. I’m sorry, but I’m not really buying that. I didn’t then either. Were you trying to spare my feelings? Because if you were, it didn’t work. You’ve even said that (his sister) does like me. Which is good – ‘cause I like her. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have sent her flowers when you told me she was sad. But it seems like you don’t want me anywhere near her either. You can tell me that it simply doesn’t occur to you to occasionally invite me along when you do things with other people, but what does that say? It says you don’t think of me and you don’t really care whether I’m around or not. I’m not saying that I think you should invite me every time; it’s just that you have never invited me. Not once.

 

I guess this all comes down to not feeling like a part of your life. You told me when we started talking again in January that you wanted me in your life. I believed that. But I don’t now. I feel like your dirty little secret and that everything is just fine with you as long as I stay tucked away in the basement. Sometimes I feel like I’m just your Friday night whore. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the way I feel sometimes. Mostly when you disappear without saying goodbye and then I don’t hear from you for days.

 

I also know that the Friday night whore feeling is sometimes something that has more to do with me than you. Its always bothered me that we slept together so quickly. It bothers me to think that you may believe that its something I do quickly in every relationship. I assure you, that’s not the case. But maybe it’s partly my own insecurities about that fact that cause me to feel that way. It doesn’t make it easier. (for the record - soon is later than it sounds)

 

Why did it happen so soon? It’s because from the very beginning I trusted you more than I usually do most people. I don’t know why, I just did. I know that I love you and have for some time now. Also something that I’m not comfortable saying. I have made it a point to not say it to anyone for a long time. But I want you to know that I do. And maybe that scares me a little. Please don’t think that I expect you to say it back. I don’t. It comes to everyone at different times – if at all – and I would never want you to say it out of obligation. I can’t demand that of you. But you have to respect me. You have to respect me enough to not ignore me for days and then call and expect me to be available. You have to respect me enough to consider my feelings. I’m not asking for everything – I’m asking for something. Anything. The rare show of effort in some way is not a lot to ask.

 

I don’t have any idea what you’ll make of all this. You might think that I am now more trouble than I’m worth. So be it. We’ll either talk about all this and work through it or you’ll be done. I can’t control that. But if I don’t to tell you this stuff than I’m not being honest with you or myself. That I cannot have.

 

I want to be with you. I think I’ve made that clear. But I can’t be with you if it costs me myself. So you need to decide if you like me enough to want to make some effort or if it’s over. I’m hoping you want to be with me, but at this point, I don’t expect it. Just be honest with me and if you want to talk about all this I, of course, am willing. But I also don’t want to feel like I’m not worthy to be a part of the rest of your life either. Let me know, I guess, if you’re willing to talk.

 

So that's my letter. Please tell me how you would react to it or anything else that you think.

 

Thanks in advance. Please help.

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It looks like a good letter to me. The only part I was unsure of is the part about Thursday night. It sounds a little combative. "You had better things to do, like always." I mean if that's what you're going for, that's fine, but it's something that might piss him off, just so you're prepared for that. I know you're probably frustrated, and I'm definitely not the confrontational type, so maybe I'm not the best person to talk with this about, but if it were me, I'd tone that section down a bit.

BTW, Is this something that you've discussed with him in the past, or is this just kind of coming up?

I have a boyfriend who always says stuff like, "Well, I take time out to spend with you so shouldn't that be enough to let you know I care?" I absolutely hate that. It's like come on, man. If all I did was take a couple of hours out here and there to spend with you, would that be enough to make you feel special??

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I think you may be right about the combative part. I think I'll rearrage that a little - thanks.

 

He's made the point to me - and I mention it in the letter - that spending time with me is exactly how he shows that he wants to be with me. Which is why I'm so confused by the lack of effort in that regard. Is one day a week supposed to show me that he wants to be with me?

 

We talked about it some last Thursday - I was very upset that he cancelled on the rare weeknight that he asked to see me. Which, incidentally, is the only reason he agreed to see me tonight. He doesn't understand AT ALL why I would think that he doesn't want to see me. "You know my schedule blah blah blah....I want to know if I do something that hurts you blah blah blah"

 

I myself am not confrontational in any way, which is part of the problem. I don't say things when I should. So by now I'm so frustrated that I can't stand it anymore and am seriously thinking about ending it with the only guy I've loved in about 10 years - no lie.

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Gobin,

 

I think I’ve got a pretty good perception of what's going on here through your letter. Pardon me if I've misinterpreted, but it sounds like this guy is only stopping by once a week for his regular booty call? If this is true, then its time to check out before you've invested any more of your emotions and valuable time on someone who's just looking for a FWB situation. Particularly if you are looking for more in a partner.

 

When you are together, do you spend any real quality time, or does his visits always end with him pursuing sex?

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Thank You!!!!!!!!

That's exactly what I've been feeling!

But I'm afraid it's too late for investing feelings - I'm invested already.

And we do go out and do stuff and have fun - but it always ends with the ole booty call. Hence the "Friday Night Whore" comment in the letter.

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Well, then if the situation is making you feel that way, at the very least, a talk is definitely in order. If you're invested, you need to be able to decide whether to fish or cut bait, basically. And if he's not headed in the same direction as you, then you may need to cut bait, even if it hurts. Hopefully this letter will allow you to start some sort of a conversation that will give you an idea of what you need to do, one way or the other.

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But I'm afraid it's too late for investing feelings - I'm invested already.

 

Not unusual. Thanks to those pesky brain chemicals, we women often get too attached to our sex partners.

 

But it's not too late to pull it back. Just because you gave into him before, doesn't mean that he should come to expect it every time. If he isn't willing to invest the time and energy to EARN you affections...then cut him off!

 

You'll find out rather quickly just how much 'time' he's really willing to invest in your relationship, then. It'll sting, but at least you'll know the truth and perhaps find the courage to move on and find someone better.

 

Don’t sell yourself short!

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I have to agree that it sounds like the "once a week booty call" may be his only intention or maybe he just really sucks at relationships! It's good that you are expressing yourself to him (if not in person at least through a letter).

 

I don't mean to sound dumb but has it ever been established as a "serious relationship" or was it something that was just assumed since all was going okay and you two see each other frequently?

 

Sounds like you are a really nice person who deserves a whole lot better treatment once he gets the letter and if things don't change I say Kick him to the curve....it is a little shocking that since you only live 10 minutes away from each other that you don't see each other more often (like a couple of times a week)

 

Another question, could it be that he is involved with someone else and that's why he doesn't want you around friends and family....maybe he's afraid his secrets will be exposed on both ends...... :o

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We established a long time ago that we were exclusive and serious. It has occured to me that he was seeing someone else and it came up last week when I was upset. He's the one who said "its not like I'm out with other people or other girls"

 

He was cheated on by his last serious girlfriend. We've talked about that and I honestly don't think he's lying about not seeing anyone else. That's not to say it doesn't cross my mind sometimes. And I have thought about that being the reason for the very little contact I've had with his family and friends.

 

Frankly, I think he's just an idiot. As we all knew in kindergarten - boys are stupid.

I guess I'll know for sure after tonight either way.

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i hope things work out for you...maybe he's afraid you'll hurt him (since you said he had been cheated on before) anyway Good Luck and no matter what just like they all said....you deserve true happiness!

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Thanks to all for your support and advice.

I spoke to him last night and I at least feel better for having said what I needed to. I didn't give him the letter but we talked about everything in the letter.

 

I wish that I had happier things to report. He wishes he knew why he won't let me in. He feels bad that I'm hurt. He said it was unfair of him to tell me that he wanted me in his life and then keep me at a distance.

 

We didn't make any decisions last night so we both could think about what the other has said. We have plans to see each other this weekend but I think that will be it. I love him very much, but it hurts too much to be with him. I'm afraid that I have to tell him that I can't be with him anymore.

 

I have to go cry now.

 

Thanks again.

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