Is it wrong to really want to make a mean comment to someone

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Ok so I have been talking to this guy a few days (met on OKC) he is super cute blah blah yesterday I told him I had CP, I didn't wait and stuff and he took it really well, he said it was fine and he didn't care. Today he texts me he is like "oh I am really sorry I thought about what you said and I know myself and I just don't know if you are active enough" blah blah same old **** different day. I just said "ok" but I really REALLY want to go off on him like I really want to just tell him to go **** himself, like seriously shoot yourself.. I'm so mad! I don't even know why I'm so mad, it isn't as if I haven't heard that line before.. I mean really you want some gross buff person girl with a dick almost? Kill yourself times 10. I'm so mad, my face just got so hot.. Can I say that to him? Should I just let it go? idk... I'm so pissed, I don't even know why.. I should just get used to being ****ing single and sad forever because 22 years.. haven't met anyone yet.. like really kill myself.

Edited February 1, 2013 by ImperfectionisBeauty

[runningfar]

I mean really you want some gross buff person girl .

That is just as wrong a way of thinking of having a problem with your medical issues....

 

Also, it seems reasonable unless you are very active anyhow. Amount of activity is something good to have in common. I couldn't date someone who wasn't capable of keeping up with me and being out moving constantly. It wouldn't work.

I've heard that line about people with extra weight when I am more physically active than most people saying it so I know it can just be a line, but it very well could be a true assessment too. Why waste your time?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

That is just as wrong a way of thinking of having a problem with your medical issues....

 

Also, it seems reasonable unless you are very active anyhow. Amount of activity is something good to have in common. I couldn't date someone who wasn't capable of keeping up with me and being out moving constantly. It wouldn't work.

I've heard that line about people with extra weight when I am more physically active than most people saying it so I know it can just be a line, but it very well could be a true assessment too. Why waste your time?

 

The thing is CP doesn't make me paralyzed you know? I HAVE to be active or my muscles stiffen up. I have been in physical therapy since I was 15 months, 2 times a week. I go to the gym so I mean I am active. I might not be climbing mountains or hiking (I could probably hike) but I am active. But it's whatever I guess. I guess I don't want waste all his precious time he could be running damn marathons or some crap that "active" people do.

[runningfar]

The thing is CP doesn't make me paralyzed you know? I HAVE to be active or my muscles stiffen up. I have been in physical therapy since I was 15 months, 2 times a week. I go to the gym so I mean I am active. I might not be climbing mountains or hiking (I could probably hike) but I am active. But it's whatever I guess. I guess I don't want waste all his precious time he could be running damn marathons or some crap that "active" people do.

 

Okay, so again, it could just be a line -- in which case, who cares? My mindset is, if someone doesn't want to be with you, step to the left and find someone who does. Don't give them the time of day. It's not going to affect him any to have you smart off about it-- except maybe to make him think he's worth more than he is...

 

But, just as the active thing-- For example, this weekend, my boyfriend and I are backpacking in to the woods, setting up camp, going for a 60 mile bike ride Saturday, and rock climbing Sunday -- and we will run together both days on top. It's not for everyone. (especially since there is no shower, haha!) If he did not enjoy these things, we'd get very little time together because I want to go do those things. It is an issue of compatibility so much as anything else like religion, not an indictment of you.

 

Sorry it hurt your feelings.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The thing is CP doesn't make me paralyzed you know? I HAVE to be active or my muscles stiffen up. I have been in physical therapy since I was 15 months, 2 times a week. I go to the gym so I mean I am active. I might not be climbing mountains or hiking (I could probably hike) but I am active. But it's whatever I guess. I guess I don't want waste all his precious time he could be running damn marathons or some crap that "active" people do.

 

You sound more active than a lot of lazy people to me.

 

But this is the chance you are taking by not telling people your condition until "after" you are getting to know them...you made a post about this before. You're essentially dropping a bomb on them...oh "BTW, I have this serious condition with a scary title that you probably know nothing about...please don't freak out because I use a cane to walk and can't do this or that...please assume the worse as well because I'll explain nothing to you about the limitations of my disability, and even if I do now you're in shock and don't even know how to react...you are in handicap fear mode"

 

It's like the "oh...btw I'm married" guy...It's pretty much a big deal, and not everyone is going to be ok with it, but then again you don't see the married guys striking out all the time necessarily right? but then again they usually "drop the bomb" at a later time...after that person has interest or emotions invested. It's manipulative to that extent in my opinion, even though I believe you would try the same thing...and then still be disappointed, which to me isn't right.

 

Now I'm not saying you are extremely late or how could you wait a few days to tell somebody either, because I could imagine how difficult or uncomfortable that may be to say that...but how are you going to expect them to react? think about if you were in their shoes and you knew nothing about the condition (hard to imagine here but) you can probably imagine what the reaction may be like. Chances are you're not going to immediately butcher or reject that person if you have any manners anyway, you'll just say oh ok, try to make them feel ok or better about it...do some research, think about it some more then decide that this is just something you can't deal with without understanding anything about it really.

 

I know you're just venting and upset, but a lot of times how you say it can make a world of difference...right now the timing doesn't seem to be working for you well, and the strategy in how you're going about explaining it or expressing it is overwhelming people. This might not be "fair" to you because you've got to go an extra mile and figure out how to break this down to people but unless you try different things out and find out how to warm people up to it or just bam let them know beforehand before feeling tricked or manipulated in any way then you can only expect these kind of results.

 

You're expecting people around your age and maybe even a little bit older to understand some not so common knowledge medical condition...soooo unless they are in med school, have a relative or know someone who has some sort of disability it's still going to be totally new and shocking to most people your age...I'm sorry but you're not going to have men flying all over you with your condition, but you've got to learn to accept that and move on...you can't undo it and make it out like every experience you've had with a man is thwarted by your condition...you've got to be more accepting of it and stop hiding behind your condition, you're just going to create this tense pressure type situation with anxiety and fear that the next guy is going to drop you for having CP.

 

And honestly ImperfectionisBeauty if you were on the other side of the fence and didn't have your condition I doubt you'd give many men the time of day or any chances...I could imagine if you were a model you'd be one of those most stuck-up, entitled woman with the highest expectations. You do not seem like a very humble or understanding and accepting person yourself from what I've seen on this forum.

 

But with that being said...I used to be on OKCupid a number of years and gave quite a bit of dating advice on there as well, especially with profiles and pictures...I can try help you with any advice on how to figure out how to include your CP in your profile or mention maybe having some condition beforehand without specifying or even just how you mention it in your conversation.

[scratch]

Ok so I have been talking to this guy a few days (met on OKC) he is super cute blah blah yesterday I told him I had CP, I didn't wait and stuff and he took it really well, he said it was fine and he didn't care. Today he texts me he is like "oh I am really sorry I thought about what you said and I know myself and I just don't know if you are active enough" blah blah same old **** different day.

 

You walk with a cane, right? I have to say, that would be a real turnoff for me. Maybe it's similar to being a really, really short guy; just a visceral, instinctive dealbreaker. Worse yet, men may be slightly more shallow about that sort of thing than women.

 

The best thing you can do is just try to keep staying active, not so guys will see you in a better light, but because it'll feel good, help you look your best, encourage you to put yourself out there, and best of all, keep you busy until your guy comes along.

[FitChick]

You're essentially dropping a bomb on them...oh "BTW, I have this serious condition

No different than someone not posting their photo, becoming emotionally invested in them and then you see a pic and you're not attracted. Awkwardness and embarrassment easily avoided.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

I'm sorry you have CP but you are really flying off the handle.

 

That guy was being HONEST. Or would you rather he have led you on for awhile, even slept with you and then dumped you?

[todreaminblue]

Ok so I have been talking to this guy a few days (met on OKC) he is super cute blah blah yesterday I told him I had CP, I didn't wait and stuff and he took it really well, he said it was fine and he didn't care. Today he texts me he is like "oh I am really sorry I thought about what you said and I know myself and I just don't know if you are active enough" blah blah same old **** different day. I just said "ok" but I really REALLY want to go off on him like I really want to just tell him to go **** himself, like seriously shoot yourself.. I'm so mad! I don't even know why I'm so mad, it isn't as if I haven't heard that line before.. I mean really you want some gross buff person girl with a dick almost? Kill yourself times 10. I'm so mad, my face just got so hot.. Can I say that to him? Should I just let it go? idk... I'm so pissed, I don't even know why.. I should just get used to being ****ing single and sad forever because 22 years.. haven't met anyone yet.. like really kill myself.

 

he just wasnt the right one for you beauty, better he tell you now than later,i go out with active guys and i carry extra weight, i love the outdoors, love exploring, but i liek to stay home too, i think its good to have a balance when you are sharing a life and as another poster said , it is good to have common interests, it doesnt really matter what that guys interest were now or what he likes, what is important is what you want and like, also another important point is, you are free to pursue someone who likes who you are, what you like to do and can share your passions, having someone judge your activity level and find you wanting, isnt attractive anyway is it?.....best of luck ....deb

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Ok well I got all that out.. Now I don't have to be mad anymore. I was just super bummed because he was really hot, he had like super abs and did all this cool exercise training and so I was kinda hopeful about this one.. And he wanted a REAL relationship, he seemed super genuine.. But now to me he's just a piece of **** ******* (a really cute one.. But still).

[nessaaa]

Wtf is the matter with you.

 

You cant find a man-----omg omg omg omg ur doomed for life. Girl re-LAX. Plus youre young and beautiful youre suppose to be breaking hearts and enjoying your youth before your boobs get saggy.

Edited February 1, 2013 by nessaaa

[snowflakes88]

I've seen you post "superficial" things all the time, like wanting a hot white guy with a great body. Other people have the right to be superficial, too.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Wtf is the matter with you.

 

You cant find a man-----omg omg omg omg ur doomed for life. Girl re-LAX. Plus youre young and beautiful youre suppose to be breaking hearts and enjoying your youth before your boobs get saggy.

 

I know I'm probably gonna look back in 10 years and hate myself because I have been looking for guys since I was like a senior in HS, I ruined some pretty fun good experiences looking for guys haha.

[sweetkiwi]

I've seen you post "superficial" things all the time, like wanting a hot white guy with a great body. Other people have the right to be superficial, too.

 

Exxxactly.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I've seen you post "superficial" things all the time, like wanting a hot white guy with a great body. Other people have the right to be superficial, too.

 

Ok NO! You don't get to be superficial and make someone feel like **** because they have a HANDICAP. It would be different if I was 100 pounds overweight or something (even then you can be tactful... he was tactful I will give him that) but to fault me for something I had no control over is wrongwrongwrong. For the record I don't turn down guys because they aren't white.. If I am attracted to a black guy I will go out with him, if I am attracted to a guy with a little extra I will go out with him. He was attracted to me, that is why he messaged me and told me how "beautiful" I was (pfft!) so I automatically became ugly when I told him I had CP?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Exxxactly.

 

Actually... NO.

[TaraMaiden]

How's about not telling them?

When you turn up on a date, and if they make any comment, ask them -

 

"why is this relevant?"

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

Your problem is you lack empathy. You actually have a COMPLETE lack of empathy.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person but it will make you APPEAR to be a bad person at times.

 

I don't know if it's immaturity or an actual personality disorder, but sometimes, when you feel like everyone is attacking you...you have to sit back and wonder...WHY?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

How's about not telling them?

When you turn up on a date, and if they make any comment, ask them -

 

"why is this relevant?"

 

I don't know, I always felt like that would be mean. A friend of mine told me not to tell them because it shouldn't matter at all but what if they like walk out on the date or something?

[bodhesatva]

Regarding the topic at hand, I do feel that people in general (not just the OP in particular) are especially sensitive about things they cannot change.

 

It's why so many guys are sensitive about penis size. If you've got tiny biceps you can work out, but if you have a small penis... sucks to be you, basically. Nothing you can do about it.

 

If someone tells you that they don't like you because you don't shower enough, that can sound really insulting but at least there is an easy solution to the problem: shower more. In the OP's case, there is simply nothing she can do about her cerebral palsy, and that sort of insult can burn particularly badly.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know, I always felt like that would be mean. A friend of mine told me not to tell them because it shouldn't matter at all but what if they like walk out on the date or something?

 

Why?

It's not mean at all.

Do they ever say to you,

"Oh, by the way, I wear glasses"...?

if they walk out on the date - then you don't want to be with them anyway.

in fact, doing that is several notches below what that guy said to you.

 

But I do have to agree with KungFuJoe:

You seem to lack empathy.

You comments about other people, in other topics have always seemed self-centred and shallow, and you are extremely hyper-critical of others, without really stopping to think about them as humans.

 

This has put you on the receiving end and you don't like it.

The guy was out of line, I agree.

But maybe you can understand why others would be so damn annoyed with you for making judgemental remarks about others, without any prior knowledge of them as individuals.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hey OP - maybe you should try not telling them. They may think it's worse than it is as CP can be quite severe.

 

I once went on a date (from OLD) with a guy that was in a wheelchair. He never told me this, so I was stunned when I saw him for the first time. I did understand why he didn't tell me and we had a nice time. I actually found him cute and funny and we went on 2 more dates.

 

On date 3, he confessed that all his relationships ended because he cheated. I decided not to see him again because of that.

[KungFuJoe]

Hey OP - maybe you should try not telling them. They may think it's worse than it is as CP can be quite severe.

 

I once went on a date (from OLD) with a guy that was in a wheelchair. He never told me this, so I was stunned when I saw him for the first time. I did understand why he didn't tell me and we had a nice time. I actually found him cute and funny and we went on 2 more dates.

 

On date 3, he confessed that all his relationships ended because he cheated. I decided not to see him again because of that.

 

Hold up...dudes in WHEELCHAIRS are CHEATING?

 

Don't tell DJTiesto that. He makes 7 figures, looks like Mario Lopez and has two good legs and he can't find a date, let alone someone to cheat on or with.

[snowflakes88]

Ok NO! You don't get to be superficial and make someone feel like **** because they have a HANDICAP. It would be different if I was 100 pounds overweight or something (even then you can be tactful... he was tactful I will give him that) but to fault me for something I had no control over is wrongwrongwrong. For the record I don't turn down guys because they aren't white.. If I am attracted to a black guy I will go out with him, if I am attracted to a guy with a little extra I will go out with him. He was attracted to me, that is why he messaged me and told me how "beautiful" I was (pfft!) so I automatically became ugly when I told him I had CP?

 

You made a whole thread ragging on a guy your friend was thinking about dating because he was "so ugly." I'm guessing he was born with the looks he has and can't change them short of surgery, but you thought it was okay to come on a messageboard to trash his looks. All I'm saying is that you can't be superficial yourself and then turn around and get self-righteous when you're on the other end.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You made a whole thread ragging on a guy your friend was thinking about dating because he was "so ugly." I'm guessing he was born with the looks he has and can't change them short of surgery, but you thought it was okay to come on a messageboard to trash his looks. All I'm saying is that you can't be superficial yourself and then turn around and get self-righteous when you're on the other end.

 

Maybe if you would have read a little more into that thread I eventually just said I was jealous and he wasn't a horrible looking guy.. He wasn't my type at all but he doesn't have to put a paper bag on his face. I definitely do get to go and be pissed as hell when someone decides not to talk to me because of something I can't help.. Handicapness and ugliness aren't on the same level... eventually someone will accept someones ugliness.