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Bf kissed another girl while drunk...


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Old 25th January 2013, 12:09 PM   #1
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Bf kissed another girl while drunk...

So my boyfriend of 2 years just told me last week he kissed another girl while drunk. This girl confessed to him about 2 years ago and apparently never stopped having feelings. He didn't know, since he still thought they were friends and have been for several years before. I suppose if he'd known then he wouldn't have gone bar-hopping with her. He said while they were waiting to sober up she started spilling her feelings again, and for that second he didn't think and initiated the kiss.

I don't know how to feel.

On one hand, my rational side thinks its not a huge deal cos I mean it's only a kiss, and he told me after a relatively short interval. This is not something to break up over, and he's blocked all future contact with this girl. He's very sorry and I know that he loves me and wants this relationship to work. I want this to work cos he's good to be with and I've been happy so far

On the other hand I'm a bit confused cos….I don't know why I'm not more angry about this. I'm upset that it happened yes, but I've been cheated on before (that went waaay past kissing) and that incident completely destroyed me. Why is the only thing I can feel now just a sad "well, see how unlucky you are that it happened to you again". Then again I'm the kind of person that takes a long time to realise how upset I really am, so maybe there's an explosion waiting to happen.

He said that he was lonely cos we'd both gone home for Christmas in our respective countries, and I admit I hadn't talked to him that much for that month. However my excuse for that is I haven't seen my family and friends for almost a year. I'm considering moving to the States for a few years following college to get work exp, so I wanted to spend as much time together because I don't know when I'll be back. I guess I could have tried to talk more but I'm under a lot of stress

And now I'm angry at myself for even wondering if this was my fault, cos it reminds me when my ex cheated he blamed me for not trying harder.

I guess I just want to know how to fix this without feeling I'm being too easy on him or blowing this into a huge drama.
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:17 PM   #2
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Go look at the Cheating, Flirting and Jealousy forum here and read the posts by the men.

All the posts where a guy says "my girlfriend kissed another guy while being drunk" say "Dump her." ESPECIALLY if she initiated the kiss.
All relationships have periods where things arent perfect, and people that **** up during these time periods will continue their behavior because odds are, your relationship wont be perfectly happy for the rest of its existence.

I say let him go. Sounds like any woman that gives him attention, it flatters his ego and he will cheat.
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:29 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Treble Clef View Post
He said that he was lonely cos we'd both gone home for Christmas in our respective countries, and I admit I hadn't talked to him that much for that month. However my excuse for that is I haven't seen my family and friends for almost a year. I'm considering moving to the States for a few years following college to get work exp, so I wanted to spend as much time together because I don't know when I'll be back. I guess I could have tried to talk more but I'm under a lot of stress
And now I'm angry at myself for even wondering if this was my fault, cos it reminds me when my ex cheated he blamed me for not trying harder.
I guess I just want to know how to fix this without feeling I'm being too easy on him or blowing this into a huge drama.
I'm not sure how you should feel about this either. +1 He has seemingly been honest with you about it. Even down to the point where he admits to initiating... most guys would lie and try to minimize their involvement even when coming clean.

On the other hand... he did kinda cheat, and you shouldn't be happy about that.

It would be much easier for me if you had caught him. Then I would say... dump the jerk. As it is.... this situation is confusing.

One thing I can say FOR SURE is that this isnt your fault in any way. Most likely the girl confessing her feelings just caught him at a moment where he pitied her.
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:31 PM   #4
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I don't accept cheating, so it would be a dealbreaker to me (especially when you are 'only' dating!).

What else I read in your post: you are not that angry, and this (ofcourse) surprises you. (but different studies show that women are more likely to forgive their cheating spouse then men.)

If you deciside to start forgiving him and building on the relationship:

first ask yourself why are 'not that' angry at him? (when you figure this out it can be easier for you to make an desicion

Is he still friends with her, and planning on staying friends? If so walk away!
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:34 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by pbjbear View Post
Go look at the Cheating, Flirting and Jealousy forum here and read the posts by the men.

All the posts where a guy says "my girlfriend kissed another guy while being drunk" say "Dump her." ESPECIALLY if she initiated the kiss.
All relationships have periods where things arent perfect, and people that **** up during these time periods will continue their behavior because odds are, your relationship wont be perfectly happy for the rest of its existence.

I say let him go. Sounds like any woman that gives him attention, it flatters his ego and he will cheat.
I dont understand the anger that is coming from this post?

Also: 90% of all the kissing etc is initiated by the guy. It is very rare if a women is initiated the first kiss.
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:38 PM   #6
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I dont understand the anger that is coming from this post?

Also: 90% of all the kissing etc is initiated by the guy. It is very rare if a women is initiated the first kiss.
My anger is that men are not held to the same standards as women and I think its bull****. Women are expected to forgive cheating and men are always irate over it.

You made up that stat...there is no way you could possibly know 10% of women initiate kisses. You are really naiive...I know tons of women with boyfriends who initiated kissing when they were drunk.

The OP said it takes awhile for her feelings to catch up to her...if she stays with her boyfriend this incident will creep up later. I am the same way with my feelings...I process them slower and this has always been the case for me.

Last edited by pbjbear; 25th January 2013 at 12:40 PM..
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:48 PM   #7
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I think the whole ''but I was drunk'' excuse is bull****. He kissed her point final. What you do with that information is up to you. He knows what he was doing, sure he told you, cool I guess, now what? How is it your fault if you were cheated on in the past? The cheater cheats 'cause he can and that's it. It's not you, it's never about you. Should you be angry? That's up to you really. I would be angry. Just a kiss? I don't see it like that but ehhh. I have an old soul.
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:50 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by pbjbear View Post
My anger is that men are not held to the same standards as women and I think its bull****. Women are expected to forgive cheating and men are always irate over it.

You made up that stat...there is no way you could possibly know 10% of women initiate kisses. You are really naiive...I know tons of women with boyfriends who initiated kissing when they were drunk.
First, men and women are different, have different needs and boundaries and expectations form the other gender. (doesn't mean I think a woman should 'always' forgive her man after cheating, and the man should 'always' walk away). I know guys who say that they will forgive their gf's if they cheated and they are dead serious about it.

Women have body language for us guys to make it clear she wants to be kissed. Why would that be? Ofcourse some women initiate the kissing (it happend to me also with my first kiss ) But that is more an exception then a rule. She even told me later, she did it, because she felt a little frustrated that I didn't kiss her first.
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Old 25th January 2013, 12:59 PM   #9
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First, men and women are different, have different needs and boundaries and expectations form the other gender. (doesn't mean I think a woman should 'always' forgive her man after cheating, and the man should 'always' walk away). I know guys who say that they will forgive their gf's if they cheated and they are dead serious about it.

Women have body language for us guys to make it clear she wants to be kissed. Why would that be? Ofcourse some women initiate the kissing (it happend to me also with my first kiss ) But that is more an exception then a rule. She even told me later, she did it, because she felt a little frustrated that I didn't kiss her first.
I would stop generalizing from your one incident.
Yeah, men and women have different expectations...our society is ridden with double standards saying its okay for a guy to cheat and be disrespectful and damage his gf/wife's trust and that when the woman does the same, shes evil. Many men will come up with any excuse to justify this behavior...it all comes down to power. Men want the power to do what they want and not be held accountable, while at the same time their gf's have to act more appropriate than them.
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Old 25th January 2013, 1:06 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by pbjbear View Post
I would stop generalizing from your one incident.
Yeah, men and women have different expectations...our society is ridden with double standards saying its okay for a guy to cheat and be disrespectful and damage his gf/wife's trust and that when the woman does the same, shes evil. Many men will come up with any excuse to justify this behavior...it all comes down to power. Men want the power to do what they want and not be held accountable, while at the same time their gf's have to act more appropriate than them.
I never ever met a guy who said: "its alright for an guy to cheat and not for a woman". I do have met women who have said something on those line, btw

Their are ofcourse double standards, but what I read from your post: you only focus on things that are in favour of a guy. Also I read more excusses from women in the infidelity board then from men.

Cheating is never okay, doesn't matter if its a guy or girl. The thing is:

Guy will ask something about any fysical actions

a girl will ask: do you have feelings for her, or something like that.

So from this perspective: men and women will react different.
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Old 25th January 2013, 1:23 PM   #11
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It's a ****ing kiss. If the guy is in love with you and you are in love with him this is what you should do.
- Tell him that that it's a problem and he needs to fix it. You don't care how, but he needs to fix it. If that means that he should never see ANY female friends ever again then so be it, but you can have no relationship if there is no trust and he NEEDS TO regain your trust. That's it. Plain and simple.

If he loves you, he ll do whatever it takes. And that's when you ll know you can trust him/
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Old 25th January 2013, 1:36 PM   #12
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I never ever met a guy who said: "its alright for an guy to cheat and not for a woman". I do have met women who have said something on those line, btw

Their are ofcourse double standards, but what I read from your post: you only focus on things that are in favour of a guy. Also I read more excusses from women in the infidelity board then from men.

Cheating is never okay, doesn't matter if its a guy or girl. The thing is:

Guy will ask something about any fysical actions

a girl will ask: do you have feelings for her, or something like that.

So from this perspective: men and women will react different.
She was implying she wasnt sure how she should feel...she should be mad. Since she said it takes awhile for her feelings to come out, I am pretty sure she will be mad later down the road...especially if he does something else that is kind of shady

You do need to examine things from the other direction. BOTH partners need to be held accountable (although people dont seem to agree nowadays...) Thatd be a weird relationship otherwise

Last edited by pbjbear; 25th January 2013 at 1:43 PM..
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Old 25th January 2013, 1:54 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by pbjbear View Post
She was implying she wasnt sure how she should feel...she should be mad. Since she said it takes awhile for her feelings to come out, I am pretty sure she will be mad later down the road...especially if he does something else that is kind of shady
Read my post to OP. I also find it strange she is not mad like hell. And I advise her to reflect on her own feelings why she isn't.

Quote:
You do need to examine things from the other direction. BOTH partners need to be held accountable (although people dont seem to agree nowadays...) Thatd be a weird relationship otherwise
I disagree that you can hold both partners for the betrayal of one. I read a few articles that showed the WSs are the ones that is responsible for most of the problems in a relationship, even before the affaire, cheating started.
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Old 25th January 2013, 2:19 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Treble Clef View Post
So my boyfriend of 2 years just told me last week he kissed another girl while drunk. This girl confessed to him about 2 years ago and apparently never stopped having feelings. He didn't know, since he still thought they were friends and have been for several years before. I suppose if he'd known then he wouldn't have gone bar-hopping with her. He said while they were waiting to sober up she started spilling her feelings again, and for that second he didn't think and initiated the kiss.

I don't know how to feel.

On one hand, my rational side thinks its not a huge deal cos I mean it's only a kiss, and he told me after a relatively short interval. This is not something to break up over, and he's blocked all future contact with this girl. He's very sorry and I know that he loves me and wants this relationship to work. I want this to work cos he's good to be with and I've been happy so far

On the other hand I'm a bit confused cos….I don't know why I'm not more angry about this. I'm upset that it happened yes, but I've been cheated on before (that went waaay past kissing) and that incident completely destroyed me. Why is the only thing I can feel now just a sad "well, see how unlucky you are that it happened to you again". Then again I'm the kind of person that takes a long time to realise how upset I really am, so maybe there's an explosion waiting to happen.

He said that he was lonely cos we'd both gone home for Christmas in our respective countries, and I admit I hadn't talked to him that much for that month. However my excuse for that is I haven't seen my family and friends for almost a year. I'm considering moving to the States for a few years following college to get work exp, so I wanted to spend as much time together because I don't know when I'll be back. I guess I could have tried to talk more but I'm under a lot of stress

And now I'm angry at myself for even wondering if this was my fault, cos it reminds me when my ex cheated he blamed me for not trying harder.

I guess I just want to know how to fix this without feeling I'm being too easy on him or blowing this into a huge drama.
If he told you on his own, not on the verge of being caught, and is no longer in any contact with this girl, and is truly apologetic, I'd forgive him for a drunken mistake.
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Old 25th January 2013, 3:05 PM   #15
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I think it depends on the situation. Where were they? What was the environment? How did he get to the point where this happened?

In my mind? He kissed a girl. Yes, it's a betrayal and kind of cheating, but it's also not the end of the world. Don't lose sight of the fact that he could have done much, much worse things than kissing her, and he didn't. Not to mention, he told you about it. It may be something to be concerned about, or at least to consider the implications of, but I wouldn't panic just yet.

Being drunk isn't an excuse, but its absolutely a contributor. I and many others have done things drunk without even thinking about them. Sometimes things do "just happen" in a sense, even though we usually put ourselves in those situations.

I don't see how it could be your fault. It was his action. If you feel that there are problems in your relationship, or that he has feelings for this girl that will complicate your relationship, then you need to talk to him about that.

Too many people run for the hills at the first sign of trouble. If you're not incredibly upset, I see no reason to force yourself to be. Think about your relationship, what you want, and whether you want to continue in this one.
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