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My new guy is stressed out, what do I do?


stellargirl

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I started dating someone about a month ago, so it's still really new. We are still getting to know one another, etc. And things have been going really really well. He's great! And it really seems like the feelings are mutual. This is the first guy that I have liked (who actually likes me back) since my previous relationship, which was a tough breakup and left me emotionally scared. So I am REALLY trying not to mess things up, and keep the "crazy" under control hahaha

 

Within the past week, I noticed some changes in him. When I've tried to make plans with him, he avoids my question. His "good mornings" and "goodnights" have become more generic. He's not as... "cutesy" as he was even over this past weekend. When I asked him about it, he finally revealed that he has been really stressed out, financially. He is newly self-employed (as am I), and still struggling to get his business up and running steadily. And I know he feels embarrassed and like crap because he can't take me out right now or can barely afford extra gas to come see me (we live about 45 min apart). Which I totally understand since I am in the same boat. What a pair we are, right?!

 

Anyways, being that we are still so new to each other, I still don't know how he ticks. So how do I handle this? I really like him, and he tells me we (he and I) are fine and not to worry. I'm just not sure how to deal with this type of issue so new in a relationship.

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I started dating someone about a month ago, so it's still really new. We are still getting to know one another, etc. And things have been going really really well. He's great! And it really seems like the feelings are mutual. This is the first guy that I have liked (who actually likes me back) since my previous relationship, which was a tough breakup and left me emotionally scared. So I am REALLY trying not to mess things up, and keep the "crazy" under control hahaha

 

Within the past week, I noticed some changes in him. When I've tried to make plans with him, he avoids my question. His "good mornings" and "goodnights" have become more generic. He's not as... "cutesy" as he was even over this past weekend. When I asked him about it, he finally revealed that he has been really stressed out, financially. He is newly self-employed (as am I), and still struggling to get his business up and running steadily. And I know he feels embarrassed and like crap because he can't take me out right now or can barely afford extra gas to come see me (we live about 45 min apart). Which I totally understand since I am in the same boat. What a pair we are, right?!

 

Anyways, being that we are still so new to each other, I still don't know how he ticks. So how do I handle this? I really like him, and he tells me we (he and I) are fine and not to worry. I'm just not sure how to deal with this type of issue so new in a relationship.

 

If I may, what happened in your previous relationship that left you emotionally scared? Also, how long ago was that breakup?

 

As to your guy problems, he is going through a tough time as many people are. He feels like he is suppose to be the man and take you out and have fun with you and he probably feels like he is letting you down or maybe your going to lose interest in him if he cant do things you might enjoy. I think for now you should try and talk to him about this and let him know your there for him and just listen to his problems. Coming from a guy, if a girl I am seeing cares enough to listen to my problems and be there for me its a positive. What kind of business is he trying to do? Sorry if I am asking to personal of questions.

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Hi Panther, lol

My last relationship ended about a 1 1/2 years ago, but was kind of on and off till about a couple months ago it ended for good. We were together 2 years, the first year was great, amazing actually (we were friends for a couple years before that). So when we had got together, it was as if everything fell into place. We were awesome together and everyone around us saw it too. Once we were into our 2nd year together, everything started moving backwards. When I would try talking to him about it, he would just say nothing was wrong... but women's intuition said otherwise. Plans of moving in together were cancelled, marriage and kids he kept saying he wasn't ready for it (mind you he was 8 yrs older than me, divorced with 2 kids. A situation i didn't want to get into, but after being friends for so long, i fell for him. And he knew by dating me meant marriage and kids WERE in the future, deal breaker for me). Anyways, I was feeling like he was one foot in one foot out the door. Always telling me we are fine, its going to happen... but his actions were saying otherwise and I wasn't feeling like a priority anymore. *Note: I have been known to be a very rational person, I don't act without thinking. I don't throw tantrums* Anyways, one day we got in a tiff (again what was important to me, he dismissed) and I didn't hear from him for about a week. During that week, I was getting more upset and packed his stuff (he had a drawer at my place). He came over as if nothing had happened and saw his stuff packed, He didn't even fight it, he just left. So each time we would start things up again after that, it was the same thing. I'd feel like his everything until one day he backs off. He and I are still in contact, not bff's by any means. But there is still that mutual connection and bond. But now I feel like "ok, we can still love each other, but we are just not going to be together." We keep our distance. And I'm ok with it and am so ready to move on.

 

But now... it is hard for me to trust when a guy im dating tells me things are okay. And right when I would start feeling like I can relax and let my guard down, is when they leave. So with this guy, he's telling me everything is fine, and I believe him, but I am still so sensitive. Each week that goes by and he still here, shocks me. I keep expecting him to stop talking to me or start pushing away. I'm terrified! But when he stops and just stares at me with "that look," or tells me that he likes that I'm an affectionate person bc he's not, I have to tell myself to relax. That's why I say I am trying to keep the "crazy" under control, because I don't want to do something stupid and push him away. UGH! already I sound like a mess =/ I don't want my past to mess with my future. So while I am trying to put all that behind me, all while trying to deal with this new obstacle. HAHA

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Didn't mean for that to be so long lol

 

BTW I wasn't looking to date bc I knew I was still an emotional mess. But when you least expect it...

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When I asked him about it, he finally revealed that he has been really stressed out, financially.

 

Anyways, being that we are still so new to each other, I still don't know how he ticks. So how do I handle this? I really like him, and he tells me we (he and I) are fine and not to worry. I'm just not sure how to deal with this type of issue so new in a relationship.

 

In my opinion, you have to take him at his word and give him some space to work through it.

 

Sometimes we jump to the conclusion that it's about us, and that's not always the case.

 

Guys like to feel like they have their stuff together in order to feel more secure about dating. If that's what this is about, I'd let him know you're there for him if he needs anything, but resist the urge to lay more pressure on him by questioning how he feels about you.

 

It's much easier for a guy to open up when he doesn't feel pressured.

 

Just give him a little space.

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Ninjainpajamas

So why is this guy dating if he is consumed with stress and unable financially to visit someone 45 mins away?

 

Men don't do well with stress...at least most of them, when they're struggling everything is consumed by that, men identify their self-worth with being the provider or successful...just like women obsess over men and their feelings, and feel they superficially have to hold up, that's the man version essentially.

 

So this is a very bad situation you are in...you're with a guy who doesn't sound affectionate or expressive, likely emotionally unavailable and seems distracted with more important things in his life right now.

 

One month is nothing, not even a scratch on the surface. It's easy to be attentive within that amount of time, sure some guys are too lazy or disinterested to even do that but be realistic...it's not like you guys have a relationship at this point even if he's talking all lovey dovey and about the future...which is just some guys MO, it's how they swoon the ladies. So I would say what you are experiencing is normal.

 

I think you're going to get excuses from here on out, ultimately leading up to not ready for a relationship, that's the vibe I'm getting here form your post.

 

I would talk to him about it and find out exactly what cards are on the table and where he is at...just "get to know him" instead of playing patty cake in lovey dovey land, that might not be the funniest most exciting thing to do when you see him, but if you want to make sure you don't waste your time, energy and emotions you better start playing detective quick and figuring out where this guy stands because if you leave it up to men, by the time they tell you it's going to be way too late...just like the last guy....who btw, strung you along, he knew he wasn't ready for what you were for a long time, but he played stupid and hot n cold...many a man favorite form of communication.

 

So learn from your last situation...I don't want to see you get hurt, you don't want to go through that again, instead of being paranoid, express yourself, communicate, don't play the little beat around bush game that most women play because they don't want to step on any toes, it's a ridiculous strategy...and look around LS, it's not too effective!

 

But of course...you can always call that friend of yours that will tell you what you want to hear, why listen to me! ;)

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Hi Panther, lol

My last relationship ended about a 1 1/2 years ago, but was kind of on and off till about a couple months ago it ended for good. We were together 2 years, the first year was great, amazing actually (we were friends for a couple years before that). So when we had got together, it was as if everything fell into place. We were awesome together and everyone around us saw it too. Once we were into our 2nd year together, everything started moving backwards. When I would try talking to him about it, he would just say nothing was wrong... but women's intuition said otherwise. Plans of moving in together were cancelled, marriage and kids he kept saying he wasn't ready for it (mind you he was 8 yrs older than me, divorced with 2 kids. A situation i didn't want to get into, but after being friends for so long, i fell for him. And he knew by dating me meant marriage and kids WERE in the future, deal breaker for me). Anyways, I was feeling like he was one foot in one foot out the door. Always telling me we are fine, its going to happen... but his actions were saying otherwise and I wasn't feeling like a priority anymore. *Note: I have been known to be a very rational person, I don't act without thinking. I don't throw tantrums* Anyways, one day we got in a tiff (again what was important to me, he dismissed) and I didn't hear from him for about a week. During that week, I was getting more upset and packed his stuff (he had a drawer at my place). He came over as if nothing had happened and saw his stuff packed, He didn't even fight it, he just left. So each time we would start things up again after that, it was the same thing. I'd feel like his everything until one day he backs off. He and I are still in contact, not bff's by any means. But there is still that mutual connection and bond. But now I feel like "ok, we can still love each other, but we are just not going to be together." We keep our distance. And I'm ok with it and am so ready to move on.

 

But now... it is hard for me to trust when a guy im dating tells me things are okay. And right when I would start feeling like I can relax and let my guard down, is when they leave. So with this guy, he's telling me everything is fine, and I believe him, but I am still so sensitive. Each week that goes by and he still here, shocks me. I keep expecting him to stop talking to me or start pushing away. I'm terrified! But when he stops and just stares at me with "that look," or tells me that he likes that I'm an affectionate person bc he's not, I have to tell myself to relax. That's why I say I am trying to keep the "crazy" under control, because I don't want to do something stupid and push him away. UGH! already I sound like a mess =/ I don't want my past to mess with my future. So while I am trying to put all that behind me, all while trying to deal with this new obstacle. HAHA

 

 

It sounds like neither of you are really ready for a relationship. He is stressed from his lack of work or getting things off the ground with his business and your still hurt from the previous relationship. Ultimately, this will end in disaster. I have a long time friend whom is pretty much doing the same thing as you, except she is just living in the moment so to speak. She isnt even divorced yet. Before you get attached to this guy or invest more feelings with him you need to get him to open up to you and you need to do the same for him. Figure out what you both want out of the relationship and go from there. Otherwise one or both parties will end up getting hurt and it could effect future relationships.

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