Jump to content

Communicating emotional guardedness to someone of interest?


063rneb

Recommended Posts

So I've come to the conclusion, through researching the concept of being "emotionally guarded" and reading the same story in several articles/archived threads (which is how I found here) that it is what my problem is. The question is, how would I communicate this with somebody without pushing them away? It is extremely obvious that it's not going to work itself out any other way, but I'm horrible at the indirect nature of communicating while dating so I don't have a clue where to begin. With my latest failure, it got to the point where, when I decided to tell her that all I need is for her to be open for me to initiate things when I'm comfortable with it, instead of trying to prod me into doing it, I think it is too little, too late :( I need to know for future reference because it is starting to wear down on me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

isn't emotionally guarded essentially the same as emotionally unavailable? so, you shouldn't be dating anyone until you work out your issues with therapy, drugs, or whatever you need to do in order to be healthy and ready to date, and not need to explain away your problems. emotionally healthy people have great relationships, emotionally guarded people cannot, imo

Link to post
Share on other sites

Emotionally unavailable is different than emotionally guarded in that the latter might be a symptom of the former, but not its genesis.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP - you don't sound emotionally unavailable to me as you want to have an emotional connection, by the sounds of it.

 

Can you give us some more details about your story? What does emotionally guarded mean to you? And how does your emotional guardedness translate in real situations (what do you do or not do, for instance)?

 

Are you emotionally guarded only with dating, or are you guarded generally with family and friends, etc.?

 

What do you fear that's causing you to guard yourself so much?

 

And what do you think caused you to become so guarded?

 

You don't have to answer these questions, here, of course; but, finding the answers might help you to find some solutions and target strategies to mitigate the impact your guardedness is having on your life.

 

Good luck! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think being able to set boundaries in a firm but kind way is helpful. Not rushing into things is another way to resolve this. You shouldn't tell anyone about any perceived baggage you might have. Just act how you want to be treated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
isn't emotionally guarded essentially the same as emotionally unavailable? so, you shouldn't be dating anyone until you work out your issues with therapy, drugs, or whatever you need to do in order to be healthy and ready to date, and not need to explain away your problems. emotionally healthy people have great relationships, emotionally guarded people cannot, imo

 

That is true, but I wish it was that simple. In the current situation, it's a coworker I've known for a year now. Short story is, we were attracted to each other pretty much from the beginning, and she always did nice things for me and went out of her way to initiate conversations with me. But I tried my hardest to keep my distance in every way possible, thinking it would prevent any strong feelings from forming...and it actually worked, at least for me, until I was hit with the hardest sledgehammer I've ever experienced. One night, in frustration, she acted out directly in front of me with another guy, and after I was too shellshocked to give her any immediate response, she started to cry. I then realized at that point that she was in love with me and heartbroken, and also the same was true about me. Because of my personal decision to not get involved with a coworker ever again (thanks to the serious emotional/psychological abuse from a few years ago - a woman with some father issues of her own, that would become my boss after things failed and terrorized me for two months until I transferred and she gained about 20 pounds from the guilt and quit) until I could afford the therapy required to fix whatever the issue is, I actually denied myself feeling any love for her until I saw her crying and I was so devastated that I ate literally nothing for ten days and my heart started to hurt physically, and my digestive system was so messed up that everything I ate for days after being able to eat again simply came out as the most watery diarrhea I have ever had. It was such a horrendous feeling, like being heartbroken multiplied by about 1000. I've never really had such serious physical symptoms, beyond temporary loss of appetite before :(

 

 

But that's not the end of it. After fighting a long battle to try to fix things, it culminated this last couple weeks when I gave her a Christmas card with a very sweet note telling her that her presence and voice makes my heart melt, and she really appreciated it and invited me to her friend's NYE party (her friend that works with us, and has been helping her through this since she is pretty young and not too socially adept) and it was obvious that she had wanted to have sex that night. And to be honest for those two days preceding the party we were very anxious in anticipation and she didn't leave me alone when I got there. But after a little while, her friend told her to come to another room and play some drinking game with her, probably thinking it would be a turn-off if she was by me all night long. And at that point the ideation of rejection/failure and drawing parallels that didn't really exist (connecting the scenario to previous times I've been hurt) started to occur, and I just felt so uncomfortable that I told her I had to leave early after a little while, to her disappointment. I went home and after the realization hit me, I cried my eyes out and after staying up all night long thinking about everything I decided I was going to tell her the next day at work that I would like to hang out and watch a movie together this weekend...but then she called in the next two days and I haven't heard/seen her since, so I have to assume that she is just as devastated as I am. :( It is now that I understand the depth of my issue. Never before have I been as excited about getting physically intimate as I was, but like others like me, the anticipation/suggesting etc. didn't actually do any good. I've only been able to be physically intimate on my terms, if I feel 100% comfortable, at least for the first time. So I have, it's just that if there is any tiny sign of expectation on her part, even letting me know 100% that she wants it, and I do as well, it just doesn't happen :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

I simply tell the man I'm seeing that I'm guarded and it takes a while for me to open up. If a man can accept that, I will open up to him, if he tries to push me beyond my limits, then it just doesn't work out for us.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP - you don't sound emotionally unavailable to me as you want to have an emotional connection, by the sounds of it.

 

Can you give us some more details about your story? What does emotionally guarded mean to you? And how does your emotional guardedness translate in real situations (what do you do or not do, for instance)?

 

Are you emotionally guarded only with dating, or are you guarded generally with family and friends, etc.?

 

What do you fear that's causing you to guard yourself so much?

 

And what do you think caused you to become so guarded?

 

You don't have to answer these questions, here, of course; but, finding the answers might help you to find some solutions and target strategies to mitigate the impact your guardedness is having on your life.

 

Good luck! :)

 

Well, I DIDN'T want to have an emotional connection recently, but it happened anyway, because I found out the hard way that you cannot prevent love from developing if it is meant to be. You can, however, kill it with fear :sick:

 

I guess, the problem is some kind of serious trust issue. I think I have pinpointed my parent's divorce as the reason, but then again I'm not a psychologist, just an amateur that majored in it for a few semesters lol. But on that note, one of my very first memories was what I considered to be a senseless separation of them, and I literally couldn't understand why because even as a toddler I could sense that it was not lack of love that drove them apart. Turns out it was her father, who told her to leave him or he would cut her off from college funding and what have you (he was a dropout who played in a band and partied etc, the worst enemy of a Conservative/Patriarch/iron fist father). Even now, 20 years later, she treats him like the Devil for absolutely no other conceivable reason, and he still loves her. So I think there is a subconscious fear that I will be betrayed in the very worst of ways just like my father was, which just happened to be one of my very first memories, and I remember coming across something in one of my Personality courses that your earliest memories often help shape who you are. That seems like the most likely culprit. I've been like this ever since my first real girlfriend at age 13, when I couldn't kiss her and she dumped me so it's not like I have a failed romance to blame; the pattern has existed from the very beginning so it precedes that.

 

I'm a very private person in general. I don't tell hardly anybody anything emotional about me, in fact I've never told anybody I've been in love other than my younger sister when I was trying to comfort her after her first love left her when the went to different universities. It just seems awkward I guess.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I simply tell the man I'm seeing that I'm guarded and it takes a while for me to open up. If a man can accept that, I will open up to him, if he tries to push me beyond my limits, then it just doesn't work out for us.

 

I think the hardest part of it is that most people probably couldn't comprehend it, and will get the wrong idea and still try to help you along. It doesn't work that way, and I can see how they'd want things to work out badly enough that they can't keep their emotional hands off you. My first love was actually extremely good at making me know that was she ready, but it still didn't work. I kept manufacturing excuses like she was pitying me or something :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
So I've come to the conclusion, through researching the concept of being "emotionally guarded" and reading the same story in several articles/archived threads (which is how I found here) that it is what my problem is. The question is, how would I communicate this with somebody without pushing them away? It is extremely obvious that it's not going to work itself out any other way, but I'm horrible at the indirect nature of communicating while dating so I don't have a clue where to begin. With my latest failure, it got to the point where, when I decided to tell her that all I need is for her to be open for me to initiate things when I'm comfortable with it, instead of trying to prod me into doing it, I think it is too little, too late :( I need to know for future reference because it is starting to wear down on me.

 

I think this is a great issue to bring up. A lot of people have this issue. I think you could just be straight forward and tell them a lot has happened in the past and it just takes time for you to open up. It's not anything against them.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Be more outgoing. Or wait for the entire planet's population to change to cater to you. Your choice.

 

Right, so being emotionally guarded = introversion = social anxiety = impotency etc. etc. etc. I can see you are one of the more insightful members here. :rolleyes:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think this is a great issue to bring up. A lot of people have this issue. I think you could just be straight forward and tell them a lot has happened in the past and it just takes time for you to open up. It's not anything against them.

 

This is what I'm looking for. The other issue, is when would it be appropriate? After emotional investment is obviously made on both accounts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think this is a great issue to bring up. A lot of people have this issue. I think you could just be straight forward and tell them a lot has happened in the past and it just takes time for you to open up. It's not anything against them.

 

OP - As someone that's been told this by the guy I was last interested in - he told me he's a hard person to get to know, that it all comes out very slowly... and that he has trouble - and distaste - for explaining himself, etc.

 

What???

 

I am sorry but this was very, very hard for me to understand and deal with. I think you should try and do a better job at explaining than my guy did with me because it left me feeling terrible when I understood I couldn't penetrate the walls he puts up. Also I wished he told me this when we first met. I felt betrayed hearing about it 3 months after we met.

Edited by edgygirl
Link to post
Share on other sites
This is what I'm looking for. The other issue, is when would it be appropriate? After emotional investment is obviously made on both accounts?

 

I think what you would need to look for is sorting out your issues rather than expect other people to deal with it. The only person who would be interested in dating someone emotionally difficult is a codependent and that's not really the way for a healthy relationship.

 

I read your post where you describe the girl who couldn't get a response out of you and ended up kissing someone else as a result just to get a reaction... The solution to that is working out how not to be the guy who is unable to respond. Rather than encourage girls to get tangled up in your dysfunction.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I wonder if I am in the same boat sometimes. Like if I am on a date with a man I am finding really attractive, and amazingly easy to talk to and maybe really interesting. Even when I am very interested in close physical contact from him, something about me makes me afraid of initiating the little flirty touches, like Im afraid they would be unwelcome. or like I need him to initiate before I'll feel more at ease. And this fear influencing my behavior probably leads him to think I'm not interested. And I am not the most experienced at good dating, so I fear Ive burned a few bridges that might have been nice ones to have.:(

Link to post
Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet
I think what you would need to look for is sorting out your issues rather than expect other people to deal with it. The only person who would be interested in dating someone emotionally difficult is a codependent and that's not really the way for a healthy relationship.

 

I read your post where you describe the girl who couldn't get a response out of you and ended up kissing someone else as a result just to get a reaction... The solution to that is working out how not to be the guy who is unable to respond. Rather than encourage girls to get tangled up in your dysfunction.

 

Ditto. It's rather selfish of you to expect someone who's interested to wait around for you to initiate things on your schedule. I understand needing to be comfortable before the actual act of physical intimacy, but when someone is trying to connect with you mentally & emotionally, get to know you, etc, and they get little to no response from you, encouragement to continue, or reciprocation of interest... well, you just can't expect them to stick around. You may be interested in them, but if you block them, you end up acting like you are not interested. And for the person on the other end, it doesn't matter what your true feelings are, if the real-life result is they are being treated as if you aren't that interested, i.e. are rejecting them.

 

I admit I'm biased due to recent personal experience: I have been on the receiving end of being pushed away at least half the time when I very tentatively reach out to this guy I know who has shown some clear signs of interest. (I'm speaking about conversation and emotional sharing here, not physical stuff.) He keeps his distance, and won't interact with me when he doesn't feel like it. I've stopped reaching out. I can't tell if he's interested and scared to get closer, or he's just playing games with me. Doesn't matter, though, because the result is the same, and it feels like crap for me. I'm just so tired of wanting to get closer to this guy and not being able to. He's shut me down enough now that I'm done. I'm moving on.

 

So that's a bit long, but maybe it will help you understand where I'm coming from when I say you need to address this issue before you try dating/relationships. Counseling/therapy might help -- after all, you have to be open with your counselor, and that's somewhere to start.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP - I don't agree with most here. You are the way you are, don't fight it too much.

 

The main guy in my life right now (we're not official yet), is the same way. But he's confident about it. He doesn't "cry around" (like you're doing on this forum) for help. He does himself and if he's not comfortable in a place he ll leave. He explains it as being in the moment, and if the moment is not good, he ll go do something else.

 

As long as she knows that she means a lot to you (which she probably does), I don't see much of a problem.

 

Said that, here's what I say you do. Call her up tomorrow and tell her in a confident way that you wanna see her. Don't let her say no. Tell her you'll pick her up. Go pick her up and just sit in your room. Put some soothing music and just be comfortable with her. (Sex does not have to happen)

 

I think when people have their guard up (and not *******s about it) are just afraid to get hurt and I personally find that cute.

 

Again I repeat, stop listening to who says "become more outgoing". If you're not outgoing then you're not. Just get to know and be confident about who you actually are. Everything else will be fine.

 

PS: I also think she should have been more in touch with you at this party, if you literally knew noone, so it might be partly her fault

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP - I don't agree with most here. You are the way you are, don't fight it too much.

 

The main guy in my life right now (we're not official yet), is the same way. But he's confident about it. He doesn't "cry around" (like you're doing on this forum) for help. He does himself and if he's not comfortable in a place he ll leave. He explains it as being in the moment, and if the moment is not good, he ll go do something else.

 

As long as she knows that she means a lot to you (which she probably does), I don't see much of a problem.

 

Said that, here's what I say you do. Call her up tomorrow and tell her in a confident way that you wanna see her. Don't let her say no. Tell her you'll pick her up. Go pick her up and just sit in your room. Put some soothing music and just be comfortable with her. (Sex does not have to happen)

 

I think when people have their guard up (and not *******s about it) are just afraid to get hurt and I personally find that cute.

 

Again I repeat, stop listening to who says "become more outgoing". If you're not outgoing then you're not. Just get to know and be confident about who you actually are. Everything else will be fine.

 

PS: I also think she should have been more in touch with you at this party, if you literally knew noone, so it might be partly her fault

 

Well the problem is likely one of trust, because I've been able to have sex - and initiate it - just not with somebody I care deeply about. I haven't even kissed or held hands with someone I care strongly for, I've only done these things in shallow relationships that went nowhere because there was no real chemistry there. And it's not as simple as just "waiting it out," I fear. Women will get self-conscious really quickly, because a typical guy is seen as being on the sex pig end of the physical spectrum, so it starts to beg "does he even find me pretty?" questions. It doesn't help that the women I'm attracted to seem to be in the 5'10"-6' range, so they probably think their very tall height is unattractive. Some of the women in this thread have mentioned that it just doesn't work out with them if they have to wait too long for physical intimacy.

 

Would you consider it "crying around" if you've had your heart broken four times, and the same culprit is to blame each time?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well the problem is likely one of trust, because I've been able to have sex - and initiate it - just not with somebody I care deeply about. I haven't even kissed or held hands with someone I care strongly for, I've only done these things in shallow relationships that went nowhere because there was no real chemistry there. And it's not as simple as just "waiting it out," I fear. Women will get self-conscious really quickly, because a typical guy is seen as being on the sex pig end of the physical spectrum, so it starts to beg "does he even find me pretty?" questions. It doesn't help that the women I'm attracted to seem to be in the 5'10"-6' range, so they probably think their very tall height is unattractive. Some of the women in this thread have mentioned that it just doesn't work out with them if they have to wait too long for physical intimacy.

 

Would you consider it "crying around" if you've had your heart broken four times, and the same culprit is to blame each time?

 

Yes. You see the problem with what I call "crying around" is that it just creates more problems.

 

You are living in a society where men are supposed to be "pigs" and a certain way. Well some of them are not. (I would dare say, most of the guys who are such "pigs" are so because they think they need to abide by society's rules)

 

Just explain to your girl exactly what you said in this post in a very calm and collected manner. And see if she understands.

 

Have you ever had intimate moments with people you care about? Like just lying together in bed or something like that, that does not have to be particularly sexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

I have fear associated with rejection and isolation....so i tend to isolate myself from forming attachments that are NOT MEANINGFUL OR LoNG LASTING..... when i do like someone i kamikaze and let that person know.....my fear makes me physically ill, depression does that as well so either way ....i do it ....i would rather move forward with knowledge than regret...i take the chance i pick my battles know what is important and who is important to me...thats what you have to decide is it your fear that is more important, or the person is more important that you are interested in knowing, or dating or having a relationship with....and if it is worthwhile to get to know that person give them a chance to get to know you.....you will do it....or else you let your fear win...

 

 

 

it is a battle you need to pick the side.....i go for the side where there are chances of growth and happiness....there is no happiness in never knowing what could be or stagnation of your life in any respect....a spastic colon is often due to anxiety ....fear driven....i know it well..i throw up though if i get really anxious and i retch when i cry....i hate showing what i perceive weakness to be.......for me.....it is weakness in my thoughts i have been conditioned to feel that way...i dont feel that way when i see others cry i naturally feel empathic ...so i fight that weakness and those thoughts, i have in regards to me and i tell, share, get to know, have relationships with people who matter to me....pick your side....fear....or happiness and a chance of it......good luck battle on....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I have fear associated with rejection and isolation....so i tend to isolate myself from forming attachments that are NOT MEANINGFUL OR LoNG LASTING..... when i do like someone i kamikaze and let that person know.....my fear makes me physically ill, depression does that as well so either way ....i do it ....i would rather move forward with knowledge than regret...i take the chance i pick my battles know what is important and who is important to me...thats what you have to decide is it your fear that is more important, or the person is more important that you are interested in knowing, or dating or having a relationship with....and if it is worthwhile to get to know that person give them a chance to get to know you.....you will do it....or else you let your fear win...

 

 

 

it is a battle you need to pick the side.....i go for the side where there are chances of growth and happiness....there is no happiness in never knowing what could be or stagnation of your life in any respect....a spastic colon is often due to anxiety ....fear driven....i know it well..i throw up though if i get really anxious and i retch when i cry....i hate showing what i perceive weakness to be.......for me.....it is weakness in my thoughts i have been conditioned to feel that way...i dont feel that way when i see others cry i naturally feel empathic ...so i fight that weakness and those thoughts, i have in regards to me and i tell, share, get to know, have relationships with people who matter to me....pick your side....fear....or happiness and a chance of it......good luck battle on....deb

 

This is more or less my exact philosophy, I have concluded that the only thing I have to fear, is fear itself, and that the only way to be sure I will be hurt is by not allowing myself the chance not to be. However, it is much, much easier said than done. I will even go over a conversation 1000 times in my head, and then when the time comes, either nothing comes out or it is something so incredibly far from what I intended to say, it's not even funny. But I see that this is the most logical approach to things, I just wish I have been following it.

 

I am the type of person who finds online flirting much, much easier because of the anonymity of it, and you don't have an "ignore" feature IRL to use if **** hits the fan.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I will even go over a conversation 1000 times in my head, and then when the time comes, either nothing comes out or it is something so incredibly far from what I intended to say, it's not even funny.

 

Don't do this. This is IMO what every person who fails at love does.

 

You start creating an illusion in your head. You create a lot of bad things this way:

- You reinforce the love for the person, without reinforcing their love, because technically "in your head", you've spent more time with him/her (since you're imagining interactions)

- You create expectations. (Going over something 1000 times in your head, will make you BELIEVE, that's what should happen). A given way to feel unhappy.

- You create anxiety, which mainly comes from the expectations.

 

Just be yourself and be in the moment. Try to stop thinking. It works.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Don't do this. This is IMO what every person who fails at love does.

 

You start creating an illusion in your head. You create a lot of bad things this way:

- You reinforce the love for the person, without reinforcing their love, because technically "in your head", you've spent more time with him/her (since you're imagining interactions)

- You create expectations. (Going over something 1000 times in your head, will make you BELIEVE, that's what should happen). A given way to feel unhappy.

- You create anxiety, which mainly comes from the expectations.

 

Just be yourself and be in the moment. Try to stop thinking. It works.

 

Thank you for the advice. This is probably the best advice yet. I have noticed a pattern of being "a day late and a dollar short" frequently too, because I tend to overanalyze everything. I need to just go with my intuition, things are rarely as complicated as I treat them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...