Beggars can't be choosers mentality

[somedude81]

In the Are kids a deal breaker for you? thread, several people expressed that kids are an absolute deal breaker. When I stated the same view, many members got on my case, nobody else was questioned for having the same belief.

 

Their reasoning, I have trouble with relationships so I must accept absolutely everything and have no requirements or deal breakers unless I want to be forever alone.

 

My answer to everybody who shares that thought, piss off.

 

Just because I'm not good with women doesn't mean I have to settle for everything. That goes for every one who struggles with relationships.

 

Ignore the bullies and go with your gut.

 

(Stronger words than piss off are intended but will not be stated on this forum)

 

Thankfully many people on this forum do have a level head, and they and others like them are the reason I keep posting here.

Edited January 4, 2013 by somedude81

[Vercetti]

Hey if kids are not your thing then kids are not your thing. I accidentally offended someone the other day with advice and observations had good intent with. Got modded took the lump and understood the TOS a bit better then when first read it. Think most people wish for you to do well, if its offending you...you have every right to set boundaries and call out what you consider attacks.

[Els]

I actually agree with your point of view in this case, even though I think that, once again, you could have framed your initial post it in a much, much better manner.

 

What I don't understand is why you had to make a separate thread just to say this.

[Emilia]

It's a sad thing to see, a man practically begging for overtime not because he wants to get himself that sweet new ride but because he doesn't want to go home.

 

Don't be that guy.

 

For once I agree. Never get married in your early 20s or have kids at least until you are in your late 20s. Applies both to men and women. The people you get stuck with when you are completely clueless on what works for you long term is depressing

[monicaelise]

In truth SD you have become one of the LS "punching bags". You catch hell for things that the majority of posters would easily get away with. Unfortunately, this is a dynamic that you seem to have created. There were a number of people in the other thread who posted comments that were far more incendiary, but because those people don't have your track record, most of those comments were simply overlooked. The worst is often assumed about your posts, attitudes, intentions because you've posted so many things that are either very, at least kind of, offensive ...especially to the women on this board.

 

As far as the "beggars can't be choosers" thing...well of course beggars can be choosers. They just might starve to death as a result. That's the thing to keep in mind here. You can be as picky as you like, you just may end up alone forever if you are. Things like kids, mental illness, criminal behaviour, etc. are all totally legit reasons to "just say no". Cosmetic imperfections, benign quirks, differences in background or taste, etc., however, may be things that you need to rethink your limits regarding. You, like everyone, have the right to avoid anything you don't want, but you're not getting any younger and it doesn't sound like you want to die alone.

 

You just have to weigh how much you want to continue flying solo against what you believe to be a "dealbreaker" in a potential partner.

 

(Btw, I'm not likening kids to mental illness or criminal behaviour...just saying these are big, permanent issues that will affect any relationship in significant ways)

[JuneJulySeptember]

In the Are kids a deal breaker for you? thread, several people expressed that kids are an absolute deal breaker. When I stated the same view, many members got on my case, nobody else was questioned for having the same belief.

 

Their reasoning, I have trouble with relationships so I must accept absolutely everything and have no requirements or deal breakers unless I want to be forever alone.

 

My answer to everybody who shares that thought, piss off.

 

Just because I'm not good with women doesn't mean I have to settle for everything. That goes for every one who struggles with relationships.

 

Ignore the bullies and go with your gut.

 

(Stronger words than piss off are intended but will not be stated on this forum)

 

Thankfully many people on this forum do have a level head, and they and others like them are the reason I keep posting here.

 

My friend,

 

I truly believe in the beggars can't be choosers credo. The only thing is, you don't have to think of it that way.

 

For instance, if you're in your 30s and you don't want to date women with children and you're happier being single, then fine don't. If you don't want to date somebody, because you can do better, then don't.

 

But if you're on here sad and lonely because you are alone, then you may want to reconsider your position.

 

To me, happy people in life do things. If they are sad and lonely, or if they got dumped, or if they are hung up on a person, they go and find people to be with. Whether that be friends, or somebody else to date. People here act like you will spontaneously combust if you ever dare to date somebody that you are not completely emotionally and physically infatuated with. Lol. If we all had that luxury.

 

Life is unfair. So, while a woman who rejected you may have their pick of men who are close to ideal, you may not. But that doesn't mean you have to be alone and unhappy.

 

Judging from some of your posts, being in a relationship of any sort right now will make you happier than you are right now. You and Necromancer and Necris and a few others. Some of the women here too. You don't have to think of it as beggars and choosers. Humans are social animals. We feel lonely when alone and especially when we have the idea that others around us are happy and with other people (which they usually are). Why would you be unhappy with a woman with a kid or two if she were attractive and fun? You don't have to marry her. You're just out there having fun with her. Almost all of the dealbreakers people have are a machination of what they feel 'society' owes them.

 

Don't listen to anybody else. They are surely not in your position. Do what you think will make you happy buddy, because right now you don't sound happy. And for the record, yes I have dated a single mother.

Edited January 4, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember

[Mrlonelyone]

This.

 

In truth SD you have become one of the LS "punching bags". You catch hell for things that the majority of posters would easily get away with. Unfortunately, this is a dynamic that you seem to have created. There were a number of people in the other thread who posted comments that were far more incendiary, but because those people don't have your track record, most of those comments were simply overlooked. The worst is often assumed about your posts, attitudes, intentions because you've posted so many things that are either very, at least kind of, offensive ...especially to the women on this board.

 

As far as the "beggars can't be choosers" thing...well of course beggars can be choosers. They just might starve to death as a result. That's the thing to keep in mind here. You can be as picky as you like, you just may end up alone forever if you are. Things like kids, mental illness, criminal behaviour, etc. are all totally legit reasons to "just say no". Cosmetic imperfections, benign quirks, differences in background or taste, etc., however, may be things that you need to rethink your limits regarding. You, like everyone, have the right to avoid anything you don't want, but you're not getting any younger and it doesn't sound like you want to die alone.

 

You just have to weigh how much you want to continue flying solo against what you believe to be a "dealbreaker" in a potential partner.

 

(Btw, I'm not likening kids to mental illness or criminal behaviour...just saying these are big, permanent issues that will affect any relationship in significant ways)

 

 

Somedude if you were born in 1981 it is very possible for a perfectly healthy woman who's not a user or anything to have children and be single right now. Relationships are hard work, people in their 20's aren't always ready for that kind of hard work these days. So lets put it this way.

 

You have been mentally scarred by how women have treated you for years.

 

A woman who has a child has the issues that come with being a single mother.

 

If you help her carry her baggage, she can help you carry yours.

[JuneJulySeptember]

This.

 

 

 

 

Somedude if you were born in 1981 it is very possible for a perfectly healthy woman who's not a user or anything to have children and be single right now. Relationships are hard work, people in their 20's aren't always ready for that kind of hard work these days. So lets put it this way.

 

You have been mentally scarred by how women have treated you for years.

 

A woman who has a child has the issues that come with being a single mother.

 

If you help her carry her baggage, she can help you carry yours.

 

On top of this, I think you have a better shot with a woman who is a single mother.

 

People in their 20s often think they are bulletproof and look down on those in life that have 'f@#ked up'. Well. Until they get into their 30s and weather a divorce, get cheated on, or get laid off, and they are one of those people.

 

So, a single mother has more humility. Usually. And may be more willing to take a chance on a guy like you.

[Mrlonelyone]

On top of this, I think you have a better shot with a woman who is a single mother.

 

People in their 20s often think they are bulletproof and look down on those in life that have 'f@#ked up'. Well. Until they get into their 30s and weather a divorce, get cheated on, or get laid off, and they are one of those people.

 

So, a single mother has more humility. Usually. And may be more willing to take a chance on a guy like you.

 

On top of this as Monicacellies (sp?) said SD has been bullied a bit here. I would say the same thing I said to SD to anyone over the age of 31.

[Els]

This.

 

 

 

 

Somedude if you were born in 1981 it is very possible for a perfectly healthy woman who's not a user or anything to have children and be single right now. Relationships are hard work, people in their 20's aren't always ready for that kind of hard work these days. So lets put it this way.

 

You have been mentally scarred by how women have treated you for years.

 

A woman who has a child has the issues that come with being a single mother.

 

If you help her carry her baggage, she can help you carry yours.

 

I think you give good advice a lot of the time, but I strongly, strongly disagree with this.

 

'Settling' for someone with kids is completely different from 'settling' for someone who doesn't look like how your ideal gf would, for instance. In the latter, if they give it a try and it ultimately doesn't work out, only two peoples' lives will be affected. When you enter into a LTR or marriage with someone who has kids, you essentially take on the role of their other parent. It is totally and completely unfair to the kids for them to have a parent who is ambivalent about them, or worse still, hates them and considers them 'baggage' and is only putting up with them because they want their mother's pussy.

[monicaelise]

On top of this as Monicacellies (sp?) said SD has been bullied a bit here. I would say the same thing I said to SD to anyone over the age of 31.

 

It's Monica Elise in reality (monicaelise here)... just my name. I'm too lazy to be creative with my online identities lol!

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think you give good advice a lot of the time, but I strongly, strongly disagree with this.

 

'Settling' for someone with kids is completely different from 'settling' for someone who doesn't look like how your ideal gf would, for instance. In the latter, if they give it a try and it ultimately doesn't work out, only two peoples' lives will be affected. When you enter into a LTR or marriage with someone who has kids, you essentially take on the role of their other parent. It is totally and completely unfair to the kids for them to have a parent who is ambivalent about them, or worse still, hates them and considers them 'baggage' and is only putting up with them because they want their mother's pussy.

 

How old are you? Have you ever dated a single mother? Have you read OP's comments on the other thread? Your comments are too dramatic.

 

It doesn't work like that. Single mothers are people. They want to go out and have fun too. They get to know you and decide if you are worth their while just the same as you them. They don't plan to enter into marriage with every man they date just because they have children.

 

I have dated a single mother. At no point did we seriously consider marriage with each other, and if you asked us both we both came out of the relationship better off than before.

[rocketman122]

didnt read the link you posted although its very relevant for me. I myself dont want children but more than that, I only will date a woman who has her own. no single woman. especially those who were never married. and I the youngest must be at least 10YO. My GF has 2 twin daughters (13yo) and one in the army now (19YO). theyre absolutely wonderful. I love to listen to news about them and really take interest in them. I love them like their mine. I wouldnt have it any other way. if you dont want someone with children its your preference.

 

When I was on OLD, I was hassled all the time by the (very desperate) women to have children with them. I was called names and bad mouthed. I guess its like the gay men who look really good in california (and other parts of the world) and the women look and say "such a shame-what a waste" it doesnt mean I dont love children, but I simply choose not to have any of my own. if it came down to it, I would rather adopt. too many crap people in the world already.

[Els]

How old are you? Have you ever dated a single mother? Have you read OP's comments on the other thread? Your comments are too dramatic.

 

It doesn't work like that. Single mothers are people. They want to go out and have fun too. They get to know you and decide if you are worth their while just the same as you them. They don't plan to enter into marriage with every man they date just because they have children.

 

I have dated a single mother. At no point did we seriously consider marriage with each other, and if you asked us both we both came out of the relationship better off than before.

 

Your post is completely unrelated to the topic and my post. I am saying that if someone like the OP dislikes children, you shouldn't be bashing him over the head with the 'you're 31 so you should take whatever you can get' mentality to try and convince him to date someone with children. What happens when he's 35 and has been in a casual relationship with that woman for a few years, and the time eventually comes for him to be introduced to the children? Is he going to want to start all over again and go back to ground zero, or will he (more likely) just cave and continue on with her while still not wanting to be a father to those children and just doing so grudgingly because they come with her?

 

I'm not saying people shouldn't date single parents, I'm saying people who don't want to date them shouldn't date them.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I do not agree that "beggars can't be choosers" when it comes to relationships. I think that all preferences are relevant to whoever has them, and even if I have an opinion on the particular preference it's really none of my business.

 

People who don't want to deal with kids really should not get involved with a person who has them just because they are a "beggar."

 

Where I get all grumpy, though, is when

 

1) somebody embraces their own preferences and dismisses those of other people, and

 

2) when someone is probably hindered by their own specific preferences but does not accept that it is greatly due to his / her OWN limiting parameters rather than bad luck, bad genes, bad world, bad opposite sex, whatever, that they are on their own.

 

3) Particular to the "single mothers" issue, when these women are disparaged. If you don't want to date them, fine. There is not necessarily anything "wrong" with them and they might be better people than the ones doing the trashing.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Your post is completely unrelated to the topic and my post. I am saying that if someone like the OP dislikes children, you shouldn't be bashing him over the head with the 'you're 31 so you should take whatever you can get' mentality to try and convince him to date someone with children. What happens when he's 35 and has been in a casual relationship with that woman for a few years, and the time eventually comes for him to be introduced to the children? Is he going to want to start all over again and go back to ground zero, or will he (more likely) just cave and continue on with her while still not wanting to be a father to those children and just doing so grudgingly because they come with her?

 

I'm not saying people shouldn't date single parents, I'm saying people who don't want to date them shouldn't date them.

 

OK. I'll try and phrase this as best I can. Trust me. I'm not being a d@uche.

 

I think he should go out and do what makes him happy. And I think that dating a single mother right now would make him happier than not.

 

If you read his comments on the other thread, he has no idea about what dating a single mother is all about.

 

His reasons for not wanting to date a single mom are all unrealistic. None of them are based in reality or from experience. He's 31 and that's a large pool of women with children now.

 

They're not made of glass. Their kids are not going to consider you 'daddy'. You're just some guy their mom is seeing. And if it comes to the point where you like them a lot as a person, you may just rethink your position on taking on their children.

 

I can tell you that happened to me at times.

 

People change your life experiences and expectations as you meet them. To me, that's one of the great things about life.

[Lonely Ronin]

This.

Somedude if you were born in 1981 it is very possible for a perfectly healthy woman who's not a user or anything to have children and be single right now.

 

I know two, one her husband cheated on her, and the others husband died in Iraq

[Mme. Chaucer]

He's 31 and that's a large pool of women with children now.

 

SD is only interested in dating women in their very early 20's. Being a single mom at that age is, in general, quite different than being a single mother in his own age group.

[GoodOnPaper]

I do not agree that "beggars can't be choosers" when it comes to relationships.

 

Where I get all grumpy, though, is when

 

2) when someone is probably hindered by their own specific preferences but does not accept that it is greatly due to his / her OWN limiting parameters rather than bad luck, bad genes, bad world, bad opposite sex, whatever, that they are on their own.

 

As someone who really struggled to meet and get first dates with women, this seems contradictory. If you give in to your limitations, you're back in beggars-can't-be-choosers mode. On the other hand, if you set out to overcome those limitations just to prove you are "worthy" of love, when can you ever quit trying to prove that you are attractive enough, otherwise-good enough, etc.? It seems you are stuck between the anxiety of settling and the anxiety of never quite knowing if you are good enough.

[somedude81]

This thread is not about dating single mothers.

 

It's about the bullying and the mentality behind it.

[veggirl]

SD is only interested in dating women in their very early 20's. Being a single mom at that age is, in general, quite different than being a single mother in his own age group.

 

He's said a million times he would date women around his own age. He just thinks he would do better with a younger girl.

 

SD in regards to your post, I think unsuccessful people should perhaps re-assess their standards and maybe go outside their box and see what happens BUT I do notttt think kids are something anyone should concede on. Kids are too big of a deal.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Well I'm just gonna say that at the point I'm at right now I have had too many rejections and have too many issues to be choosy about who dates me just let him be decently nice and kind of cute

[edgygirl]

In truth SD you have become one of the LS "punching bags". You catch hell for things that the majority of posters would easily get away with. Unfortunately, this is a dynamic that you seem to have created. There were a number of people in the other thread who posted comments that were far more incendiary, but because those people don't have your track record, most of those comments were simply overlooked. The worst is often assumed about your posts, attitudes, intentions because you've posted so many things that are either very, at least kind of, offensive ...especially to the women on this board.

 

As far as the "beggars can't be choosers" thing...well of course beggars can be choosers. They just might starve to death as a result. That's the thing to keep in mind here. You can be as picky as you like, you just may end up alone forever if you are. Things like kids, mental illness, criminal behaviour, etc. are all totally legit reasons to "just say no". Cosmetic imperfections, benign quirks, differences in background or taste, etc., however, may be things that you need to rethink your limits regarding. You, like everyone, have the right to avoid anything you don't want, but you're not getting any younger and it doesn't sound like you want to die alone.

 

You just have to weigh how much you want to continue flying solo against what you believe to be a "dealbreaker" in a potential partner.

(Btw, I'm not likening kids to mental illness or criminal behaviour...just saying these are big, permanent issues that will affect any relationship in significant ways)

 

SD, this is what I meant when I said to you in another thread that beggars can't be choosers.

Edited January 4, 2013 by edgygirl

[Nightsky]

In the Are kids a deal breaker for you? thread, several people expressed that kids are an absolute deal breaker. When I stated the same view, many members got on my case, nobody else was questioned for having the same belief.

 

They'll get on your case unless you describe middle aged women as your ideal.

 

Their reasoning' date=' I have trouble with relationships so I must accept absolutely everything and have no requirements or deal breakers unless I want to be forever alone.[/quote']

 

Well you'll more likely end up forever alone if you follow their advice but you know that right?

 

My answer to everybody who shares that thought, piss off.

 

Just because I'm not good with women doesn't mean I have to settle for everything. That goes for every one who struggles with relationships.

 

Ignore the bullies and go with your gut.

 

(Stronger words than piss off are intended but will not be stated on this forum)

 

Thankfully many people on this forum do have a level head, and they and others like them are the reason I keep posting here.

 

What do you care what people on this forum think. Most of them are going to attack you.

[iris219]

I do not agree that "beggars can't be choosers" when it comes to relationships. I think that all preferences are relevant to whoever has them, and even if I have an opinion on the particular preference it's really none of my business.

 

People who don't want to deal with kids really should not get involved with a person who has them just because they are a "beggar."

 

Where I get all grumpy, though, is when

 

1) somebody embraces their own preferences and dismisses those of other people, and

 

2) when someone is probably hindered by their own specific preferences but does not accept that it is greatly due to his / her OWN limiting parameters rather than bad luck, bad genes, bad world, bad opposite sex, whatever, that they are on their own.

 

3) Particular to the "single mothers" issue, when these women are disparaged. If you don't want to date them, fine. There is not necessarily anything "wrong" with them and they might be better people than the ones doing the trashing.

 

Mme. Chaucer explained it much better than I could have.

 

I could care less if you want to date women with children or not. You are allowed to have any dating requirement you choose, but you've called the requirements of others "stupid," as in, for example, it's stupid for a short woman to only date men over 6'. You see your preferences as justified, but the preferences of women somehow make no sense. Why is that?

 

Also, if you're willing to accept that your preferences will make dating more difficult for you, more power to you. I admire people who have a strong set of beliefs that they aren't willing to compromise.