wanttoknow Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 It has been years since I posted anything on here, but then again it has been years since I was in a committed relationship. About three years or so to be exact. I wanted to pass along some advice about something and to get more feedback about an age old question - opposite sex friends... Now when you are in a relationship that is strong, and for anybody who looks back at any old posts of mine, it is clearly something that you can deal with. My girlfriend has many male friends and unfortunately for her, that was an issue towards the end of my marriage that caused problems. Now for all of you who have any issues with this - I have learned that 95% of my worries were based out of what I was insecure about in my own life and about my own self. If you want a relationship to work you gotta work at it with your partner and leave everybody else out of the mix. The other day she went shopping with one of the male friends and did not tell me about it. She was talking about her day and then said, oh I had gone shopping with my friend today...and the blood drained from my head. I do not like that reaction but it just happened that way...she immediately understood my reaction and we had a good discussion about it. I cannot and will not be able to ever tell somebody who they should and should not see...that is important for others here to understand. That is not ever going to work. We did have a discussion about what is really needed...and that is where others can add to my post here...I came out of the failed marriage thinking that there are just some things that men should not get from another man's partner (sex being the obvious one), but is that a good thing to believe?? It is something we really could not answer and we were fine at just revisiting it again sometime. I realize any severe problem I would have with it is more on me than anything, but I have worked very hard on knowing and owning that...so it isn't something I would ever tell her to change...what else do others think about that line...is there one (again, besides the physicality?) Let's discuss if you want! Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) You obviously havent ever fixed your jealousy issues. if you want her telling you who she went to place xxx with then that is controlling. You need to learn to trust again and you havent. Have you ever met this guy she went with? She likely asked a male friend to go with her in case she wanted a males opinion, just like he wanted a females opinion on what each should get for their SOs or other opposite sex people in their lives. Edited December 17, 2012 by Ami1uwant Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Thanks for the comment, and I can appreciate the fact that you said that. I obviously haven't gotten over everything or I wouldn't have reacted the way that I did. I also do not need the constant validation - and I trust her. It is a common question so I thought a discussion here would not only help me but put other perspectives out there since I know I am not the only one that questions this... When is it that certain things just are to be shared by two, and not three or more? That was my original question - one that has not been answered yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Also - i would think that in a committed relationship - that transparency would be something that people would want. That, to me is not being controlling. Link to post Share on other sites
TaurusTerp Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Thanks for the comment, and I can appreciate the fact that you said that. I obviously haven't gotten over everything or I wouldn't have reacted the way that I did. I also do not need the constant validation - and I trust her. It is a common question so I thought a discussion here would not only help me but put other perspectives out there since I know I am not the only one that questions this... When is it that certain things just are to be shared by two, and not three or more? That was my original question - one that has not been answered yet. Well....shopping certainly isn't one of those things that is normally kept between 2 people. You want to shop with her and only her? I can't think of a more unappealing activity (and I actually do like clothes quite a bit), and I'll buy whatever guy she goes shopping with a beer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 So, this discussion is not going where I thought it would. I honestly just wanted to throw out to everyone where they thought the line would be - forget that I used shopping as an example. I understand that it is a rather harmless activity and I get that. The biggest thing about our talk is that we talked about it. This is the open communication that I have always looked for in somebody. I know she is 100% in as far as us is concerned and yes I WILL trust her. As we move on in the discussion and try to inform one another - again my question is...where is the line - because I still believe that it is moving and in the wrong direction these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I still say that the boundaries are not put up enough in committed relationships. Long-term friends...when does it become intrusive or should people not be looking for that? I believe, once again, that there are some things that even long time friends aren't as privy to as they once were... Insecurities or not there is a line and people make it more grey as time goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
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