Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 There are a lot of threads complaining about their dating prospects, about how like attracts like, about not settling for someone your not sexually attracted to, among other things... This all got me thinking. For very unattractive people, who truly are not attractive from just their appearance, surely SOME people DO have to "settle" for people they are not sexually attracted to from the outset..... First of all, WHY does it have to be seen as "settling", in a bad way? Once your really in love with the person, it will not MATTER that they are not sexually appealing at first glance. I am sure these "unattractive" looking people still look at the porn of attractive people, and not obese people with unpleasant to look at faces; but surely some of them are pragmatic and figure the way the world works, and choose to seek out a loving partner, rather than spend their life alone because they cannot find a mate their sexually into at first glance? That dispells the myth of settling in this regard! For unattractive people who find love, I DO NOT consider them to be ANY worse off. They are NOT missing out on love, in any way...... ....So, if you can find a person that loves and adores you and IS sexually attracted to you after time spent together, why on earth is it a bad thing, the fact some people are attractive and others aren't? Any thoughts? I really believe in the power of positive thinking! I would really admire people who were "ugly" to look at, but simply saw it how it was, without feeling DOWN on themselves, or like they were "worse off" somehow! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I always thought that ugly people would find a lot of people who are as ugly as them as attractive. I actually find some overweight women, and women who I can see are a 4 or 5 out of 10 to be really attractive for some reason, and I'm supposed to be good looking. In fact I'm physically attracted to a lot of these women more than a lot of classically beautiful women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LittlePrince Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Love isn't something you decide on later or pops up awhile after being around someone. It starts with that initial sexual attraction, i.e. love at first sight, and goes from there. For men that initial sexual attraction is largely based on a physical attraction. For women the physical plays a smaller part while social status plays a larger one. When it comes down to it if the penis can't get up there is nothing more possible than an acquaintanceship. Sexual arousal jump starts love. Without it you are going no where no matter who we are talking about. Anyway love is just a biological mechanism to get two people to breed and raise a progeny together who are fit enough to survive. It isn't going to work if you try to force it. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 For very unattractive people, who truly are not attractive from just their appearance, surely SOME people DO have to "settle" for people they are not sexually attracted to from the outset..... No. There will be people who find that person attractive. There might be less people than for those who are conventionally good looking, but there will still be plenty of people who find this unattractive person attractive. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
charlietheginger Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Thanks for telling ugly people To stop dreaming of someone attractive And just relize they are ugly and sex with Other ugly people is their oñly optioñ Unless that ugly person has money Ofcoarse ... No one on this board is rich and successful If they were they would have more eventful Things in life to attend to then posting In online forums.... Link to post Share on other sites
IT Geek Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Thanks for telling ugly people To stop dreaming of someone attractive And just relize they are ugly and sex with Other ugly people is their oñly optioñ Unless that ugly person has money Ofcoarse ... No one on this board is rich and successful If they were they would have more eventful Things in life to attend to then posting In online forums.... Not true. I'm ugly/fat and have money, but I don't flaunt it in front of people because I would rather someone fall for me for who/what I am and not what I can give them. If that never happens because of my physical appearance and inability to be sexually attractive to a woman, so be it. At this point I'm going to have a hell of a retirement with no one to leave anything to when I die! I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
charlietheginger Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Not true. I'm ugly/fat and have money, but I don't flaunt it in front of people because I would rather someone fall for me for who/what I am and not what I can give them. If that never happens because of my physical appearance and inability to be sexually attractive to a woman, so be it. At this point I'm going to have a hell of a retirement with no one to leave anything to when I die! I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.... Why not use the money on yourself . Diet exercise surgery... Make yourself attractive Prove to a women you can take care of youself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
volentia Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 i agree with OP. the sexual or instinctive 'spark' element is the last part i consider when looking for a partner. but chemistry is a must. chemistry is there when you feel comfortable in your own skins together. there are two other more important elements that must be considered when embarking on a relationship. and those are about connecting at an intellectual and conditioned level. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 To the OP, this is a good question. There are multiple answers to this. One is that many of the people writing complaints are young men. Like all young people, but more so for young men, their relationships are based on sex and sexuality. If they can't get a hard on then they simply cannot have sex. Further they haven't learned their true looks based mate value or they think some magic words or actions will negate it. The other answer is that settling would feel like insulting themselves and their partners. Like saying you know what I'm not that into you physically and I'm not all that great to look at either. The last reason I can think of, they haven't learned the value of emotional intimacy vs physical pleasure. Perhaps due to their situation, they haven't had much luck getting sex when they really applied themselves to getting it. While at the same time they have been treated as the asexual friend. Conciously settling for a less than attractive mate, would feel like justifying the way they have been treated. People who think/know they look good are often jerks about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I believe that many people evolve all their lives, and who they are contributes a great deal to the way they evolve. A person who is not "beautiful" may be more tuned in to see different kinds of beauty in others than someone who has lived their whole life in an upper echelon of physical appearance. An "ugly" person might be predisposed to look within. I know this is an idealistic idea, but I see many average and below average looking couples around me constantly. Some of them are in love and happy. Probably at least as many of them as the "beautiful" looking couples. My husband and I are attractive people, but we are both "over the hill" and it shows. Both of us were married before, when young and in our physical primes, to very stunning spouses. Yet, we did not feel like we were "settling" when we met in our present decrepitude. I have to believe that many of the "ugly," plain or average looking people who I see paired off weren't thinking, "this is the best I can get" when they met. THAT is a very poor state of mind, IMO. If a person is coming from that place, they are unlikely to find themselves in a satisfying relationship whether their partner is a knockout or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Why bother with a romantic relationship at all, if one ugly person is just going to settle for another ugly person with no physical attraction between them? The scenario you describes sounds like something that could be achieved between platonic friends.... friends who love each other and have a deep emotional connection, but don't want to have sex with each other. What's the difference between a deep platonic relationship and the romantic relationship you espouse? Why bother with a romantic relationship at all and not just set up house with a close gay friend? Honestly, I just find the idea insulting that a guy would "settle" for me because he can't get what he actually wants. How could that NOT result in a lot of resentment and ego-bruising? If your partner.... the person you're supposedly bound to for life.... doesn't even think you're that amazing, what does that say about you? It'd just be a daily, constant reminder of how "less than" you are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 It Greek - um, well personally I have tried hard to make myself more attractive. My boyfriend is attracted to the real me; the essence of who I am as a person.. only, he would not have been sexually into me had I not fixed my horribly crooked teeth, or been into working out at the gym, or still had my terrible facial acne! However, if I now was in an accident and lost some of my looks, he is adamant and I am adamant that he woulds stick by me; so although my looks drew him to me initially, to consider me a dating prospect.. He then got to know and love me, and would not have it any other way now, even if I lost some of my looks, as I will inevitably lose through the aging process also.... More so, my PARENTS helped me; they got me TWO sets of braces, as my teeth were deformed when I was a child and did not fit all in my mouth. I am SO.. SO greatfull to my parents. Another thing I paid for - Hair real hair extensions! I had anorexia and lost about 70% of my hair, and when I re gained the weight I looked much more unattractive with baby thin, fine hair, so I got extensions and now look like my OLD SELF, hair wise haha! SO I had had many UN natural physical alterations - my crooked teeth fixed, and my severely thinning hair was re enstated (rather than me wait 3 years for it ALl to grow back fully) I also get my eyebrows professionally waxed, as my natural thick monobrow would not be able to be plucked in a symmetrical fashion by a NON professional..... LAstly - I know how to dress and look after my skin, to make me look my best, with minimal effort and fuss. The rest I have done through diet and exercise, and clean eating. I would abolutely NOT have the dating options I currently have, had I remained less attractive. I would, however, have found love; it would just not have been as readily available to me, as I am NOT naturally this attractive based on genetics alone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 Why bother with a romantic relationship at all, if one ugly person is just going to settle for another ugly person with no physical attraction between them? The scenario you describes sounds like something that could be achieved between platonic friends.... friends who love each other and have a deep emotional connection, but don't want to have sex with each other. What's the difference between a deep platonic relationship and the romantic relationship you espouse? Why bother with a romantic relationship at all and not just set up house with a close gay friend? Honestly, I just find the idea insulting that a guy would "settle" for me because he can't get what he actually wants. How could that NOT result in a lot of resentment and ego-bruising? If your partner.... the person you're supposedly bound to for life.... doesn't even think you're that amazing, what does that say about you? It'd just be a daily, constant reminder of how "less than" you are. Good point, but I believe that an ugly person who is not all that attractive physically at first glance, CAN be genuinely seen as beautiful by a loving partner! They may look at "hot" people's porn, but they can still adore and think their wife is totally amazing? You fail to believe that a person can find their partner "amazing" if they are not attractive? Lastly: a lot of people who cannot get people who they are physically attracted to at first glance, still want to share their lives closely with someone, in the form of a loving monogomus relationship. Not having the novelty of physical attraction, I believe, can be overlooked: it is what it is! Lack of the looks, means you can still find love, and even FIND that person attractive but just not upon first glance! Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Good point, but I believe that an ugly person who is not all that attractive physically at first glance, CAN be genuinely seen as beautiful by a loving partner! They may look at "hot" people's porn, but they can still adore and think their wife is totally amazing? You fail to believe that a person can find their partner "amazing" if they are not attractive? Lastly: a lot of people who cannot get people who they are physically attracted to at first glance, still want to share their lives closely with someone, in the form of a loving monogomus relationship. Not having the novelty of physical attraction, I believe, can be overlooked: it is what it is! Lack of the looks, means you can still find love, and even FIND that person attractive but just not upon first glance! Maybe that works in arranged marriages, but why would a relationship even begin between two people who aren't physically attracted to each other? He would need to get to know his wife first to discover she has all of these other amazing qualities.... but why would he bother getting to know her, if he isn't attracted to her at the beginning? In the modern world, with online dating and so many dating options, why would a guy bother getting to know a woman he wasn't into physically? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 For very unattractive people, who truly are not attractive from just their appearance, surely SOME people DO have to "settle" for people they are not sexually attracted to from the outset..... First of all, WHY does it have to be seen as "settling", in a bad way? Once your really in love with the person, it will not MATTER that they are not sexually appealing at first glance. So then how is love supposed to happen with a person you're not attracted to? Should I just find a woman who is the nicest to me and get her to be my GF? How is sex going to work? I guess I could watch porn for a little bit to get hard, and then close my eyes and go to her. I'll probably have to call her somebody else's name. There is no doubt that I'd still be very attracted to thin women and the danger of cheating would be very high. ....So, if you can find a person that loves and adores you and IS sexually attracted to you after time spent together, why on earth is it a bad thing, the fact some people are attractive and others aren't? Why is it good enough to have some who is attracted to you if you aren't attracted to them? With that mentality, none of the girls that I liked should have rejected me. If we're good friends and make each other laugh, if I'm very attracted to them, then they should sleep with me! That's nonsense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 So yeah, to summarize: while I greatly PREFER the fact money and time has made me more attractive and given me greater options in the dating pool, I know that I would have still found love if I had remained unattractive to the majority of people. I just PREFER the fact money brougt me better looks. So I am being very honest here! I have it easier when it comes to dating than a "fat ugly" person, in that I have more immediate options, without having to get to know the guy before he expressed initial interest in me. Truly though, my wish is actually for the word" fat and ugly to STOP having negative connotations! I would like nothing more than for it to be like this: sure, some people are fat and ugly, but that is just he way it is, they are no less fortrunate or disadvantaged, and can find love and be just as fullfilled as a pretty thin person. " sure, they do not hve the thrill of parading around and getting sexual attention, or wearing right dresses and playing with men in this manner, but WHO CARES? They can be just as fullfilled without the novelty that attraction brings" . I know physical attraction is a HUGE BONUS, but lets not forget that deep and loving relatinships can be achieved without physical attraction. And for some, it might be the only outcome for them, romantically..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Love isn't something you decide on later or pops up awhile after being around someone. It starts with that initial sexual attraction, i.e. love at first sight, and goes from there. That is not universally true. Plenty of people grow to love each other. Not usually because they "tried" via dating, but in environments such as working together, school, etc. people who didn't notice one another at first find themselves falling … It happens to men AND women. A lot. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IT Geek Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 " sure, they do not hve the thrill of parading around and getting sexual attention, or wearing right dresses and playing with men in this manner, but WHO CARES? They can be just as fullfilled without the novelty that attraction brings" . I know physical attraction is a HUGE BONUS, but lets not forget that deep and loving relatinships can be achieved without physical attraction. And for some, it might be the only outcome for them, romantically..... I beg to differ. You are referring to the infamous "Friend Zone" here. IMHO, you can not have a romantic relationship without having physical attraction. How is what you are describing any different from a man and woman being friends? I have a female friend that I have a deep and loving relationship with, but is it nowhere near being romantic. Being romantically involved equates to a physical relationship. Attraction is not a novelty. It is an essential part of any romantic relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Truly though, my wish is actually for the word" fat and ugly to STOP having negative connotations! If this is truly your wish, then you can begin by ceasing to use these judgmental words when looking at, thinking or talking about your fellow human beings. FAT and UGLY are words already heavily laden with negative value judgements. There is no way someone's going to look at another person and deem them FAT and / or UGLY without heaping negativity upon them. Especially when that person is what is deemed "attractive." Like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 OP, sounds like you're talking about "assortive mating". I think people are confused when they say they would just be settling. You're not actually settling. Most people, where ever they are on some imaginary attractive scale, will eventually figure out where they are on that scale and will assort themselves naturally. Attributes that are not generally considered attractive, will become endearing. Maybe even as far as to find attributes that are widely considered attractive to be repulsive. These people are not settling. They just assorted themselves and will be happy with whom they are with. However, there are oddball people that are not able to do this and most likely will spend a life time alone and or bitter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AD1980 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Im horrible with women and id still rather be alone the rest of my life then be with somebody i cant get aroused for and crnige at thought of making out or being naked and intimate with just so im not alone.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 That is not universally true. Plenty of people grow to love each other. Not usually because they "tried" via dating, but in environments such as working together, school, etc. people who didn't notice one another at first find themselves falling … It happens to men AND women. A lot. Exactly! For goodness sake just look at the infidelity or other woman/man section...all those affairs that start due to being in close proximity with someone and a lot of them are like "I never noticed him before, he is not even that attractive really but I am sooo attracted to him". It doesn't have to be love and sparks at first sight. I mean you people have REALLY never gotten to know someone organically and then fallen for them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Exactly! For goodness sake just look at the infidelity or other woman/man section...all those affairs that start due to being in close proximity with someone and a lot of them are like "I never noticed him before, he is not even that attractive really but I am sooo attracted to him". It doesn't have to be love and sparks at first sight. I mean you people have REALLY never gotten to know someone organically and then fallen for them? Attraction works differently for different people. (I learned that while studying Astrology .......) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IT Geek Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Believe it or not, I have had several beautiful women attracted to me for some unknown reason. And one of them was cause they like shy guys. I don't have a lot of money but if I was into promiscuity I would have had sex with easily 10 hotties. And I mean they were hot. Must be nice! I'd settle for one "average"! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Believe it or not, I have had several beautiful women attracted to me for some unknown reason. And one of them was cause they like shy guys. I don't have a lot of money but if I was into promiscuity I would have had sex with easily 10 hotties. And I mean they were hot. Here's the thing, if your so moral and ethical that you never make a move why would anything change? Newtons laws dictate that objects at rest stay at rest. Link to post Share on other sites
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