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Is he being stingy or am I overreacting?


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Old 19th November 2012, 1:13 PM   #1
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Is he being stingy or am I overreacting?

Started dating this new guy and everything seemed great, until I started noticing how stingy he is. When we first met, he had no money and no job (I helped him get the job he has, so we work together now). I noticed how when we first started dating, he was very careful with money...understandably so since he had gone without it for a while. He would drink off my drinks instead of buying his own when we went out.

There have been a few times where we went out to eat and he paid, but asked me to get the tip. I have NO problem with that. There have been times when I paid as well. If it were up to me it would be 50/50.

But then the other night we were leaving the movies and a cat was in the engine of his car. We took it to the vet to have it humanely euthanized and he let me pay for all of it. It was only $40, but I feel like we could have split it.

Then we went to New Orleans this past weekend. Gas and parking were nearly $100. I paid $80 and he paid $15. He didn't offer to pay more and was griping about money the ENTIRE time. And this is after winning $75 at the casino during the trip, which basically paid for his entire trip.

I'm the type of person that when I go out with friends, I always make sure the other person is covered financially before I worry about myself. I will always pay a little extra or go above and beyond to make sure things are fair. I know it might lead to me getting taken advantage of but it also allows me to see what kind of person someone is really quickly. He's making decent money now and is actually in a better financial situation than me.

Right now I feel taken advantage of. Am I right for feeling this way? There have been a few other situations too but these are the main ones. I know the amounts probably seem small in trivial to many of you but I am a broke college student and I just bought my own house, so money is a bit tight right now.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:18 PM   #2
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When you say he let you pay for all of the cat vet bills, did he straight up say "you can pay" or did he just fail to offer?

He does sound a bit stingy, but then again, he'll only do what you allow. Maybe next time - speak up and let HIM know he needs to buy his own soda or will pay for half of dinner/gas/road trip.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:22 PM   #3
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Yes he does come off as stingy.

Next time be sure to speak up and let him know that you need his help with expenses.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:23 PM   #4
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He just failed to offer. I would never demand that he pay. I would just expect him to want to pay for half, just as I would.

And with the road trip, we agreed to split gas and he knows how much it takes to fill up my tank. I didn't mention to him anything about parking before we left on the trip, but I just assumed he knew that when you go to a city, you have to pay for parking. Even if he didn't know, I still feel like he should have offered to split it. I would have.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:26 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Mycteria View Post
He just failed to offer. I would never demand that he pay. I would just expect him to want to pay for half, just as I would.

And with the road trip, we agreed to split gas and he knows how much it takes to fill up my tank. I didn't mention to him anything about parking before we left on the trip, but I just assumed he knew that when you go to a city, you have to pay for parking. Even if he didn't know, I still feel like he should have offered to split it. I would have.
Has he offered to pay for anything without you having to mention it first?

Could be a red flag if the answer is no.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:27 PM   #6
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He does sound stingy. The men I've dated rarely ever let me pay for anything at first, even if I was adamant. With time, it was pretty much 50/50 but they often still spent quite a bit more on me than vice versa. Because I'm not used to stinginess, I would have probably ended it when he decided he'd drink my drink instead of buying his own. I understand when someone has financial problems, but at a certain point I expect pride to kick in. I've been jobless a few times and have never bummed anything off of anyone.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:27 PM   #7
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have you outright told him how you feel about the money situation and his stingyness? I agree with you, he is stingy... he is treating you like you are his sugar momma. You need to tell him how you feel. I had to recently do the same thing with my gf. I make a lot more than she does, but I pay for all of the bills excluding her half of the rent! She saves most of her money, and my money runs dry very fast because of bills. I had to give her the talk about her being too stingy. I live pay check to pay check, but she complains when she has a few thousand in her checking account, when I have a few dollars because I can't save. I was honest with her about how I felt and she is contributing a little more, or if I run out of money paying for bills she is more willing to give me some money to last me for a few days. It may help to just open up to your BF, you are not at fault!
We are not even really bf/gf, although he has referred to me as his girlfriend. We are just dating.

I feel like this is something I can't talk to him about. It seems like a fundamental difference in how we approach things and I doubt he would change at 28 years old.

Then there's the fact that I'm always the one that drives, we almost always take my car everywhere and if I ask if we can take his, he gripes about it. And he's always complaining about restaurants and bad service/bad food. I dunno. I'm just getting fed up. How do you tell someone these things without sounding like a total b*tch? Up until now we have had no problems and no fights. I feel like me bringing this stuff up will come straight out of left field.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:32 PM   #8
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Then there's the fact that I'm always the one that drives, we almost always take my car everywhere and if I ask if we can take his, he gripes about it. And he's always complaining about restaurants and bad service/bad food. I dunno. I'm just getting fed up. How do you tell someone these things without sounding like a total b*tch? Up until now we have had no problems and no fights. I feel like me bringing this stuff up will come straight out of left field.
UGH - he sounds like a guy I dated a few summers ago, it was really annoying. He didn't even offer to buy my birthday dinner - my co-worker (also a good friend outside of work) bought my meal.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:33 PM   #9
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Has he offered to pay for anything without you having to mention it first?

Could be a red flag if the answer is no.
Yes, he has bought two meals and just asked that I pay the tip. And one time he came in to the restaurant where we work and left me a $25 tip, but then joked around about how I owed him dinner because of it. I think I did pay for our drinks that night in return.

One day we were grabbing lunch and the bill came. I reached for it to put my half in and he didn't make any move. I was just like "do you have cash?" and he looked at me confused like he didn't understand why I was asking. I don't know if he expected me to buy the whole meal or what.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:33 PM   #10
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I'm like you - I prefer to do things 50/50. I will also happily cover my friend/boyfriend's bill sometimes, not because I can afford it, but money issues are sticky and I like being able to help out the people I love.

However, in my past 2 relationships (4yr, 2yr) I did feel like I was being taken adventage of. I wouldn't say anything, and then eventually he's staying over at my place 2 nights, then 5 nights, then every night of the week, eating my food, living rent-free, not really having a life of his own because he's "broke"...in both situations I became very resentful and it was one of the main reasons I broke up with them.

I'm looking for a generous guy because I'm very generous myself. I would never let a guy pay more than half of dinner/dates/bills--all I'm asking is for it to be equitable. Guys these days...sigh. It is SO unattractive to depend on a woman for money.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:41 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by colombiana28 View Post

I'm looking for a generous guy because I'm very generous myself. I would never let a guy pay more than half of dinner/dates/bills--all I'm asking is for it to be equitable. Guys these days...sigh. It is SO unattractive to depend on a woman for money.
Exactly...I am just not the type to demand someone to pay. I'm never going to harass him for his half. The only thing I did was make it clear on our trip how much money I had spent and that I was broke because of it. He didn't say anything about it.

I'm not saying that his way is bad, per se. He just needs to be with a woman that will demand things from him. That's just not me! I'm responsible with money and I don't just throw it away, but I work hard so that I can not worry about every little dollar.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:47 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Mycteria View Post
Exactly...I am just not the type to demand someone to pay. I'm never going to harass him for his half. The only thing I did was make it clear on our trip how much money I had spent and that I was broke because of it. He didn't say anything about it.

I'm not saying that his way is bad, per se. He just needs to be with a woman that will demand things from him. That's just not me! I'm responsible with money and I don't just throw it away, but I work hard so that I can not worry about every little dollar.
Unless you find a way to communicate all of this with him then you are going to remain broke...or close to it.

Things can change if you talk to him about it.

It can be a sensitive subject and he may get offended but that is better than him continually being stingy and taking advantage of your kindness.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:48 PM   #13
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Well when I start dating a girl I at least pay for the first few dates, no questions asked. Even if they really want to pay I would sneak it back in to their coat. That is just how we work in the UK though. Us guys nearly always ask the girl out and pay for things to a point. Normally then after the 2nd date the girl would start contributing.

It is possible he just has no money. I think you both need to sit down and think abotu what you can both afford. If you do this before making plans for dates you will feel more positive. For example when you arrange something just drop in to the convo that you have spent way too much recently (in general, not just dating) and set yourself a limit when you go out. Even tell him that so he knows you wont be paying for everything, pretend you are on a tight budget.

When it comes to meals just chuck in half and obviosuly that is his signal to put the rest in. If he can't even do that then he shouldn't really be dating....not at least in this manner, he should be honest and say he would rather stay in. It is possible he feels embarrassed about having no cash in which case you could also suggest just staying in and watching a film?

Don't feel bad about bringing this up though, you woudln't want a relationship with someone you have to look after completely financially so why date someone like it either.
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Old 19th November 2012, 1:59 PM   #14
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He has more money right now than I do. Like I said, I just bought a house so I am broke from that. He has significantly more in his account than I do. And we work the same job, so we know how much the other makes. I excused his cheapness when we first started dating because he had been without a job for a while, but that's not the case now.

Most of the time things are pretty much 50/50, except for him drinking my drinks and me driving everywhere. But then sometimes I am obviously paying for much more (like in the situation with the cat and the road trip).

That's why I posted here, because I wanted some outside opinions on whether or not I was overreacting. Because oftentimes we do split it 50/50 and there have been a few times when he has picked up the dinner bill.
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Old 19th November 2012, 2:18 PM   #15
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Well now you add the last bit I'm starting to think maybe you are overreacting a bit. If he is sometimes picking up dinner etc then maybe the cat etc isn't that bad. Just make a concious effort to put half in for everything and don't shy away from asking him for cash when you need it.

For example in the cat situation just say "I have $20, would you put $20 in towards it". If he starts pulling back or "forgetting" money he owes you then obviously he isn't really such a great guy. Most guys would love a girl who is contributing half way, it's the way it should be after a few dates these days as otherwise all us men would be flat broke.
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