Like my work colleague - but does he like me? !!

[Rhia1978]

Hello everyone,

 

He joined 3 weeks back.I've been there for over 9 months.

 

Week 1 - he'd walk past & say hi/bye,address me by name.Friday at work drinks we had a good conversation about sports & art.others were around as well so it wasn't a one on one chat.

 

Week 2 - He emailed me.Whole week we emailed.He wanted to check my art out so he sent me a fb.We talked sports & he asked me to a game with him later this year. Asked me to watch him play a game. I am going overseas shortly - so I told him after I get back I would. He also told me of a late evening art class at the national gallery-his cousin had told him.I was curious & asked him if he's into art he should join an art group am a member of-he said if I twisted his arm,he'd be up for it.In one of my emails I'd told him his team leader would be impressed with his work-he said 'thanx-I'd rather you be mean than nice to me'.Wednesday my colleague organised drinks - he was asking about after work drinks so I asked him to join us.At drinks he told me he felt I hadn't noticed him in the 1st week.When he found out am 4 yrs older apparently he looked like he was thinking 'wow she's this hot at this age'.After he left,my colleagues told me he's into me.Thursday & Friday he asked me to lunch.He'd flirt with me joking about the bed in our sick room.I told him it's inappropriate-he laughed 'we aren't in the office'.Friday drinks we went to a pub with other colleagues. We ended up kissing-left together & went back to his place.We chatted with his flatmate-I got a cab.Nothing had happened.Midway I remembered I'd left my watch at his place,turned the cab around.After I got the watch I wanted to leave but he stopped me. Said it was too late to set out. He gave me change of clothes.We lay in his bed for a bit talking & then things happened. He asked me if i would tell anyone at work & i said i would tell me best friend only. He said he was worried about his probation & would prefer to keep it under wraps. He had a game the next day so we went off to sleep. There was no cuddling. In the morning I told him I won't beat around the bush - that I like him & asked him how he felt. He said he hadn't realised how 'fragile' I am & that we should cool it off for a bit. I felt bad & didn't say anything. I started getting ready to leave - he said he would have driven me if he had a car. I told him it's fine & that he had to go to his game anyway. I went to his lounge room - he stayed in bed. His other flatmate was very nice to me & offered to make me coffee - I politely declined. I left - he didn't even walk me to the door - just said 'see you on monday'. In the cab I realised I'd left my earrings at his place. I emailed him on fb & asked him to bring them in on Monday. He answered immediately - asked me not to worry about what had happened & that it was certainly not boring with a smiley face. I told him I'd like to see him again. He read the email but didn't answer till much later - was at the game I knew. He said he was stuffed from the game - said 'we kind of rushed into things too quickly last night didn't we. Whiskey eh. Wasn't my intention for all that to have happened. Just hold off on random nights of passion for the next few months with this probation'.I agreed the sex was premature - that I wanted to take it slow & get to know him. I said was unclear about what he wanted - just friendship or dating. He answered saying 'let's keep it at friends & go from there'. I was crushed & said 'completely agree - lets just keep being work colleagues - keep it professional'.

 

Week 3 - On Monday I tried my best to avoid him. My friend training him.I had to talk to her about a work issue.I waited till the session was over & he had left to walk in.He walked back in & started talking to another guy who was still in the room. A friend rang me & I walked out as though busy on the mobile. Colleagues who sit around me told me he had come by my desk even before I had come in. Then round lunchtime I was trying to send an email & leave my desk when he caught me. He looked worried - asked me how I am. I was as natural & nice as I could. He asked me out to lunch. I hesitantly agreed. At lunch I tried to stop him but he wanted to talk about the night. He was worried about the rumour mill. I told him his probation wasn't the issue - reputation maybe. I told him a lot of young ladies were joining soon - so to be careful. The conversation was done in very good spirit & we were laughing a lot. He assured me he had never done this before - almost like I was accusing him of being a player. I had told him on the night itself that I had never ever done this before. He told me he'd spoken to his cousin about me & he'd told him to lie low for the first 6 months of work. He said I have a 'magnetic' personality. He accepted he was flirting via his emails the previous week. I told him to be careful with emails. He told me his Flatmates really liked me & one even texted him 'she's a cool chick'. He told me he'd heard me sobbing while I was changing into his clothes & said he can't tolerate women crying cos he fears he's done something wrong...that he feels the same way when his mum or sisters cry. I assured him it wasn't him but work stress - I was just letting off some steam. I had some bruises on my arms - he asked if he had left them - I nodded - he apologised - I told him I bruise easily. I was very happy with the conversation...thought he liked me. He said the real test would be friday drinks - i told him i will be staying away - 'your not going all shy on me are you?'. I laughed.

 

After that the week went oddly. I kept trying to avoid him as discreetly as possible but he'd follow me into the kitchen. He emailed me a bit but his emails were very dry. He wouldn't walk past my desk much. In the first place he shouldn't at all. There's a shorter route to the toilets/printers/exits/kitchen from his desk - so he shouldn't be passing my desk at all. Because of meetings & training, we didn't have an opportunity to go for lunch. Friday he came by my desk & asked me what I was doing later in the evening. I said 'nothing' - didn't say anything else. Later I was hanging out with my colleagues at the same pub we'd been to on a Wednesday. I emailed him on fb & told him. He answered much later - I knew he had not read my email till then. He'd been shopping - asked about my evening - told me he had a game on the weekend again - asked me what I had on - said he'd be sore on Monday. I was hoping he'd ask for my nr but no. I have a Halloween party & need to pack for overseas. He ended the convo with 'have fun at the party & enjoy packing'.*

 

So this is the story. Once more - sorry it's so long. I really like him. Of course I've told him that. I thought he liked me too. Not sure if there's any hope cos I do want to pursue a relationship with him. We don't work in the same section. Am I being paranoid in thinking that he's being polite & nice to me just cos we work together but doesn't want anything more to do with me...or is he really just being cautious as his cousin told him cos of his probation but wants me? What do I do?

 

Thanx in advance!!*

Edited October 26, 2012 by Rhia1978

[ja123]

I read your long post.

 

It's his probation he's worried about.

 

He doesn't want you. There was no cuddling after sex. He didn't offer you coffee. He didn't walk you to the door. That speaks volumes. He's faaaaaaarrrrrr from being a gentleman.

 

The only reason he's giving you bogus excuses about what his cousin said, etc. is to keep you sweet (and hanging thinking that you have a chance of a future relationship) so that you don't expose the truth about him which could result in his job loss.

 

Stop talking to him, unless absolutely necessary for work.

[Rhia1978]

I read your long post.

 

It's his probation he's worried about.

 

He doesn't want you. There was no cuddling after sex. He didn't offer you coffee. He didn't walk you to the door. That speaks volumes. He's faaaaaaarrrrrr from being a gentleman.

 

The only reason he's giving you bogus excuses about what his cousin said, etc. is to keep you sweet (and hanging thinking that you have a chance of a future relationship) so that you don't expose the truth about him which could result in his job loss.

 

Stop talking to him, unless absolutely necessary for work.

 

Thanx for taking time to read. I have told him that this has nothing to do with his probation - reputation maybe. And if he needed to keep me quiet, he did not have to follow me around the office - or ask me to lunch either. Why would he do that? After all the best thing would have been to leave me alone. I had agreed to remaining colleagues & being professional. Can you tell me pls? He didn't need to quote his cousin either - he can say it's his own concern. I tried desperately to stay out of his way but he sought me out - why?

[CC12]

I tried desperately to stay out of his way but he sought me out - why?

 

It's probably best if you don't try to figure out what he's doing or thinking. His words and actions when it mattered most indicate that he's not interested in being more than friends/work colleagues. Just leave it at that.

 

By the way, why were you sobbing when you were at his place?

[Rhia1978]

It's probably best if you don't try to figure out what he's doing or thinking. His words and actions when it mattered most indicate that he's not interested in being more than friends/work colleagues. Just leave it at that.

 

By the way, why were you sobbing when you were at his place?

 

If he really wants to be friends/colleagues then why has he been following me round work? Or am I imagining it? There's a printer closer to him than the one next to my desk - he can use another exit to go to the toilet/kitchen/lifts but he keeps passing by my desk. Am I imagining that too?

 

Also after our chat on Monday he said 'you are not going to become shy on me again are you?'. What's that supposed to mean? He told me I have a 'magnetic' personality & that's what drew him to me. He also brought up intimate details of the night that I tried to avoid. He apologised for some of the bruises he could see - I told him I bruise easily. And he was hell bent on assuring me that he doesn't do this normally - so in other words trying to tell me he's not a sleaze. Not that I was insinuating that at any point. So why say all this? Why even bother to talk to me? Live & let live would have been fine. I would have written it off as my one & only one might stand & gotten over it. He's still sending me flirty emails - far less in nr but still. I don't think he's a scumbag - but this behaviour is confusing me

 

I was sobbing cos I had a very stressful week at work & was letting off some steam. I told him that when he asked me at lunch on Monday. Nothing to do with him. Though the way he behaved in the morning - I could have cried - I didn't. He did say he would have dropped me home if he had a car - helped me locate & charge my mobile but other than this he was cold to me. It hurt me. I should have brought it up during our chat but I wasn't prepared for the talk - he had taken me by surprise.

[CC12]

but this behaviour is confusing me

 

I know it is. His behavior is confusing. I think most people would be confused by it. It doesn't really make sense. He basically said, "No more sex. Let's just be friends. Oh, and please, please, please don't tell anyone this happened." Yet he's still flirting with you at work and talking about the night you spent with him. Of course you're confused. He's being weird. That's why I said don't try to figure it out. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what he's doing. He wasn't nice to you and you should be done with him.

 

Since you've brought it up twice, I have to ask. How did you get the bruises? And don't just say, "I bruise easily." I'm not asking you to get graphic, but I'm wondering if these are happy fun bruises that couldn't have been avoided, or...what.

[Rhia1978]

I know it is. His behavior is confusing. I think most people would be confused by it. It doesn't really make sense. He basically said, "No more sex. Let's just be friends. Oh, and please, please, please don't tell anyone this happened." Yet he's still flirting with you at work and talking about the night you spent with him. Of course you're confused. He's being weird. That's why I said don't try to figure it out. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what he's doing. He wasn't nice to you and you should be done with him.

 

Since you've brought it up twice, I have to ask. How did you get the bruises? And don't just say, "I bruise easily." I'm not asking you to get graphic, but I'm wondering if these are happy fun bruises that couldn't have been avoided, or...what.

 

Yes they were just bruises from when we were making out - he wasn't rough with me - I do bruise easily though. I do like him

& it hurts to think that this was all he was after. So many girls in the city - why mess around at work - get on my fb etc

[CC12]

Yes they were just bruises from when we were making out - he wasn't rough with me - I do bruise easily though. I do like him

& it hurts to think that this was all he was after. So many girls in the city - why mess around at work - get on my fb etc

 

Do yourself a favor and stop asking why. You'll likely never know the answer because you can't get inside his head to figure it out.

 

 

 

The other day, I went downtown, where the homeless people live. There was a homeless woman sitting on the sidewalk outside of a local shop and she was furiously writing things on a notepad. Every few seconds, she would shout things, things I shouldn't repeat here, to no one in particular. I could have sat there all day, observing her and asking myself why she does the things she does. Instead, I smiled and nodded at her, felt some compassion for her, and briefly wondered why she was doing that. Then I realized I'll never understand why some people do the things they do and I continued on with my life. That's what you should do with this guy.

[Rhia1978]

Hello all a quick update. I had turned down his offer of friendship. Told him that I am attracted to him & I couldn't be just friends with him. He said he appreciated but honesty - since he has so much on his plate he did not want to mess me around - that we get on well & he hoped things wouldn't change. I did not reply to that since I had made my decision to not communicate any longer except for work purposes. However everyday he would still make sure we exchanged a hello or goodbye - and he'd do that even when I'd have my back to him - he'd call out my name so I had to turn around.

 

Then this last thursday he was walking past my desk more often. I was in my manager's office telling her what had happened (she had returned from holidays & all this had happened while she was away - she's like a mother hen to us). She used to work in the same dept he used to work at. I came out of her office & he was standing & chatting with my colleague. We nodded at each other & I introduced my manager to him. My colleague & I were supposed to step out for drinks so I started getting ready - walked away telling my colleague to meet me at the lifts. While I was waiting for her, he popped his head through the exit door & asked me 'are you going for a drink rhia?'. I nodded & hesitantly said 'do you want to come along?'. He said 'only if you want me to'. I shrugged. My manager saw all of this & told me the next day that I was being very bitchy to him. Anyway he came along & we had a great time. He left after 1 drink so I could relax. My other 2 colleagues told me I had behaved very well.

 

The following day (Friday) I had been requested by the executive director of his division to speak at their meeting. I was on edge & had wanted to ask my colleague to do it instead of me but I was advised not to do so. I was told to show him that I am in control & remind him of my stature in the organisation. So I went & it went very well. I was funny, the audience was very appreciative & receptive. It felt good. We bumped into each other a bit & it felt like we were getting back to that nice & friendly space we had been in before the sex.

 

I wanted to avoid work drinks but again was advised not to. I was chatting with a colleague sitting at the bar when he walked in & plonked down right next to me. We did not speak as he talked to others while I kept talking to my colleague. Then he swivelled around & we both said hello & started chatting - he showed me some books he had bought. His team leaders were there & we all had a great conversation about books & movies. Two of my closest work friends were sitting behind us on the couch - he went & joined them. I started talking to another guy - we always pull each others legs. He saw us flirting (I was intentionally doing it but as subtly as possible) & came up to us - almost as though he was jealous. Later on one of my work friends told me that while my work friends told me that while sitting with them he had his eyes on me constantly. She had not met him earlier & after meeting him she said he surely likes me & is a nice guy.

 

Then he suggested that we all go to a pub - funnily enough I had always wanted to go to this pub. We walked up in a big bunch & he kept looking back to check where I was. At the pub both of us put tables together but unfortunately he didn't get to sit next to me. The guy I had been flirting with was next to me. He knows about us & decided to swap seats with him. Me & my friends had been checking out the chef. So when he sat next to me he asked me to show him who I had been perving at. I pointed him out & he said 'if you find him attractive then how could you have found me attractive only a few weeks back?' - I laughed & said I don't just have one type. It almost seemed like he was insecure - scared almost of losing me. He even touched my arm. I had been noticing that he tried to touch me whenever he had an opportunity - I'd pass a glass & try hard to avoid touching his fingers but he somehow made sure they touched.

 

Me & my friend had to leave for the theatre - he looked almost sad that I was leaving. One of my work friends texted me & said he left almost straight after I left.

 

Not sure what to make of this - it almost seems like he's adamant that he won't allow me to not be friends with him. Or does he like me? Thanx in advance!!