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Silent Treatment


kk879

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So my boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 months. We live an hour apart from one another so usually only see each other on the weekends.

Anyways, we have gotten in a couple arguments and I've noticed his way of dealing is usually hanging up on me, then ignoring all my calls and texts for a little while and then he usually calls me back and things are fine again. Well last weekend, we ended up not being able to see each other.

 

We got in an argument Sunday night in which he basically ignored me until Monday and then called me and acted like everything was fine, told me he would call me in an hour after he finished dinner. He never called. You know I didn't make a huge deal about it.

On Tuesday, we were texting most the day and then talked on the phone that night. Well he got mad at me, and did his usual hang up and not talk to me and ignored my calls and text. I texted him a few times Wednesday and he didn't respond. Then he called me Wednesday night to ask me how my dad was doing (who has been sick), I told him and then he just hung up on me in like midsentence.

 

I called back thinking maybe it was just a bad phone connection but he didn't answer and never called back. So at this point, I just decided that I am not calling and texting anymore because I don't really feel like calling or texting someone that is just going to ignore me anyways and if he wants to get over being mad at me then he can be the one to call or text.

So yesterday morning, he texted me first thing in the morning with a Good Morning to which I simply replied Morning. Didn't hear from him all day until last night when he forwarded me a group message. And as of right now, haven't heard from him.

 

It's definitely the longest he has ever gone without calling me and I just can't bring myself to initiate any type of contact because I feel like he's doing all of this to punish me.

He knows that I cannot stand it when he ignores me, hangs up on me, or whatever. I guess I just don't understand why he has bothered with the few text messages.

 

I am guessing that means he doesn't want to break things off or he's waiting for me to call and text which I am pretty firm on the idea that I really don't think I should.

I am not trying to play games here. In fact quite the opposite, I want him to understand that it's not okay to just hang up on me every time he gets mad and then make me be the one to beg for forgiveness by not speaking to me for however long.

 

And I am also sick of looking like the desperate one by continuing to call and text with no response. The longer we haven't spoken though the more irritated I am getting so I am just wondering if I am doing the right thing here. I guess at this point I don't really know what to do.

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You have to tell him you are not ok with the silent treatment...plain and simple...do you want a relationship that is going to be like this in the future...It boils down to communication...he shuts down, some people do that to avoid saying something irrational before they think and thats not a bad thing but he needs to come back and explain what made him mad....he needs to communicate.. I've had a relationship like that and walking on eggshells is not fun. He is in control of the whole relationship right now and he knows it..thats my opinion anyway.

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KK,

 

Why would he ever change if you allow this bull****?

You have to teach him what's acceptable to you and what isn't.

 

Do not call him or text him or anything.

If he's so childish and can't use his words like a big boy, then he can just **** right off.

 

If he calls - honestly, I don't think you should be in a hurry to answer or even get back to him, but if you do end up talking to him eventually be straight forward and clear that this childish nonsense is absolutely unacceptable and if he repeats it and if he insists on carrying on like a child, then maybe its time to free him and let him find a "mommy" type that will indulge him.

 

Its absolutely incredible to me that you've put up with this crap for as long as you did.

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mortensorchid

That sounds terrible. The silent treatment is a bad thing, but then again that's what it's supposed to be, right? With all that you have described, he sounds like a drama queen. I'd reconsider this if I were you, he doesn't sound like a good person.

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He seems emotionally stunted - each person should be capable of TALKING about how hey feel about things.

 

Since he can't or won't - that would be a huge red flag that he's not a healthy choice.

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This is emotional blackmail, plain and simple. Make it clear to him that you will not tolerate such behaviour again, and will walk if he repeats it. And if he does repeat it, DO walk. It's not supposed to be a bluff. You don't need a man who plays such mind games, blackmails you, blows hot, then cold, then hot again, rinse repeat. This is not normal. He is acting like a 3 year old who throws a tantrum if he doesn't get his way. One thing I hate MOST is when someone hangs up on me. I do not accept that. That's just rude. No matter how upset one is, that's just rude and shows that he has no respect for you. My ex did that a few times, and that was more than I was willing to tolerate. He also did the silent treatment every time he didn't get his way, and various other means of emotional blackmail. Soon enough your bf will start threatening to break up with you if he does not get his way.

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Welcome to the forum. Need to know more detail about the nature of these arguments you two have, how do they start, what frequency, the topics, etc. Getting angry and terminating a conversation until the next day so cooler heads prevail is -not- the silent treatment, but it sounds like he may indeed be wrongfully punishing you. More detail needed generally.

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Welcome to LS :)

 

In addition to understanding the context/nature of the arguments better, this appears to be short-LDR, being you live an hour apart and have contact only on weekends. Is this an exclusive and monogamous sexual relationship? 'Boyfriend' can mean different things to different people. IMO, the nature of your relationship has bearing on the context and appearance of conflict and communication styles within it.

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Wow you guys seem to argue a LOT for only having been together 3 months. That isn't normal, what do you argue about so much? Are you sure you guys are compatible?

 

Anyway, the silent treatment and hanging up would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd tell him after the first time he did it and after that nope done.

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The better question is why are you dating this dude? Why are you putting up with this?

 

I think it's different in serial dating, which is what I do. My feelings are not such that I pour my heart out to them and talk things out. In my case, I'd come off as desperate and needy, since I'm only casually dating. So, for me, when a problem arises, I just drop the girl. Ignore her calls and texts etc and move on with no emotion.

 

In an exclusive relationship I'd be much different. You have to be able to communicate and express your feelings or else you run the risk of harboring resentment and/or becoming emotionally unattached to your partner.

 

I've noticed this with a lot couples. They'll have good weeks and bad weeks; usually the bad weeks come as a result of not handling the first problem. They have a problem on Monday, didn't fully handle the situation, let animosity build, and by Friday there is still bickering, still ice on the relationship. Both partners have to tackle problems in their totality as soon as they arise and nip it in the bud. The first time he gave you the silent treatment, you should have expressed your displeasure and explained if he intended on keeping you as a girlfriend, that was the first and last time he was to behave that way. Instead, you never fully took it on and instead try to mirror his game playing with games of your own.

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LEAVE!

 

I my ex is this type of person, and I'll save getting into the whole long story behind it, but I will share it is the most childish, callous behavior I have ever experienced from another human being. There is nothing to talk about, this isn't an accident, if that is the kind of person he is, it is a sign of serious mental issues, and it will be a problem for as long as you stay in a relationship with that person.

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I don't think this is what most people would call "the silent treatment". It sounds to me like he just wants to stop talking until he calms down. That's perfectly normal (and actually a very smart thing to do).

 

It's odd that he then acts like nothing happened. Do you ask him at that point to resolve whatever you two were arguing about?

 

I agree that it's pretty odd to be arguing after only dating 3 months. I think that's the biggest red flag in your story. What are you fighting about?

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I don't think this is what most people would call "the silent treatment". It sounds to me like he just wants to stop talking until he calms down. That's perfectly normal (and actually a very smart thing to do).

 

 

I agree that calming down until you can talk about it calmly is a good idea, but he hangs up on her and then blatantly ignores her. It's not like he is all "Let me think about this tonight, I will give you a call tomorrow" or something. Esp when then he starts convo back up by acting like nothing happened.

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todreaminblue
So my boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 months. We live an hour apart from one another so usually only see each other on the weekends.

Anyways, we have gotten in a couple arguments and I've noticed his way of dealing is usually hanging up on me, then ignoring all my calls and texts for a little while and then he usually calls me back and things are fine again. Well last weekend, we ended up not being able to see each other.

 

We got in an argument Sunday night in which he basically ignored me until Monday and then called me and acted like everything was fine, told me he would call me in an hour after he finished dinner. He never called. You know I didn't make a huge deal about it.

On Tuesday, we were texting most the day and then talked on the phone that night. Well he got mad at me, and did his usual hang up and not talk to me and ignored my calls and text. I texted him a few times Wednesday and he didn't respond. Then he called me Wednesday night to ask me how my dad was doing (who has been sick), I told him and then he just hung up on me in like midsentence.

 

I called back thinking maybe it was just a bad phone connection but he didn't answer and never called back. So at this point, I just decided that I am not calling and texting anymore because I don't really feel like calling or texting someone that is just going to ignore me anyways and if he wants to get over being mad at me then he can be the one to call or text.

So yesterday morning, he texted me first thing in the morning with a Good Morning to which I simply replied Morning. Didn't hear from him all day until last night when he forwarded me a group message. And as of right now, haven't heard from him.

 

It's definitely the longest he has ever gone without calling me and I just can't bring myself to initiate any type of contact because I feel like he's doing all of this to punish me.

He knows that I cannot stand it when he ignores me, hangs up on me, or whatever. I guess I just don't understand why he has bothered with the few text messages.

 

I am guessing that means he doesn't want to break things off or he's waiting for me to call and text which I am pretty firm on the idea that I really don't think I should.

I am not trying to play games here. In fact quite the opposite, I want him to understand that it's not okay to just hang up on me every time he gets mad and then make me be the one to beg for forgiveness by not speaking to me for however long.

 

And I am also sick of looking like the desperate one by continuing to call and text with no response. The longer we haven't spoken though the more irritated I am getting so I am just wondering if I am doing the right thing here. I guess at this point I don't really know what to do.

 

When I have been in a relationship I have often given the silent treatment, with arguments i have hung up.........i do it to give myself time to process the argument and see where i am at fault....I have called back though and apologised and when i have been apologised too i reciprocate and let that guy know its not only his fault...i dont hold grudges and would rather talk things out but i work things out when i am not in a state of high emotion where my flight or fight response is at work.A lot of people dont like the silent treatment as they see it as games with me....its the safest way for me to process an argument without running or saying something i regret ....i do normally say i cant talk to you or i am hanging up now....i m getting upset.....i am actually a pretty patient mediator and i am always willing to look at what i do wrong in an argument my stubbornness my flaws all come into play so does my history.I have received counselling telling me that this si the best way fro me to handle dissention and my flight or fight response....i find it works.....

 

 

but i do understand guys would find me annoying....and possible get aggressive with me....which is a bit unfair as i am only doing it so the argument can be worked out.....its not a game to me....i am sorry your boyfriend is playing games though it sounds more like that i can see that he is by not referring back to the argument with no explanation or reason behind his actions.....and continually doing it as such.....that is so unfair on you I would talk to him tell him how you feel, let him know it makes you feel like crap.......ask him not to do it see if you can mediate a better way to deal with arguments......talk to him face to face...phones can be notoriously hard to sort an argument out over.......

phones dotn let you gage peoples emotions really or body language.....and I often used to mistake my ex over the phone thinking he was saying one thing and really it was another......it caused problems in itself phone convos i have always been a face to face person........because you can hide how some bodys words or conversations affect you over the phone i can anyway.....i cant in person with someone i love....its plain to see.....when i am hurt you see it...over the phone i would say ok hanging up now..fight or flight.....dont put up with your bf manipulating your emotions or making you vulnerable....so unfair...talk to him.....hugs to ya....deb

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