conehead Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 I have a bf of 1 year. He has a 'step-mom' and two half siblings, which is not unusual. However, his father has for the last 30 years been with both his family and his step-mom's family in the most unusual way. He is still married to my bf's mother and spends the first half of every month with her. The other half is spent with his mistress. He sleeps with both women....this arrangement where both women share one man has been going on for 30 years. Both women and families know about it but the women let him do what he does because they cant let him go. Even after having been with my bf for a year, my heart breaks for him, his siblings, and most of all for his sweet mother. It's just so sad and tragic. It angers me how his father can do such a thing and continue to do it and torture both women for so many years. Perhaps both women and families are just 'used' to it by now? I don't know how they do it sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Did you have a question, or are you just venting? Arrangements like this are not always "sad and tragic." It's possible that neither woman is hurt by it and that nobody is being tortured. In any case, they are adults and this is how they've chosen to live their lives, so I think you're wasting your energy being heartbroken over this. Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 you don't have to worry about his family. The thing is he is likely to have the same behavior. you know the phrase 'you can tell the person by looking at their friends' father-son relationship is stronger than friends plus there is gene involved. you shouldn't be surprised AT ALL if he does the same thing later. If I meet a girl whose mom has a whore behavior, I wouldn't get serious with her. That's why in our culture, we judge family members of the person before deciding on marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LittlePrince Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 I have a bf of 1 year. He has a 'step-mom' and two half siblings, which is not unusual. However, his father has for the last 30 years been with both his family and his step-mom's family in the most unusual way. He is still married to my bf's mother and spends the first half of every month with her. The other half is spent with his mistress. He sleeps with both women....this arrangement where both women share one man has been going on for 30 years. Both women and families know about it but the women let him do what he does because they cant let him go. Even after having been with my bf for a year, my heart breaks for him, his siblings, and most of all for his sweet mother. It's just so sad and tragic. It angers me how his father can do such a thing and continue to do it and torture both women for so many years. Perhaps both women and families are just 'used' to it by now? I don't know how they do it sometimes. Well it isn't your relationship. It is best to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
venusianx13 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 I'd be careful. This is a big red flag to me. Does your boyfriend see anything wrong about his father's behavior? My ex of 5 years had a two-timing dad. His mother stayed for the sake of the kids, and probably for financial reasons, too. I suppose she also still loved her husband (she said she did.) She would often tell me to be careful with my ex, because he was a lot like his father. At first, I didn't heed her advice. Eventually, I think having a dad who behaved that way really rubbed off on him, because he eventually ended up cheating on me (a few times, too.) The point at which I should have been concerned was my boyfriend's non-reaction to his dad's ways, and his non-reaction to the emotional toll it clearly had on his mother. He seemed pretty calloused about it. The rest of his siblings showed other signs of the affect it had on them. The eldest brother had absolutely no relationship with his dad, and even went so far as to say that he was never getting married because he felt "too messed up" from his family dynamic. The younger brother became a reclusive Orthodox Jew. I'm not saying that your relationship is doomed to end up badly, but examine your boyfriend's attitude about his father's behavior; really. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 A man can do whatever he can afford to do. Chances are both women are in it for the money themselves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 sooner or later the two women will see a man with varicose veins and a droop at bedtime, yes, i could say similar things about the women - overall, at some point people lose thier prowess and then you need to be rich to get with a member of the opposite sex Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Unless the father has drawn up a will that divides all property equally, the legally married wife and her offspring will probably get everything. Which will mean a royal battle in the courts after his death, further upsetting everyone. What a selfish man. What foolish women. Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 This is such an extreme arrangement that I doubt it will be repeated. You can't convict the son for the sins of the father. You've been with this man for a year, how does he treat you? My father is a very moral, stand up citizen that does everything by the book. He follows all the rules, laws, and all that good stuff. I on the other hand will 'get over', just about every chance I get. I was a drug dealer for many years, and I have no zero respect for law/authority. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but who's to say it can't roll down a hill somewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Yikes. My concern about this is not for that of the family itself, but more for you and your relationship with your bf. What does he think of this? And how does it affect his behaviors with you and others? I know a very messed up family, unfortunately for me my mom decided that the mom was her bestie for way too long. The marriage was miserable to say the least. The father used to beat the mother, and their son used to beat his gfs in high school because of that. The daughter was a complete and utter shrew. The father also cheated on their mother, I wouldn't put it past him that he might have another wife and kids somewhere else. THen, about 20/25 years ago he decided to move to FL where he remains today. He left his family, does not support his wife or his children, but comes back for occasions and holidays. They "need their space". THey are "trying to work it out". NOT. What a bunch of nonsense. I would worry about the bf, because apples do not fall far from the tree. Just think about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Apple does not fal far from the tree... That's bullshiz as often as not. Judge a person. If your bf thinks its okay, that's different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author conehead Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 Yes I do worry about the quote the apples don't fall far from the tree. However, my bf doesn't like his father and is ashamed of what he calls his dynsfunctional family. My bf loves his mom and always has a need to take care of her because his dad is rarely around. My bf says he wants to be nothing like his dad. That being said he's sad bout his family situation. He tells me in a somewhat bitter way that I'm lucky I have what he thinks is a perfect way Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 When people are raised in such a way, it often feels normal and comfortable to them. That comfort factor makes it more likely for them to repeat similar behavior. His father went elsewhere when he got bored with the marriage, and watered another lawn instead of his own grass. Your boyfriend did not have a good model for a father. IN addition, his mother was so accepting of this that he may expect all women to be this accommodating. The thing is, he probably won't repeat the behavior until way down the line in the relationship. Like after you have kids. Many people hate their dysfunctional families, and yet still repeat the same behavior later in life. They don't WANT to be like them, and yet they still are. I would say it's pretty risky. Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 So... people from dysfunctional families, regardless of what work they might have done (we have no information here on that) are automatically unsuited for healthy relationships through no behavior of their own and should just be alone forever? Brilliant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Unless the father has drawn up a will that divides all property equally, the legally married wife and her offspring will probably get everything. Which will mean a royal battle in the courts after his death, further upsetting everyone. What a selfish man. What foolish women. In most of the world perhaps let me tell you about the Republic of the Phillipines where this situation is common enough to be mentioned in the cultural guide books. There being no divorce and civil annulments are more difficult to get then Catholic annulments, shotgun weddings are not a valid reason for the state but are for the church as an example. As long as the man cares for the children of the legal wife and the mistress he is culturally accepted. Yet the Christian majority will make jokes about Islamic pollygamy. In their case the mistress gets 25%. Sometimes the situation is known. My wife says in her case she didn't know about her father, I haven't asked the mother in law, until her father died and then she had her only contact with unknown siblings Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Would you call me a 'judgmental person' if I choose not to see her after several dates because her dad was a pimp and her mom was a prostitute? Is it selfish to find someone from a Normal family? Are you from a dysfunctional family? Is that why you are trying to defend it? If someone has a serious problem inside the family, it will affect the relationship to progress. It's not just about Who you are. So... people from dysfunctional families, regardless of what work they might have done (we have no information here on that) are automatically unsuited for healthy relationships through no behavior of their own and should just be alone forever? Brilliant. Link to post Share on other sites
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