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How can I get this shy guy to make the first move?


Beausoleil

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I go to a special interest meeting several times a week. There's a speaker and discussion follows. For the past 10 months, there's been a guy staring at me a lot. In the beginning I tried talking to him, but could hardly get a word out of him. He never spoke up at meetings either. I asked someone about him, and she said he's painfully shy. I tried talking with him again a few more times, then gave up. In the past couple of months, he's started speaking up at meetings and will respond to questions I ask but briefly. I think part of the problem is there is no privacy at these meetings, and no way to be discreet having the kind of conversation that would begin a personal relationship. I'm not much of a flirt and want to be myself, and also flirting around the group would be obvious to everyone there. I've tried to encourage him twice recently by going out of my way to be certain that I grab his hand for the closing prayer. He seemed pretty happy about that, but then I had to miss several meetings. Now I'm back and he's acting hesitant.

 

I prefer that he make the first move. I think it's good for a man's ego to ask and get a yes or get a phone number. And in my experience I've found that guys don't really like it when the woman makes the first move.

 

This is driving me absolutely crazy. I just want to find out if we have anything in common instead of dragging things on forever. Should I just give this guy my number somehow and say, let's take a long walk in the park and find out what we have in common?

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I go to a special interest meeting several times a week. There's a speaker and discussion follows. For the past 10 months, there's been a guy staring at me a lot. In the beginning I tried talking to him, but could hardly get a word out of him. He never spoke up at meetings either. I asked someone about him, and she said he's painfully shy. I tried talking with him again a few more times, then gave up. In the past couple of months, he's started speaking up at meetings and will respond to questions I ask but briefly. I think part of the problem is there is no privacy at these meetings, and no way to be discreet having the kind of conversation that would begin a personal relationship. I'm not much of a flirt and want to be myself, and also flirting around the group would be obvious to everyone there. I've tried to encourage him twice recently by going out of my way to be certain that I grab his hand for the closing prayer. He seemed pretty happy about that, but then I had to miss several meetings. Now I'm back and he's acting hesitant.

 

I prefer that he make the first move. I think it's good for a man's ego to ask and get a yes or get a phone number. And in my experience I've found that guys don't really like it when the woman makes the first move.

 

This is driving me absolutely crazy. I just want to find out if we have anything in common instead of dragging things on forever. Should I just give this guy my number somehow and say, let's take a long walk in the park and find out what we have in common?

 

If he's so quiet and shy, then what do you like about him?

 

If he's really good looking, maybe he hasn't warmed up to you because he's not attracted to you. Or maybe he's gay.

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He may only be shy in certain situations like me. I'm very quiet in the classroom. OTOH when I'm with my friends let the good times roll! So he may be a very likeable guy, just shy in certain situations. That being said he'll NEVER ask you out or for a phone number if he's quite in a classroom/meeting type situation. Not trying to burst your bubble but it's the way it is. You may have to make the first move! Welcome to our world.

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If he's so quiet and shy, then what do you like about him?

 

If he's really good looking, maybe he hasn't warmed up to you because he's not attracted to you. Or maybe he's gay.

 

 

Shy guys are not gay i was going to put an incident on here.....to show how gays are not always shy (so therefore shy guys are not always gay) ..i decided not to be graphic..shy girls are not lesbians.....shy guys are not homosexual......shy guys are just that.....shy doesnt mean they will always be shy....just in new situations or occurrences......my ex had never had a serious girlfriend before me had sex but not a serious monogamous relationship he was shy with me when we got together....he isnt now.......maybe the shyness was just with me i dont know .....we explored his shyness together and killed it......maybe to much like overkill....live and learn.....;0)....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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Shy guys are not gay i was going to put an incident on here.....to show how gays are not always shy (so therefore shy guys are not always gay) ..i decided not to be graphic..shy girls are not lesbians.....shy guys are not homosexual......shy guys are just that.....shy doesnt mean they will always be shy....just in new situations or occurrences......my ex had never had a serious girlfriend before me had sex but not a serious monogamous relationship he was shy with me when we got together....he isnt now.......maybe the shyness was just with me i dont know .....we explored his shyness together and killed it......maybe to much like overkill....live and learn.....;0)....deb

 

Haha. I don't associate being shy with gay...

 

But I know this guy who is really quiet and painfully shy. Half asian, half white,

 

He also happens to be really good looking. Gals throw themselves at him and he sits there and looks so quiet and spacy while they're trying to talk to him. At first, I thought he was:o gay.

 

Meanwhile, the same women blow me off when I'm trying to talk to them.

 

Oh, the humanity. :cool:

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Haha. I don't associate being shy with gay...

 

But I know this guy who is really quiet and painfully shy. Half asian, half white,

 

He also happens to be really good looking. Gals throw themselves at him and he sits there and looks so quiet and spacy while they're trying to talk to him. At first, I thought he was:o gay.

 

Meanwhile, the same women blow me off when I'm trying to talk to them.

 

Oh, the humanity. :cool:

I can see why women blow you off... references to gays, having to point out that someone is half asian, obsession with whether someone is good looking, negativity and crappy comments.

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I can see why women blow you off... references to gays, having to point out that someone is half asian, obsession with whether someone is good looking, negativity and crappy comments.

 

You can make me feel guilty and like a piece of crap if it makes YOU feel better. But i assure you that is not why women blow me off.

 

If you don't believe me, you can ask the few women who have dated me what they think of me.

 

I'm just pointing out the obvious.

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Beausoleil, if you're not into taking the pursuer role, then don't ask the guy out or give him your number. I agree with you that guys seem to respond better when they pursue.

 

You should consider what his being shy might mean and whether you want that in a relationship. A lot of people are shy in a crowd and not shy with people they know well. That was true for me, but I was still shy about expressing wants and needs in a relationship and the guys I dated often got frustrated because they couldn't "read" me. Obviously every person isn't the same, but keep that in mind.

 

My recommendation is to find someone who'll be less work. But if you really have your heart set on this guy, continue to chat him up like you would any other friend so he's comfortable talking with you. During the course of getting to know him, you'll also find out information to let you know if you and he are compatible or not.

 

Find out what he's interested in and share what you're interested in. If he mentions something you enjoy, enthusiastically tell him you enjoy that, too. If he's comfortable chatting with you and knows specific things he can invite you to do, it's not too much of a leap for him to ask you to do one of those things. If he can't get the courage to ask you out at that point, I wouldn't put much hope in him being able to carry half the relationship.

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I'm in a similar position and I've decided it's too much like hard work if he isn't meeting me half way. A guy can't become an adult in today's society without realising he's supposed to make some effort/advances if he wants a girlfriend. He might not be interested, or he might be too shy to do anything. If you have to do all the work, do you really want a guy who is going to have to be looked after to that extent?

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I don't believe in "shy guys". Guys (or girls) of any age may be shy when they are in social interactions (not just romantic ones), but they are not shy when it comes to other aspects of their lives. Guys who may seem shy towards you or other women are not shy about playing sports, cheering for games, their jobs, or other things in life. Part of it is maturity, part of it is simple bravery, and part of it is fear of the unknown. And, unfortunately, it's also the fact that he may just not be that interested to begin with. He may say he is, but he really isn't. That's how it rolls.

 

I'd back off. If it's been infatuation for that long and nothing's happening, nothing's going to happen.

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I don't believe in "shy guys". Guys (or girls) of any age may be shy when they are in social interactions (not just romantic ones), but they are not shy when it comes to other aspects of their lives. Guys who may seem shy towards you or other women are not shy about playing sports, cheering for games, their jobs, or other things in life. Part of it is maturity, part of it is simple bravery, and part of it is fear of the unknown. And, unfortunately, it's also the fact that he may just not be that interested to begin with. He may say he is, but he really isn't. That's how it rolls.

 

I'd back off. If it's been infatuation for that long and nothing's happening, nothing's going to happen.

 

Or it could be social anxiety. Have you ever not walked into class on the first day because you were late and when you got close you could see everyone looking at you and you just walked by like it wasn't your room? I have. I'm past that now btw but my SA does flare up from time to time.

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This guy is clearly a loser, think about it.

 

Men like it when women make the first move but only by women they are attracted to.

 

Just because 5-10 men reject you doesn't mean it doesn't work. (welcome to our world)

 

This guy is not worth your time.... there are plenty of fun and confident men out there, no reason to be obsessing over good looking loser. :laugh:

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^So when a guy isnt interested in a woman, hes a loser?

 

Since when is it that guys are automatically shy dorks if they arent receptive to every girl who shows interest in them?

 

I agree that OP only likes him because he looks good. But I dont think hes a loser or weird for not trying to get with her.

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^So when a guy isnt interested in a woman, hes a loser?

 

Since when is it that guys are automatically shy dorks if they arent receptive to every girl who shows interest in them?

 

I agree that OP only likes him because he looks good. But I dont think hes a loser or weird for not trying to get with her.

 

"I asked someone about him, and she said he's painfully shy"

 

This guy is clearly extremely shy.

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"I asked someone about him, and she said he's painfully shy"

 

This guy is clearly extremely shy.

And do we know how well this "someone" knows him. Ive had people misjudge me based on my appearance or something incorrect someone else told them....and then later theyre like "hmm youre a lot different from what *insert name* said about you".

 

Either way, being shy or not being shy doesnt make someone a loser.

Edited by kaylan
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And do we know how well this "someone" knows him. Ive had people misjudge me based on my appearance or something incorrect someone else told them....and then later theyre like "hmm youre a lot different from what *insert name* said about you".

 

So what are you suggesting? that this guy is extremely confident and charming.

 

Of course you can be misjudged it happens, but i don´t think that´s the case here. Since she have been there for 10 months.

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Then maybe hes just not interested. Why does he have to be a loser like you asserted? Are those who arent extremely confident and charming all losers?

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If he can't get the courage to ask you out at that point, I wouldn't put much hope in him being able to carry half the relationship.

 

Exactly. You don't want to be walking around him on eggshells. The odds are his conflict resolution skills are zero

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This guy is not worth your time.... there are plenty of fun and confident men out there, no reason to be obsessing over good looking loser. :laugh:

 

 

For the record, "Shy Guy" is *not* good looking. It was jobaba who first assumed he is. When I first saw him, I thought he looked like a complete dork. After I noticed him staring at me all of the time, I thought he was creepy. Now months later I think he's just shy.

 

I had a boyfriend long ago who was incredibly good looking. Turned out, other than that and a really cool sports car, he had zero personality and cared about nothing but himself. Since then I judge a good looking guy and a guy who doesn't fit that standard the same.

 

I'm simply curious to know if this guy does have a crush on me and if he does, then find out something about him. But for all I know, maybe I look like his dead sister and therefore he can't keep his eyes off of me!

 

Thanks for all the comments folks!

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For the record, "Shy Guy" is *not* good looking. It was jobaba who first assumed he is. When I first saw him, I thought he looked like a complete dork. After I noticed him staring at me all of the time, I thought he was creepy. Now months later I think he's just shy.

 

I had a boyfriend long ago who was incredibly good looking. Turned out, other than that and a really cool sports car, he had zero personality and cared about nothing but himself. Since then I judge a good looking guy and a guy who doesn't fit that standard the same.

 

I'm simply curious to know if this guy does have a crush on me and if he does, then find out something about him. But for all I know, maybe I look like his dead sister and therefore he can't keep his eyes off of me!

 

Thanks for all the comments folks!

 

Maybe you look like an ex of his that totally crushed his heart? Hence, he can't help but stare. Also would explain why he'd be hesitant to make any move, or interest.

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Just ask him to do something with you. Like go out for lunch or something similar. If you in a big group every time your together, he's definitely not going to ask you out in front of everyone. He could be trying to ask you out every time your around and never following though... You're not going to know unless you push him a little.

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I go to a special interest meeting several times a week. There's a speaker and discussion follows. For the past 10 months, there's been a guy staring at me a lot. In the beginning I tried talking to him, but could hardly get a word out of him. He never spoke up at meetings either. I asked someone about him, and she said he's painfully shy. I tried talking with him again a few more times, then gave up. In the past couple of months, he's started speaking up at meetings and will respond to questions I ask but briefly. I think part of the problem is there is no privacy at these meetings, and no way to be discreet having the kind of conversation that would begin a personal relationship. I'm not much of a flirt and want to be myself, and also flirting around the group would be obvious to everyone there. I've tried to encourage him twice recently by going out of my way to be certain that I grab his hand for the closing prayer. He seemed pretty happy about that, but then I had to miss several meetings. Now I'm back and he's acting hesitant.

 

I prefer that he make the first move. I think it's good for a man's ego to ask and get a yes or get a phone number. And in my experience I've found that guys don't really like it when the woman makes the first move.

 

This is driving me absolutely crazy. I just want to find out if we have anything in common instead of dragging things on forever. Should I just give this guy my number somehow and say, let's take a long walk in the park and find out what we have in common?

 

 

Curiosity won.

 

I gave him my number. He stared at it so long, I finally said, "No"? He then said, "Why"? I told him he had been staring at me for months, and he said he hadn't been aware of it.

 

Was I imagining it? Dunno. It doesn't seem imaginary when you haven't been around for awhile, he spots you, his body snaps upright and he stares intently. That's just one example. Has he been staring at me vacuously the rest of the time? Dunno. Should have crossed my eyes or stuck my tongue out a few times to give it a test.

 

The guy was truly sincere in being surprised. He was also concerned that he was hurting my feelings, but as I told him, now I know.

 

I gotta say, though, it completely boggles my mind that someone would spend months staring at me (just me, not a variety of people, I checked!), not realize it, and it means nothing.

 

Anyhow, the drama going on in my head is thankfully resolved, one less thing to obsess about (one of my favorite pastimes -- obsessive thinking).

 

If this ever happens again, I'm going to be in complete Ignore It mode. Well, except I'll leave the potential serial killer radar on. And of course still be my usual self.

 

I'm glad I checked to see if this was a guy who just needed a little more encouragement, but I agree with those who brought it up that if a guy wants something, he'll go after it, and being real shy might mean that person won't pull his weight in a relationship.

 

Plus, I'd probably run circles around a quiet, too shy guy, causing him great dizziness and confusion. :)

 

Thanks for the input and for the listen!

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