Cancelling first dates

[oaks]

When you've arranged a first date (or perhaps 2nd/3rd, but certainly very early dates) and you've agreed date/time/location etc and then you change your mind - not because something else came up and you genuinely want to reschedule, but because you no longer wish to date the person - what's the best way to go about cancelling it?

 

Thinking back to this happening to me, I get plenty of flaky 'something came up' excuses (friend suddenly visiting, relative sick, work is busy etc) from women who make (insincere?) offers of rescheduling but then drop off the face of the planet... and I'm not sure that's a great way of doing it.

 

I'm in the situation myself where I've asked some people for dates, and they've agreed and we've sorted out all the details... but I've decided that I'm just not feeling it with these women (perhaps in part due to a couple of great dates with someone else).

 

I don't think I've ever cancelled a first date before... and I don't want to be one of those people who flakes with lame excuses or ambiguous claims of rescheduling... so this is new territory for me!

[Imajerk17]

In yout case a "Hey I hate to do this but I need to cancel. I went on a few great dates w someone else... I apologize for the in convenience." is fine.

 

For general 'now I just dont feel like going' though, just go. Its manners and I had a bunch of great dates even when I wasnt into showing up. You don't have to see the person anymore after that if you don't want to.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Emilia]

I think you tend to meet these women through OLD, oaks, don't you? I think that might be an important distinction as you don't know each other beforehand, it's your first meeting you want to cancel.

[oaks]

I think you tend to meet these women through OLD, oaks, don't you?

 

Yes, these women I've met (or, haven't met yet!) through OLD.

[oaks]

In yout case a "Hey I hate to do this but I need to cancel. I went on a few great dates w someone else... I apologize for the in convenience." is fine.

 

Thanks. That's pretty much what I was thinking.

[Emilia]

Is it necessary to give a reason to someone you haven't met yet? I don't mean shrugging off plans or be disrespectful, I just think people should realise that you don't owe much to a complete stranger - beyond good manners.

 

Yes, what Imajerk said

[oaks]

Is it necessary to give a reason to someone you haven't met yet? I don't mean shrugging off plans or be disrespectful, I just think people should realise that you don't owe much to a complete stranger - beyond good manners.

 

Necessary? probably not, but as I said I'm new to the situation of having to cancel dates. It does seem important to illustrate or convey the finality of the situation (ie it really is a cancellation, it isn't a postponement) and, as you note, good manners are important - I see no sense in being rude to these women who I've been exchanging friendly emails / text messages / phonecalls with.

[Emilia]

Sorry, meant that as a general question on OLD etiquette, not challenging whether your question was legitimate.

[oaks]

Sorry, meant that as a general question on OLD etiquette, not challenging whether your question was legitimate.

 

Well, it's a good question either way.

[oaks]

Ok. I shall stop procrastinating and send something along the lines of what Imajerk suggested. I suspect neither of these women will be too upset; perhaps I'm projecting, but I think I'm detecting less enthusiasm from them in the last few days anyway.

[Emilia]

Maybe your communication pattern has changed slightly and they picked up on it

[Jane2011]

When you've arranged a first date (or perhaps 2nd/3rd, but certainly very early dates) and you've agreed date/time/location etc and then you change your mind - not because something else came up and you genuinely want to reschedule, but because you no longer wish to date the person - what's the best way to go about cancelling it?

 

Thinking back to this happening to me, I get plenty of flaky 'something came up' excuses (friend suddenly visiting, relative sick, work is busy etc) from women who make (insincere?) offers of rescheduling but then drop off the face of the planet... and I'm not sure that's a great way of doing it.

 

I'm in the situation myself where I've asked some people for dates, and they've agreed and we've sorted out all the details... but I've decided that I'm just not feeling it with these women (perhaps in part due to a couple of great dates with someone else).

 

I don't think I've ever cancelled a first date before... and I don't want to be one of those people who flakes with lame excuses or ambiguous claims of rescheduling... so this is new territory for me!

 

I think this is an interesting topic because I don't think it's come up on this board. Canceling dates while still semi-interested, or people canceling dates while claiming they still do want to meet later....those topics I've seen.

 

But this one is a little different. Anyway, yes, I've cancelled a first date with the intent to convey that I didn't want to ever go on a first date (with him), and here's how I handled it.

 

Earlier this year, (I want to say May), I'd been talking to this guy via email on OkCupid for about a week, and we also had maybe two short phone conversations. I was sorta into it, but not nearly enough. Honestly, he had a certain accent that I didn't like. (Won't say which one, lest I offend anyone. I think we all have accent preferences/dislikes, etc.). Anyway, we had arranged a first date time/place, but in the 24 hours before, I just realized I wasn't going to like him enough to want to date him. And while I could have just gone on the date to say I'd given it a chance, I didn't feel like it that weekend. So, 24 hours in advance, I texted him and said, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to make it tomorrow after all. I can't really talk about it, but I have some things going on that make this not a good time for me to date. Good luck in your search for someone."

 

Basically, I cancelled the date and made it clear I wasn't going to attempt a re-schedule. I didn't want him saying, "Okay, I understand. How about next week?"

 

He texted back, about thirty minutes later, "Very mysterious, but I understand. Good luck to you too."

 

Haven't talked to him since.

 

The good thing about online dating and just talking to people casually for about a week or two is that you don't owe them anything. You can just say "Nah, I don't think so after all." It might confuse them, but you know, if they're THAT invested in you just from some emailing and a couple of phone conversations, that's a bit too much.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Jane2011

[oaks]

I think this is an interesting topic because I don't think it's come up on this board.

 

Yes, I thought it could be an interesting topic even aside from my specific circumstance... and of course it makes a change from all the "can't even get a date" topics.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, too.

[oaks]

Maybe your communication pattern has changed slightly and they picked up on it

 

I suspect my communication pattern changes from the initial phase of genuinely being eager because I want a date to being a bit more relaxed now that we've agreed a date, even for people I do end up dating... and of course there's a change from emails on a dating site to text messages and phone calls once we've swapped numbers, too. But I see what you're saying, and there could be something in that!

 

(Related to that... That's one reason why I prefer to hurry up and meet, rather than having communication drag on for weeks and weeks... it's sometimes hard to keep the momentum going. Whereas the woman I've had a great couple of dates with - I think it was 3 days from me sending the first message to meeting her.)