Older Woman, Pregnant, Crazy, Cheating?

[Untouchable_Fire]

My cousin for the past 2 years has been dating this lady. He is 23 and she is 29 with 2 kids from a previous relationship. He and I are very close... like brothers. Prior to dating her he was full swing into a wild phase with lots of drinking and partying. He is a highly motivated and attractive guy.

 

About 1 year ago after they had been dating for a while, she got a new place with one of her family members. That family member never paid her half of the rent, so she asked my cousin to move in with her. He became very difficult to get in contact with from that point on.

 

His GF is now 4 months pregnant, and they are living separately. Her previous relationship was with an abusive guy mostly emotional some physical. She says she is afraid of my cousin because he yells when they fight and she feels like he is going to hit her.

 

My cousin does have a bad temper. I have personally been in fist fights with him over little stuff. His temper has gotten better as he gets older. He also has a tendency to drink a lot.

 

To exacerbate the issue... he gets upset because she cyber stalks her abusive baby daddy. She has admitted to going on lunch dates with other men. They are currently in couples counseling with her lesbian methodist pastor.

 

He is currently living with his brother and is most often invited back to babysit her kids. He loves her two boys, but says he thinks she deeply resents her children.

 

This is kind of long and rambly. I'm pretty frustrated watching him go through this. His question to me is... "Is this just how relationships are?" I honestly don't know how to answer that... because it seems like this is the norm, but I don't think it's healthy. Is this what we should expect in a relationship today?

[sally4sara]

It just sounds like a mess. She has kids and is inviting a violent drunk into their lives.

He is a violent drunk trying to date someone with a different style than his and its only going to get ugly. Especially when he is turning to you for advise and you only see the woman in question as hurrr prolly screwing her guy friends on the lunch table.

 

If she is looking up stuff about her kid's dad it is probably to get a bead on his employment situation and to get CS contribution. Yup that makes her an awful person!

[threebyfate]

Sounds like the domestic violence abusive cycle. Suggest to your cousin that he find a licensed psychiatric professional (not just any therapist) for individual counseling. Once he's found one that works with his style for a period of time, discuss a referral for relationship counseling since they would both benefit from learning to get along since they share a child.

[weallfalldown]

sounds like yet another over emotional mess of a single mother, that's ****ed her own life up, and expects other men to accept it all......

 

same old same old......

[Untouchable_Fire]

Sounds like the domestic violence abusive cycle. Suggest to your cousin that he find a licensed psychiatric professional (not just any therapist) for individual counseling. Once he's found one that works with his style for a period of time, discuss a referral for relationship counseling since they would both benefit from learning to get along since they share a child.

 

In the 2 year period they have been together my cousin has exited his wild party phase and has been an exceedingly responsible adult.

 

He switched to a higher paying job and received 1 promotion. Typically he just floats along in menial jobs. He has put a huge effort into being able to pay for this family. Additionally he has nearly stopped drinking. I honestly thought we would need to stage an intervention at 25.

 

I suggested a psychiatrist and a counselor already... but he can afford neither while supporting her and the kids. I think he is now making around $54,000... a huge chunk of which goes to daycare costs.

 

I can't really tell if his GF wants to work it out or is just jerking him around. I know this situation is partly his fault.

[threebyfate]

In the 2 year period they have been together my cousin has exited his wild party phase and has been an exceedingly responsible adult.

 

He switched to a higher paying job and received 1 promotion. Typically he just floats along in menial jobs. He has put a huge effort into being able to pay for this family. Additionally he has nearly stopped drinking. I honestly thought we would need to stage an intervention at 25.

 

I suggested a psychiatrist and a counselor already... but he can afford neither while supporting her and the kids. I think he is now making around $54,000... a huge chunk of which goes to daycare costs.

 

I can't really tell if his GF wants to work it out or is just jerking him around. I know this situation is partly his fault.

Your cousin might want to look into his benefits package from work. Quite often it will include a limited number of visits to psychiatric professionals per annum.

[karnak]

 

same old same old......

 

Yep, really old.

[carhill]

"Is this just how relationships are?"

 

Some, yes.

 

He has choices.

 

If I were his father (I'm definitely old enough), I'd advise him to get a DNA test upon birth and, if he is the father, to make support and custody arrangements and otherwise discontinue association. That's the advice I never heard from my father about how some women are. Lesson learned.

 

He's young and has made his own mistakes. He can choose next steps. If his own father is any kind of a healthy role model, that's where I'd start, having a man to man, then look at other options. Best wishes and my sympathies.

[KungFuJoe]

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

 

I fail to see the problem here.

[amaysngrace]

He doesn't make enough money to support a family of five. If they can't afford counseling then who is paying her prenatal expenses?

[todreaminblue]

My cousin for the past 2 years has been dating this lady. He is 23 and she is 29 with 2 kids from a previous relationship. He and I are very close... like brothers. Prior to dating her he was full swing into a wild phase with lots of drinking and partying. He is a highly motivated and attractive guy.

 

About 1 year ago after they had been dating for a while, she got a new place with one of her family members. That family member never paid her half of the rent, so she asked my cousin to move in with her. He became very difficult to get in contact with from that point on.

 

His GF is now 4 months pregnant, and they are living separately. Her previous relationship was with an abusive guy mostly emotional some physical. She says she is afraid of my cousin because he yells when they fight and she feels like he is going to hit her.

 

My cousin does have a bad temper. I have personally been in fist fights with him over little stuff. His temper has gotten better as he gets older. He also has a tendency to drink a lot.

 

To exacerbate the issue... he gets upset because she cyber stalks her abusive baby daddy. She has admitted to going on lunch dates with other men. They are currently in couples counseling with her lesbian methodist pastor.

 

He is currently living with his brother and is most often invited back to babysit her kids. He loves her two boys, but says he thinks she deeply resents her children.

 

This is kind of long and rambly. I'm pretty frustrated watching him go through this. His question to me is... "Is this just how relationships are?" I honestly don't know how to answer that... because it seems like this is the norm, but I don't think it's healthy. Is this what we should expect in a relationship today?

 

 

complicated situation......i dont know how a really good relationship is today in society other than through people who have a church background and are invested in keeping it together.....Family breakdowns and splits have caused a breakdown in relationships in society .People dont try as hard anymore to stay together.....i want a time portal....it is really easy to walk away today from responsibility so easy to cheat if you are that way inclined and there are serious issues in your cousins relationship if there is a lack of honesty it is set to fail lack of trust and understanding....honestly your cousin is the only one who can work this out....they need therapy..........Lesbian methodist pastor that pastor also should have therapy its a bit strange...interesting concept though......i suggest they seek counselling elsewhere.....deb

Edited September 10, 2012 by todreaminblue

[irin]

23 is grown up enough to make his own decisions and he made the choice of getting into a relationship, with this woman, her age is really irrelevant, she could be 40 or 21 in the same situation.

 

although she equally at fault for this mess. but not many people can handle tempers, especially those who have witnessed/experienced violence. dont forget shes pregnant needs to live in peace and needs good care.

[weallfalldown]

this woman has no sense to have got pregnant in the first place.....same old messed up idiots messing with another human life......it's sick

[irin]

this woman has no sense to have got pregnant in the first place.....same old messed up idiots messing with another human life......it's sick

 

though i agree with the last part of your comment, it wasnt just this "woman" who got pregnant.

 

IT TAKES TWO.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Your cousin might want to look into his benefits package from work. Quite often it will include a limited number of visits to psychiatric professionals per annum.

 

That is actually a great point. I will bring that up with him. He has a solid health insurance plan.

 

Some, yes.

He has choices.

If I were his father (I'm definitely old enough), I'd advise him to get a DNA test upon birth and, if he is the father, to make support and custody arrangements and otherwise discontinue association. That's the advice I never heard from my father about how some women are. Lesson learned.

He's young and has made his own mistakes. He can choose next steps. If his own father is any kind of a healthy role model, that's where I'd start, having a man to man, then look at other options. Best wishes and my sympathies.

 

His father is kind of an empty space. Nice guy, fantastic mechanic... but is emotionally blank and copes with huge amounts of marijuana.

 

My cousin is 99% sure that the baby is his. I'm 95% sure. His GF is very well meaning. I think she is a bit of a basket case and an emotional disaster, but otherwise nice lady.

 

What worries me isn't that he will refuse to be a decent father. He will pay support, he will be in the child's life. He really loves the two boys that are not his. He wants to stay in their lives.

 

He doesn't make enough money to support a family of five. If they can't afford counseling then who is paying her prenatal expenses?

 

$50,000... ? He is paying for the prenatal stuff... and she works too. I think she makes $35,000 or so.

 

I believe most families survive fine on less. The families I know with more are just as screwed up and unhappy.

 

23 is grown up enough to make his own decisions and he made the choice of getting into a relationship, with this woman, her age is really irrelevant, she could be 40 or 21 in the same situation.

although she equally at fault for this mess. but not many people can handle tempers, especially those who have witnessed/experienced violence. dont forget shes pregnant needs to live in peace and needs good care.

 

I expect a lot more maturity from a 29 year old woman than I do of a 23 year old guy. Hell most 23 year old guys are still waking up every day in a pool of vomit with a massive hangover.

 

He is just going to have to grow up faster.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It just sounds like a mess. She has kids and is inviting a violent drunk into their lives.

He is a violent drunk trying to date someone with a different style than his and its only going to get ugly. Especially when he is turning to you for advise and you only see the woman in question as hurrr prolly screwing her guy friends on the lunch table.

If she is looking up stuff about her kid's dad it is probably to get a bead on his employment situation and to get CS contribution. Yup that makes her an awful person!

 

Thanks for the sarcastic Jerk response.

 

A violent drunk? I really can't speak to that. I only hear one side of the story... and of course I can rely on what I observe.

 

She does claim to cyber stalk her baby daddy in the hopes of getting child support. She has actively cut him out of his boys lives. I really can't say for sure if that is good or bad. I met the guy one time and he came across as a super jerk... but that might have just been the circumstances.

 

I think she is a good mom... but a complete moron when it comes to romance.

 

I don't think she should have ever dated my cousin seriously. He is WAY too young for something that serious. I don't just mean that age/wise... he was very immature when they started dating. It has facilitated a large amount of personal growth from him. However, he should have never allowed himself to get trapped like this.

 

It's a mess... but on the positive side he is really stoked to be a father.

[threebyfate]

That is actually a great point. I will bring that up with him. He has a solid health insurance plan.

Can't help but be honest. I'd tell him to ditch and run fast, if not for their child. carhill's advice for a paternity test is a solid one.

 

But..I still think he needs to see an IC. The abusive dynamic is rarely one-sided and if he has anger issues, he needs to address them. Also, if he's got a strong affection for alcohol, something else to address before it gets worse.

[William]

AA (Alcoholic's Anonymous) could help him out.

[kaylan]

1. The guy has issues with anger and drinking. He needs to get that under control. Fighting family members? Thats a bit much. And Ive never been one to get too angry when I drink...but when I have have it was at random douchebags at the bar....I wouldnt fight family. Smells like a recipe for a dysfuntional and possibly abusive family if he stays with that woman.

 

Its possible it wont be abusive, because plenty of guys will be hostile with other men and never lay a hand on a lady.

 

2. I do feel for the kid. Hes young and should have known better than to date some lady with kids. Shes older for one, so you know shes gonna wanna settle down. And also shes already got two rugrats from another man, so you know shed have a kid if you guys messed up and got pregnant.

 

Thats partly why I dont date single moms or older women seriously. Im not ready for kids, and I dont wanna have them by mistake. Seems to me that this guy just got trapped in the wrong situation and is gonna have his youth sucked away from him. I see where this is going...hes going to have the child and resent her for it...just watch....especially with all the drama they have....because now hes tied to her for life.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Can't help but be honest. I'd tell him to ditch and run fast, if not for their child. carhill's advice for a paternity test is a solid one.

But..I still think he needs to see an IC. The abusive dynamic is rarely one-sided and if he has anger issues, he needs to address them. Also, if he's got a strong affection for alcohol, something else to address before it gets worse.

 

Yes, I'm really worried about the abusive stuff. She learned from the last relationship to get up in a guys face, scream, hit, and slap.

 

I think everything she knows is toxic... her parents fight like that too. I'm afraid she is going to teach him to do this too.

 

1. The guy has issues with anger and drinking. He needs to get that under control. Fighting family members? Thats a bit much. And Ive never been one to get too angry when I drink...but when I have have it was at random douchebags at the bar....I wouldnt fight family. Smells like a recipe for a dysfuntional and possibly abusive family if he stays with that woman.

 

Don't read too much into the fighting. We both wrestled and did mixed martial arts for years. So, it's all in good fun. When he was 18,19 I used to mop the floor with him... but I'm really slowing down with age.

 

Thats partly why I dont date single moms or older women seriously. Im not ready for kids, and I dont wanna have them by mistake. Seems to me that this guy just got trapped in the wrong situation and is gonna have his youth sucked away from him. I see where this is going...hes going to have the child and resent her for it...just watch....especially with all the drama they have....because now hes tied to her for life.

 

He already resents her... but mostly for wrecking the relationship. I fear this prediction will come true for sure.