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BF moving across the country....


veggirl

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I know I don't normally post about my relationship here, and it's because I am lucky enough to not have issues to post about, but now I have a big one and I am hurting so bad and I need advice or just thoughts.

 

So, background info, I am 29, bf is 27, we met and began dating last July. We don't live together, we see each other 2-3x per week depending on schedules. We get along better than I ever have with a bf, most healthy relationship either of us has been in, we just "click". We don't fight, on the rare occasions we have, it is worked out smoothly in like hours, we don't yell and scream or call names or any of that stuff. We have a really really good relationship.

 

We live in AZ, couple weeks ago he was asked by his company to interview for a job in Philadelphia. I had a gut feeling and I told him "oh no you're going to get it and move and I'm losing you" and he told me there was no way he'd get it blah blah. I just had a feeling though.

 

Well, he was just offered the job. It's a huge promotion, TONS more money, it's a great career move and he is very career-oriented (I am not). He would be stupid to turn it down and I would never ask him to. He is accepting the job on Monday and has to report to Phil by Oct 15.

 

I just don't know what to do. I am so sad. He called me last night and told me and we talked for an hour but I barely remember the conversation. I went over to his house and we talked more, for a couple hours, but it was really late and I work today and he had an early meeting. I was like in shock.

 

He was asking me what I think, where am I at with us. I didn't know what to say. He told me the only thing that he hesitated on w/ the job is me. He has some family here and friends but no one he is super close with or anything other than me. I have my parents, sisters, nieces, and best friend from childhood here, all of whom I'm EXTREMELY close to.

 

He basically was saying "I don't know". He said if I go too there would be expectations (I assume of marriage? like I said, we still have a lot to talk about and will do so tonight. Last nights convo was all over the place and not really productive at all) and he would be uprooting me and if it didn't work out or whatever then he has effectively screwed up both our lives. He said he doesn't know if we are ready for a cross country move together.

 

I am so confused. I told him I feel like it is all or nothing, what's the middle ground? He was saying like what if he got there and 2 mos later hated it and comes back, or 2 mos later realizes how could he have not moved me immediately with him and then I go. And he didn't say this part, but the obvious 3rd would be what if he goes and 2 mos later realizes he is fine w/o me :(:(:(:(

 

I just love where we are at right now. Everything is so great and so perfect. We have moved slowly. At our ages, after a yr I'd say most people should be ready to s.hit or get off the pot (move and do this thing or break up) but like I said we have moved slowly-and it's because of me. The first time I met him, my heart like dropped. I just had a feeling. I made us take it slow because I was scared.

 

I guess I am just so confused. I love him, he loves me there is not a question about that. But he is right are we ready? What are the implications of me going too? I get what he is saying about uprooting me kinda, but then I also feel like well I could always come back if I had to. I rent my aunt's townhouse and I work at an apt community--I can get a job doing that anywhere, I could get a job doing that in Phil and I could get another job doing it back here in AZ if I had to. I would also have a house to come back to.

 

To me his I don't know what to do read as "I don't want you to come" and I told him that and he said it is not that and he is just confused because it is a huge step. It's also one that we did not anticipate on having to make or not make at this point. Why couldn't this happen a year from now instead? :(

 

He wants to know my feelings and where I am at in the relationship. He is coming over tonight to talk. I am really, really scared. I feel like if we aren't doing this, we need to break up. Am I jumping the gun?!! He said we don't have to decide what we are doing right now, but I feel like we do...

 

So I am really scared of losing him. I think I would move for him. I always say I would not move with a guy (or move in) unless we are engaged. I am being a hypocrite...

 

I have to tell him my feelings on this but I am so scared, I am scared of being like I love you and will go wherever you go and having him tell me he does not think I should come. I mean if he says that, we will break up. I will feel stupid telling him all that if he comes back with "I don't know". It's scary :(

 

I don't know what to do. I am so bad at talking about my feelings too. I clam up so bad and if I feel like I'm at all not getting the response I want, I shut down. I will have to refrain from doing that tonight. I have a bad feeling. I know he loves me but like he said, he doesn't know what we should do. I read that as he doesn't want me to go. It is a huge thing, if I were to go. But "I don't know what we should do" means he does not want me to right? So why do I have to share my feelings on it? I feel like just saying "okay well I guess that's a wrap then" That's awful :(

 

We don't want to do an LDR.

 

I don't know what my question is. I am just hurting and I'm scared. I have to go to work and can't be crying and s.hit there. I couldn't sleep last night, I got about 2.5 hrs. I am so tired and I feel like I could just puke.

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Also one thing he said that really struck me was if we are ready and this is the right move would we question it? Would we just KNOW?

 

What do you guys think? I don't know the answer to that one and he doesn't either

 

I mean going from seeing each other 3x a week to moving across the country together. Should he just KNOW? Should I?

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Mme. Chaucer

I'm sorry. This is very tough.

 

I do question the fact that you two have so many questions. I understand why you took this relationship slowly, and it seems that was a good choice for you. But it does not seem to have brought the relationship to the place where it's time to move across the country so you can be together.

 

This is not really advice; more like a suggestion. I know it will be hard and painful, but maybe letting him go and get situated, each of you feeling what it's like to be apart. Then revisit it.

 

Again, I'm sorry for the upheaval of a relationship that has been so positive for you.

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Ninjainpajamas

Well...I'm the cynic to some people on these forums but what am I supposed to say when a guy says he's "confused" and he doesn't even outright express his interest and desire for her to move with him as If he's backing away from that as not being totally invested yet?

 

It's clear to me that he's not ready...he's got that unsettled, bottled up posture where he doesn't really want to say anything to hurt your feelings so instead he tries to get a gauge for where your emotions are first by asking how you feel so he can determine what he can and cannot say...If you aren't ready or don't think it's a good idea then I think he'll express relief and open up more...If she says she thinks she should come with him and essentially invite herself along then I think he'd feel uncomfortable and like he's being forced.

 

What would he have said If he was dedicated at this point?

 

"i really want you to come with me, I don't want to lose this relationship it's what i really want...but I don't want you to have to sacrifice your whole lively hood for it. But I don't want to force you into anything...is there any way you'd consider coming with me, maybe after a few months where I settle in or we can just move together and take the risk?...how do you feel about this?"

 

I would like to see him making a forthcoming, open and expressive gesture of him really wanting you to come along without YOU having to provoke that and make him feel guilty for not doing so, because he'll say it if he has to but he won't be settled and comfortable with it internally, then he'll just internalize it and possibly resent you for the pressure he's feeling, maybe even distancing himself.

 

At this point you're going to have to communicate...ask him how he feels before you lay your cards on the table, really see what he wants and where he's at in the relationship...otherwise IF I were you I would definitely not move for him, I wouldn't be the one IF I were you pushing that because YOU dont want to lose the relationship, he has to feel the same way, this has to be a mutual investment.

 

Listen to what he has to say and ask questions, try not to be overly emotional and teary, that just makes guys clean up their words and say things they may not really mean. Just be calm cool and collected, listen to him and what he says, understand him and ask relevant questions. Then express how you feel and communicate with him, because now you don't hve to worry about wht he would have said if you hadn't mentioned your own feelings first. Be honest and open, tell him how much this relationship means to you and that you're truly heartbroken with him moving and need some kind of security or commitments if this is going to progress and work, don't to continue this without a plan or agreement that settle well for the both of you, and ask him follow up questions if he bottles up, make him open up and be honest and sincere with you by just asking, then waiting.

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I have to agree with Ninja and Mme., OP.

 

Sounds like your boyfriend's made his new job his priority, and placed you in the "option" category because if he really wanted/needed you, he would have been more forthcoming and direct with you during your three hour conversation. He would have directly asked you to move to be with him because he saw a future with you two together, as in long-term commitment.

 

He hemmed and hawed because, breaking up is hard to do, as the Neil Sedaka song goes. You could suggest a LDR attempt as a compromise, to give your boyfriend time to adjust to his new job and new city, and who knows, you may feel ready to leave behind your childhood friend and family if you and your boyfriend agree that your moving across country is the next step in your relationship. But sounds to me like he's trying to break if off with you now, to spare you both the pain and agony that sometimes goes with a LDR.

 

I'm sorry this situation has happened to you, esp. when you wrote that things couldn't be more perfect for your relationship. But better now than if you two had been together for say, five years instead of just one.

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Thanks guys.

 

I feel stupid :(

 

Ninja, you are right I don't want to be the one who essentially invites myself along.

 

Like I said, our convo was all over the place last night and I think things will clear up tonight. I won't cry to be crazy emotional, I am not like that, and I don't want those kinds of emotions to cloud the situation, I do want to have a clear and level headed talk about where we are at.

 

I know what you guys are saying about he should have just said to me to come with him. He told me he does not want to lose our relationship. I guess it's the pressure that he thinks will come along with it, I'm not sure, I will ask though. Esp cause I have told him before (a few times) that I wouldn't live w/ him if we weren't engaged. This throws a wrench in that. I was always VERY clear on that.

 

I am very closed off about talking about my feelings, like really strangely so for a girl I think (sorry, stereotyping), he knows I wouldn't openly just share my feelings on it w/o feeling him out first.

 

Mme Chaucer, your suggestion is something to think about. Thank you for that.

 

I am not trying to justify or defend his words...it hurt my feelings that he didn't immediately ask me to go with. I told him that. He told me it is not a decision that is just up to him, we both have to come to it which is why he wanted me to tell him how I felt. He told me to collect my thoughts and we will hash it out tonight.

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Thanks writergal.

 

This thread is depressing.

 

Its a huge change. I guess I tried to see both sides. Going from 3x a week seeing one another to starting a whole new life together, is it something you should just take lightly and just DO w/o having really thinking it through--really thinking is this girl who I will marry, who I will have kids with?

 

The consensus seems to be yes.

 

It's a life change. It's committing to a life together and we didnt know we already had to committ to that.

 

Yes it hurt my feelings that he didn't outright say COME PLEASE but it hurts my feelings that everyone thinks it means he is not committed to me as well. He just found out about this. He hasn't even digested it

 

am I cutting him too many breaks now and being defensive?

 

I'm sorry.

 

I'm just trying to be logical.

 

Logically, me moving across the country in his mind = marriage and this is who I will be w/ for life.

 

That is a big decision.

 

Is it terrible that he wants to hash it out in his mind?

 

Truly for him, him asking me to move there, is a lifelong committment from him to me. He told me that. I can get that...

 

I'm sad that everyone thinks it means he is not committed to me. I know he loves me and like I said, to him if we do this, he is committing to me life-long.

 

Maybe he is being dramatic about that. I don't know. I need to collect my thoughts in a way I can discuss this tonight w/o forgetting questions/concerns.

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Ninjainpajamas
Thanks guys.

 

I feel stupid :(

 

Ninja, you are right I don't want to be the one who essentially invites myself along.

 

Like I said, our convo was all over the place last night and I think things will clear up tonight. I won't cry to be crazy emotional, I am not like that, and I don't want those kinds of emotions to cloud the situation, I do want to have a clear and level headed talk about where we are at.

 

I know what you guys are saying about he should have just said to me to come with him. He told me he does not want to lose our relationship. I guess it's the pressure that he thinks will come along with it, I'm not sure, I will ask though. Esp cause I have told him before (a few times) that I wouldn't live w/ him if we weren't engaged. This throws a wrench in that. I was always VERY clear on that.

 

I am very closed off about talking about my feelings, like really strangely so for a girl I think (sorry, stereotyping), he knows I wouldn't openly just share my feelings on it w/o feeling him out first.

 

Mme Chaucer, your suggestion is something to think about. Thank you for that.

 

I am not trying to justify or defend his words...it hurt my feelings that he didn't immediately ask me to go with. I told him that. He told me it is not a decision that is just up to him, we both have to come to it which is why he wanted me to tell him how I felt. He told me to collect my thoughts and we will hash it out tonight.

 

You're not stupid veggirl, he's just making you feel unsure about everything because he's not being more direct about this and clear cut with what he wants.

 

You really need to try and step out of your box here though and really communicate with him about everything, you really need to ask the questions you need answers to and you need to be forward and direct about it..don't beat around the bush no matter how insecure or vulnerable it makes you feel, don't let it become the skeleton in your closet that you never want to face...make sure you put it all on the table, the fact that you know will not be a bad thing whether it's good or bad news, it let's you face the reality and move on in either direction.

 

i would suggest writing down your thoughts and feelings before you see him so you can use a little cheat sheet to make sure you think of things you want to say and express that you might forget in the heat of the moment...you need to be able to look into his eyes and get a feeling for his answers and emotions, and watch his body language and how he reacts.

 

You did put a pretty hefty price tag into moving together by being engged, ask him about that and if its an influencing factor.

 

Ask him where he is on an emotional level with you, ask him about what he sees about the potential of a future together.

 

Ask him where he is now and what is most important to him in his life at this time and what his goals and aspirations are.

 

Give him some time to think about these things, don't make him rush his answers and let him explain himself by asking up follow up questions if he doesn't give you the whole pie.

 

I just feel like you've got to get these answers for peace of mind and heart, you need to know where this relationship stands and what the investment level is...It's a big step in his life, for all we know he could be there and hate it and come back, but he can also end up being there for a while or permanently.

 

Don't let yourself be in the dark by letting your feel to express yourself and be vulnerable leave you without the answers you need to sleep at night.

 

You're going to be alright

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And to add to your post, veggirl, there's also no guarantees in life.

 

Sure, you could get him to commit to you before he leaves in October, citing that an engagement is the only way you'll move cross country.

 

But it's possible you two could break-up after you get there. Or it will work out.

 

Sure, you could take a chance and tell your boyfriend, "okay. We don't need to be engaged. I love you enough to take a chance at starting a new life on the East Coast with you, I'll move cross country after Christmas (for example) into "our" apartment (don't let him convince you to get your own place, b/c that right there would be a red flag that he doesn't want to commit and you'd be screwed).

 

But it's possible you two could break-up after you get there. Or it will work out.

 

You can't control the outcome of this relationship (or any outcome for that matter, of any situation).

 

You just need to trust your instincts, and do what you think is the best thing for you, right now, in this moment, and have no regrets, whatever the outcome is.

 

That your boyfriend wants to "hash it out in his mind" well, I see that as a stalling technique to drag out what may ultimately happen: a break-up.

 

Don't let him stall any longer. He either wants you to move across country with him because he wants to be with you long-term (and you may need to conceed your need to be engaged for this to happen), or he doesn't and the break-up is the best option for you both.

 

Either or. You deserve an answer. No more stalling.

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You're not stupid veggirl, he's just making you feel unsure about everything because he's not being more direct about this and clear cut with what he wants.

 

You really need to try and step out of your box here though and really communicate with him about everything, you really need to ask the questions you need answers to and you need to be forward and direct about it..don't beat around the bush no matter how insecure or vulnerable it makes you feel, don't let it become the skeleton in your closet that you never want to face...make sure you put it all on the table, the fact that you know will not be a bad thing whether it's good or bad news, it let's you face the reality and move on in either direction.

 

i would suggest writing down your thoughts and feelings before you see him so you can use a little cheat sheet to make sure you think of things you want to say and express that you might forget in the heat of the moment...you need to be able to look into his eyes and get a feeling for his answers and emotions, and watch his body language and how he reacts.

 

You did put a pretty hefty price tag into moving together by being engged, ask him about that and if its an influencing factor.

 

Ask him where he is on an emotional level with you, ask him about what he sees about the potential of a future together.

 

Ask him where he is now and what is most important to him in his life at this time and what his goals and aspirations are.

 

Give him some time to think about these things, don't make him rush his answers and let him explain himself by asking up follow up questions if he doesn't give you the whole pie.

 

I just feel like you've got to get these answers for peace of mind and heart, you need to know where this relationship stands and what the investment level is...It's a big step in his life, for all we know he could be there and hate it and come back, but he can also end up being there for a while or permanently.

 

Don't let yourself be in the dark by letting your feel to express yourself and be vulnerable leave you without the answers you need to sleep at night.

 

You're going to be alright

 

Ninja's right. Your boyfriend's not being direct with you because he doesn't want to hurt you. But you need to ask him the hard questions that you deserve answers to. It's a matter of respect and you need these answers for your peace of mind, so that you can either move on from the relationship and heal, or take a chance and move cross country and see what happens despite no guarantees for a life-long commitment from your boyfriend.

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Mme. Chaucer
Thanks writergal.

 

This thread is depressing.

 

Its a huge change. I guess I tried to see both sides. Going from 3x a week seeing one another to starting a whole new life together, is it something you should just take lightly and just DO w/o having really thinking it through--really thinking is this girl who I will marry, who I will have kids with?

 

The consensus seems to be yes.

 

First, don't feel stupid. You're not, and you aren't acting like you are, either.

 

Regarding the quoted - I don't think the consensus is "yes."

 

I do think that the fact that you have a boundary about being engaged before moving in together puts a great deal of extra weight on this situation.

 

And, going from seeing each other 2 - 3 times a week to sharing most of your free time together is something that normally evolves during the development of a relationship - not because suddenly one person moves and the other goes along.

 

To me, it sounds like your relationship is just not at that stage now.

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Well, before you assume the worst about this guy and his feelings:

 

Going from seeing each other 3x/week to moving across country together not knowing anyone but each other is a huge step. When most couples make the decision to live together, they are already spending 4+ nights a week at each other's place (lives significantly more intertwined).

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Well, before you assume the worst about this guy and his feelings:

 

Going from seeing each other 3x/week to moving across country together not knowing anyone but each other is a huge step. When most couples make the decision to live together (and you moving East with him is a commitment on that level even if you don't actually end up living together in the same apartment), they are already spending 4+ nights a week at each other's place (lives more intertwined).

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Mme. Chaucer

^^^^

 

That's what I am trying to say myself. Though you love him and you love the way your relationship is, it does not seem to be at that stage.

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Thank you guys so much.

 

I agree I need to ask the hard questions. I was just so shocked last night--it was 10pm and I am rambling on the phone for like 30 min about friggin softball and then booom.

 

I will ask all of the questions I need answers to. Last night I was just so flustered by this huge new development that I didn't know WHAT to say or ask. I am going to make a list today at work, you guys have given me some good concrete things to think about and ask him about. I am going to write things out today.

 

I will keep you guys posted. I am actually feeling more calm now, more rational. I don't like feeling all emotional and I don't think any constructive conversation would come from that. Last night I felt too emotional, too confused, I wasn't in a clear place at all. Tonight I will be and we will see what happens. I understand I need a concrete answer--do you want me to go or do you not?

 

yes I def think my rule about engagement before living together is a big factor in this. I will talk about that with him for sure.

 

He knows I LOVE Arizona and am so close to my fam/friends, I think he feels like a big responsibility to making me happy out there if we do that.

 

Well I don't want to get into a guessing game now of what he is thinking, so ignore that I said that. Me assuming what he is thinking is not going to help me, I don't think!

 

Thanks for helping me feel more clear you guys. I would be a headcase right now otherwise!

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I agree I need to ask the hard questions. I was just so shocked last night--it was 10pm and I am rambling on the phone for like 30 min about friggin softball and then booom.

Well that was pretty insensitive of him.

 

He probably didn't know how to bring him up, but there were better times and ways.

 

He knows I LOVE Arizona and am so close to my fam/friends, I think he feels like a big responsibility to making me happy out there if we do that.

What do you want to do?

 

If he asked you to go with him, would you be able to say yes with no regrets? You would be going into a completely new location and your only connection would be him.

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Ugh... this really sucks because this is what happened with my ex and I. He applied for school out of state... not even cross country but a 5 hour drive away... and I was feeling exactly the way you are. He didn't think he'd get in, but I knew he would... and he did. It was a great opportunity for him and it was stupid for him to choose a closer college. This was a great one for him, so he left.

 

For a year and a half we did the LDR thing. And it was HORRIBLE. We went from seeing each other every single day pretty much, to seeing each other once every three weeks... and this was when he was only 5 hours away! I can only imagine how long you guys would have to go between visits when you're in AZ and he's in Philly.

 

I don't think you should jump the gun on a decision to split at this moment, but I DON'T think you should uproot your life to follow him around while he advances his own life, and his career.

 

It's great that you feel you'd do that for him... but what about you? I know you say you're not career oriented... but you should be. You should be advancing your own career, your own goals, cultivating your own life which is separate from him... not just following where he goes. I could see if you guys were engaged... or married... but you're not. And only dating a little over a year, I'm not sure jumping to chase after him and to enter a living situation so quickly is the best option.

 

I think the conversation to have is, "Can you see a full commitment with me?" Because I think you would be sacrificing too much of yourself to go with him. You'd be uprooting your job, your friends, your family... all of whom you're extremely close to, just to be with him... What if you guys start living together and then it's like... "I don't see this working out anymore..." Then you've left your life and job... and would need to sort out trying to come back home, looking for a new job, etc.

 

The situation is really crappy. No doubt about it... but I think a decision will have to be made after a lot of thinking and a lot of conversations. I don't think a rational decision will be made by tonight. Perhaps you two could do the LDR thing for a couple to a few months, and see where you're both at down the line... give him a chance to get acclimated at the new job, let him get settled, and see how he likes it and what his feelings are.

 

I'd stay put for right now.

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IMO, since 'last July' is July 2011, and you've been dating over a year at the rate shared in the OP, a mature man would/should be clear about his intentions. He's certainly clear about his career intentions so he has the capacity. His ambiguity about personal intentions is a canary, IMO.

 

I personally never see distance as a barrier which can't be bridged. Humans are intensely creative in their abilities to adapt to and overcome obstacles. This man sounds like a successful man well-versed in the dynamic and confident about his role. That he doesn't immediately bring clarity and leadership to the personal front impels me to opine that his perspective may be different on matters personal or upon the relationship itself.

 

He wants to know my feelings and where I am at in the relationship

 

IMO, the healthy progression, since it is him who is altering the relationship with his job move, is for *him* to share his clear feelings, options he's considered, and his perspective on your relationship first and then ask you how you feel and go from there. That's leadership and ownership.

 

Hope it works out.

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^That's exactly right, Carhill. The OP's boyfriend has put himself and HIS needs first, not really considering what the OP's feelings are. Look at how he brought up his move to Philadelphia for example. He could have chosen a more appropriate, face-to-face conversation for such big news. But what did he do? Dropped the bomb on the OP during a conversation about softball. Not a sensitive move on his part.

 

I think OP, you need to put yourself first here, as your boyfriend's clearly put himself first.

 

Ask yourself: what do you want? What are you willing to accept/not accept as far as the conditions to continue this relationship? Don't compromise yourself too much as your boyfriend clearly hasn't suggested any compromises from his part, which is a red flag.

 

Just remember: never make anyone a priority who only makes you an option. Don't be an option for your boyfriend. If he doesn't make you a priority second to his new job/relocation, then he's not the right guy for you.

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IMO, the healthy progression, since it is him who is altering the relationship with his job move, is for *him* to share his clear feelings, options he's considered, and his perspective on your relationship first and then ask you how you feel and go from there. That's leadership and ownership.

 

 

That's a really good point. I don't think he has truly given thought to the options. He will be today though, while I am at work and before we get together tonight, as we both said we will.

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I don't think you should jump the gun on a decision to split at this moment, but I DON'T think you should uproot your life to follow him around while he advances his own life, and his career.

 

It's great that you feel you'd do that for him... but what about you? I know you say you're not career oriented... but you should be. You should be advancing your own career, your own goals, cultivating your own life which is separate from him... not just following where he goes. I could see if you guys were engaged... or married... but you're not. And only dating a little over a year, I'm not sure jumping to chase after him and to enter a living situation so quickly is the best option.

 

I think the conversation to have is, "Can you see a full commitment with me?" Because I think you would be sacrificing too much of yourself to go with him. You'd be uprooting your job, your friends, your family... all of whom you're extremely close to, just to be with him... What if you guys start living together and then it's like... "I don't see this working out anymore..." Then you've left your life and job... and would need to sort out trying to come back home, looking for a new job, etc.

 

 

Thanks Kat.

 

I will never be a career oriented pereson. I'm just not driven by that. I enjoy my job and I am happy doing this. I am happy to have a job that I enjoy, work a set 40 hours (no OT) and can live off of.

 

I wouldn't just chase after him or do what he wants. But the fact is, my job is very mobile, his is not. IF we are serious about a future together, I would have to be the person to uproot myself for him. The question is, are we both serious about a future together, we do have to truly examine that right now. I mean if you asked me yesterday afternoon i would say "yes of course we are serious!" but that was before ideas of moving across the country entered the equation.

 

"Can you see a full committment with me" is a really good question to ask.

 

^That's exactly right, Carhill. The OP's boyfriend has put himself and HIS needs first, not really considering what the OP's feelings are. Look at how he brought up his move to Philadelphia for example. He could have chosen a more appropriate, face-to-face conversation for such big news. But what did he do? Dropped the bomb on the OP during a conversation about softball. Not a sensitive move on his part.

 

He hasn't not considered my feelings. He told me what held him back from accepting the job as soon was it was offered was me and my feelings. I think he is considering my feelings, he wants to know what I think and everything, but at the end of the day, he would be foolish not to accept this job. I know he brought it up tactlessly. But I don't think it was malicious.

 

Ask yourself: what do you want? What are you willing to accept/not accept as far as the conditions to continue this relationship? Don't compromise yourself too much as your boyfriend clearly hasn't suggested any compromises from his part, which is a red flag.

 

I am thinking about these things, definitely. I will protect myself, without a doubt. When I asked him what the middle ground is (a compromise I suppose), he brought up him going first and us seeing how long distance is and all that.

 

Well that was pretty insensitive of him.

 

He probably didn't know how to bring him up, but there were better times and ways.

 

Yeah, I was babbling on and on and then asked how his day was and he said "It was intense, we really have something to talk about" and that's how it came up.

 

 

What do you want to do?

 

If he asked you to go with him, would you be able to say yes with no regrets? You would be going into a completely new location and your only connection would be him.

 

What do I want to do... I want to clarify where we stand with one another, where we see our relationship in the future...one of the things he said was that he sometimes doesn't know where *I* stand on our R because I don't talk about those things. After we get all of that out in the open, I think both of our decisions will be clear.

 

I am so damn closed off. Last night he asked me about marriage and children and I clammed up and was just quiet. I am such a freak.

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I would ask you to consider these two statements and reflect upon their synergy:

 

'We live in AZ, couple weeks ago he was asked by his company to interview for a job in Philadelphia. I had a gut feeling and I told him "oh no you're going to get it and move and I'm losing you" and he told me there was no way he'd get it blah blah. I just had a feeling though.

 

Well, he was just offered the job. It's a huge promotion, TONS more money, it's a great career move and he is very career-oriented (I am not).'

 

------------------------------

 

' I don't think he has truly given thought to the options.'

 

IMO, the options have been on his mind for a long time. Your opinion that he is very career oriented comes from personal experience with him and his historical actions and words. Your role in that mix (his life) has existed now for over a year. There's been plenty of mixing going on in there, where the relationship interacts with his career-oriented lifestyle.

 

I'm not offering these observations to criticize him, rather to clarify the process of resolving the issue.

 

I'll offer an option. 'Honey, I'd love for you to join me in Philly with my new job. I understand if you'd like to continue to live independently and I'd be happy to help you establish that and network to find you employment. How do you feel about that?'

 

Pretty simple, eh? You wouldn't need to say a word prior. It would have been on my mind for a long time, even if unspoken prior to the actual fruition of the promotion. IMO, that's part of the natural process of loving someone and bringing their needs and sensibilities on par with my own. Is it perfect? No. Generally, it's the effort which most people appreciate, and I'm sure in this instance you'd appreciate it greatly.

 

I look forward to your update. Hopefully it will be a positive one.

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First off, I don't think it's fair that everybody is jumping all over him for not being "clear about his intentions". He just found out about the job, some people take longer to process information and formulate an opinion than others. Perhaps he views uprooting his gf to move with him across the country as a serious decision that deserves better than a gut reaction.

 

OP, I think you need to trust yourself on this. If you truly believe that he loves you, give him a chance to figure out how this will work.

 

Personally, I would never move just to be with someone if we weren't at least engaged, but to me, the big factor would be my career. In your situation, it sounds like it would be easy enough to move back if it didn't work out, so maybe it's not that hard a choice to make.

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To clarify, he didn't seek this job out at all.

 

The company he works for is set out of Philly. The big wigs were out here for a week before his interview. He was basically in charge of them, and they LOVED him. They were extremely impressed by him and they told him there is an opening there and they want him to interview for it.

 

He was told by his colleagues out here that it would look really bad if he didn't go to the interview, it would look like he is not interested in advancing his career. That's how he ended up going. They called him on a Monday to go to this and he was on a plane on Tuesday.

 

It wasn't calculated or anything, I mean if he had been actively applying for this job, we would have had this discussion at that time. It came out of the blue, truly.

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