Not invited to Girlfriend's friends party

[whatssa]

I am upset because my girlfriend of a year is going to a somewhat large party this weekend and has not invited me. We have gone to nights out together and little parties. But never a big organized party with lots of people that only the birthday girl knows.

 

I had no idea until a few days ago I was not invited. I thought I was going because she asked "can you drive because I want to drink?". Only to find out a few days ago that she only wants me to drive her there and pick her up. While we don't go to events that much (we are more the stay at home watch a movie type), I always invite her to any event I attend. I am 28 and have been aching to go to cool party for a long time (all my friends are all settled down).

 

I am so upset with her because I went with her to shop for the present and to find her a new dress for the party. She is going to be looking very hot for this party. I was looking forward to standing next to my gf in that amazing dress knowing that guys wished they were me. Also, the friends at this party were old high school friends, many of the girls she no longer sees because they drink and party too much and are too judgmental.

 

My gf's reasoning for me not going is that I am not specifically invited to girls birthday at this girls house. I find this reasoning to be a joke. Being that people don't specifically invite friends partners as its normally assumed they come with. My gf says that this girl has a reputation of only inviting specific people to her party's and she doesn't like people going that she is not good friends with - even other boyfriends. I find this all a lot of ****. I have met this friend a few times too, we aren't best buddies but she knows who I am! She also has many friends and therefore many friends going. It's clear to me my gf doesn't want me there.

 

I won't deny that I am now somewhat insecure and needing reassurance about my GF going. There will be many guys at this party. I trust my gf won't do anything. But I hate the message it sends. It looks like I am not significant enough to bring and show to these people. The jealous and insecure me doesn't like the fact that now I will be imagining guys staring at my gf in that dress without me next to her.

 

I am sure people will bring their partners and if some friend of mine didn't want my gf to attend a party I would be telling my friend to get lost. My Gf isn't even close friends with this girl or the group of friends she knows there, they were once but rarely talk anymore.

 

My head tends to think the worst of many situations. This issue has been weighing on me for days now. I've been trying to think why I have such a problem with it. Is it jealousy? trust issues? (i dont think so) the thought of my gf in a sexy dress being preyed on by all the single guys at the party? (this one a lot). But most of all its the fact that she should really want me to come to show me off to these friends and doesn't see an issue with not having me there. She thinks I am totally overacting. But I think of it this way - if your bf was Brad Pitt or Leo Dicaprio, etc would you be leaving him to sit at home while you go to a party for your old friends? I think my gf should be excited for these people to meet the guy she loves. Now I just think she thinks I'm a bore or some kind of buzz kill.

 

I tried to talk to her about my feelings today but it led to a big argument. When we have issues she likes to scream and not talk to me for a few days so i probably won't see her again until after the party. lol

[Pyro]

I would NEVER go to a party that my wife was purposely not invited to.

 

Something seems odd. If it was an all girl party I would understand, but it is not.

[maysj18]

While it was rude of her to ask you for a ride, it is NOT her party. She can't bring you just because you have met the birthday girl and assume it'd be alright. That would be rude of her. This all sounds like insecurity to me and I would feel very controlled if my boyfriend acted that way. Don't smother her. You're not invited, so what? Her reasoning isn't bull****. It's not fair that you expect her to step on her friends toes and bring you. It may not be a problem, but it is not her place to determine that. Like I said, its her friends party.

 

It'd be different if you were married, but you're not.

[The_Reginald]

That is really just not cool AT ALL. I mean if you guys have been going out a full year and shes not going to bring you as a plus one to the party sounds odd to me. I mean as if the girl that invited your gf told her specifically not to bring you or anyone else to a fairly large party sounds like total bs to me. And asking you to drive her? REALLY? Well first off don't drive her if she wants to go and get drunk she can call a freaking cab you're not her chauffeur your her boy friend for god sake she is supposed to bring you to parties lol its how being bf and gf works. My advise is don't drive her but don't make a big deal about it either if she wants to go alone fine let her go. Just turn it around on her tell her since shes going to the party you are ganna go have fun with a few of you're friends instead of staying at home not doing anything. If she gets pissed you won't drive her so be it. And if she meets some guy at the party and dumps you for him than forget her shes not worth the heartache. Just be cool about it, you can even tell her you feel jealous but just stay cool act as if you could care less and show a display of higher value.

Edited August 2, 2012 by The_Reginald

[CC12]

My gf's reasoning for me not going is that I am not specifically invited to girls birthday at this girls house. I find this reasoning to be a joke. Being that people don't specifically invite friends partners as its normally assumed they come with. My gf says that this girl has a reputation of only inviting specific people to her party's and she doesn't like people going that she is not good friends with - even other boyfriends. I find this all a lot of ****. I have met this friend a few times too, we aren't best buddies but she knows who I am! She also has many friends and therefore many friends going. It's clear to me my gf doesn't want me there.

 

In light of the bolded parts above, why do you still think it's all your girlfriend's idea to not have you come? You were not invited by the host of the party. Your gf has no control over that.

 

Basic etiquette dictates that you do not invite yourself to parties, and that you do not bring uninvited guests with you. It would be rude of you to attend, and rude of her to bring you along since you weren't invited.

 

Hosting a party costs a lot of money. You normally have to feed people and supply drinks. You have to make sure you have enough room for everyone. Sometimes you only want close friends there. She doesn't have to invite everyone's boyfriends/girlfriends, especially ones she's only met a few times. If she did, that could theoretically double the size of her party. Don't take it personally and try not to be offended.

 

However, you'd be perfectly in the right to be offended that your girlfriend chose to include you in the pre-party activities, like shopping for a dress and buying the gift. She basically rubbed this party in your face a lot, knowing that you would not be attending it. That was pretty thoughtless of her. And why would she say, "Can you drive?" instead of "Can you give me a ride?" I don't know if that was intentionally sneaky wording, or if, again, she was just being thoughtless. She could have handled that better. Address that part with her, not the part about you being butthurt that you're not invited somewhere.

[The_Reginald]

In light of the bolded parts above, why do you still think it's all your girlfriend's idea to not have you come? You were not invited by the host of the party. Your gf has no control over that.

 

Basic etiquette dictates that you do not invite yourself to parties, and that you do not bring uninvited guests with you. It would be rude of you to attend, and rude of her to bring you along since you weren't invited.

 

Hosting a party costs a lot of money. You normally have to feed people and supply drinks. You have to make sure you have enough room for everyone. Sometimes you only want close friends there. She doesn't have to invite everyone's boyfriends/girlfriends, especially ones she's only met a few times. If she did, that could theoretically double the size of her party. Don't take it personally and try not to be offended.

 

However, you'd be perfectly in the right to be offended that your girlfriend chose to include you in the pre-party activities, like shopping for a dress and buying the gift. She basically rubbed this party in your face a lot, knowing that you would not be attending it. That was pretty thoughtless of her. And why would she say, "Can you drive?" instead of "Can you give me a ride?" I don't know if that was intentionally sneaky wording, or if, again, she was just being thoughtless. She could have handled that better. Address that part with her, not the part about you being butthurt that you're not invited somewhere.

Good points but it still seems a little fishy to me because it sort of seems like she just flat out doesn't want him there. Idk maybe I'm wrong. The op should really just let her go and forget about it whatever happens happens.

[CC12]

Good points but it still seems a little fishy to me because it sort of seems like she just flat out doesn't want him there.

 

Meh. Maybe she doesn't. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, these are friends she hasn't seen in a while who she stopped spending time with because they drink too much and whatever else. So presumably she's grown up a bit and changed as a person since being close with them. I can understand the desire to go let loose with old high school party friends without having to worry all night whether her boyfriend is comfortable and having a good time.

[Silly_Girl]

I have never heard of bf/gf being excluded in this way.

 

Either a) it's assumed they're invited, or b) your OH says to their friend 'oh, no problem if I bring Whatssa, is there?' (and if there was a problem, most people I know then would not attend)

 

I vote you and your friends go to a strip club that night, let her get a cab

[crazylove]

Red flag for me, sounds like she may have another guy lined up and doesn't want u hanging around cramping her style. Sorry:(

[whatssa]

Good points by all.

 

I should point out I wasn't purposely not invited, I just was mentioned. My gf never asked and feels it would be rude to ask. Although, I know I would consider any girlfriend/boyfriend of I friend of mine to be easily allowable exception. If they are my friend I want to meet or get to know their partners better. Might as well not invite me to any dinners out, visits to a bar, because it would be rude because this person is not direct friends with me.

 

maysj18: you are right its not my gf's party and she cannot determine whether I go or not. But she could at least slip it into a conversation? ask maybe? She could at least care? Everybody has a little insecurity and those that don't are liars. Situations like this breed insecurity. I won't deny feeling insecure about my gf going out looking like a million of dollars to spend the night drinking with guys and girls she doesn't know well and I have never met. On a side note: I don't see how marriage plays a part. What if we had been dating for 10 years?

 

The Reginald: thanks for a little validation. The sad part is almost all my friends are married, settled down, etc. So none really go out and party on a saturday night anymore. Its more of we go to each others houses for a few drinks and watch sports. For the most part I like this and so does my Gf. My GF provides the interesting escape from my sedated friends and allows me to make friends with people more like minded. This was an unusual opportunity for both my gf and myself. Maybe I could go out with her other friends! I give my GF plenty of space and time for herself and to hang out with friends and go out and I usually understand where it would be weird if I went. This situation feels weird for me to stay home. If I went out with my friends they would ask me "where is your gf?" If I told her where she was they would say "why aren't you there?".

 

CC12: Thankyou for a different perspective. Still I argue what I said above? What kind of friend doesn't want their friends to bring that person in their life? It's a house party with BYO alcohol. Don't see myself using anything of theirs besides the toilet. To the point about asking me to drive: I am sure the way she mentioned it at first was assuming i would attend with her then she has realised that I shouldn't come. My GF argued she didn't mean this but I just know she expected me to come at first. That's maybe why I don't feel right about it all.

[crazylove]

Usually, a partner would ask if it's ok to bring their partner surely??

They can only be refused at the end of the day.

[The_Reginald]

Its possible his gf is just trying to make him jealous by playing those ridiculous games that some girls just like doing...

[robaday]

Mate, I dont think theres anything you can do one way or another - I wouldnt make a big deal out of it. If you do, it would increase the likelyhood of her genuinely being up to no good.

 

As a guy, Ive always gone out without my girlfriends - not all the time, but I expect them to trust me when i do.

 

Basically, I really dont think you should make a big deal out of it. Just say youd want to go along in future, but to have fun. That way shell be more inclined to invite you.

[whatssa]

CC12: You have it mostly right and the old friends bit. But, the thing is why can't I let loose with her? I have done nothing to make her think anything otherwise. I am probably more keen than her to go to this thing!

 

Silly_me: Exactly, I've never heard of it either!

 

crazy love: I don't think there is any need to worry about another guy in the picture. Cramping her style though....

 

I feel this, I really feel this. I told her something along this line today about it seemed she was embarrassed or scared for me to come. It's actually something I would breakup with her over. It's basically saying that my gf thinks I'm not that special and that's how I feel.

[robaday]

You could get burned even worse, if you start threatening a breakup - are you willing to put your relationship on the line for one party? I understand why you feel insecure, I also agree its suspicious. BUT from her perspective, what kind of future does this relationship have if she cant go to a party without you? it would seem controlling. If a girlfriend told me if i went to something without her it would be over, i would show her where the door was.

 

And if you do threaten her and she still goes....then its over, id really think this through. Id focus on YOU right now, and why you feel insecure, and get out with your mates and have a good time, thats what shes doing.

[CC12]

My gf never asked and feels it would be rude to ask.

 

Well, it kind of would be rude to ask. It puts the hostess on the spot - she either has to say, "Yes, bring him, that's fine" whether she wants you there or not, or say, "No, I'd rather this party be only my close friends" and face hurting people's feelings and/or starting a possible sh*t storm. And this friend doesn't sound like the easy-going type who would say, "Bring whoever! The more, the merrier!" - your gf knows that she has a reputation for not wanting uninvited people attending. So I can understand your gf not wanting to ruffle feathers by asking. It's a difficult spot for your girlfriend, for sure.

 

 

Although, I know I would consider any girlfriend/boyfriend of I friend of mine to be easily allowable exception.

 

Most people would. But it doesn't matter what most of us would do, because "most of us" aren't planning this party.

 

What kind of friend doesn't want their friends to bring that person in their life?

 

What kind of friend? A bad friend, possibly. But the behavior of this person is irrelevant. You can't control what other people do or who they invite to parties.

 

To the point about asking me to drive: I am sure the way she mentioned it at first was assuming i would attend with her then she has realised that I shouldn't come. My GF argued she didn't mean this but I just know she expected me to come at first.

 

Thanks for clarifying, and I'm glad you're giving her the benefit of the doubt. There seems to be no good reason to jump to conclusions and assume she's being malicious by intentionally playing head games with you or has another guy lined up. I think she's just caught in an uncomfortable situation and she hasn't handled it very well.

 

I understand why you don't feel right about this. You were expecting one thing to happen and it didn't. But is this really something you want to make an issue out of? Is it worth fighting over? To me, it wouldn't be. It's just some stupid party, and honestly, I'd be relieved not to have to make small talk with her high school friends who she doesn't even like that much while trying to look interested in their in-jokes and re-telling of old stories. Bleh.

 

If I were you, I'd say, "The way you were talking, I thought I was going with you. Honestly, my feelings are a little hurt that I'm not welcome there, but I hope you have a good time with your friends. I'll probably be doing my own thing that night so I won't be able to drive you there, but I hope you have a good time."

[whatssa]

I didn't mean it like that Robaday. I am/will not be threatening to break up over a party.

 

I was referring more to breaking up eventually of her opinion of me as a whole. I.e: not cool enough to bring along, embarrassed by me or would find me a burden. Just gut feeling about little things said and done over time which make me feel less amazing in her eyes.

 

I agree with you CC12 its not my party and I am not going to bring it up anymore with her. I think she is quite angry with me for going on about it too much. So I won't say anymore.

 

I wish I had something to do on Saturday. Is it pathetic to do nothing?

 

We struggle with communication. She gets immediately angry if I have a problem with anything so communicating and coming to a conclusion with her on things like this is difficult. That is another thread entirely. Which I will start soon.

Edited August 2, 2012 by whatssa

[The_Reginald]

Just go see a movie

[january2011]

I'm suspicious that your homebody girlfriend bought a "hot" dress to attend a party without you, where the only people she'll know is a group of people whom she rarely talks to anymore.

 

Another yellow flag is that she wants you to enable her by driving her to this party. A party that you are excluded from. And you're meant to be okay with that.

 

You might be over-reacting but she seems rather defensive and rather uncaring in trying to justify your exclusion. And selfishly still wants to go to this party, thereby agreeing with the hostess, who is not even a close friend anymore - seeming to contradict the reason given for your exclusion.

 

So, what is the big deal about this party that makes your gf want to attend? I don't think it's an immediate dealbreaker, but to me it's suspect behaviour that may suggest some potentially dealbreaking underlying issues if it becomes a trend. Agree with The_Reginald, organise something for you to do and say you won't be able to drive her to the party because you have something else on and can't make it. After all, she's not expecting you to sit at home waiting for her while she has fun, right?

[Emilia]

I'm suspicious that your homebody girlfriend bought a "hot" dress to attend a party without you, where the only people she'll know is a group of people whom she rarely talks to anymore.

 

Another yellow flag is that she wants you to enable her by driving her to this party. A party that you are excluded from. And you're meant to be okay with that.

 

You might be over-reacting but she seems rather defensive and rather uncaring in trying to justify your exclusion. And selfishly still wants to go to this party, thereby agreeing with the hostess, who is not even a close friend anymore - seeming to contradict the reason given for your exclusion.

 

So, what is the big deal about this party that makes your gf want to attend? I don't think it's an immediate dealbreaker, but to me it's suspect behaviour that may suggest some potentially dealbreaking underlying issues if it becomes a trend. Agree with The_Reginald, organise something for you to do and say you won't be able to drive her to the party because you have something else on and can't make it. After all, she's not expecting you to sit at home waiting for her while she has fun, right?

 

I agree with this 100%. I certainly couldn't imagine myself driving my SO to a party and then picking him up after . To be fair most men I date know better than ask something like that from me.

 

Full of yellow flags. I would start considering my future with this person at this point.

[CC12]

I wish I had something to do on Saturday. Is it pathetic to do nothing?

 

No, it's not pathetic. But surely you can find something to do that night other than sitting at home waiting for her to call you to come pick her up. Don't stay home if you're going to stew about it. Google "[your city] things to do" and pick one. I bet you'll have fun. And it will take your mind off of whatever your gf is doing.

 

We struggle with communication. She gets immediately angry if I have a problem with anything so communicating and coming to a conclusion with her on things like this is difficult. That is another thread entirely. Which I will start soon.

 

Yeah, this doesn't seem healthy at all. Easy communication is super important in relationships. If it's not easy, it's not really working. It's not fair that she gets immediately angry when you bring up problems. She should listen, not get defensive. Problems need to be solved, not fought over.

[Silly_Girl]

I agree with this 100%. I certainly couldn't imagine myself driving my SO to a party and then picking him up after . To be fair most men I date know better than ask something like that from me.

 

Full of yellow flags. I would start considering my future with this person at this point.

 

I works totally do the drop-off and pick-up thing for my boyfriend... If it was a work event without partners, or a stag thing, or his sports club and members only. But not when it's a mixture of people, and he's bought some 'hot' clothes to wear and he isn't really even that close to the party-thrower. Screw that.

[CC12]

But not when it's a mixture of people, and he's bought some 'hot' clothes to wear

 

Oh, holy ****, your partner bought some nice clothes to wear to a party?! **** that! Time to fly off the handle and demand the "hot" clothes only be worn around you, and you alone. Why should he want to look nice in front of others?? You're the only person who matters.

[Emilia]

I works totally do the drop-off and pick-up thing for my boyfriend... If it was a work event without partners, or a stag thing, or his sports club and members only. But not when it's a mixture of people, and he's bought some 'hot' clothes to wear and he isn't really even that close to the party-thrower. Screw that.

 

I think when people have their event - whatever it is - they can make their own way there. I've never transported anyone in my life in this manner, nor have been transported myself. That's what a taxi is for

[irc333]

The girlfriend should not have gone to the party, if her boyfriend was not invited, plain and simple.

 

What kind of person doesn't allow someone's significant other to come with them? It's a slap in a face her even expecting you to DRIVE her, but not bring you to the party. Just seems VERY odd.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In light of the bolded parts above, why do you still think it's all your girlfriend's idea to not have you come? You were not invited by the host of the party. Your gf has no control over that.

 

Basic etiquette dictates that you do not invite yourself to parties, and that you do not bring uninvited guests with you. It would be rude of you to attend, and rude of her to bring you along since you weren't invited.

 

Hosting a party costs a lot of money. You normally have to feed people and supply drinks. You have to make sure you have enough room for everyone. Sometimes you only want close friends there. She doesn't have to invite everyone's boyfriends/girlfriends, especially ones she's only met a few times. If she did, that could theoretically double the size of her party. Don't take it personally and try not to be offended.

 

However, you'd be perfectly in the right to be offended that your girlfriend chose to include you in the pre-party activities, like shopping for a dress and buying the gift. She basically rubbed this party in your face a lot, knowing that you would not be attending it. That was pretty thoughtless of her. And why would she say, "Can you drive?" instead of "Can you give me a ride?" I don't know if that was intentionally sneaky wording, or if, again, she was just being thoughtless. She could have handled that better. Address that part with her, not the part about you being butthurt that you're not invited somewhere.

Edited August 2, 2012 by irc333