Spike95 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Hi guys, I stumbled across this site trying to find some answers about what to do with my girlfriend so I'm hoping I can get some advice or insight into the situation. First off a little about me is I'm 21 and in college in Alabama. Heres the deal: I've been dating this girl for about 5 months now and things have been going pretty well up until about 2 months ago. We will have these fights where she mis-interprets what I say to her and she takes offensive meaning to it. Just last week it seemed to be EVERY day I couldn't say a word without her finding something wrong with what I was saying. For instance, she will be going on a cruise this summer and she just got back from mardi gras, and before that disney world, and before that Gatlinburg Tennessee. I just made the comment "You guys travel a lot" and she took it as that I was trying to make her stay home and not have a life, when I was really just being captain obvious and stating what was already apparent. Just this last friday, she and I were suppose to go out to celebrate her getting into this teaching program she was preparing for, but she called me and told me her parents were going to take her out and they wanted me to come along. I asked her if it was ok by her and she just replied "I don't care". So I told her not to worry about it and we could go out later when she got back. She got mad at me and told me I was giving her an ultimatum to choose between her parents and me, when I was really just asking to see her at some point in the day. I told her that I have had it with her taking negative meaning to everything I say and I said I wished she would just listen to me. This went on for a while back and forth....so......she breaks up with me and hangs up. she calls back a little later and said she never intended for that to happen in our phone conversation. I blew up on her and yelled a lot of things that other family members could have heard which shouldn't have been heard (She had an abortion from her past bf and no one really knows about it) and she came back with saying she didnt want her personal life posted in a newspaper and why we couldnt stay friends because she didnt want people to know her secrets. That kind of fueled my anger, but we both agreed to get off the phone and talk about it later when we calmed down. I call her saturday evening...calm, collected, but still very defensive. I told her I was sorry for exploding on her and when I said "I have had it" I didnt mean had it with being with her. I asked what she wanted to do, and she said that she loved me and didnt want me to leave her life, but she didn't want us to argue anymore. She said since I didn't want to be friends after we split she thought she didnt have a choice but to stay. I told her to go if thats what she wanted because I didn't want to keep her here against her will. She said she wanted to try and work through this though because she still cared. So it seems ok thus far. We go out to dinner and she had some drinks and ends up apologizing to me when we parked on top of this mountain saying she was a bad girlfriend and had an attitude problem. I told her it was alright and we could come out stronger from all this. Since that night I've felt this feeling inside of me......like despair. She said a lot of things this past week that hurt me and it still stings a lot. She called me clingy...but she said she thought that was just a difference in our personalities. I talk to her maybe once a day and I'm lucky to see her once a week. Does that make me clingy? I don't really know...no girl has ever called me clingy before. But now I have this clingy complex hanging over me as well as wondering what I need to do from here to build back up. I see a lot of posts on here just saying DUMP HER or something like that but I'm trying to salvage the relationship if possible. She expressed to me she wants to try and work through it and so do I but I need advice on how to cope with all this or how to avoid some fights in the future over a similar issue, or some insight as what to do period. I appreciate it everyone, thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
WWDDFD Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 My advice is not to lose your cool. If she starts blowing up on you, just keep calm and tell her you don't like what she's doing. I know it's difficult not to get angry sometimes, but you have to try. Believe me, I had a huge anger problem when I was younger, you can get over it. I did. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 I believe that I could work through ANY issue with someone I truly Loved. Infidelity, religious conflicts, sexual stuff-ANYTHING at all, except a lack of communication. Humans were not granted telepathy. It is the curse of humanity to keep one's true desires and intentions to themselves; ergo, we can never fully understand another person, because of the innate fear of vulnerability. I could slay a dragon with her help, but the moment she stopped helping, would be the end of a relationship. People have two delusions. One, that love conquers all, and two, that the longer you've stayed with someone, the more valuable a relationship. Love doesn't conquer all, lovers may, but love cannot--love is a shixty word, because it means different things to different people. Don't think that love is enough for a healthy relationship, both people need to work at it every day of their lives, or it fails. Some days it's harder to work, somedays it's easy and rewarding--but when the will to work is gone, the relationship cannot survive. The second is just annoying, people who think that an "investment" must pay "dividends". So you've spent x years with her, and you've yielded 15% of what you deserve. It's only gotten worse. The formula is as follows, it's a system of equations. X = # of years so far K = Number of additional years (variable) D = What you deserve. X = .15 * D (X+k) = [(x/.15)k] * D Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Alot of times in the heat of an arguement we say things that we don't mean just to hurt the other person b/c they hurt us. Don't take it personaly it happens. You are still in a new realtionship so unintentionally she is probably comparing you with her last ex. As in interpeting you the wrong way. Maybe her ex was very condescending and she is speaking out in defence. Next time she interpets you wrong just explain that it was not the way you intended. She will soon realise your intentions. No I don't think you should dump her this is just your first bump in a long road of ups and downs. If we ended every relationship b/c of misunderstanding marriage would not exist b/c no one would make it past the 3rd date. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Dyermaker: DUHHHH........What? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by carla Dyermaker: DUHHHH........What? The more you stay in an unhappy, one-sided relationship, the less happy you'll be, and for a longer period of time. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 All righty then. I knew that. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by carla All righty then. I knew that. Don't feel bad, I'm a terrible math student--it's likely wrong anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Spike95 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Thanks for your advice guys, I'm really unhappy right now though because every time we have a fight it's the same issue and it seems like she wins. When we finally do get past stuff like this I'm the happiest person alive.......so you think if I'm unhappy I should get out? Or what could I say to knock her off her high horse that I'm the one always doing wrong when I don't intentionally mean to? Link to post Share on other sites
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