markenspiel Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 My girlfriend recently asked 3 guys who she's known for a while to have a band-themed "drink night" in the near future. She didn't care to include me in her plans since I'm admittedly not a fan of the band that they want to listen to. When I asked her if I could join, she said she would rather not do it at all than have me be there, since she would feel like she was being babysat. I explained that I simply thought that it would be inappropriate for a girl in a relationship to hang out with 3 other guys with the explicit purpose of getting drunk, and she thinks I'm being unreasonable. A little background: my girlfriend is almost exclusively friends with guys, and most of her few female friends have moved out of state. She has expressed feelings of loneliness due to her female friend and former roommate moving out, and seems to honestly think that I wouldn't have a problem with her drinking with a group of other guys - in her eyes, they are just "friends" and nothing else. I trust her, but simply think that it's an inappropriate situation for a girl in a relationship to be in. We have been dating for 4 and a half years. Am I being unreasonable? I am afraid that I am being too controlling, and she has actually known these guys longer than we have been dating - she just hasn't hung out with them since we've been going out, and I'm just worried that this new and sudden desire is a reflection of the fact that she might not be satisfied with our relationship. I acknowledge that this might not be the case and may simply be the result of her recent lonely feelings, but I can't stop considering this situation from the worst possible angle. For example, she has stated that our relationship has felt more "casual" for the past few months, coinciding with her lack of desire to have sex with me as frequently as in the past. In her eyes, these issues and her wanting to drink with her male friends are not connected, but I can't help worrying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chunky Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 If she'd rather drink with three guys and not you then it's over. You can do better. I wonder how she'd feel if it was you and three girls? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 If she'd rather drink with three guys and not you then it's over. You can do better. I wonder how she'd feel if it was you and three girls? I can understand his warriness about this situation. * less desire to have sex with him and talk of the relationship being more casual. * Hanging out with 3 guys and him not being there. * Considering him her bf being there, the equivalent of being ' babysat'. sheesh. * Drinking with 3 (single?) guys at night who she likes, without even any of her gfs being there to be the handbrake. So much s*** happens when people are drunk. So many 'I was drunk and didnt know what I was doing' stories. OP, I think you should go. If she sulks & whinges, then reevaluate the relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I would tell her it's great idea! She should enjoy herself. You only live once after all.... ...oh and tell her "don't forget your $hit on the way out the door. The locks WILL be changed." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aj22one Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I would tell her it's great idea! She should enjoy herself. You only live once after all.... ...oh and tell her "don't forget your $hit on the way out the door. The locks WILL be changed." This. Seriously. Have some self respect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) End it. It even doesn't matter whether something actually happens or not (although something probably will) part of being faithful is about avoid situations that even LOOK bad. She is massively disrespecring you even if no one touches anyone else. Edited July 24, 2012 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Author markenspiel Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 I'm not part of the 'end it now' brigade but I have to admit things don't look good given what you've said. Have you hung out with her and her male friends before? How does she act around them? I've never met these male friends before, since we don't have anything in common. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Thats just ridiculous... Tell her if she feels that way then its over... Guys and girls are never just friends... She wants to get drunk with other guys and would rather not do it AT ALL than have you there... and these are guys you havent actually met...? IN FOUR YEARS of dating her??? She probably JUST met these guys on the internet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author markenspiel Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 OK but have you seen her with other male friends? I'm asking because the key is how she acts around them. My ex only had male friends, male friends who all wanted to either bone her, were in love with her or both. At first I thought 'well it can't be helped, can't help if people are attracted to her' but when I saw how she acted round them, very touchy feely, pet names, sharing beds with them etc I knew why they all felt that way. She of course ended up cheating on me. Nothing wrong with opposite sex friends but there's everything wrong with not setting boundaries. If you know how she acts around male friends then you have a better way of gauging the situation. To be honest she acts pretty normally around male friends, certainly nothing like the behavior you've just described. I'm less worried about her cheating on me than I am about the fact that she thinks it's unreasonable for me to have a problem with this situation - I can't believe that she thought it would be so normal that it wouldn't even warrant a discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Yes guy and girls can just be friends, if you have no female friends then I pity you frankly. Only immature idiots can't just be friends with the opposite sex. I'm in agreement with pretty much everything else you said though. Friends = Guy who's not attracted to girl + Girl who's not attracted to guy NOT Friends = Guy who's attracted to girl + Girl who's not attracted to guy OR NOT Friends = Guy who's not attracted to girl + Girl who's attracted to guy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I can't imagine you even need to ask this. Quality people in relationships don't keep friends of the opposite sex whom they want to keep apart from their SO of 4.5 years, they simply don't. These are backburnered romantic options and attention supply, not "friends." Seriously, I'd break up with a woman just for her lousy excuse of not wanting you there, "I'd rather not do it at all than have you there??" Really? Quality partners don't speak to their SO like this. Get out yesterday, totally on you if you continue to allow this type of mistreatment and disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author markenspiel Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 Thats just ridiculous... Tell her if she feels that way then its over... Guys and girls are never just friends... She wants to get drunk with other guys and would rather not do it AT ALL than have you there... and these are guys you havent actually met...? IN FOUR YEARS of dating her??? She probably JUST met these guys on the internet. I actually know for a fact that she's known these guys for longer than we've been dating. She has hung out with one of them before, at a group gathering for a hobby that they share an interest in. The other two, she has not hung out with in person for 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Nothing wrong with having male friends but the fact that she wants to get drunk with them without you around pretty much says it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Yes guy and girls can just be friends, if you have no female friends then I pity you frankly. Only immature idiots can't just be friends with the opposite sex.I have ONE female "friend" that I havent ****ed and have no interest in ****ing... and that is simply because we work together... The immature idiots are the ones that wont admit what they really want to do with all their opposite sex "friends". Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I actually know for a fact that she's known these guys for longer than we've been dating. She has hung out with one of them before, at a group gathering for a hobby that they share an interest in. The other two, she has not hung out with in person for 5 years. What's your point? Sounds like you are making excuses for her and you dont want to accept the fact that she is making a fool out of you. Seriously man. Grow a pair and kick her crap to the side of the road. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Am I being unreasonable? If it were me, I'd probably say nothing and let her go. But that's just because I don't like to rock the boat as it were with women. You know not do anything that might make them not like me. But if you're someone with dignity and self confidence, then I would put my foot down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Silent Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 The only reason I say trust her and let her go is because you have been with her for four years and have not had any major problems. If it was any other girl, I would say drop her and keep it moving. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 OK but have you seen her with other male friends? I'm asking because the key is how she acts around them. My ex only had male friends, male friends who all wanted to either bone her, were in love with her or both. At first I thought 'well it can't be helped, can't help if people are attracted to her' but when I saw how she acted round them, very touchy feely, pet names, sharing beds with them etc I knew why they all felt that way. She of course ended up cheating on me. Nothing wrong with opposite sex friends but there's everything wrong with not setting boundaries. If you know how she acts around male friends then you have a better way of gauging the situation. I can't like the above enough. OP, regardless if you have anything in common, it's always good to know how she acts around these guy friends, esp if you are keeping her around for the longterm. But even so, the fact that she told you she'd rather not even go than have you along? WTF who says things like that? Link to post Share on other sites
USCGAviator Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Sounds like she doesn't respect you anymore. That is all Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 It is normal to want to do your own thing occasionall, without your partner being present. However, you SHOULD ALWAYS invite him and LET them come, when it comes to members of the opposite sex. It is just common decency; if your in a relationship, eve the most secure people SHOULD NOT go and hang out with the opposite sex people, alone ( a girl with 3 guys, or a guy with 3 girls), and NOT invite your partner along! If get that people want to have their own life and own social times away from their partner. But a normal and respectable way to say it, would be to say: ... " hey, I am having a few drinks with some guy friends, I really get along well with these friends and feel that we would have a good time alone together, but I love you and it looks comprimising if YOUR not there - so please come, I am sure you will not kill the vibe" .... If she has a great time with these guys, why would YOU being there stop it? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 When I asked her if I could join, she said she would rather not do it at all than have me be there... Like many others in the thread, this has me scratching my head. Even dragging out your best rationalization skills, you can't put a positive spin on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I don't care if my dude has friends of the opposite sex that he spends time with away from me. I also have friends of the opposite sex that I spend time with one on one. However, in both instances, they are friends with me and him, too. I would be uncomfortable if he was close friends with a woman who had no interest in getting to know me, or that he kept me away from. Huge red flag, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 When I was younger I did this sort of thing because I didn't know better and my SO didn't pull me up on it. Only occasionally though. Now I wouldn't put a boyfriend in a position like this. Probably because I don't go drinking as such, it usually accompanies some sporting event or just a couple of beers after work on a friday or after a full day of a sailing race, etc Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 OP just needs to call his GF on her BS. She will either respect him for it or she will reject him. Im guessing the later. Either way it's win win for him. He just needs to stick to his guns and his morals as a man. If she doesnt respect that then there are other women out there that will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
It's Just Me Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I didn't even bother to read through the responses. I cannot even FATHOM going out and getting drunk with other people without my boyfriend, much less with other men. This is messed up, and needs to end now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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