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Girl I just started dating might have an eating disorder..


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So I recently started to date a girl that I met through a friend. We have been out 5 times...and things couldn't have been going better. (I am 28 and she is 26...soon to be 27)

 

I have a great job, own my own home, great family...but have always seemed to date the wrong type of girls. I have always attracted the wrong type of girl...and therefore it hard for me get into a "real" relationship. From every sign that I have seen with this girl...it is going to be different.

 

She has a great job, just recently bought a place of her own...what seems to be a great family...very confident, an overall great person. After 5 dates...really someone I could see myself with long-term.

 

Hanging out on Saturday we went to a large BBQ, and she met some of my friends and family. Nothing overly formal...and I thought she held herself in a very positive light. There was a lot of alcohol consumed and everyone was enjoying themselves.

 

Later in the evening we got into a more personal conversation, about our relationships with our parents..and some of the stress her mother put on her as a child. (She was quite drunk and I'm not quite sure she remembers the convo) She told that her mother would constantly weigh her as a child, and due to this, was always extremely weight conscious. Her mother would grab parts of her body and tell her that she needed to lose weight at a young age. She told me this caused her to throw up after meals...and then said that she had even done it earlier in the day. She said that she had to therapy for it...and is trying to get it under control. She then told me how much she liked me, and how I deserved to date someone normal...with not so many issues. (I took this as a defense mechanism...to try and push me away??)

 

I didn't make it a big deal of it...and comforted her the best I could. Said that I am no one to judge anyone...and couldnt imagine what it would be like to grow up like that...

 

When we woke up the next morning..I kinda tip-toed around what had been said the prior night. At one point I brought up parents again...to see if I could bridge the convo to what we had talked about the prior night. She immiedatitly shot it down, and said that she didnt want to talk about it right now. I respected it..and changed the convo. (I do like her...and dont want to scare her away...and was bringing it up, cause I do care. Even if what happens to us doesnt work out....I dont want to see anyone go through something like this the rest of their life.)

 

I have never had any experience with something like this in my life...and don't want to tell any of my close friends, as if I continue to date this girl, I don't want them to look at her in a negative light. I guess I am just looking for some advice from people that have dealt with something like this before. Do I bring this up again? Do I wait til she brings it up? Im really clueless on what to do.

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An eating disorder is a very serious issue, can have long term, permanent health consequences, and appears to be something she's struggled with all her life. And if you were to ever marry her and/or have children with her, she would pass down that attitude of fear of weight gain to your daughters as well. You may want to think twice about continuing in a relationship with her. Doesn't sound like long term potential to me. You could bring up the subject with her and tell her you are concerned about something she said the other night about her history of being fearful of gaining weight, and you want her to be healthy, and then discuss possibly seeking counseling for the attitudes her mother instilled in her which may be harmful to her. I don't think you can ignore this elephant in the room.

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Untreated bulimia presenting regularly? Get out now, you just scraped the tip of the iceberg. Google "bulimia comorbidity" if you need more convincing. If she dedicates herself to treatment and management, 50/50 as to whether I'd continue, probably not. Been there, done that, no thanks.

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amaysngrace

Her condition may improve by something as simple as getting her own place and getting away from her mom.

 

I'm just sayin'

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Oxy Moronovich
Her condition may improve by something as simple as getting her own place and getting away from her mom.

 

I'm just sayin'

Wrong. Do not believe this OP for a second. Her condition will not improve as simply as that. A good friend of mine is dated a chick with an eating disorder here in Texas. She was from Pennsylvania. When she was in her teens, she always used to get teased by classmates and family members for being fat. The summer before her freshman year in college she went full bulimic and lost a ton of weight. Even though she was living in Texas, she couldn't get over how her childhood messed up her view of body fat on her. She's skinnier than Ally McBeal but still complains about being too fat and vomits alot of what she eats.

 

Women don't get rid of their childhood anxieties simply by moving away.

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amaysngrace
Wrong. Do not believe this OP for a second. Her condition will not improve as simply as that. A good friend of mine is dated a chick with an eating disorder here in Texas. She was from Pennsylvania. When she was in her teens, she always used to get teased by classmates and family members for being fat. The summer before her freshman year in college she went full bulimic and lost a ton of weight. Even though she was living in Texas, she couldn't get over how her childhood messed up her view of body fat on her. She's skinnier than Ally McBeal but still complains about being too fat and vomits alot of what she eats.

 

Women don't get rid of their childhood anxieties simply by moving away.

 

Really? So now you're a psychotherapist?

 

I had no idea. :rolleyes:

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Lauriebell82

I can relate to your
gf
, I had a similar experience which resulted in an eating disorder. Even though I am in remission and have been for a very long time, I feel that my husband is as empathetic as he can, but still I try not to bring the drama of it into our relationship, I do talk to him sometimes. But I reserve my feelings and thoughts about it to my friends. I was in my active eating disorder with my ex boyfriend and I was depressed and miserable. It wasn't until I broke up with him that I was able to get help and I gradually got better.

 

The fact that she is still active in her eating disorder tells me that she is not in a place right now to be in a healthy relationship. It's basically like getting involved with someone who is a drug addict actively using. I think you can be there for her, but only as a friend. She needs to get treatment and recover from this before she can be in a healthy relationship. Unless you want to open yourself to a whole bunch of drama and emotional turmoil then I would say for you to end it before things get more serious.

Edited by Lauriebell82
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Lauriebell82
They make for fantastic sexual partners but I'd never do anything long term with someone like that.

 

Why are they fantastic? They're not going to get fat.

 

I myself have felt the opposite. Having body issues affects intimacy, at least for the female. Having an eating disorder doesn't neccessarily mean you are super skinny either...

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Thank you all for your input.

 

As I said...I have never had any experience with anything like this before...so I was unsure the severity of it.

 

After googling it...and doing a lot of research today...Im pretty bummed out with what I found. The issue is a lot more serious that what I first thought.

 

I will approach her as a friend...and express concern. I am not sure what else I am able to offer someone with this kind of problem. Feel really bad about it. :(

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Oxy Moronovich
Really? So now you're a psychotherapist?

 

I had no idea. :rolleyes:

Are you an alias for Negative Nancy? You both live on the Jersey Shore, use roll eyes emoticons excessively, and are sarcastic. You got the posting style of her. You do know having aliases is against the rules, right?

 

In any case, I reiterate that moving won't solve a deep psychological problem. You don't have to be a psychotherapist to know this. By the way, do you know what a psychotherapist is?

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It's Just Me

Agree with what's being said - the disordered eating part is only the tip of the iceberg in cases like these. The emotional problems run very, very deep and affect relationships a great deal. They go hand-in-hand, unfortunately.

 

Kudos to you for being so compassionate, Reegs.

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Forever Silent

No reason to jump the gun here. Only been out on 5 dates so I will assume you have been knowing the woman for les than 3 months. Respect her privacy. Until you both commit to a exclusive relationship, I suggest keeping that convo to yourself. She will dicuss with you when the time is right, no reason to force the issue out.

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The Way I Am
No reason to jump the gun here. Only been out on 5 dates so I will assume you have been knowing the woman for les than 3 months. Respect her privacy. Until you both commit to a exclusive relationship, I suggest keeping that convo to yourself. She will dicuss with you when the time is right, no reason to force the issue out.

 

What? No. You don't avoid issues until after you're committed. You should address issues as they reveal themselves so you avoid being in unhealthy relationships.

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Agree with what's being said - the disordered eating part is only the tip of the iceberg in cases like these. The emotional problems run very' date=' very deep and affect relationships a great deal. [/quote']

 

I have not been in a relationship with a bulimic before. I do realise the measures she goes to are not healthy and there will be moodiness and self esteem issues, but why can't this desire to stay slim and be perfect in her mind, be the iceberg?

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amaysngrace
Are you an alias for Negative Nancy? You both live on the Jersey Shore, use roll eyes emoticons excessively, and are sarcastic. You got the posting style of her. You do know having aliases is against the rules, right?

 

In any case, I reiterate that moving won't solve a deep psychological problem. You don't have to be a psychotherapist to know this. By the way, do you know what a psychotherapist is?

 

Yes I know what a psychotherapist is and I don't know who negative nancy is but I had an eating disorder for a long time and I know it can be changed.

 

Just because you know a guy who knew a girl doesn't make you an authority. :laugh:

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I have not been in a relationship with a bulimic before. I do realise the measures she goes to are not healthy and there will be moodiness and self esteem issues, but why can't this desire to stay slim and be perfect in her mind, be the iceberg?

 

It involves much more than a desire to look good, and no matter what they see in the mirror, it will never look good to them. There are "secret keeping" behaviors involved also that lead to all sorts of bad results, day to day dishonesty and lies, bizarre acting out, infantalizing, flagrant purposeful cheating, emotional and physical abuse of loved ones, plus all the other cluster disorders that are usually comorbid. If a woman is vomiting meals and not seeking help, do not date her at all unless and until she agrees to get help and shows a pattern of sticking to treatment for a length of time. As someone else posted, it's similar to alcoholism or drug addiction. I learned the hard way. Don't repeat my mistake :)

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amaysngrace

Just the fact that she confided in you is a step in the right direction IME. I take offense to these people who say she'll beat her kids or cheat on you. It's not true for me.

 

You said she's getting help right? There's a very good chance she can get well if she wants to get well. Talk to her about what help she's getting.

 

I see no problem with talking to her about it. She mentioned it to you first so I think you should talk to her just to find out why she was telling you that. Does she want your support to get well or does she want you to go away because she knows she can't get well right now?

 

These are things you should find out if you think you want her in your life. Then see what she says and go from there.

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The Way I Am
Just the fact that she confided in you is a step in the right direction IME.

 

True, but it's not a good sign that it was alcohol-induced and now she's refusing to address it. If she's willing to talk about it and discuss how she's working on it, then there is hope. If she continues to refuse to avoid the topic unless drunk, that's a very bad sign.

 

I take offense to these people who say she'll beat her kids or cheat on you. It's not true for me.

 

That did seem pretty extreme. That pretty much happens if any issue is brought up. People have heard of or seen bad things come along with a specific issue and think that's the norm rather than worst-case scenario.

 

Yeah, cheating, dishonesty, abuse, etc are things to watch out for, but they would be things to watch out for anyway.

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mortensorchid

Experts Answer: How Do You Tell if Someone Has an Eating Disorder? | Signs & Symptoms of Anorexia, Bulimia | MyHealthNewsDaily.com

 

Having known several people in my lifetime who have had said eating disorders, this is only the tip of the iceburg. They are also prone to other things. I knew an anorexic girl in high school, she was arrested a few times for shoplifting at the mall and had been caught stealing things out of people's bags in the homeroom (kleptomania). She also had a foul disposition but that was partially because of her not eating. She did recover last I heard, she wasted away to 80 lbs, was sent to rehab and came back looking good again. As to what happened after that, I have no idea.

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Yeah, cheating, dishonesty, abuse, etc are things to watch out for, but they would be things to watch out for anyway.

 

I'm not making it up. These behaviors are all comorbid with bulimia to a much greater degree than in the general population. Look it up. I didn't know until I experienced it. Are they -all- going to do these things? No, but the risks are much much higher. As stated prior, women who are willing to face it, get treated and stick to the treatment are dateable. Purging and no treatment though? Nope, not for me any more anyway.

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Forever Silent
What? No. You don't avoid issues until after you're committed. You should address issues as they reveal themselves so you avoid being in unhealthy relationships.

 

Some issuses such as this are deeply personal. To her, he is still a stranger. I agree it is an important issue, but it is not his place to discuss it with her. Unless she brings it up, do not force the issue on her. Wait to she is comfortable or you decide to pursue a committed relationship. I know it may seem uncaring or harsh, but it will result in less pain for you and her.

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The Way I Am
Some issuses such as this are deeply personal. To her, he is still a stranger. I agree it is an important issue, but it is not his place to discuss it with her. Unless she brings it up, do not force the issue on her. Wait to she is comfortable or you decide to pursue a committed relationship. I know it may seem uncaring or harsh, but it will result in less pain for you and her.

 

There are a lot of issues that are deeply personal. She brought it up. If someone isn't prepared to address their issues in an adult discussion after bringing them up, then that person is in no frame of mind to pursue a committed relationship. It's not fair to the other person.

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Again, GREATLY appreciate everyone's input on this. I saw her last night...and had the conversation.

 

I do like this girl, and after thinking about it the majority of the day yesterday, and multiple google searches, I decided that I needed to have the conversation sooner rather than later. I asked if she was free, and wanted to meet up. She agreed, and we went to dinner.

 

I didnt get an alcoholic drink because I knew at some point during the night I needed to speak up and didn't want anything impairing my thoughts. Throughout dinner, there were no awkward moments...things had flowed just like prior dates. The conversation found its way to the topic on its own, and I continued with it and didn't shy away. Ill be honest...it was probably one of the most difficult convos I have ever had with someone. To have such an deep convo with someone I have know for less than a month was awkward, but I knew I wasnt being true to myself or her if I ignored it.

 

This is what I got from it...and would love some feedback from you folks. I prefaced the convo by saying that openness and honesty were two things I wont compromise on...its something that I need in life to have any kind of friendship or relationship. She then went on and told me that it was an issue that started for her when she was a freshman in college. She came home from college and had gained some weight, and her mother made comments to her about it. With the stresses of school...and her mothers scruntinization it was something that happened. It continued through college and stopped when she met a boyfriend..things we ok for a while..and then they broke up. This sent her into another spiral. (To me this seems like a stress induced disease..but again would love some input) She told me only 3 people in her life have known about it prior to me....and that she felt that if things continued to progress with me, she wanted to let me know about this issue she has/had.

 

I asked if this was something she still had a problem with. She said yes and no....and explained that it was something she hadn't done since the beginning of May and was actively seeing a therapist about it, once a week. She even went as far as to say that she had told her therapist she had met me and was open about her problem with me. She said that she has a strong desire to get it under control...and wants to be done with it. "I am 27 at this point...its not something I want to do...or enjoy doing. I want to move on with my life."

 

One thing that struck me....was the night she told me...she said she had gotten sick that night. I brought that up as well...saying "I know you said the beginning of May was the last time...well then why did you tell me on saturday night that it had happened."

 

She said that she had gotten sick from alcohol and drinking too much...and it was not self induced.

 

I walked away from the convo almost feeling more confused then when I walked in. If she had said "i do this...I have not gotten help...its a problem" I would made a very easy decision and ran away. If she denied it...and said "I was just drunk" I would have made the same decision. She pretty much acknowledged it...said she was working on fixing it...and wants to move forward with her life. She wants to be open and honest....and seems to me to be making a valiant effort towards it.

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amaysngrace

Wow...good for you for staying true to you! It must have been awkward but you went there anyway. That speaks volumes about your character. :)

 

I guess you could say stress brings it on but for me it was more a lack of self-worth and feeling bad about myself. It was the one thing I could control when I felt I had no control otherwise. Maybe a bad grade triggered it for her or the break-up made her feel less than perfect. It's really all about feelings though. Swallowing bad feelings and then feeling like a loser for doing that and regaining control by purging. At least that's how it was for me.

 

I would say that anybody who does this has emotional damage but it can be healed. She needs to find a way to express her feelings in a healthy way, perhaps by being more assertive and vocal when something is bothering her.

 

A few things helped me. Writing down my feelings in a journal helped but probably the biggest thing that helped me was throwing away my scale.

 

That scale has a way of dictating how you feel about yourself with the number it shows.

 

Also in my case, the bulimia was an effect of another cause. I'm not sure if it's that way for everyone or not. If it is like that for her, she can't just stop at the eating disorder. She'll have to dig deeper to find out why she has one in the first place.

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