I am shy, is this going to be a disaster?

[fabulousgal]

Hello LS!

 

I am happy to be back after a few years.

 

I have decided recently to get into online dating. I am still traveling like crazy for work (weekly), but am working to at least be where I live more days during the week and eventually find other work.

 

Because of career+maybe being scared I have avoided dating/meeting guys over the last few years. But recently I set up two accounts and jumped right in. So far I've been on 3 meets. The first was a no-go from my end (he was a little over the top on the touchy-feely behavior, let's just say I felt violated ). However I do know I appeared shy/aloof in the start, but he did a nice job of making me feel like he was warm and interested in what I had to say and it got much better.

 

The second was a guy who by his emails sounded like there was a lot of potential. He picked a bar to meet at, and I agreed thinking this is what people do these days. The day of the date, I never heard from him but arrived to the spot early. He was there, better looking than I thought, and I was SO NERVOUS.

 

It was so loud, I couldn't hear him and had to yell, we finally got a table (my doing), and I have to say it was hard for me to let loose after the awkward start. Finally I thought things were going better, and he asked me if I wanted another drink. I said sure, and he comes back and basically refuses to look at me, asks me if I was miserable. At this point any questions he asked me I felt like a disaster, he ended the meeting and I didn't say anything else except Thank You with a quick hug and turned off into the night.

 

Now I am a shy person in certain situations, but really am not boring and pretty outgoing once I get warmed up. I felt like I had 5 minutes to make it or break it. I don't think this is normal, but I do have to say I feel like crap since. I do think I do not want to have the first meet in a bar again, coffee tends to work better for me. Bars around here you have to get pretty dolled up and I think that adds extra stress!

 

My 3rd date was just a simple coffee meeting with a guy who I found really funny but sort of knew it wouldn't be much more than a nice afternoon conversation. It was simply that, he was nice and the conversation was good, and I didn't feel all the pressure.

 

So am I weirdo for not being able to sell myself/open up right away? Is this going to be a turn off for guys? It just takes time for me to warm up, and I also think this guy (number 2) may have just been rude/egotistical. Any other shy people doing online dating, how do you kill the nerves!! Tips please.

[USMCHokie]

So am I weirdo for not being able to sell myself/open up right away? Is this going to be a turn off for guys? It just takes time for me to warm up, and I also think this guy (number 2) may have just been rude/egotistical. Any other shy people doing online dating, how do you kill the nerves!! Tips please.

 

Unfortunately, this is the market environment of online dating, where each first meeting is like a job interview where you show off your goods and get out. People often have several candidates on the table and need instant gratification or else, and they assume that everyone else shares this mentality. It's the nature of the beast, and it's something you'll either have to adapt to, get lucky and find someone similar to you, or get out...

 

Long gone are the days of actually getting to know someone (e.g., school or work) and allowing that attraction to build more organically. Online dating seems rather forced to me, because you're essentially shopping for a romantic partner.

[fabulousgal]

That seems like good perspective.

 

So my take aways are that request we meet for coffee/in a park so it isn't as chaotic in a loud bar.

 

Funny part is that he didn't really sell himself either, I think it was pretty clear though I was shy. I didn't know how to answer some of his questions because it was so interview style:

 

"What's new with you?" is how it opened up. I mean I've known you for 10 seconds.

 

Then when he starting being sort of rude, I just shut down more when I think the right behavior from him would have been to try and make me feel comfortable. I did accept his invitation afterall! And he picked the noisy a* place

[USMCHokie]

So my take aways are that request we meet for coffee/in a park so it isn't as chaotic in a loud bar.

 

A park is a great idea.

 

But I feel that a bar is a terrible place for a first date/meet with someone from online dating. However, a lot of PUA literature seems to encourage bars and alcohol, for obvious reasons. From what you've described, it appeared the guy was looking for a quick score, and when you seemed shy, he pulled the ejection handle...probably to chat up some other girls at the bar for said quick score...

 

But I merely speculate...

[Lonely Ronin]

If you are shy, I think you should maybe talk with them more before you decide to meet them.

 

A bar isn't necessarily A bad place to meet someone, if it's the right type of bar. Imo a good bar is one that also has sit down dining, & other stuff to entertain people like pool and darts. The evening could start out as just drinks, and if you are hitting it off, it can progress to dinner or a game or both.

[fabulousgal]

I would agree, the other 2 guys I spoke with on the phone/texted with for not too long but enough to feel like I had something silly to open up with or crack jokes about.

 

This meeting was like too weird, I thought it was odd he didn't text me the day of to confirm. Maybe I expect too much and should have been dating in the 1950's.

[yongyong]

You are women. all you need to do is 'being pretty'

 

If you are not, you better make it up with your personality....

[Radu]

I honestly have no ideea what made you think that the 2nd guy was egotistical ...

 

I did notice some few things i want to point out.

Your attitude in these meetings [admitted by you] has been a passive one.

While online dating is quite alot like an interview [i compare it more with shopping for shoes], you are putting all blame squarely on his/their shoulders.

 

The first was a no-go from my end (he was a little over the top on the touchy-feely behavior, let's just say I felt violated ). However I do know I appeared shy/aloof in the start, but he did a nice job of making me feel like he was warm and interested in what I had to say and it got much better.

I am curious to know what he did because in just a few lines you go from saying he was borderline abusive [felt violated] to saying you felt better ... quite frankly the 'v' word is one that guys fear, because the accusation is strong even if not proven, so some good guys would prefer to err on the side of caution.

I suspect he didn't know how to act and he went a bit overboard with how much you are comfortable, it's not like your limit is tattoed on your forehead ... is it ?

 

I just shut down more when I think the right behavior from him would have been to try and make me feel comfortable. I did accept his invitation afterall!

This is entitlement.

 

I felt like I had 5 minutes to make it or break it. I don't think this is normal, but I do have to say I feel like crap since.

It's normal for us guys tbh, we get judged in under 2min when we cold approach a girl on the street, it feels wrong i know ... i'm painfully shy as well.

But in the fast paced world of online dating and instant gratification, that's how it is. Lots of ppl out there who act as if they have dating ADD.

 

My 3rd date was just a simple coffee meeting with a guy who I found really funny but sort of knew it wouldn't be much more than a nice afternoon conversation. It was simply that, he was nice and the conversation was good, and I didn't feel all the pressure.

Why ?

Can you elaborate ?

 

 

I hope you don't take this as a personal attack, but you don't seem like someone who has much experience dating or knows what she wants.

That's fine, as long as you realise that the blame is on you, because if you put the blame on them you will end up bitter [i've been there] and impossible to improve.

 

PS: You might want to find a good bar for dating, good music, good atmosphere and you can hear each other.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Radu

[fabulousgal]

 

I honestly have no ideea what made you think that the 2nd guy was egotistical

...

 

 

Good because then you'd be a mind reader (scary) and I spared everyone of the details/comments made.

 

I suspect he didn't know how to act and he went a bit overboard with how much

you are comfortable, it's not like your limit is tattoed on your forehead ... is

it ?

 

 

 

 

This guy grabbed my body in multiple places (think the two b's) at the end of the date when I hugged him good night.

 

Why ?

Can you elaborate ?

 

We are pretty different in our life goals. I will be upfront about this for sure and let him know it is a friendship. Would certainly meet him or go see one of his shows if he asked he was a cool person.

 

 

I hope you don't take this as a personal attack, but you don't seem like someone

who has much experience dating or knows what she wants.

 

I don't have a lot of experience dating since I've been very career focused. I am doing online dating to get a vast set of experiences that can help me determine what I like.

 

That's fine, as long as you realise that the blame is on you, because if you put

the blame on them you will end up bitter [i've been there] and impossible to

improve.

 

I came on here to get improvement tips. I am all for feedback so thank you for your point of views.

 

 

This is entitlement.

 

 

 

And sorry but it really isn't. I hear men say all the time that online for them is really difficult because no one responds to them. If I am showing up it means I am there to pay attention to you and I for sure won't be staring off or making underhanded comments, even if I am not sure I see a connection forming of any sort. You are my company until the date is over and I will make you feel that way.

 

Also, if you invite a woman out to a bar, that you frequent, at least be polite and understand that bars can be intimidating to begin with for a woman to meet a man. I read a bunch of reviews on the place before going and felt fine, but it was so noisy and packed that it was hard to just sit down and start chatting like old pals. It was weird and set a bad tone to start with (some guy was screaming in my ear to order drinks, the guy I was meeting couldn't hear what I was saying about the work I do).

[brahmabull117]

Shy women bore me. It just makes me feel like you're not interested in me and that's a huge turnoff

 

 

 

Even a very hot girl who is very shy is a big turn off. I have emotions and I like to feel appreciated and loved too

[fabulousgal]

 

You are women. all you need to do is 'being pretty'

 

If you are not,

you better make it up with your personality....

 

Haha, I have no issues in the looks department, I do think appearing mute/deer caught in headlights won't help no matter how good I look (result of nerves/shyness). I need to find ways to make sure I can be at my best.

 

It's really the inital meeting, and I think I have to try to speak on the phone once or text. I got off the phone just now with another date and I feel like meeting him will be no big deal because I know enough based on short banter to get something going.

[fabulousgal]

 

Even a very hot girl who is very shy is a big turn off

 

I think I agree. While I think my date could have been a bit kinder (he also seemed a bit introverted too!), I was certainly not on my A game. Darn nerves!!

[YellowShark]

Here's the score fabulousgal. I bet once you get to know someone you are not shy. But a date is stressful and kinda feels like a job interview.. so you clam up and become nervous.

 

As someone who has been doing the OLD thing for about a year now you are gonna meet all kinds. Trust me. ALL KINDS. Even the bad ones are oddly fun because they simply become funny dating horror stories.

 

So my advice to you is never meet in a bar. Coffee shop is fine.. not as loud and busy. Plus, order a small coffee/juice so you can politely bail quickly if the date turns out to be a dud. Also in a coffee shop you will rarely be asked, "Wanna 'nother drink?"

 

Just be yourself. No games or fronts. And if it "feels" wrong it is. A really good date should flow naturally, you wont be nervous.. and time should fly by only leaving you wanting more. Don't overthink it. Just go out there and kick some butt. Just remember there are gonna be a lot of frogs online before you find a Prince.