Jump ship or stick it out

[4givrnt4gtr]

So....this morning my bf pissed me off...actually, for the past week or two he has pissed me off in various ways.

 

First, neglected to contact me for two days...only to say later that he had been just busy (even though he had constantly up to now contact me every day).

 

Then, when I came to see him when he was sick, he asks me when I was planning to leave...which pissed me, as I assumed he had wanted me around.

 

But ok, all that has been solved, somewhat, with the help of many of you (yes threads were posted).

 

Then last night he asked me to basically take him out on a date. Plan it, and pay for it. And though I hate to keep count...ive taken him out in at least 4 or 5 dates, where I plan and pay, where he has taken me maybe to 2 or 3. And all that would have been fine and dandy...except, I dont work. Im a student with a part time graduate assistantship. He has a full time, well paid job.

 

And then, the straw the broke the camels back was when he came over this morning. Last night, I kept thinking maybe Im making a big deal of little stupid things, maybe Im just too insecured, maybe its just me. So I messaged him and told him I loved him and I am looking forward to more great nights and days with him. So in any case, he came over, made me coffee, it was lovely.

We then sat down to have the coffee and I tell him that I know I have some issues and I kinda feel bad to put them on him. He goes on and says "yeah actually, remember when we were talking about pets and owners? yeah you remind me of your dog" (who is neurotic, clingy and needy...so much so that we all call him "crazy dog" more than his actual name).

 

So at this point, after all the bs of the past two weeks I was just done. I even said "you know how on friday i said you said things..." and he even completed the sentence for me, "that he shouldn't say"....So he knew that was not ok...why in the world would he say that?

 

In any case, I was just ready to let it go...not then and there, I had to plan it out, discuss and all that...but i was ready to bounce.

 

So I called my mom..and told her what had happened...and she said he was right.

 

She said I WAS clingy and needy and insecured. That I give too much and push men away with this behavior. That even if Im not with him, I need to reevaluate how I behave with them, because thats why my relationships dont last and I have to break up with them. I tried to defend myself, saying I end them because guys treat me like Im dispensable, and she said that its because I act so needy...otherwise they wouldn't act this way and I wouldnt have to end it.

 

So basically...she says its my fault he acts/treats me this way.

 

I then asked a close friend of mine...and she kinda agreed too....she said that perhaps I behave in a way the tells the guys that I NEED them to feel complete. Worst of all, that I give them the impression i am madly in love with them, and then pull the rug from under them and leave them.

 

So now Im super confused...apparently, Ive been going thru relationships all wrong.. Apparently Im supposed to behave differently, hold back and not show so much emotion so that the guys im with dont take me for granted, treat me in a way I dont like and that way I dont have to end the relationship.

 

Could they both be right? Could I be at fault for his insensitivity and his bs?

 

Should I not leave him then? Should I try to change the way I behave instead?

[Philosoraptor]

Come on now. Are you just being yourself and acting naturally? You shouldn't need to change who you are to be with someone.

 

If someone doesn't like you just the way you come then they really aren't the right one for you anyways.

 

You can't go and blame yourself for someone else's actions. If he is being insensitive that is on him. Do you want to continue to deal with it or would you rather find someone who meshes with you a bit better naturally?

[curlygirl40]

Well this is not an either/or.

 

Your mother and friend could be right, but that still doesn't mean that you should stay.

 

It's called a break up because it's broken. Even if it's broken because of the way you have behaved in the relationship, it could still be broken beyond repair.

 

If you end things with him, then take some time to yourself to figure this stuff out before the next time. But just because these things about you might be true does not mean that you should stick it out with this guy.

 

Best of luck

[serial muse]

Well this is not an either/or.

 

Your mother and friend could be right, but that still doesn't mean that you should stay.

 

...

 

just because these things about you might be true does not mean that you should stick it out with this guy.

 

Exactly this.

 

Rereading your other thread, the Communication Issues one, I remember thinking that you do seem to have an issue with communication, in the sense that you wanted him to pick up the tab, but yet you offered and were then upset that he didn't reject your offer. That...well, that's on you. "Say what you mean" is a good maxim to live by. There were several layers of stuff just in that one scenario. I think it's cool that you did pick up the tab, and probably so did your BF, and I don't think that in and of itself indicates anything negative about him. But you also mention in this thread that you pay more often, although you make less money, and it's bugging you - so perhaps you should just bring that up to him instead of stewing about it and wondering whether he's cheap or just clueless?

 

In other words, there's clearly a whole bunch of stuff, including some fundamental expectations, going on in your head that you aren't communicating - possibly out of fear of his response. But that's counterproductive, because those expectations and needs are strong enough that you react anyway (by getting hurt, even by breaking up). And that's very likely completely bewildering to the guy in question. Fear that communicating what you need will turn into someone breaking up or hurting you is, indeed, the flip side of neediness - both suggest that having the relationship is more important than being happy in it. That's not really what you want, right? I mean, worst-case scenario, you tell this guy that you wish he would pay more often, since you're feeling the pinch and don't make much money, and he responds by saying, nope, I don't want to. Well, then - that's a pretty valuable piece of info about him, isn't it?

 

So, yeah, the revelation that maybe you convey neediness in relationships does NOT mean that you have to stay with someone who isn't a good match, as curlygirl noted. But it does mean that maybe, going forward, you should try to be more mindful of what you're thinking vs. what you're saying out loud, and what a partner should be reasonably expected to understand about your needs. And that you should try to find a way to esteem yourself enough to communicate clearly what you need, rather than just hoping he'll figure it out and then becoming disappointed when he doesn't.

Edited July 5, 2012 by serial muse