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Boyfriend doesn't know about our future


EC_Teach

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My boyfriend and I have known each other since we were kids. We grew up together, and have been dating for over 6 1/2 years. We both have steady jobs, and I am about to start working on my second masters degree. Whenever our future gets brought up, his only answer is "I don't know." Marriage, house, kids, anything...it's "I don't know." Any suggestions for me?

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Oxy Moronovich

"I don't know" = guy talk for "no, I don't want marriage and kids yet. But if I say no directly you're gonna start a long, annoying argument over it and start resenting me. So I'll just say I don't know to toss away the issue."

 

I noticed something. When a guy pressures a woman for sex, he's evil. When a woman pressures a man for marriage and kids, no one bats an eye because she's just being a woman. This is despite the fact that marriage and kids are a greater committment than sex. Women need to get a handle on backwards behavior.

 

I once had an ex who said she kinda thought I was a gross jerk for pressuring her for sex too soon. Months later, I was a selfish jerk for not giving in to her pressure for marriage. Ridiculous.

 

I don't know if it's true, but some chicks on this board said they their bfs they dated for years wouldn't marry them only to dump them, get into another relationship, and marry that new chick within a few months. That may or may not happen, but it's idiotic to think that kinda stuff happens the majority of time with men.

 

When men say "no" to marriage, most of the time the issue of financial stability comes into play. Even if I've known a chick since I was in diapers, I won't marry her until I am financially stable to start a family. Most women, reasoning based on emotions, will never understand this.

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Six and a half years is long enough for him to decide whether or not he wants to marry you. I think you should give him an ultimatum: if he is unwilling to marry in the next year or whatever; move on.

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I think you should give him an ultimatum: if he is unwilling to marry in the next year or whatever; move on.

 

I have. I still get the "I don't know" answer.

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I have. I still get the "I don't know" answer.

Then start planning your exit and let him know, i.e. "Apartments in such and such city are really cheap" or "If I got a job there I could walk to work," etc.

 

If I were you, I'd want to move far away for a change of scenery and entire social network to start a new life. This guy is like an anchor around your neck from the sound of it. He's become a habit. As if six and a half years isn't enough, he's basically known you for his entire life!

 

And don't make empty threats. Follow through. If he says, "Yeah we'll get married," get a ring and a date and make a public announcement. Otherwise he'll keep stalling.

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lospantalonsfancie
Then start planning your exit and let him know, i.e. "Apartments in such and such city are really cheap" or "If I got a job there I could walk to work," etc.

 

If I were you, I'd want to move far away for a change of scenery and entire social network to start a new life. This guy is like an anchor around your neck from the sound of it. He's become a habit. As if six and a half years isn't enough, he's basically known you for his entire life!

 

And don't make empty threats. Follow through. If he says, "Yeah we'll get married," get a ring and a date and make a public announcement. Otherwise he'll keep stalling.

 

Wow. Do you even hear yourself talk? Look at what you wrote!!! You are advocating FORCING a guy into marriage AGAINST HIS WILL! Are you willing to marry a guy who doesn't want to marry you, but is only doing it because you forced his hand by threatening to take away his "boyfriend priviliges"? Isn't it a prerequisite for successful marriage that both parties be willing and enthusiastic participants in the venture?

 

Everything you say makes the analogy with guys pressuring women for sex all the more apropos.

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Wow. Do you even hear yourself talk? Look at what you wrote!!! You are advocating FORCING a guy into marriage AGAINST HIS WILL! Are you willing to marry a guy who doesn't want to marry you, but is only doing it because you forced his hand by threatening to take away his "boyfriend priviliges"? Isn't it a prerequisite for successful marriage that both parties be willing and enthusiastic participants in the venture?

 

Everything you say makes the analogy with guys pressuring women for sex all the more apropos.

 

That's not forcing anything. If OPs bf isn't prepared to give her what she wants, she should walk. She wants marriage, they have been together for 6.5 yrs. Those are the facts. "Not ready" at 6.5 years is a cop out and pathetic, if he isn't ready now odds are he never will be. op would be wise to tell him she is willing to give one more year (or whatever) and then is walking.

 

Also it's not taking away boyfriend privileges, it's BREAKING UP.

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If he is saying I don't know....then he is saying no.

He has had more than 6 years. He knows. His answer is that he doesn't want to marry you. Don't waste another 6 years on him.

 

If you want marriage, leave this man and meet one that is looking for the same things.

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That's not forcing anything. If OPs bf isn't prepared to give her what she wants, she should walk. She wants marriage, they have been together for 6.5 yrs. Those are the facts. "Not ready" at 6.5 years is a cop out and pathetic, if he isn't ready now odds are he never will be. op would be wise to tell him she is willing to give one more year (or whatever) and then is walking.

 

Also it's not taking away boyfriend privileges, it's BREAKING UP.

 

Co-signed.

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Wow. Do you even hear yourself talk? Look at what you wrote!!! You are advocating FORCING a guy into marriage AGAINST HIS WILL! Are you willing to marry a guy who doesn't want to marry you, but is only doing it because you forced his hand by threatening to take away his "boyfriend priviliges"? Isn't it a prerequisite for successful marriage that both parties be willing and enthusiastic participants in the venture?

 

Everything you say makes the analogy with guys pressuring women for sex all the more apropos.

 

+1 - ultimatums are not the answer.

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CarboniteCammy

My suggestion is that if your biological clock is ticking and you want to settle down and if this guy isn't on the same page you are, to exit the relationship.

 

You don't want to force someone to commit that isn't there with you 100% all the way. It will make for an unequally yoked partnership. It's much easier to have a future with someone if they have the same goals you do about the future.

 

yes, starting over sucks. dating sucks. But, at least that way you'd give yourself the chance to find someone that you can really share your life with in a way that this guy can't provide. I'm sure he's a great guy, you probably wouldn't have dated him so long, otherwise.

 

My thought process is that women only have so long that we can reproduce with out significant worries over genetic disorders, difficult births, etc. Men can reproduce up to their 70's without really having to worry about all of the stuff. So yeah, to him, there's probably no rush.

 

Before my husband came along, I was in a relationship for three years with a guy who was up in the air over kids, getting married, etc. Over the course of our relationship, he never changed his mind. He's 35 now, and still isn't married and still doesn't have kids. That's fine for him, but that wouldn't have cut it for me.

 

****I'm not advocating giving an ultimatum in this case. Honestly, I'd just dump the guy and move on.

Edited by CarboniteCammy
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My boyfriend and I have known each other since we were kids. We grew up together, and have been dating for over 6 1/2 years. We both have steady jobs, and I am about to start working on my second masters degree. Whenever our future gets brought up, his only answer is "I don't know." Marriage, house, kids, anything...it's "I don't know." Any suggestions for me?

 

EC,

Did you ever try to actually discuss things with him when he says "I dunno"?

 

can't you just say "Ok, you know marriage is important to me and I'd like for us to talk about it, if you have concerns and fears about the commitment about the financial aspect of it, about anything really, I think we should discuss it"

 

I do think that to be in a relationship, the couple should be able to discuss pretty much anything and talk about the issues.

 

If he is unwilling to even talk about it at all - then is this really the guy you want to be with?

 

If you do talk, listen to what he is saying, don't judge him, don't make him feel bad. Evaluate what the issues are and talk together about a plan.

 

If he simply just says "I dunno" then this guy doesn't want to marry you - Then certainly don't pressure him, don't guilt him, don't try at all to be with someone that's not wanting to be with you - simply cut ties and move on so that you can find what makes you happy.

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AGREED with TIGER CLUB - couples should be able to talk about anything. The fact he is not willing to elaborate more and talk it through with you is a bad sign.

 

Another thing - couples have to be on the same page, regarding marriage. Some couples are genuinely IN LOVE - yet are not into the marriage thing.. they wait 8, 10, or even more years, before out of the blue, lean towards marriage.

While most people know sooner, within 3 - 4 years, if marriage is on the cards, there are others who are very much in love, yet simply are not marriage minded.

 

It may not be you, he may not be marriage minded - unfrotunately, he has not even discussed that with you; the fact he justs said NO, is a huge red flag. He could have at least reassures you that " look, I love you enough to get married, but I reallt do not care much for marriage in general, it is not something I need to show you my love".

 

You need to flat out ask him " look, are you marriage minded at all, and open to marriage with the right women? OR, am I the women you want to spend your life with, but marriage is not part of that package for you?"

If you want to spend your life with him, make sure he feels just as strongly.

 

My bf and I do no want to get married right awa, after 1.5 years, but I have talked to him about our views on it, so we are not mis matched in our views on it later down the track!

And he said yes, he would love to marry me, by the way:D Just not yet with no money or means of a fun occasion.

Getting more stable from my mental problems is also another thing he wants to see. Obviously!:p:o:D

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My ex did the same thing to me. After 2 years he still didnt know and he wasnt ready so I told him to move out. He got his own place and we have been broken up for a year (this month). It hurt like hell for 6 months but we are both in a better place and still good friends. 6 1/2 is too long to still guess he if loves you enough to marry you. My guess is no. Im sorry...

 

Bigger and better things await you my dear

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