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Good enough to sleep with but not date?


zanesfan

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I have been casually "dating" this guy for 6 months on and off. We are not exclusive because he is not ready for a relationship. This is very hard to deal with.

I often get bored, lonely, and horny so we begin to start back on this dysfunctional ride . I am constantly back and forth. One minute I care for him and the next I dont want to see him again. I told him the best thing for me to do is surrender because Im going to fall in love and I want my feelings to be reciporcated. He told me its okay to fall in love. Even though he doesnt want a commitment he gives me some of the same treatments a bf would. He comes over and cooks, he cuddles with me after, we usually stay together for 24 hours, Ive met his brothers, he tells me he misses me and cant wait to see me, he has said he doesnt want me to date other men (at the beginning it was ok), and we communicate daily as well. I told him I didnt want him to be with other girls period.Its still not enough. I dont get dates or the exclusiveness.

I dont want to leave just because we dont have a title. We are 29-30 btw. Even though he says no one is in the pic I dont fully believe him. Its a mess. Ive tried to leave but he reels me back in and its partially because Im not mentally ready to leave yet. Ive tried dating other people but it always flop. I KNOW I am wasting my time. In desperate need of advice..

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He is cake eating. He wants the benefits of having a relationship without being in one, and keeping you on the hook, effectively manipulating you to keep you from having a satisfying relationship. Does this satisfy you at all?

 

Once he meets the one he wants to commit to, he will drop you like a bad habit and his justification will be...."but we aren't in a relationship, you knew we weren't exclusive!!!!" because he wasn't, even though he expected you to be. Do you really want that for yourself? Humph...

 

 

Do not continue to audition to be his girlfriend, as long as you do, you will never have what you want. Let this dude go and find someone who will happily reciprocate.

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He is cake eating. He wants the benefits of having a relationship without being in one, and keeping you on the hook, effectively manipulating you to keep you from having a satisfying relationship. Does this satisfy you at all?

 

Once he meets the one he wants to commit to, he will drop you like a bad habit and his justification will be...."but we aren't in a relationship, you knew we weren't exclusive!!!!" because he wasn't, even though he expected you to be. Do you really want that for yourself? Humph...

 

 

Do not continue to audition to be his girlfriend, as long as you do, you will never have what you want. Let this dude go and find someone who will happily reciprocate.

 

Amazingly true words here...100% agree.

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Ruby Slippers

shayla nailed it. Move on and find a guy who likes you enough to have a complete relationship with you. You had some good times with him - leave before you get hurt any more.

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Beware of the counter-offer of some of what you want if/when you choose to leave. The dark side can be very persuasive.

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Exactly what shayla said. I've been in that situation and quickly realised it was going nowhere so got out before I fell too deeply. x

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mortensorchid

NO CONTACT.

 

Make a clean break and move on - phone calls, texts, IMs, etc. You know that what you are doing is wrong and a waste of time, you said so yourself in the original post. You will like yourself much better when you don't have this monkey on your back.

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I agree with everyone. My feelings are already invested into this.. it makes it harder. Yes, Ive auditioned for this gf part and I still dont have it. Im like what is so bad about me that you dont want to make a commitment to me?

 

Ive pleased this man in every sense of the word. I dont act clingy, I've cooked for him, Ive taken him out (once) when he was stressed from work, I dont screw other men, I am honest with him, Ive given his ass a pedicure, Ive done EVERYTHING imaginable sex wise to please him (which he loves!), I try to encourage him when things are bad.... but for what? The **** doesnt add up.

 

Yet, I still only see him once a week, he still hasnt taken me out, I know he has other women because his phone vibrates wayyy to much (the extinct of their relationship I dont know). I feel like a complete and utter fool! Im tired of getting played. I cant even focus on another man because Im so far up his ass.

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Ruby Slippers

You are playing the fool.

 

Most of us have done it at least once.

 

Now stop. It's time to play something else. Like sexy lady who knows what she wants and doesn't waste time with deadbeats. Trust me, you will meet way better guys this way. I'm living proof. :D

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Only you can change this dynamic. Stop talking to him. He is a waste of time. You have been rolling out the red carpet for him and all he has to offer you is hanging out once a week? Please...tell this dude to kick rocks and go meet a better man.

 

If you cannot focus on another man right now, cool. Focus on you. Be your own best friend, your own savior, your own hero and get rid of this thing that is masquerading as a man.

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I agree with everyone. My feelings are already invested into this.. it makes it harder. Yes, Ive auditioned for this gf part and I still dont have it. Im like what is so bad about me that you dont want to make a commitment to me?

 

Ive pleased this man in every sense of the word. I dont act clingy, I've cooked for him, Ive taken him out (once) when he was stressed from work, I dont screw other men, I am honest with him, Ive given his ass a pedicure, Ive done EVERYTHING imaginable sex wise to please him (which he loves!), I try to encourage him when things are bad.... but for what? The **** doesnt add up.

 

Yet, I still only see him once a week, he still hasnt taken me out, I know he has other women because his phone vibrates wayyy to much (the extinct of their relationship I dont know). I feel like a complete and utter fool! Im tired of getting played. I cant even focus on another man because Im so far up his ass.

 

My ex gf did the same crap to me after we broke up she would continue to suck me back in and play games. I know how frustrated you feel, but your gunna have to cut the chored on this guy, or you'll never be able to meet someone worthy of you. Its something that if you let it go any further he'll just dump you anyway because hes used you for all its worth and then rub his new girl in your face. Do you really want that? Get rid of him now or you'll never find happiness.

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I initiallly wasn't going to post since Shayla spelled it out for you (also carhill imo), but after your last post if you are going to find it real difficult to go NC. Get him a little jealous, let him know you are going out on dates or when he comes over next time, have some flowers or chocolates on the table sitting on top of gift wrapping paper, to prompt him to ask who gave you these, have one of your gf txt a bit when he is over there and be evasive as to who is contacting you, or for your get togethers..break the dates and switch it to another day. I know some people will say its bs to do this to hook a guy, but its just an option to try an change the dynamic here/escalate an outcome.

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I did lol. Quite devious isnt it. Im loving the flowers and chocolate idea. However I told him that I was gonna seek out other men who was willing to give me what I wanted. He didnt take to kindly to that. I could hear it in his tone of voice. He said, "Why would you say you are going to be with another dude... are you trying to get a response from me?That is not necessary. Im doing everything Im suppose to do."

 

Also in a text he said If I had intentions on sleeping with someone or if I wanted to be with someone he didnt want to be a part of that. When I called him out on having other women he talked to he claimed they were friends, he wasnt married and I was the only one he was sleeping with. I told him I wasnt married either and if I didnt want to be with someone who didnt want to be exclusive or having women text him all day.. I didnt want to deal with that.

 

This man is VERY handsome. So I know he could probably get any woman he wants-- on top of that he is a smooth talker.

Edited by zanesfan
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This man is VERY handsome. So I know he could probably get any woman he wants-- on top of that he is a smooth talker.

 

It's interesting that these are the only qualities you have pointed out about this guy.

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It's interesting that these are the only qualities you have pointed out about this guy.

 

Your right. Of course this isnt solely why Im with him-- but before women/men see anything else they are going to see the physical part first. And I was trying to make a point not necessarily why Im with him.

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Ruby Slippers

Drop this bum! Do we have to fly by your house with a skywriting show?

 

He's a sexy deadbeat. If he cared about you and had half a brain cell, he would be taking you on dates, NOT texting all his woman "friends". He'd be supporting you in feeling secure as his woman.

 

He either doesn't like you enough to do that, or he's so lazy/selfish/stupid/whatever that he's incapable. Neither is acceptable.

 

He will do the least possible to keep having sex with you. Like many other gullible women, you are excusing his lameness and trying to convince yourself that his good looks and charm are enough for you. They're obviously not.

 

You are better than this!

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I agree with everyone. My feelings are already invested into this.. it makes it harder. Yes, Ive auditioned for this gf part and I still dont have it. Im like what is so bad about me that you dont want to make a commitment to me?

 

Ive pleased this man in every sense of the word. I dont act clingy, I've cooked for him, Ive taken him out (once) when he was stressed from work, I dont screw other men, I am honest with him, Ive given his ass a pedicure, Ive done EVERYTHING imaginable sex wise to please him (which he loves!), I try to encourage him when things are bad.... but for what? The **** doesnt add up.

 

Yet, I still only see him once a week, he still hasnt taken me out, I know he has other women because his phone vibrates wayyy to much (the extinct of their relationship I dont know). I feel like a complete and utter fool! Im tired of getting played. I cant even focus on another man because Im so far up his ass.

 

This is how it all starts. Downhill that is, for him. What I mean is you are trying to change the person he is. You just can't do that, no ultimatum you throw his way can change him. Sure, short term it may, but eventually he will just end up lying to you over things and the next thing you know he resents you. Not an ideal outcome.

 

See, I never get this part about the female gender. The man has straight up told you he is not sleeping with anyone else. Yet, you question him in this regard. As if he lying to you. From what you have posted you really have no reason to doubt his word unless you can provide us with hard evidence to counter that, why are you questioning it? I am simply going by what little information you have provided.

 

I have been in situations such as him before and I am hear to tell you trying to manipulate someone into a "title" as you put it, or change his behavior is only going to bring you grief. What is your big hurry? This is not a relationship you have, you said yourself, six months of "on and off" does not equal exclusivity for either of you. He can do as he pleases. I certainly would.

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There is no emotional connection here. So yes, it doesn't matter what you do, he will not make you his girlfriend. No amount of sex will change this.

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...he will not make you his girlfriend. No amount of sex will change this.

 

Well, she did say she cooked for him. I'd try making him brownies. That might work. I like brownies...I'm sure he does too... :)

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zanesfan[/b] ]

This man is VERY handsome. So I know he could probably get any woman he wants-- on top of that he is a smooth talker.

 

It's interesting that these are the only qualities you have pointed out about this guy.

 

She also forgot to mention that he's hung like a chipmunk...

Edited by Solo34
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This is how it all starts. Downhill that is, for him. What I mean is you are trying to change the person he is. You just can't do that, no ultimatum you throw his way can change him. Sure, short term it may, but eventually he will just end up lying to you over things and the next thing you know he resents you. Not an ideal outcome.

 

See, I never get this part about the female gender. The man has straight up told you he is not sleeping with anyone else. Yet, you question him in this regard. As if he lying to you. From what you have posted you really have no reason to doubt his word unless you can provide us with hard evidence to counter that, why are you questioning it? I am simply going by what little information you have provided.

 

I have been in situations such as him before and I am hear to tell you trying to manipulate someone into a "title" as you put it, or change his behavior is only going to bring you grief. What is your big hurry? This is not a relationship you have, you said yourself, six months of "on and off" does not equal exclusivity for either of you. He can do as he pleases. I certainly would.

 

Sid, originally he asked to take me out to a dinner and movie. I wasnt really into him at the time so I didnt take him up on that offer. Few weeks goes by and we start hanging out at my place. I told him that if I was going to be intimate with someone it would have to be exclusive. He AGREED! I told him I didnt want to have sex just to be having sex. He UNDERSTOOD! It was ALL a ploy to get me into the sack. The only thing he stressed and that he didnt believe in titles and it was too early to make things official but he wasnt closed to idea of a relationship. When we started having sex the mask came off. He didnt want a relationship because of work, he didnt want to spend his money because it wasnt the responsible thing to do, and he didnt care if we saw other people. But it was never too early to **** me?

 

The first night he stayed at my house he went outside around midnight and stayed for two hours. He did this twice before I called him out on it. He said he was talking to his brother on the phone------> bs! His phone vibrates allllll night every night we are together. No one and I mean one phones goes off in the manner it does just from friends. Even on fb there are signs of girls he may possibly entertain.

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Sid, originally he asked to take me out to a dinner and movie. I wasnt really into him at the time so I didnt take him up on that offer. Few weeks goes by and we start hanging out at my place. I told him that if I was going to be intimate with someone it would have to be exclusive. He AGREED! I told him I didnt want to have sex just to be having sex. He UNDERSTOOD! It was ALL a ploy to get me into the sack. The only thing he stressed and that he didnt believe in titles and it was too early to make things official but he wasnt closed to idea of a relationship. When we started having sex the mask came off. He didnt want a relationship because of work, he didnt want to spend his money because it wasnt the responsible thing to do, and he didnt care if we saw other people. But it was never too early to **** me?

 

The first night he stayed at my house he went outside around midnight and stayed for two hours. He did this twice before I called him out on it. He said he was talking to his brother on the phone------> bs! His phone vibrates allllll night every night we are together. No one and I mean one phones goes off in the manner it does just from friends. Even on fb there are signs of girls he may possibly entertain.

 

Guy is a complete jerk and he still has you you bedding him down. And people think I a off my rocker for suggesting such a thing. Go figure.

 

Anyway, this is about you and whether this is acceptable to you. So, the bottom line is what are you going to do about it?

 

If his behavior is pissing you off so bad, why are you putting up with it? If he is such a jerk, leave! Get out. This is your problem, not his. You determine the outcome of your own life, do you not? If you allow this impediment to obscure what you want, well, you get what is coming to you.

 

Decision time, dear. Is this acceptable to you, or is it not? Forget about changing who he is or his behavior. This is on you. Be a doormat or determine the future outcome you desire without him being involved.

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I think some male terminology might help here. This is what I've picked up from the guys I've chatted to online (fully admitted by them, I might say):

 

'I like you' = I'm feeling horny and I fancy your body.

 

'When can we meet?' = I'm feeling horny and want you to say "right now this minute".

 

'Relationship' = wanting sexual relations with a woman - nothing more nor less - not at all the same thing that women understand it means.

 

'Exclusive' = means he wants you to be sexually exclusive to him. It does not mean he wants a commitment with you, an emotional relationship or that he wants to be sexually exclusive with you. It means he doesn't want you sleeping with other guys while he is.

 

'Love' = a word he says in the heat of the moment when he thinks he's on the point of getting sex.

 

But ironically:

 

'Don't want a relationship' or 'not ready for a relationship' = just wants sex with you and no form of commitment.

 

'Don't like to define a relationship' = won't call you my girlfriend or ask you to marry me because I want sex and I know I'll be moving on in the future.

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Sid, originally he asked to take me out to a dinner and movie. I wasnt really into him at the time so I didnt take him up on that offer. Few weeks goes by and we start hanging out at my place. I told him that if I was going to be intimate with someone it would have to be exclusive. He AGREED! I told him I didnt want to have sex just to be having sex. He UNDERSTOOD! It was ALL a ploy to get me into the sack. The only thing he stressed and that he didnt believe in titles and it was too early to make things official but he wasnt closed to idea of a relationship. When we started having sex the mask came off. He didnt want a relationship because of work, he didnt want to spend his money because it wasnt the responsible thing to do, and he didnt care if we saw other people. But it was never too early to **** me?

 

The first night he stayed at my house he went outside around midnight and stayed for two hours. He did this twice before I called him out on it. He said he was talking to his brother on the phone------> bs! His phone vibrates allllll night every night we are together. No one and I mean one phones goes off in the manner it does just from friends. Even on fb there are signs of girls he may possibly entertain.

 

What does it matter how much his phone goes off? He is telling you that out right that he is not going to commit . Why not listen to that, stop focusing on other signs. This relationship is going no where. Chalk it up to fun times and high tail your ass out of there. Please.

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