Wanting to know more about her past relationship: is she ready for a new relationship

[Babolat]

I have been dating a girl for a little over 2 months. It's going well, we both feel a connection, we have a lot in common and we are enjoying spending time together. I miss her when we are apart, which is a first for me in a long time.

 

Me: Mid 40s, married 2 times (first one very young), seperated\divorced 14+ months ago. No kids. Been dating for 10+ months, nothing too serious.

 

Her: Early 40s, not married, teenage daughter, a few engagements that were called off, I think all by her.

 

I think her last relationship was very serious, like we are getting married serious. My guess from connecting dots with what she has shared is it was a 6+year relationship, where they lived together the past 5+ years, My best guess is she ended the relationship within the past 4 - 6 months.

 

She has been very honest with me when I ask questions about her life and her relationships. I asked her recently if the last relationship was 100% over and if she was "new" relationship healthy, an immediate Yes and Yes. And I believe her.

 

I am the first person she has dated since this relationship ended. She had a few 1 - 2 date dates. Nothing serious.

 

I am concered with this past relationship, that is was a long term relationship and that I could be a rebound. I think my concern stems from a rebound I had last summer. I do not want to be a rebound. I am really starting to like her and I do not want to get hurt. I shared my rebound story with her in hopes she would respond, though she just listened. I could be wrong but I think I see some of the same "rebound" things I said and did when I was dating a rebound girl this summer. Or, I could just be looking for this in her.

 

I keep wanting to ask her for time periods, so I can "do my own math" and figure out how long the relationship lasted, has she had enough time to heal, etc....though I do not. I start to wonder why does it matter; if she feels ready I should not judge her.

 

I do not want to come across as needy, clingy or insecure either. I am not either, I am simply starting to really like her, the first girl I have felt this strong about in a loooong time, and I want to make sure she is ready.

 

I want to note, I have never been one to ask about previous relationships. I think the past 10+ months of dating for me is on my mind, especially my rebound, and that is what's causing me to think this way. I thought I was ready then. I now know I was not.

 

So, should I ask for more details, like time frames..how long, when did it end, etc?

[veggirl]

You can and should ask her when her last relationship ended. I mean if she ended a 6 yr relationship 2 mos before you got together...then yeah you are most likely a rebound and I would be very hesitant to continue if it were me.

 

It's not clingy or needy to ask. I'm not huge on discussing past relationships, unless it is needed. I'd say in your case it is needed.

[Babolat]

I have been trying to think of the best way to pose the question, should I decide to do so.

 

Do I tell her I am concerned about being a rebound, then ask? Or simply saked "How long was the relationship and when did it end?". I volunteered this information regarding my marriage, she has not volunteered this yet, which is also on my mind.

 

 

Thanks

[veggirl]

I wouldn't bring up the rebound thing to start with because she will deflect and probably just be like "Omg no babe you are not a rebound, how could you think that? Don't worry about my past relationship, it's over" or something. Just ask her flat out when it ended and how long it was. It's really not a strange question to ask. If she asks why, just tell her that you were curious, and that you shared that info with her. You don't have to be accusatory or anything like that, just ask.

[chapter44]

As a person going through this very same thing now I would advise you to take a wait and see approach. Things will become evident very fast but make sure you listen to your intuition. Back off a bit and try not to get so emotionally attached until you know for sure she is ready to be in a new relationship. You have only been seeing her for a short time and as things evolve and different situations come up you will know whether or not you are a priority to her.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Babolat]

She has made me a priority in my opinion and I do feel that from her. She works hard to find time in her life for us to be together. I usually have to wait to hear from her on when she is available as she is going thru a lot of transitions right now. Her daughter is also a priority, as she should be.

 

My intuition tells me I like this girl. I over analyze things when we are apart, so I know that is getting in the way. If I had not been thru a rebound myself last year post separation, I do not think I would be thinking about this.

 

I think a lot of what I am feeling is a fear of getting hurt...a fear of being vulnerable...this is the first girl since my marriage ended that I have had feelings for, and well, it scares me a little though I am also very excited. I have shared some personal things with her, and she has not run away. She has shared some very personal things with me too..and I am still here.

 

I play it cool...I do not come on too strong..I give her her space...yet I am curious about this past relationship..and it's not like me to be THAT curious. I think her current transition is on my mind (lots of changes going on for her) and my rebound last summer is on my mind.

 

I also wonder, once things calm down for her, will she say goodbye to me when she maybe realizes I was there to help her thru this transition. I do not want to be that guy in her life. I would prefer to stop seeing her, let her work thru all of her transitions, they we get together.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[g450]

I wouldnt read too much into it because even rebound relationships can turn into something good.

 

Hell even with my Fiancee I am even now still finding stuff out about her and all her ex boyfriends, fb etc. How do you think I feel when I learn about yet another ex bf?

 

I just dont read too much into it. I know about all the serious ones and those are the guys I tend to keep an ear and eye out for. From what I see now, I dont have much to worry about.

 

It's sad how infidelity and divorce turns a person into a hypervigilant human being. Not that I dont trust her, I do. But Im like Ronald Reagan in the cold war. Trust but verify. If that makes any sense.

[Babolat]

I wouldnt read too much into it because even rebound relationships can turn into something good.

 

Hell even with my Fiancee I am even now still finding stuff out about her and all her ex boyfriends, fb etc. How do you think I feel when I learn about yet another ex bf?

 

I just dont read too much into it. I know about all the serious ones and those are the guys I tend to keep an ear and eye out for. From what I see now, I dont have much to worry about.

 

It's sad how infidelity and divorce turns a person into a hypervigilant human being. Not that I dont trust her, I do. But Im like Ronald Reagan in the cold war. Trust but verify. If that makes any sense.

 

I get this as it's how I feel. I feel a very strong connection to her, so does she to me. It's moved slowly, we see each other once a week on a good week, our dates are long though. We spend a lot of time talking and just being with each other. I think we are both cautious because of our past relationship(s). I want her to share at her own pace..yet I am still curious.

 

She is going thru some major life transitions right now and it makes it a challenge for us to see each other. Sometimes I thing right girl, wrong time but then I calm down and try to think about all of the good I see in her.