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Am I stingy like he saysss?


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Old 29th May 2012, 7:25 PM   #1
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Am I stingy like he saysss?

Hiii dear loving people,

I would like your opinions on this.. this problem has been coming up in my current relationship so often that it's starting to make me awkward around my bf and influencing our relationship..

We've been together for 2 years now and he's staying over at my appartment 4, 5 days a week. Rest of the time he lives with his parents.
In the beginning of this year, he didn't have a car, so for 5 months I picked him up every night and drove him back in the morning before going to work/school. I never asked him to pay any bill of mine, nor have I ever asked him to gas up my tank. I don't even think about it because I do it for love.. (Even though he lives 20 minutes a walk away from me so he can easily come and go by himself)

Until he got rid of his car, pretty much everything we did was 50/50. EVEN THOUGH we were always staying at my house.. I still didn't care. I thought I'm the one with a house.. he would've done the same for me.

But now, since I had to pay so much for gas, and I'm only a student with a side job and a student loan and i have to pay for my whole appartment by myself, he started paying for groceries and dinners. Because i simply don't have the money to go 50/50.

Then he got a car. He still kept paying for dinners and groceries. tbh I thought of this as normal. After all I never said a word about him staying at my house for 2 years and still paid everything half half..It was only when i started to play his chauffeur when he started paying for stuff! So after he got a car, I still let him pay for those things. In the end I'm a student, paying for an appartment where we both enjoy each other..cook together etc etc.

About a month after he got his car, he started complaining about how I always wanted to do fun stuff with him but never had any money, and how he always had to do the grocery shopping...It's clearly bugging him things aren't 50/50 anymore.. He started saying I'm the one who's stingy and not him, because i was always joking about his stinginess.

He bought an oven for my house in which we cooked a lot together, when we broke up during a fight he came to pick up his stuff, he took the oven also. Saying he bought it for me out of love, and now I'm beng hateful to him so he takes it back...

We went on a holiday.. I paid half the hotel amounts, I paid half of the amounts for gas, he paid for most dinners next to his share of the half.. When we were fighting when we got back, he started saying, if everything would have been even, you would've spent a whole lot more money.. you didn't even pay for dinner once.

Wehad planned anther holiday together, but I had to cancel it and paid the cancellation fee, simply because I didn't have money to spend there after paying the hotel and gas and I didn't ever want to hear him nag about it during a fight again..

He always brings these things up during fights, so I know it must've been lingering and bugging his mind all the time.. and he only brings it up during a fight..

I'm truly ashamed when I hear my girlfriends say their boyfriends gave them money on this or that evening to go out, i never speak about it or expect anyting from him, but this much is just too much for me..

I go to uni, have a side job next to it, pay for my appartment and try to do fun things next to it.. He lives with his parents and gets a whole salary by himself every months.. no rent no nothing..

Yet he's always complaining that I'm selfish and i spend my money on stupid things when I have it..He says this because I spent a fair amount on hair extensions the other month..He buys himself ipads and stuff like that all the tme.. I never ask anything or make n0 remark at all...

I don't know folks... am I stingy?? Because in my opinion... he very very much is.. but he's trying to turn the tables..??

(He did but me perfume twice, flowers and a yoga class card during these two years..but those were gifts for special ocassions)

O gosh.. bit long I notice
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Old 29th May 2012, 7:34 PM   #2
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From what you've written here, you do not sound stingy.

He says you spend your money on "stupid things" - what would he RATHER you spend it on? Doing things for/with him?

His attitudes about money and splitting everything would be very concerning for me when considering moving forward with him in a relationship.

When you are together, you are a team. You work together. It's not about some tally of who spends what.
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Old 29th May 2012, 7:40 PM   #3
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Thank you pteromom...

''His attitudes about money and splitting everything would be very concerning for me when considering moving forward with him in a relationship''

This was my concern also..Especially since we were sort of living together in MY house...

and yes.. he said he thought I was selfish to spend the first big amount I get to myself and not for us..
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Old 29th May 2012, 7:47 PM   #4
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and yes.. he said he thought I was selfish to spend the first big amount I get to myself and not for us..
He is entitled to that opinion. And you are entitled to spend your money on what you want.

I would have a very serious convo about money with him. You need to be on the same page when it comes to finances.

I would suggest that you add up all the expenses (including contributions to a vacation account), then split the expenses fairly (based on percentage of income for each of you), use your own money to pay any bills that aren't joint use (your personal credit card, car, etc) and the rest of your money is yours to do with what you wish.

Definitely work this out before even TALKING about marriage or kids.
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Old 29th May 2012, 7:55 PM   #5
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I tried this already! But he simply refuses to regard the money I spend on my house eg. mortgage, gas, electricity, water, as his responsibility.

He says that I would have used the same amounts if he weren't around, or even if it did make a difference, in his opinion it is such a small amount, we can't even discuss it. Then he joked and asked me how much he should pay per night.. to stay at this hotel, to make fun of me even bringing the matter up..

I only brought the house bills up though because he made such a big deal about the dinners and groceries

I'm starting to believe I can't ever be cimfortable around a person so concerned with money in a relationship..Lately he's even avoiding cooking together and I just know he does this to avoid the groceries :S
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Old 29th May 2012, 8:00 PM   #6
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He says that I would have used the same amounts if he weren't around, or even if it did make a difference, in his opinion it is such a small amount, we can't even discuss it. Then he joked and asked me how much he should pay per night.. to stay at this hotel, to make fun of me even bringing the matter up..
Ummmm... if he had HIS own place, he'd be spending this money as well! So sharing a place with you, he is actually SAVING half of what he'd be spending at his own place.

The fact that he considers your place a "hotel" he is staying at shows you he takes no ownership or responsibility for the house at all. He doesn't consider you LIVING TOGETHER. He is just staying at YOUR place.

Yeh - I think you are right that there are some big red flags here. The main one is that when you try to discuss a situation which is serious to you, he berates you and turns it into a joke.

Funny that he doesn't want to spend HIS money on YOU - he only wants YOU to spend YOUR money on HIM.
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Old 29th May 2012, 8:14 PM   #7
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I hadn't even looked at it from that angle! Now that I read it.. very very true, it's weird how you don't see those things when you're involved!
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Old 29th May 2012, 8:47 PM   #8
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No you don't sound stingy, if he doesn't chip in for your rent and utilities, yet spends lots of time at your place, he's the one not carrying his share. It's also fair for you to mention all the driving you did for him when he didn't have a car in a "how quickly you forget" way. Show him the utility bills and rent checks when he starts down that road and ask him if he wants to help with those because he likely uses your place as a home away from his folks and shouldn't be complaining at all.
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Old 29th May 2012, 9:01 PM   #9
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Why don't you two set up a dating budget?

You pay apartment bills, he lives with his parents. Those things should be independent of a dating budget. Let's say you have $100 a month for dating. Both add in $50 independent of your personal living/career situations.

You both have different background lifestyles. Unless you both come from exactly the same backdrop it will never be even. But you can have an agreed upon dating fund which can include gas for driving to places If you have an agreed upon budget that is feasible for both then you have a good base. Only after an agreed upon budget is set do you plan dates. This way you aren't planning some elaborate vacation that is way outside your salary.

Money is a big reason for divorce. I would definitely learn how to budget together before getting married!
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Old 29th May 2012, 9:08 PM   #10
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You're not stingy. Tell him to get an apt of his own before he can tell you your own house isn't part of his responsibility. That's a very selfish and immature thing for him to say, you would think he be more considerate to consider your situation.
If money is the main problem, cut back on expenses and go on less vacations.
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Old 29th May 2012, 9:09 PM   #11
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The dating budget is a good idea..I will definitely bring it up with him

However..doesn't it count at all that he's staying at my place most of the week for 2 years? And I never mention any bills or anything but he does mention oaying for dinners? It just feels unfair you know..

Him telling me it bugs him I want to go out with him when I don't have any money feels like me saying to him, you wanna sleep with me when you don't have a house!
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Old 29th May 2012, 9:12 PM   #12
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You're not stingy. Tell him to get an apt of his own before he can tell you your own house isn't part of his responsibility. That's a very selfish and immature thing for him to say, you would think he be more considerate to consider your situation.
If money is the main problem, cut back on expenses and go on less vacations.

Yes indeed I told him that.. He wanted to register as living with me, stay for a couple iof months until he got his own place and he said he would pay for groceries during his stay.. It got me upset how inconsiderate he was being so I told him no just get your own place right away..Then he said he couldn't trust me to help him out..sigh
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Old 29th May 2012, 9:15 PM   #13
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The dating budget is a good idea..I will definitely bring it up with him

However..doesn't it count at all that he's staying at my place most of the week for 2 years? And I never mention any bills or anything but he does mention oaying for dinners? It just feels unfair you know..

Him telling me it bugs him I want to go out with him when I don't have any money feels like me saying to him, you wanna sleep with me when you don't have a house!
Yeah, I can see why that bothers you. To me this is kind of a maturity issue. Has he ever lived on his own and paid his own way? I dated a woman who hadn't and it made a big difference in the way we saw money.

It depends if you want things to work out. It's been going on so long now I don't think you can change it without a major fight.

I don't know why he's still living with his parents if he has a job. Is he still in college? Sorry, if you already said that I may have missed it. After two years of this kind of living situation I think you are perfectly allowed to ask what his plans are. To marry and move in with you or keep staying at your hotel for years on end?

Personally, I don't believe in getting into that type of situation to begin with. Not trying to judge your lifestyle, but he should either move in with you or not stay over as much. Since he has a car, he can go home.
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Old 29th May 2012, 9:33 PM   #14
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Yeah, I can see why that bothers you. To me this is kind of a maturity issue. Has he ever lived on his own and paid his own way? I dated a woman who hadn't and it made a big difference in the way we saw money.

It depends if you want things to work out. It's been going on so long now I don't think you can change it without a major fight.

I don't know why he's still living with his parents if he has a job. Is he still in college? Sorry, if you already said that I may have missed it. After two years of this kind of living situation I think you are perfectly allowed to ask what his plans are. To marry and move in with you or keep staying at your hotel for years on end?

Personally, I don't believe in getting into that type of situation to begin with. Not trying to judge your lifestyle, but he should either move in with you or not stay over as much. Since he has a car, he can go home.

Nooo... he has always been living with his parents, and he's not in college..in fact where I'm working a lot to be able to keep up, he has a lot of savings too!

I guess you're right about the way he sees money, often enough I've told him I wanted to see how he copes when he gets his own place..

About the moving in..I opted that as well, he didn't want to however, because he thinks my 1 bedroom apartment isn't big enough for us to live together
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Old 29th May 2012, 9:37 PM   #15
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About the moving in..I opted that as well, he didn't want to however, because he thinks my 1 bedroom apartment isn't big enough for us to live together
So he just wants to come over for some free food and sex, but doesn't want any of the responsibility that comes with a relationship.

Sounds great for him - what do YOU get out of it?
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