boyfriend doesn't make time for me anymore, what do i do???

[horsesrule7]

I know this is going to be kinda long, but I really need some help and advice with this so if you guys could bare with me and offer some help, I would really appreciate it....My boyfriend and I have been dating for one year and almost 3 months. He's my first boyfriend and I'm his first "serious" girlfriend. We go to different schools and he lives about 20 minutes away from me, but ever since we started dating we've made time for each other. on average, we would usually hangout for a few hours or go somewhere together about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks, plus we would see each other at church once or twice a week. Everything has been great; he's always been a really sweet guy and I really care about him, maybe even love him. He has never rushed me into doing anything, he has the same morals/values as me, and overall he's just a good guy with good intentions.

But lately, things haven't been all that great between us. It all started about a month after our one year mark, when he joined the varsity lacrosse team and started taking classes for a lifeguarding job that he's going to be taking this summer. I'm happy for him and I'm glad he's pursuing things like that, and I support him and would never want him to choose between his goals/hobbies and me. But it's gotten to the point now that he's so busy that he never has time for me. And even when he does have some time, he chooses to spend it on other things, like hanging out with his friends, over me. As of right now, I haven't seen him in person for 2 months straight. We haven't hungout and he hasn't been at church at all, and he's always busy with school during the week and other stuff on the weekends. He doesn't even take the time to call me anymore. We've been texting every once in a while, but I'm usually the one to initiate it and our conversations are usually short and about the same old insignificant things. Plus he never says anything sweet to me anymore. Basically, I feel like just any other girl to him lately. I've told him how I feel and he knows that not seeing him for so long is hurting me, but he told me he's busy and will continue to be busy for the next couple of weeks (btw, he said this about a month ago from today...). He told me that "the reason why we haven't been in touch lately isn't because I feel any different about you, but because things have just been extremely busy for me and will continue to get busy." I understand that he's busy, but no one can be that busy, can they? Isn't it true that if you care about being with someone, you find a way to make time for them (despite if you're busy)???? Am I being selfish in thinking that? I'm just tired of feeling neglected and waiting around for him to text me and he never does. What really makes me mad is that I figured that if he doesn't have time to hangout with me, the least he could do is call me or text me to catch up. But no, he won't even do that because he's "too busy". I'm going to talk to him again about it later but other than that, I don't know what to do. I really care about him and I don't want to have to leave him, but I've been so unhappy with our relationship lately and I feel like I'm wasting my time, even if he said I'm not wasting my time. I feel like I deserve more than what he's giving me, but at the same time I don't want to break up with him and hurt him. I just wish things could be the way they were when I actually felt like I still mattered to him. What do I do???

[Phennyphen]

2months?!

 

I'm not saying break up with him...yet..but he is taking you for granted here. He knows you miss him and are willing to see him, so basically he's having his fun while knowing that you will be there waiting for him when he's done. I say, stop texting him, stop asking to see him and go out and have fun with your own friends, find some hobby of your own. Dont sit and mope about him anymore. He knows how you feel, and yet you still havent seen him in 2 months, he SHOULD make time for you. If you make him miss you, by having your own life and not asking to see him, or being so eager to see him if/when he does get bored of his hobbies, he might realise what hes taking for granted.

 

Just out of interest, how old are you both? You seem young.

[motive2002]

I'm sorry dear. 2 months? That's far too long. If I was in a relationship with someone and I hadn't seen them in 2 months (yet they still live in the same area) I wouldn't even consider that a relationship anymore.

 

If it were me I would stop contact and move on.

[Phennyphen]

I'm sorry dear. 2 months? That's far too long. If I was in a relationship with someone and I hadn't seen them in 2 months (yet they still live in the same area) I wouldn't even consider that a relationship anymore.

 

If it were me I would stop contact and move on.

 

Actually yeah, what they said ^

[horsesrule7]

Thanks everyone.

 

Unfortunately we broke up. he basically ended a year and 3 month relationship with me over text because he didn't have the decency to say it to my face. I'm a wreck right now and I can't stop crying because I know it's gonna be a long time before I get over him and it's hard to believe that I'll find someone better than him. but I guess it will just take time.

[Phennyphen]

Sounds like he was a bit of a dick, especially if he ended it by text. You deserve so much better than that. I know it hurts right now but you'll be fine, go see a friend or your mum and have a cuddle and a good cry! You're better off without him love, I kniw it hurts right now but you'll look back on this and realise.

[Christine52]

I know this is going to be kinda long, but I really need some help and advice with this so if you guys could bare with me and offer some help, I would really appreciate it....My boyfriend and I have been dating for one year and almost 3 months. He's my first boyfriend and I'm his first "serious" girlfriend. We go to different schools and he lives about 20 minutes away from me, but ever since we started dating we've made time for each other. on average, we would usually hangout for a few hours or go somewhere together about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks, plus we would see each other at church once or twice a week. Everything has been great; he's always been a really sweet guy and I really care about him, maybe even love him. He has never rushed me into doing anything, he has the same morals/values as me, and overall he's just a good guy with good intentions.

But lately, things haven't been all that great between us. It all started about a month after our one year mark, when he joined the varsity lacrosse team and started taking classes for a lifeguarding job that he's going to be taking this summer. I'm happy for him and I'm glad he's pursuing things like that, and I support him and would never want him to choose between his goals/hobbies and me. But it's gotten to the point now that he's so busy that he never has time for me. And even when he does have some time, he chooses to spend it on other things, like hanging out with his friends, over me. As of right now, I haven't seen him in person for 2 months straight. We haven't hungout and he hasn't been at church at all, and he's always busy with school during the week and other stuff on the weekends. He doesn't even take the time to call me anymore. We've been texting every once in a while, but I'm usually the one to initiate it and our conversations are usually short and about the same old insignificant things. Plus he never says anything sweet to me anymore. Basically, I feel like just any other girl to him lately. I've told him how I feel and he knows that not seeing him for so long is hurting me, but he told me he's busy and will continue to be busy for the next couple of weeks (btw, he said this about a month ago from today...). He told me that "the reason why we haven't been in touch lately isn't because I feel any different about you, but because things have just been extremely busy for me and will continue to get busy." I understand that he's busy, but no one can be that busy, can they? Isn't it true that if you care about being with someone, you find a way to make time for them (despite if you're busy)???? Am I being selfish in thinking that? I'm just tired of feeling neglected and waiting around for him to text me and he never does. What really makes me mad is that I figured that if he doesn't have time to hangout with me, the least he could do is call me or text me to catch up. But no, he won't even do that because he's "too busy". I'm going to talk to him again about it later but other than that, I don't know what to do. I really care about him and I don't want to have to leave him, but I've been so unhappy with our relationship lately and I feel like I'm wasting my time, even if he said I'm not wasting my time. I feel like I deserve more than what he's giving me, but at the same time I don't want to break up with him and hurt him. I just wish things could be the way they were when I actually felt like I still mattered to him. What do I do???

 

Good riddance! Now you can go out, have fun, enjoy life, and meet someone WAY better

[EricaH329]

I am so sorry you are in pain I know how badly you must feel right now!

 

Just keep in mind, that he does not deserve you. Anyone who would willingly ignore, avoid, and disrespect you just because they don't have the balls to break it off with you... does not deserve your time or energy.

 

There are other people out there that would *never* dream of hurting you the way he has. Push through this, so that you can give those other wonderful guys a chance

[bean1]

When I read your original post, I thougt- you've already been dumped, he's just too scared/bothered/whatever to tell you so he's hoping you'll fade away. You didn't fade away (and that's really a coward's way for him to try this) and so you got the text.

 

I'm sorry you are so hurt, I suspect in the future you will look back at this and think, "wow. the writing was on the wall, next time, I won't hold on to hope for so long and set my boundaries tighter".

[horsesrule7]

Thanks again everyone. I waited for a day and then texted him and asked if I could call him. He said "what's there to talk about?" and i said that I just wanted to apologize for the way our conversation had gone the night before, and that's not how I had wanted it to end. He said he appreciated it but it wouldn't make a difference, and when i asked why, he said "I don't want a relationship anymore. I'm sorry." There it was, in a text, clear as daylight. I sent off a couple final texts as my way of closure, saying stuff like "screw you for giving up on us and not having the decency to say it to my face. I hope one day you wake up and realize what you lost." and along with that I said "but honestly, I wish you the best and I hope you find happiness again. I won't forget all the good times with you, they were some of the best times of my life. But I guess you gotta do what makes you happy, and if that doesn't involve me then so be it. So goodbye." And that was that. He didn't respond to any of that, nor do I think he ever will. Honestly, I still care about him and I miss him so freaking much, it kills me to think that he's gone and doesn't want me anymore. And I know it sounds dumb, but I would give him another chance if I could (and if he was willing to prove himself again...I'm not going to just go running back to his arms the second he comes back, if he does.) I know it sounds crazy but I'm still holding out for any chance that he'll change his mind. Maybe I'm just in denial because of all this hurt, maybe not. Honestly, since Sunday night, I just feel completely numb and I don't know what to think or do. I'm sure those of you who have gone through something similar can relate. :/

But anyways, my plan right now is to just wait it out and occupy myself with my friends, who have been a huge support for me, along with my church group. I don't know what I would do without them....But I'm going to give it a week, let things simmer down a bit, and then try calling him. Some of you might advise against that, but I just feel like I need to say some final things to him before giving up completely. I'd rather lose him knowing that I gave it my all than just walk away and forever wonder if I could've done more. The hopeful side of me is saying that maybe he's just stressed, maybe he'll realize that he made a mistake and we'll talk it out when I call him. The negative (and slightly more realistic/probable) side of me is saying that nothing will change his mind and it's over for good. But I need to at least settle some things, even if he doesn't come back to me in the process of it.

[CarrieT]

But I need to at least settle some things, even if he doesn't come back to me in the process of it.

 

What do you need to settle? You have already texted him a few times and he didn't respond. Best to go No Contact and start giving yourself closure. He has already moved on and his actions have indicated as such...

[bean1]

There is no 'closure' here.

 

He wanted to break up but was too scared to do it, so he hoped you would fade away. You didn't. Now you're angry and you feel you deserve a reason that is 'justified'. There is no justification. He doesn't want to date you, it really is that simple.

 

You're angry, understandable, but this need for 'closure' when you say you would take him back is just trying to get him to feel bad about what he did and change his mind, maybe he'll realize he was wrong, maybe he'll do a 180, maybe he will.....???

 

It's not going to happen. Turn your phone off and walk away. The reason he tried to make you 'fade' was because there WAS NO REASON except he didn't want to date you. And he didn't want to make you angry/you to get upset. He did it the wrong way. It backfired. But that's not going to change anything.

[horsesrule7]

The reason why I need to talk to him is because I feel like there's still a chance that this can be fixed.

One of the reasons why he said that it wasn't working out was because I complained too much about when we couldn't see each other and I always worried about him not caring about me. Because I was angry and upset, I responded back and said "well I guess this just shows that I had a good reason to worry." and that's when he completely closed the discussion. So I feel like I'm the one who pushed him away. Because I admit, I did worry. ALOT. He's right about that. But there was a time when I never was like that. After our one year, I found out that his parents didn't approve of me because I was "too quiet". A silly reason to not approve of me, but nonetheless it definitely started a chain reaction of negative feelings in our relationship. Why? Because I began to worry too much. I began to worry about how his parents would affect our relationship, and I began to worry that when he couldn't hangout with me, it was because of his parents. And once or twice, I outright accused his parents of being the reason why we couldn't hangout. Ever since then, I began worrying about every other little thing. I began overthinking and assuming everything, even though I told myself that it was a bad idea. And how did he react? As you might expect, he reacted by withdrawing little by little. At the same time that all this happened, he started getting busy with things such as lacrosse and school. And I know that's true and not just an excuse, because last year we started dating around this time and the first three months of our relationship we never hungout and we barely talked because he was extremely busy. Even then, I remember worrying because he seemed distant. But since the relationship was new, I stuck with it anyways and kept my mouth shut. His busy phase passed and everything worked out because I waited it out. Now this year, he's going through that same phase and it happened to be at a time when our relationship was at its lowest. He was busy, and he reacted to my worrying by becoming more distant. Which, in return, made me even MORE worried! And eventually, I cracked and ran my mouth in a 5-paragraph long text saying how I didn't even feel like his girlfriend anymore, and that if he didn't treat me better, I would be gone. Now looking back at what I said, I can only imagine how it was received on his end. He was stressed with everything as it is, he was doing homework at the time, and we hadn't talked at all over the weekend. Then he received my long ranting text. Thinking about it now, I'm not surprised he reacted the way he did. It was just too much stress, and I was the main cause of it. In fact, when we had those whole fight before we broke up, I asked him what he wanted to do and what he wanted. He said he wanted to get rid of the stress. And that's exactly what he did when he broke up with me.

Knowing all this, I feel like I just need to talk to him. I need to tell him that I'm sorry for causing him so much stress, and I'm sorry for worrying too much, and I'm sorry for not handling it a better way. I need to tell him that I was wrong to push him away, and I understand why he reacted the way he did. But I want to be with him, if we can work through it and compromise so we don't have to face the same problem again. Losing him wasn't worth sending that text and overthinking everything, I now realize.

 

Then again, all of the above could be wrong. It could just be his feelings changed, like what happens to so many people everyday. Maybe he just got tired of having a relationship. Maybe he just found someone else. I don't know, and that's why I need to talk to him. Maybe not now, because I want to give it some time to simmer down and allow both of us to think, but at some point, maybe in a week or two, I plan on trying to talk to him. I care about him too much to just let all of this go. Please tell me if you think otherwise after reading all that.

[InJest]

Stop harassing the poor guy. He has made it very clear that he does not want to talk to you, at all. For any reason. He doesn't owe you an explanation, and he doesn't want to fix things. He wants you gone. Remember when he started doing all those new things, and didn't want to see you for two months? Yeah, that was his way of leaving the relationship and moving on. He's already started to moved on, or has moved on, and you need to leave him alone and start doing the same. He told you point blank he doesn't want a relationship. There's no fixing that, and calling him continuously just makes you look crazy.

[horsesrule7]

I'm not harassing him. I'm trying to correct my mistakes one last time because I feel like it's my responsibility to do so and I still care about him. I know he said he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but that's because of me and if I changed and apologized for becoming this person that he withdrew from, then maybe he'll change his mind. Why can't I at least try? Does anyone here understand or agree with me?? Even if it doesn't help to talk to him, it'll help me move on, knowing that I didn't leave some things unsaid.

[InJest]

How have you changed? You sound like the same obsessive, clingy, insecure person that pushed him away, and your incessant harassment after he's broken up with you is proof of that.

 

Seriously, reread your last few posts and tell you don't sound like a psycho. You are out of touch with reality.

Edited May 15, 2012 by InJest

[CarrieT]

Does anyone here understand or agree with me??

I'm afraid not...

 

I'm not harassing him.

Yes you are.

 

I know he said he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but that's because of me...

It isn't all because of you; having time without has probably shown him lots of different aspects of life that both of you have yet to discover.

 

Lastly, YOU can't change for another person. You have to be the person you are and ultimately, you will find someone who accepts you for who you are.

[veggirl]

Stop trying to contact him! He is not interested--If he was, he would NOT go TWO MONTHS without seeing you!! Are you kidding me! 20 minutes is nothing! Most people drive further than that to work every day!

 

Girl, have some self respect. If a guy doesn't give a crap about seeing you, YOU leave HIM.

 

Don't call or text him again. There is nothing to save. A relationship with a guy who doesn't even wanna see you?? That's what you wanna "save"? No no no.

[horsesrule7]

I know, I know, I knoww! you guys are all right about this...kinda harsh I must say :/ ..but right. But this isn't easy on me. I really cared about him. You might not understand that, but I did. I still do. That's a hard thing to get over, believe it or not. I'm sorry I'm a stubborn person and I don't just give up on everything like some people.

 

I'm not harassing him. I'm not begging for him to come back. I just can't seem to believe all this without hearing it from him. It just doesn't feel right that he ended it through a text and I can't get over that until I at least talk to him, whether it fixes things or not. If talking with him doesn't fix things, then that's it. It'll be done and I'll move on. But I'm not going to judge it based on a text.

[Almond_Joy]

Horses,

 

Everyone here understands. Everyone here knows how hard it is to let go of someone you've loved for so long, and in a lot of cases it takes strong words to snap people out of the misery that will follow enough for them to stay on the path to recovering.

 

I found that continually reading outside perspective helped me to recover. It reminded me that many have suffered the same heartache, found a way through it, and are stronger after recovery even if the person that left them isn't in their life anymore.

 

My recent ex broke up with me via fb msg. I also had an urge for weeks not to believe the breakup was real until he was standing in front of me saying it to my face. I never acted on it though. In the end it would've just added salt to the wound.

 

If you can't fight that urge though, I'd say be proactive and bite the bullet. You can drive up to the school, meet him outside his dorm or wherever, demand he confirm again what he's already told you.

 

But I'd bet money if you do it you still won't believe it's over.

 

I strongly recommend reading this article.

 

Why He’s Not An Assclown Because He Broke Up With You/Doesn’t Want a Relationship | Baggage Reclaim

 

As well as venting here on LS regularly, talking to friends, reading other people's threads in the Coping forum.

 

Really sorry you're hurting, and good luck .

[bean1]

You're right, don't go by a text. You can go by him not wanting to see you for 2 months and him not responding to your multiple messages.

 

I'm sorry, there is nothing to fix, you have already been written off as crazy by him, I can promise you that. Just let this be a learning lesson to both of you.

 

You are grasping onto the idea that he is your boyfriend and you can fix this. He has not been your boyfriend for some time, I'm sorry but you are the only on who can't see this.

 

Your messages would be considered harassment by most people. When someone does not wish to speak to you and does not respond to you, messaging them over and over trying to talk becomes harassment.

 

He is not your husband. He was not even a good boyfriend. He is gone. Let it go. He has moved on quite some time ago.

[veggirl]

Sorry to have sounded harsh, Horses.

 

Yes we do understand. You are "every girl" right now. We have likely ALL been there.

 

A text is a cowardly way to end things, for sure! That speaks volumes about his character.

 

Please, trust us, you will look back with embarrassment and regret if you continue trying to contact him. Save your dignity. Go No Contact, go post in the break up section if you need guidance for all that too.

 

Now you know what NOT to settle for, ever ever ever again.

[5-F Dawg]

im really to sorry about all of what happening to you...i wish everyone would be straight up with their feelings....

 

my advice and im going to be blunt....and now that i am older 24 haha i wish people would always would have been straight up with me when giving advice..

 

concentrate on yourself....let him go and as hard as it is just accept it...stop texting him and hang out with your friends more and family....find someone else....sorry hun for things happening like they are...the more you try to force something the less its gonna work..

[horsesrule7]

You're right, don't go by a text. You can go by him not wanting to see you for 2 months and him not responding to your multiple messages.

 

For one, I didn't send multiple texts. Secondly, when I did send him a text, he did respond. If I didn't send him a text, he wouldn't text me for maybe a couple days but he would eventually. And I shouldn't have overreacted to that because going a couple days without texting isn't even that bad. But I was stressed, as was he, and I overthought and overreacted and came off as clingy. I see that now, but it's too late because he's gone.

 

I don't plan on contacting him for maybe a week. I haven't spoken to him in 4 days now. I'm giving him space. But I feel like I pushed him away. Whether you guys agree with that or not, so be it. I think it's fair to say that I know him better and the way he just broke it off isn't like him. That's why I find it so hard to believe and my gut feeling is telling me that it's more than "he changed his feelings and didn't want to tell you". I won't be able to move on until I call him (which I'm not going to do for another week, like I said) and say that i'm sorry for stressing him out and pushing him away. If I embarrass myself in doing so and he still says he doesn't want to be with me, then so be it. I'll move on after I hear that straight from him, not through a text after he was stressed out and angry because of me. I'm waiting a week before calling him (NOT texting this time) so he has had a chance to have some space and think (and so have I). I don't care if there's a high risk of him still rejecting me. At least I can move on knowing that I tried. Because right now it just doesn't feel right. Maybe in a week you guys will say "I told you so", maybe not. I'll have to find out.

[Ninjainpajamas]

There's no amount of effort, texts, apologies, excuses you can make to win him back, you're forgetting one huge thing horsies, and that's how he feels about you. When a guy doesn't feel the same way for you that you do for him, there's nothing you can do to make him feel that way, he has to do that for himself...but that's one thing that can't be changed...that's why it's empty and fruitless pouring all your emotions into it, it doesn't make a difference, it doesn't change anything because not seeing your GF for two months is pretty much a breakup as it is, that's way too long.

 

But good news, Is I like your screen name!

 

Hell, you might even live your life in this order!

 

I can see it now..

 

- Unicorns Rule

- Horses Rule

- Girls Rule

- Bitches Rule

- Moms rule

- Grandma Rocks!